Cable T.V.
I
used to think my life was so empty,
I used to think life was
passing me by.
I was just about ready,
To curl up and die.
But
one day I got a visit,
From the cable company,
They hooked me
up, plugged me right in,
And now I've got cable TV.
And
so I get to watch...
The stock report in Korean,
Midget
wrestling on channel 3,
It costs me fifty bucks a month just to
see 'em,
Yeah, but that's OK with me....
I
got cable TV (cable TV),
Cable TV (cable TV),
Eighty-three
channels of ecstacy,
I love my cable TV yeah,
Love my cable TV.
I
got the Siamese Faith Healer's Network,
The news and weather from
Peru,
I got celebrity hockey,
The racquetball channel too.
Bugs
Bunny direct from Atlanta,
Mr. Wizard is on at five.
I've got a
satellite dish on the trunk of my car
So I can watch MTV while I
drive.
I'm
talking 'bout,
Real quality programs.
The type you just can't
get for free,
Now I'm never gonna leave my apartment,
Cos
there's just so much for me to see
On
my cable TV (cable TV),
Cable TV (cable TV),
Yeah, if you have
a problem you know where I'll be:
Watching my cable TV,
yeah,
Watching my cable TV
My
friends they're getting kinda worried,
They think I'm turning into
some kind of freak.
But they're just jealous,
'Cause I've seen
Porky's'
27 times this week
On
my cable TV (cable TV),
Cable TV (cable TV),
The greatest thing
that ever happened to me,
I love my cable TV, yeah,
I need my
cable TV.
Can't live without my cable TV, yeah
Watching my
cable TV.
Constipated
Uh
huh... extra cheese
Uh huh, uh huh... save a piece for me
Pizza
party at your house
I went just to check it out
19 extra larges
- what a shame
No one came
Just us, eatin' all alone
You
said, "Take the pizza home"
"No sense lettin' all
this go to waste"
So then I faced
Pizza all day
And
every day
This cheese 'round the clock
Is gettin' me
blocked
And I sure don't care
For irregularity
Tell
me
Why'd you have to go and make me so constipated?
'Cause
right now I'd do anything to just get my bowels evacuated
In the
bathroom... I sit and I wait and I strain
And I sweat and I clench
and I feel the pain
Oh, should I take the laxatives or have my
colon irrigated?
No no no
I
was feelin' pretty down
Till my girlfriend came around
We're
just so alike in every way
I gotta say
In fact, I just thought
I might
Pop the question there that night
I was kissing her so
tenderly
But woe is me
Who would have guessed
Her family
crest
I'd suddenly spy
Tattooed on her thigh
And
son-of-a-gun
It's just like the one on me
Tell
me
How was I supposed to know we were both related?
Believe me,
if I knew she was my cousin we never would have dated
What to do
now? Should I go ahead and propose
And get hitched and have kids
with eleven toes
And move to Alabama where that kind of thing is
tolerated?
No no no
I
had so much on my mind
I thought maybe I'd unwind
Try out that
new roller coaster ride
And the guide
Said not to stand
But
that's a demand
That I couldn't meet
I got on my feet
And
stood up instead
And knocked off my head, you see
Tell
me
Why'd I have to go and get myself decapitated?
This really
is a major inconvenience , oh man, I really hate it
Such a drag
now... Can't eat, I can't breathe, I can't snore
I can't belch or
yodel anymore
Can't spit or blow my nose or even read Sports
Illustrated
Oh
no
Why'd
I have to go and get myself all mutilated? (Yeah yeah)
I gotta
tell ya, life without a head kinda makes me irritated
What a
bummer
Can't blink, I can't cough, I can't sneeze
But my neck
is enjoyin' a pleasant breeze now
Haven't been the same since my
head and I were separated
No no no
EBay
Yeah
A
used...pink bathrobe
A rare...mint snow globe
A Smurf...TV
tray
I bought on eBay
My
house...is filled with this crap
Shows up in bubble wrap
Most
every day
What I bought on eBay
Tell
me why (I need another pet rock)
Tell me why (I got that Alf alarm
clock)
Tell me why (I bid on Shatner's old toupee)
They had it
on eBay
I'll
buy...your knick-knack
Just check...my feedback
"A!"
they all say
They love me on eBay
Gonna
buy (a slightly damaged golf bag)
Gonna buy (some Beanie Babies,
new with tag)
(From some guy) I've never met in Norway
Found
him on eBay
I
am the type who is liable to snipe you
With two seconds left to
go, whoa
Got or Visa, whatever'll please ya
As long as
I've got the dough
I'll buy...your tchotchkes
Sell me..your
watch, please
I'll buy (I'll buy, I'll buy, I'll buy...)
I'm
highest bidder now
(Junk
keeps arriving in the mail)
(From that worldwide garage
sail)
(Hey! A Dukes of Hazzard ashtray)
Oh yeah...(I bought it
on eBay)
Wanna buy (a PacMan Fever lunchbox)
Wanna buy (a case
of vintage tube socks)
(Wanna buy a Kleenex used by Dr.
Dre)
(Found it on eBay)
Wanna buy (that Farrah Fawcett
poster)
(Pez dispensers and a toaster)
(Don't know why...The
kind of stuff you'd throw away)
(I'll buy on eBay)
What I
bought on eBay
Fat
Your
butt is wide, well mine is too.
Just watch your mouth, or I'll sit
on you.
The word is out, better treat me right,
Cause I'm the
king of cellulite.
Ham on ham on ham on whole wheat, all right.
My
zippers bust, my buckles break.
I'm too much man for you to
take.
The pavement cracks when I fall down.
I've got more chins
than Chinatown.
Well
I've never used a phone booth,
And I've never seen my toes.
When
I'm goin' to the movies
I take up seven rows.
Because
I'm fat, I'm fat--come on.
(Fat fat--really really fat)
You
know I'm fat, I'm fat--you know it.
(Fat fat--really really
fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat--come on you know.
(Fat
fat--really really fat)
Don'tcha call me pudgy, portly or
stout.
Just tell me once again: Who's fat?
When
I walk out to get my mail,
It measures on the Richter scale.
Down
at the beach I'm a lucky man.
I'm the only one who gets a tan.
If
I have one more pie a la mode
I'm gonna need my own zip code.
When
you're only having seconds,
I'm having twenty-thirds.
When I go
to get my shoes shined,
I gotta take their word.
Because
I'm fat, I'm fat--come on.
(Fat fat--really really fat)
You
know I'm fat, I'm fat--you know it.
(Fat fat--really really
fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat--you know it you know.
(Fat
fat--really really fat)
And my shadow weighs forty-two
pounds.
Lemme tell you once again who's fat.
If you see me comin' your way,
Better
give me plenty space.
If I tell you that I'm hungry,
Then won't
you feed my face.
Because
I'm fat, I'm fat--come on.
(Fat fat--really really fat)
You
know I'm fat, I'm fat--you know it.
(Fat fat--really really
fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat--you know it you know.
(Fat
fat--really really fat)
Woo woo woo. When I sit around the
house,
I really sit around the house.
You
know I'm fat, I'm fat--come on.
(Fat fat--really really fat)
You
know I'm fat, I'm fat--you know it, you know it.
(Fat fat--really
really fat)
You know you know you know--come on.
(Fat
fat--really really fat)
And you know all by myself I'm a
crowd.
Lemme tell you once again.
You
know I'm huge, I'm fat, you know it.
(Fat fat--really really
fat)
You know I'm fat--you know, hoo.
(Fat fat--really really
fat)
You know I'm fat, I'm fat--you know it, you know.
(Fat
fat--really really fat)
And the whole world knoes I'm fat and I'm
proud.
Just tell me once again--who's fat?
Ghandi 2
Next
week, on U-62, he's back! And this time, he's mad.
Gandhi
II!
No more Mr. Passive Resistance. He's out to kick some
butt.
This is one bad mother. You don't want to mess with
him.
"Don't move, slimeball."
He's a one-man wrecking
crew. But he also knows how to party.
"Gimme a steak. Medium
rare."
There is only one law--his law.
Gandhi II!
Grapefruit diet
Who's
that waddlin' down the street
It's just me 'cause I love to
eat
Fudge and Twinkies and deviled ham
Who's real flabby? Yes,
I am!
Every picture of me's
Gotta be an aerial view
Now my
doctor tells me
There's just one thing left to do
Grapefruit
Diet
(Diet!)
Throw out the pizza and beer
Grapefruit Diet
(Diet!)
Oh, get those jelly donuts out of here
Grapefruit Diet
(Diet!)
Might seem a little sever
Grapefruit Diet (Diet!)
I'm
gettin' tired of my big fat rear
Blow, fatty!
Well,
I used to live on chocolate sauce
Made sumo wrestlers look like
Kate Moss
Walked down an alley and I got stuck
I got more rolls
than a pastry truck
When I'm all done eating
I eat a little
more
When I leave a room
First I gotta grease the door
Grapefruit
Diet (Diet!)
Can't have another eclair
Grapefruit Diet
(Diet!)
I gotta decrease my derriere
I'm
on a Grapefruit Diet
I'm on a Grapefruit Diet
I'm on a
Grapefruit Diet
No
more pie now
No more creme brulee
Lay off the gravy
And
souffle
No french fri-yi-yies now
No ice cream parfait
Mr.
Cheese Nacho
Stay away
Oh
I think I'd sell my soul
For a triple patty melt
But I need a
boomerang
When I put on my belt
Grapefruit
Diet (Diet!)
Lay off the 3 Musketeers
Grapefruit Diet
(Diet!)
Until my big booty disappears
Grapefruit Diet
(Diet!)
Eat 'em till they're comin' out of my ears
Grapefruit
Diet (Diet!)
'Cause I haven't seen my feet in years
I'm
on a Grapefruit Diet
I'm on a Grapefruit Diet
I'm on a
Grapefruit Diet
I
think I'm about ready for a Quarter Pounder with extra cheese
I
need a side order of onion rings
And don't forget to Super-Size
that
Hardware store
Nothin'
ever (ever) happens in this town
Feelin' low down (down), not a
lot to do around here
I thought that I would go right out of my
mind
Until a friend told me the news
He said, "Hey! You
know that vacant lot
Right beside the gas station? Well somebody
bought it
And on that spot they're gonna build a shop
Where we
can go buy bolts and screws"
Since then I've been walking on
air (air)
I can barely brush my teeth or comb my hair
'Cause
I'm so excited and I really don't care
I've been waiting since
last June
For this day to finally arrive
I'm so happy (happy)
now just to be alive
'Cause any minute now I'm gonna be
inside
Well, I hope they open soon
I
can't wait, (no I) I can't wait (oh when)
When are they gonna open
up that door?
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the
Goin'
to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the
Goin' (hard) I'm
goin' to the (hard) oh yes I'm goin' to the
Hardware store
In
my sleeping bag I camped out overnight
Right in front of the
store, then as soon as it was light out
I pressed my nose right up
against the glass
You know, I had to be first in line
Gonna get
me a flashlight and a broom
Want a pair of pliers for every single
room of my house
See those hacksaws? Very, very soon
One of
them will be all mine
Guys with nametags walking down the
aisles
Rows of garden hoses that go on for miles and miles
Brand
new socket wrenches in a plethora of styles
All arranged
alphabetically
And they're doing a promotional stunt
There's a
great big purple sign out front
That says every 27th customer
Will
get a ball peen hammer free
I
can't wait, (no I) I can't wait (oh when)
When are they gonna open
up that door?
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the
Goin'
to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the
Goin' (hard) I'm
goin' to the (hard) oh yes I'm goin' to the
Hardware store
I'm
goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the
Goin' to the (hard) ware
I'm goin', really goin' to the
Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the
(hard) oh yes I'm goin' to the
Hardware store
Would
you look at all that stuff.
They've got allen wrenches, gerbil
feeders, toilet seats, electric heaters
Trash compactors, juice
extractors, shower rods and water meters
Walkie-talkies, copper
wires, safety goggles, radial tires
BB pellets, rubber mallets,
fans and dehumidifiers
Picture hangers, paper cutters, waffle
irons, window shutters
Paint removers, window louvres, masking
tape and plastic gutters
Kitchen faucets, folding tables, weather
stripping, jumper cables
Hooks and tackle, grout and spackle,
power foggers, spoons and ladles
Pesticides for fumigation,
high-performance lubrication
Metal roofing, waterproofing,
multi-purpose insulation
Air compressors, brass connectors,
wrecking chisels, smoke detectors
Tire gauges, hamster cages,
thermostats and bug deflectors
Trailer hitch demagnetizers,
automatic circumcisers
Tennis rackets, angle brackets, Duracells
and Energizers
Soffit panels, circuit breakers, vacuum cleaners,
coffee makers
Calculators, generators, matching salt and pepper
shakers
I
can't wait, (no I) I can't wait (oh when)
When are they gonna open
up that door?
I'm goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the
Goin'
to the (hard) ware I'm goin', really goin' to the
Goin' (hard) I'm
goin' to the (hard) oh yes I'm goin' to the
Hardware store
I'm
goin' (yes I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the
Goin' to the (hard) ware
I'm goin', really goin' to the
Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the
(hard) oh yes I'm goin' to the
Hardware store
I'm goin' (yes
I'm) goin', I'm a-goin' to the
Goin' to the (hard) ware I'm goin',
really goin' to the
Goin' (hard) I'm goin' to the (hard) oh yes
I'm goin' to the
Hardware store
Here's Johnny
There
he goes, he drives me crazy
When he says...(Hee-eere's
Johnny!)
That's his job, it's so amazing
All he says
is...(Hee-eere's Johnny!)
I never miss a moment when he's on the
tube
His being there has made my life worth living
The chills
run down my spine
Each time he says that line
"Here's
Johnny!" He says, and laughs in his special way
"...Johnny!"
he says, you know I love him
"Here's Johnny!" he says,
and "second fiddle" is his game
Ed
McMahon's
his name...all right
Dressed
so fine, he's such a cool dude
Hear him say...(Hee-eere's
Johnny!)
Watch him selling beer and dog food
Hear him
say...(Hee-eere's Johnny!)
I got a letter from him just the other
day
He said, "You may already be a winner!"
A
trooper to the end
A Clydesdale's best friend
"Here's
Johnny!" he says, and laughs in his special way
"...Johnny!"
he says, you know I love him
"Here's Johnny!" he says,
and that's the way he gets his pay
What a living
Oh...(Here's
Johnny! Here's Johnny!) Wo-o-o, no
(Here's Johnny! Here's
Johnny!) No no no no no no, I don't believe it
(Here's Johnny!)
he says, and everytime it's just the same
Ed McMahon's his name
A
very special guy...all right
He's on every night
Can't change
the channel
When he's sitting on the panel
(Hee-eere's
Johnny!)
There he goes, he gives me goose bumps
When he
says...(Hey-O-Hey-Hey-O!)
"Here's
Johnny!" he says, and laughs in his special way
"...Johnny!"
he says, you know I love him
"Here's Johnny!" he says,
that seems to be his claim to fame
Ed McMahon's his name
I want a new duck
I
want a new duck.
One that won't try to bite.
One that won't
chew a hole in my socks.
One that won't quack all night.
I
want a new duck.
One with big webbed feet.
One that knows how
to wash my car,
And keep his room real neat.
One
that won't raid the ice box.
One that'll stay in shape.
One
that's never gonna try
To migrate or escape,
Or I'll tie him
up with duck
tape.
I
want a new duck.
A mallard, I think.
One that won't make a
mess of my house,
Or build a nest in the bathroom sink.
I
want a new duck.
One that won't steal my beer.
One that won't
stick his bill in my mail.
One that knows "The
duck stops here."
One
that won't drive me crazy
Waddling all around.
One who'll
teach me how to swim,
And help me not to drown.
And show me
how to get down.
"How
to get down",
baby. Get it?
(quack, quack, quack, quack, quack)
I
want a new duck.
Not a swan or a goose.
Just a drake I can
dress real cute.
Think I'm gonna name him Bruce.
I
want a new duck.
Not a quail or an owl.
One that won't molt
too much.
One that won't smell too foul.
One
that won't beg for breadcrumbs,
Hangin' around all day.
He'd
better mind his manners.
Better do just what I say,
Or he's
gonna be duck paté.
Duck paté, yeah yeah.
That Jerry springer
It's
been one week since we got to see
Cheatin' lovers and cousins
that marry
Five days since they had the show
With the
hermaphrodite, the slut, and the crack ho
Three days since we
heard the tale
About the guy who learned his woman was a
she-male
Yesterday it occurred to me
That I've been watchin' a
bit too much Jerry
Springer
Holy
cow, d'you see it last week?
Well, they had this one freak
Who
sucker-punched his whole family
Do you recall when the
brawl
Became a total free-for-all
And Jerry's in the middle
tryin' to be the referee
Hey, see the stripper with the
implants
She likes to lap dance
And date the boyfriend of her
mother
Now here come's Jerry's next guest
And it's a
slugfest
'Cause it's her trailer trash brother
Nymphomaniac is
back on crack
It's like "When Animals Attack"
They
all exhibit reprehensible behavior
Hit 'em in the nose, tear off
their clothes
Step on their toes, that's how it goes
They get
so violent they have to sign a waiver
They're
always swearin', cursin', kickin' butt, and pointin' blame
On the
air? They don't care, they've got no shame
There was one guy who
I'm sure felt a little strange
When he found out that his wife
had a sex change
They have a tendency to scream and yell
constantly
They have a history of ripping off their shirts
It's
been one week since they had the fight
With the Siamese twins and
the transvestite
Five days since that awful brawl
They still
haven't got the blood off the wall
It's been three days since the
bitter fued
Between the KKK and that gay Jewish black
dude
Yesterday, finally dawned on me
I'm spendin' way too much
time on that Jerry Springer
Male
Guest : Baby, I've been sleepin' with your sister
Female Guest :
Oh? Well, which one?
Male Guest : All of them
Female Guest :
Oh! Well, I've been sleepin' with your best friend Jake!
Male
Guest : Yah? Well, well me too!
Female Guest : Oh!
Male Guest
: And I've sleepin' with your dog Woofie!
(barking)
Female
Guest : Woofie, you b-tch!
Female Guest : Well, I'm also sleepin'
with your pet goat!
(baaahhing)
Male Guest : That goat doesn't
love you!
Once
you start watchin', there's just no stoppin'
Your brain shuts
down, then your IQ's droppin'
Jerry's the king of
confrontation
He's a sensation
He puts the 'sin' in
syndication
It's totally worthless, like a bad check
It's like
a train wreck
Don't wanna stare but you can't look away
Like
Sally Jesse he does talk shows
But with more weirdos
The
ratings jumpin' higher everyday
If you've seen the show, well
then you know
It's just as low as you can go
The guests are
tacky and they're lacking in their hygiene
And pretty soon some
ugly goon
Comes in the room and then it's BOOM
In the face of
some unsuspecting drag queen
Well
it's the kind of show where people scream obscenities
Yankin'
hair, throwin' chairs at their hubbies
"Jerry! Jerry!"
Now the crowd starts their favorite chant
Should I turn off my
TV? I just can't
I have a tendency to watch it religiously
I
have a history of taping each one
It's
been one week since the show about
Psycho killers with problems
they should work out
Five days since the big surprise
When
some loser's wife said she's shtill dating twenty guys
Three days
wince he interviewed
A bunch of psychic porn star midgets who
were all nude
Yesterday, it occurred to me
That I've been
watchin' a bit too much Jerry Springer
Tired of wastin' my time
on that Jerry Springer
I've got way too much class to watch Jerry
Springer
Come over here and pull on my finger
Like a surgeion
I
finally made it through med school.
Somehow I made it
through.
I'm just an intern, I still make a mistake or two.
I
was last in the class,
Barely passed at the institute.
Now I'm
tryin' to avoid
Yeah, I'm tryin' to avoid
A malpractice suit.
Hey,
like a surgeon,
Cuttin' for the very first time.
Like a
surgeon,
Organ transplants are my line.
Better
give me all your gauze, nurse,
This patient's fading
fast.
Complications have set in,
Don't know how long he'll
last.
Let
me see that I.V.
Here we go, time to operate.
I'll pull his
insides out.
Pull his insides out,
And see what he ate.
Like
a surgeon, hey!
Cuttin' for the very first time.
Like a
surgeon,
Here's a waiver for you to sign.
Wo-ho. Wo-ho. Wo-ho
It's
a fact. I'm a quack.
The disgrace of the A.M.A.
'Cause my
patients die.
Yeah, my patients die
Before they can pay.
Like
a surgeon, hey!
Cuttin' for the very first time.
Like a
surgeon.
Got your kidneys on my mind.
Like
a surgeon, ooh hoo, like a surgeon,
When I reach inside
With
my scalpel,
And my forceps,
And retractors.
Oh ho. Oh ho.
Ooh, baby,
Yeah, I can hear your heart beat
For the very last
time.
Livin in the fridge
There's
somethin' weird in the fridge today
I don't know what it is
Food
I can't recognize
My roommate won't throw a thing away
I guess
it's probably his
It looks like it's alive.
And
Livin' in the Fridge, livin' in the fridge
Livin' in the Fridge,
livin' in the fridge
There's
something gross in the fridge today
It's green and growin'
hair
It's been there since July
If you can name the object
In
that baggie over there
Then mister, you're a better man than I!
It's
Livin' in the Fridge
You can't stop the mold from growin'
Livin'
in the Fridge
Can't tell what it is at all
Livin' in the
Fridge
You can't stop the mold from growin'
Livin' in the
Fridge
Tell
me, do you think it can be carbon-dated
Fumigated or cremated and
buried at sea?
You try to save a little bit of your home
cookin'
Couple weeks later, got a scary-lookin' specimen
It
always happens my friend
Again and again and again and again
Somethin'
stinks in the fridge today
And it's been rottin' there all
week
It could be liver cake or woolly mammoth steak
We, maybe
I should take another peek
(Creeeeeeeeek!)
Livin'
in the Fridge
You can't stop the mold from growin'
Livin' in
the Fridge
Can't tell what it is at all
Livin' in the
Fridge
You can't stop the mold from growin'
Livin' in the
Fridge
Livin' in the Fridge
Don't know what it is, Don't know
what it is
Livin' in the Fridge
Don't know what it is, Don't
know what it is
Livin' in the Fridge
Don't know what it is at
all
Livin' in the Fridge, yeah
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah
yeah yeah yeah
Livin with a hernia
All
I do is grunt and groan
Hurts me to walk anywhere
Went to see
my physician, Dr. Jones
He took my trousers off, told me to
cough
Doctor says there ain't nothin' to discuss
He tells me
any day I might have to wear a truss
Living
with a hernia
All the time, such aggravation
Living with a
hernia
Gonna be my ruination
Living with a hernia
Got to
have an operation
Feel so old
Too
much bad pain
Good gawd, drives me insane
Can't run, barely
crawl
Got a bulge in my intestinal wall
Walk real funny, bless
my soul
Can't play tennis and it's hard to bowl
You can't even
do the splits now...Better call it quits now
I'm sick of all this
dancin' anyhow
Living
with a hernia
Hurts me bad in a tender location
Living with a
hernia
Had enough humiliation
Living with a hernia
Got to
have an operation
I
live with a hernia
Can't get up, can't bend over
Now I live
with a hernia
Wait a minute...
You may not be familiar with
the common types
Of hernias that you could get
So just settle
down, let me clue you in
There's
incomplete
Epigastric
Bladder
Strangulated
Lumbar
hernia
Richter's hernia
Obstructed
Inguinal and Direct
Living
with a !
I said it's causin' me such
irritation
Living with a hernia
Have to have my
medication
Living with a hernia
I feel bad!
Leper colony
Finger
food and an ice cold keg
It won't cost you an arm and a leg
Dance
all night to a rotten band
Come on, people, let's give 'em a
hand
Saturday night it's the place to be
Everybody cut
footloose with me
At the party at the leper colony
Oh, there's
a party at the leper colony
Met
a little lady so pretty and young
She was quite a talker till the
cat got her tongue
She oozed up beside me, I turned on my
charm
Well, pretty soon she was completely disarmed
I said,
"Girl, now don't fall to pieces on me"
But she cried
her eyes out--literally
At the party at the leper colony
Oh,
there's a party at the leper colony
Hey! Hey!
Hey
now, buddy, don't you give me no lip
Sorry I was using your head
for a dip
There's a guy in the hot tub, I don't know who
Wait
a minute, it looks like Stu
Well, hold the phone now, what do I
see?
Another pretty mama got her eye on me
At the party at the
leper colony
Oh, there's a party at the leper colony
There's a
party at the leper colony
(Party at the leper colony)
There's
a party at the leper colony
(Party at the leper colony)
Oh,
there's a party at the leper colony
Yeah, party at the leper
colony
Well, there's a party at the lepr colony
(Party at the
leper colony)
Hey!
Pretty fly for a rabi
Veren zol fun dir a blintsa
(How
ya doin' Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey
(How ya doin' Bernie?) Oy vey,
oy vey
(How ya doin' Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey
And all the goyim
say I'm pretty fly for a rabbi
Meccha leccha hi, meccha hiney hiney ho
Our
temple's had a fair share of rabbis in the past
But most of 'em
were nudniks and none of 'em would last
But our new guy's real
kosher, I think he'll do the trick
I tell ya, he's to dies for -
he really knows his shtick
So
how's by you? Have you seen this Jew?
Reads the Torah, does his
own accounting too
Workin' like a dog at the synagogue
He's
there all day, he's there all day
Just say "Vay iz mir!"
and he'll kick into gear
He'll bring you lots of cheer and maybe
bagels with some shmeer
Just grab your yarmulka and
Hey! Hey!
Do that Hebrew thing!
(How
ya doin' Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey
(How ya doin' Bernie?) Oy vey,
oy vey
(How ya doin' Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey
And all the goyim
say I'm pretty fly (for a rabbi)
He
shops at discount stores, not just any will sufice
He has to find
a bargain 'cause he won't pay retail price
He never acts meshugga
and he's hardly a schlemiel
But if you wanna haggle, oy, he'll
make you such a deal!
People
used to scoff, now they say "Mazel tov!"
He's such a
macher 'cause he worked his tuchis off
Yeah, he keeps his cool
and teaches shul
What's not to like? What's not to like?
On
high holy days, you know he prays and prays
And he never eats
pastrami on white bread with mayonnaise
Put on your yarmulka
and
Hey! Hey! Do that Hebrew thing!
When
he's doing a Bar Mitzvah, now that you shouldn't miss
He'll
always shlep on down for a wedding or a briss
They
say he's got a lot of chutzpah, he's really quite hhhhhip
The
parents pay the moyl and he
gets to keep the tip
(How
ya doin' Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey
(How ya doin' Bernie?) Oy vey,
oy vey
(How ya doin' Bernie?) Oy vey, oy vey
Meccha leccha hi, meccha meccha cholly ho
He's
doin' well, I gotta kvell
The yentas love him, even shicksas
think he's swell
Show up at his home, he says "Shalom"
And
"Have some cake - you want some cake?"
Yah, he calls
the shots, we really love him lots
Oy gevalt, I'm so ferklempt
that I could plotz
So grab your yarmulka
The one you got for
Chanukah
Let's put on our yarmulkas and
Hey! Hey! Do that
Hebrew thing!
Flying saucers from outer space
Things
just haven't been the same,
Since the flying saucers came.
Now
the aliens are on the loose.
Well, we tried to hold 'em
back,
Tried to ward off their attack,
But our atom bombs were
just no use.
They were ugly, they were mean,
Biggest heads I
ever seen.
They made everybody scream and shout.
First they
leveled Tokyo,
Then New York was next to go.
Boy, I really
wish they'd cut it out!
They
wasted everybody on my block.
There goes the
neighborhood.
They'll zap you with their death-ray eyes,
And
blow you up real good.
Run for your lives!
(Slime Creatures
from Outer Space.)
(Slime Creatures from Outer Space.)
They're
not very nice to the human race.
(Slime Creatures from Outer
Space.)
There's
more comin' every day,
And they just won't go away.
Now
they're reproducing in the sewers.
They got slimy lizard
skin,
And an evil-lookin' grin,
And they sure could use some
manicures.
They
got hands all covered with fungus.
They got eyes like some kinda
bug.
I sure hope they don't come in here,
I just shampooed the
rug.
Run for your lives!
(Slime Creatures from Outer
Space.)
(Slime Creatures from Outer Space.)
They're really
makin' a mess of this place.
(Slime Creatures.)
(Slime
Creatures.)
(Slime
Creatures from Outer Space.)
(Slime Creatures from Outer
Space.)
(Slime Creatures from Outer Space.)
(Slime Creatures
from Outer Space.)
(Slime Creatures from Outer Space.)
(Slime
Creatures from Outer Space.)
They'll
rip your head off just for fun.
They'll paralyze your
mind.
They're wearin' out their welcome.
I don't think I like
their kind.
They'll suck your brain out through a straw.
You
just can't trust those guys.
So hide the children, lock the
doors,
And always watch the skies.
Look out! Here come the...
(Slime
Creatures from Outer Space.)
(Slime Creatures from Outer
Space.)
They're an intergalactic disgrace.
(Slime Creatures
from Outer Space.)
(Slime Creatures from Outer Space.)
I wish
they'd just get outta my face.
(Slime Creatures from Outer
Space.)
(Slime Creatures from Outer Space.)
They're makin' a
big, fat mess of this place.
(Slime Creatures.)
(Slime
Creatures.)
Where
did they come from?
What do they want from us?
Who do they
think they are?
(Slime Creatures. Slime Creatures.)
Why don't
they leave me alone?
(Slime Creatures. Slime Creatures.)
They're
really getting on my nerves.
(Slime Creatures. Slime
Creatures.)
Who ya gonna call? (Slime Creatures!)
Weird al show
Oh,
this is a story 'bout a guy named Al
And he lived in a sewer with
his hamster pal
But the sanitation workers really didn't
approve
So he packed up his accordion and had to move
To a
city in Ohio where he lived in a tree
And he
worked in a nasal decongestant factory
And
he played on the company bowling team
And every single night he
had a strange recurring dream
Where he was wearing lederhose in a
vat of sour cream
But that's really not important to the story
Well,
the very next year he met a dental hygienist
With a spatula
tatooed on her arm (on her arm)
But he didn't keep in touch
And
he lost her number
Then he got himself a job on a tator tot
farm
And he spent his life-savings on a split-level cave
Twenty
miles below the surface of the Earth (of the Earth)
And he really
makes a might fine jelly bean and pickle sandwich
For what it's
worth
Then
one day Al was in the forest trying to get a tan
When he heard
the tortured screaming of a funny little man
He was caught in a
bear trap and Al set him free
And the guy that he rescued was
grateful as could be
And it turns out he's a big-shot producer on
TV
So he gives Al a contract and whaddya know
Now he's got his
very own Weird Al show
Home improvement
So
you got dry rot and your water pressure's weak
Your trash
compactors broke, the roof has sprung a leak
You just found out
your toilet's over flowed
And your smoke detector's smoking and
your heater's gonna explode
But...
I'll repair for you
(When the roof starts to fall)
I'll
repair for you
(All the cracks in your wall)
I'll repair for
you
(Every nail, bolt and screw)
Your
washer's busted and your faucet drips all night
You got some
termites with a healthy appetite
Well have no fear, I'll patch
up every hole
'Cuz I'm licensed and I'm bonded, even se habla
espagnol
So...
I'll repair for you
(When your doorknob is loose)
I'll
repair for you
(When your plunger's no use)
I'll repair for
you
(With a caulk and hot glue)
I
am prepared to tackle, all kinds of paste and spackle
You got a
leaky shower, I'll be there in an hour
When stuff goes wrong
with plaster, I am a jedi master
We'll help you through your
crises,
Check out our low low prices too... yeah
Your
floors are sagging and your plumbing's shot
But if you don't
mind my hairy buttcrack every time that I squat
I'll
repair for you, anything that you need
I'll repair for you, and
my word's guaranteed
I'll repair for you, I'll rewire it too
I'll repair for you, I'll repair for you
I'll repair for
you, every nail, bolt and screw
