Sin's Remorse
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There is an innocence that is locked deep within everyone. It is a virtue that is nothing but pure, nothing but good. It gives all that it is able and asks for nothing in return. It longs only to heal and to love. Sometimes, we take it for granted; we take too much and offer too little. Sometimes we forget about it, we allow it to reside in shadows. We tend to forget. We deny, deny, deny, but that doesn't stop it from being true. There will always be compassion. At the end of the road, it is all that anyone truly has. There is a light; even within the deepest of darknesses there is a light. Sometimes, we just have to search a little harder to find it.
Kairi sat at her desk before the large window that overlooked the beach below. The horizon stretched out over forever across an endless sky that seemed only to bleed, dripping warm colors into the calm sea. Tonight, the sunset seemed dimmer than usual. The sun cast out rays of deep, velvet purple and dusky mauve, overtaking the common reds and oranges. Kairi sighed as she eyed the old piece of paper before her. It was tinged an off-white shade, probably from a constant contact with the sun. It was slightly wrinkled and torn around the edges. Kairi stared down at it menacingly, as if she were about to tear it into a thousand pieces and cast the shards out to sea. She didn't, however, and just continued staring. The tight, twisted cursive danced before her eyes. The dark ink had faded into the tan parchment and had turned an almost sepia shade. The handwriting wasn't difficult to read, she had read it many times, but the more times she read it, the harder it became to finish. She couldn't understand it; it was just a silly letter. It meant nothing. Kairi sighed and let her eyes go to the top of the page where she began to read it again.
Kairi,
You know, I never meant to write this. I don't know why I did, actually. I guess its just God making me do weird things again. Well, anyway… Remember that time, it was a few years ago, I think… I asked you if it was possible to be in love with someone even if they weren't in love with you. You asked me if I was in love with you, then. I told you that you were crazy, of course, thinking that you had suspected something by my question. I was eleven then, I wasn't supposed to know what love was. Anyway… I've been thinking about that lately. I think that it would be pretty hard to be in love with someone if they weren't also in love with you too. Nevertheless… I never did answer your question. That fateful question that can decide ones fate simply by how they answer it. I think you asked me that so we could figure out the answer to my question, right? I get it now… Because, you were never in love with me, Kairi, you said that once. I remember. You said that we were friends and that you loved me as your friend. Anyway… Considering this, you are not in love with me. But answering your question, Kairi, yes. Yes. Yes. Yes… I am in love with you. Damn it. Why am I writing this in pen? God, Kairi, I have been in love with since I was four stinking years old! Anyway… I have answered my question, and I just thought you'd like to know… I'm going to go rip this letter up now. See you later.
-Sora
Kairi stared blankly at the page. All the memories that this letter used to summon have faded away with each passing moment. She could no longer see Sora's innocent form crinkling the letter up and hiding it beneath his mattress. She could no longer see herself, beside him, as children; playing in the secret cave the night he asked her that very question. She could not feel his bright sapphire eyes piercing through her. She could no longer feel the way she felt when he first told her that he loved her, that also being the last time as well. She could not hear or see or feel the words he whispered softly in her ear, the eyes that held her back, and the hands that calmed her trembling body. He was naught but a faded memory now, hardly a memory at all. His voice seldom sang within her mind, the voice that had held her for so many years. That same voice that had cradled her weary head in its very hands. He was not, could not possibly be gone.
Kairi rose from her desk and took the ruffled piece of parchment in her hands. She glared at it; she tore it in pieces with her blazing eyes. With one swift motion she crumpled it into a ball and cast it out her open window. She did not watch as it fell to the ground below. She turned, anger filling her body, facing her pale, crimson wall. The colors of the early sunset reflected off its, usually, pale surface. She glared and she thought. She thought with all her being, trying to resurface every memory she had of him. There were pieces, small pieces; a smile, and a forgotten promise, the feeling of her body wrapped securely in his arms. No, no… these were not her memories, this was her fantasy. Kairi let out a loud and aggressive sigh as she turned to the door, her long, auburn hair whipping around her back. She hurled her wooden desk chair to the side, knocking it to the ground, and bolted out of her room. She ran like lightning down her staircase and out her front door. There she stopped, observing her surroundings. A harsh wind swept across her, playing with her skirt. She took no mind to the biting sting that burnt her tender skin. Her eyes caught the tiny ball of parchment as it rolled along the grass before her. She grinned and hurriedly chased after it. Just as if the paper were tied to a string and being pulled by someone who seemed to be playing a twisted game of "catch" with Kairi, the ball flew away from her, over towards the street. Kairi grunted and chased further after it. It was irritating, the closer she got to it, the more it rolled away. It was like the worst cliché from her deepest and darkest nightmares. She would not play this game. Kairi stopped and watched the paper float away in the breeze along the beach that she was now standing upon.
"It's a stupid old piece of parchment. It means nothing… It means nothing"Kairi repeated to herself as she refused to move. It's the only connection you have to him, Kairi. You want to remember… Don't you? Kairi's eyes grew wide.
"It's a damn piece of paper! If a stupid yellow fruit can't connect people, than how can a dumb piece of parchment!" Kairi exclaimed. She hated this. Her conscience. It always had a twisted way of playing with her. He promised that he'd come back… Does that mean nothing to you now? Kairi grew furious. She pulled at her hair in frustration.
"No… It means nothing," Kairi mumbled lightly. She looked out over the dusky horizon. "He's never coming back," she stated, decisively. "He is never coming back!" she exclaimed at the top of her lungs, falling to her knees hysterically. "What's the damn point in having memories when there's no one here to share them with?" she questioned insanely as she felt a warm liquid surface at the rims of her eyes. It was useless. "I'll always be with you," mimicked Kairi angrily as she almost began to laugh at the insanity of the moment. "I'll always be with you, yeah, so where the fucking hell are you know, Sora, huh?" Kairi shouted with forceful anguish. She fell silent, nothing to be heard but her forcing sobs drowned out by the polyphonic ocean waves, slow waves that gently caressed the shore with ease and soaked through the warm, moist sand that melted in the streaming colors of the sunset. She wept, spilling years of shallow remorse onto the sandy ground below.
Our memories are held within our innocence. But that's the funny thing, because our innocence seems to fade away far before our memories have a chance to. There's a difference, however. One can spend their entire life trying to bring back their innocence, trying to deny all that has burdened their thoughts and dried out their hearts in their life and never succeed. Yet, those who seek nothing but their memories and drown in their past may never truly live, but they find sanctity. They find what everyone is truly looking for. They find peace.
