Disclaimer….not mine.

AN…. First fiction piece and I have absolutely no beta so I apologise, all mistakes are mine. I'm also British which might explain a few things lol. Might be a one shot, not sure yet. Please let me know what you think. Thanks Thelma.

GUILT

Olivia closed her eyes and sank back onto the pillows. She stretched out her aching muscles and snuggled further down onto the bed. She could feel the tension leave her body as she breathed in the subtle fragrance of rose that lingered in her sheets from the laundry. It was only 9 O'clock but after the week she'd just had an early night was just what she needed. An entire weekend off. She wasn't on call, she had no plans, no reason to set an alarm. Olivia couldn't remember the last time she been able to relax like this.

She opened her eyes and rolled onto her back. She stared around the walls of her bedroom. Maybe this weekend she'd do some redecorating. Ever since her return from Oregon she been planning on a change. It hadn't felt like home, and maybe all it needed was a lick of paint, change of colour. For over ten years it hadn't changed much. It had never before bothered her but suddenly the room seemed too dark. Eyes darting around on the darkness Olivia could feel the now familiar sense of dread starting to creep up on her She quickly reached over and switched on a lamp. Breathing deeply she sat up and put her head in her hands. She rubbed at her temples as if that would dispel the images in there.

In her line of work she thought she'd had to deal with all the worst humanity had to offer and although it had affected her never to the degree here she felt scared for herself. She wasn't a victim. She was a cop. But then she went undercover at Seal view and things had changed. It had taken a few weeks until the reality of the situation had sunk in. She had almost died. She'd been resigned to this fact ever since becoming coming a cop, in the line of duty it you have to prepare yourself for that. But it wasn't that that was affecting her, she had almost been raped. All the years and she never thought that would happen to her. She was Olivia Benson, she was strong, she could take down a man twice her size and not break into a sweat. But she'd been beaten, beaten by a weak little man who needed to control women because they were weaker than him. But she shouldn't have been. She was trained for this. But she'd been restrained. She should never let herself get into that situation. She'd trusted him. She'd let her guard down. So he'd helped her wasn't the first true of betrayal to get the other person to trust you. How could she have been so stupid. He'd picked her, out of everyone. Did he see something in her that she couldn't see. Did he see a victim. Did he know that she was damaged, just waiting for something like this to happen. After all it happened to her mother, like mother like daughter.

Olivia felt her eyes start to pool with tears. Furiously she scrubbed at her eyes with the back of her hand. Shakily she reached for her phone and dialed the now familiar number. The one person who could understand. As she pressed call she felt guilt rise in her. He wasn't the person she was supposed to call. He wasn't supposed to be her saviour, not him. The ringing stopped and she heard the comforting voice on the other end.

"Olivia…"

She paused and took a deep breath.

"Hey Fin, sorry to call you. Are you still at the house?"

"Nah…we left just after you…I'm alone."

"Oh…that's good." She sighed in relief. He wasn't with Elliot, that was good.

"What's up girl…do you need me to come over." Olivia smiled. Who would have thought that just the sound of Fin's voice would be the all the relief she needed.

"No it's okay…I..uh just needed to hear your voice." She laughed nervously. She knew \fin wouldn't mind her calling, he'd had a couple of these calls from her in the last couple of weeks. He never mentioned it when they were at work. He seemed to know what she needed.

"Anytime Liv, you know that. You sure that's all you need?"

"Yeah I'm fine just…" She couldn't go on, she didn't know what she wanted to say.

"I know….it's OK you don't need to say it." Olivia could feel herself beginning to relax. And lay back down on the bed again.

"Thanks Fin, I'm gonna go now. Have an early night yeah?"

"No problem, you call me anytime…for anything."

"I know…and thanks." Olivia hung up the phone. She knew why she was calling Fin and not Elliot. It was Fin's voice that had saved her in that hell hole, he was the one who'd made her feel save again. The minute she'd heard him she known it was over. She was getting out of that prison she could go back to being Olivia Benson. Not Kat. She wasn't going to be raped. He'd had her back and for that she was eternally grateful. He was the only one who knew exactly what had happened down there. The only one who could understand. So why did she feel guilty about calling him and not Elliot?

Fin looked down at his phone after Olivia had hung up. He could feel his insides clenching as the bile rose in his throat. He wished he could help her more but he knew that these phone calls were the closest she'd ever come to letting him. He knew never to mention. This as her secret and he was glad he could help in whatever small way he could. But he was worried. This wasn't Olivia Benson, bad-ass cop. This was Olivia Benson scared, vulnerable woman…and it was his fault. If he'd got to her sooner he could have prevented any of it from happening. She wouldn't need to call him in the middle of the night. He loved this woman as if she was his own flesh and blood and it killed him to see her like this, to even think about what she went through down in that basement.

At first it had seemed like she was handling it. But then he started to get these phone calls and he knew this, Olivia was close to breaking. He wanted to tell someone, he wanted to tell Elliot. He couldn't understand how this man, her partner who knew her better than anyone else couldn't see what was happening right in font of his eyes. Fin could feel his anger rising. Elliot Stabler was an ass hole. So self involved. Olivia had stuck by him, helped him through all the shit, stood by and let him treat her like dirt. But he couldn't pull his head out of his own ass and look at the woman he stood side by side with everyday.

Fin shook his head, he just didn't get it. He needed a drink. He needed a lot of drinks.

Elliot Stabler had a secret. No one knew about his new nightly activities. It wasn't something he was proud of. And it was something that he certainly would never admit to, to anyone. Kathy didn't know. He just told her he was working late. That they had caught a case. By the time he got home, she was long gone. Dead to the world. She no longer woke up when he crawled into bed. He felt no guilt about lying to Kathy about it. He needed this.

He sighed as he rubbed his hands together. It was a cold night. As he felt the air seep into his clothes he couldn't help but feel like this was punishment. He deserved this. He shifted in his seat. The car was uncomfortable but he'd sit it for the entire night if he had to. He looked back up into the apartment above him. He watched as Olivia Benson went into her kitchen and grabbed a bottle of water from the fridge. He noticed she changed her clothes. Gone was the work Olivia and replaced was the woman that Olivia was. Wearing a pair of over-sized men's pyjamas she looked small. As she reached her bedroom he watched as she paused in the doorway before going. He couldn't see in the room. He curtains closed but he could see light peeking out. The light went out and he couldn't see anything now.

Elliot sighed, he sit here another hour and then head home. Just to make sure. Elliot knew she wasn't okay and the guilt he felt from not being the one to have her back in the prison had driving him out here the first night. He'd waited for her to leave the station before him and then come and sat outside her apartment the entire night. He'd come back the next night and the next and before he knew it he'd been there every night. He just couldn't bring himself to leave. She didn't need to know.

Elliot laughed to himself. She'd probably kick his ass if she ever found out. But she never would. He glanced at his watch. It was just after 11 still early. He looked back into the apartment. It was still dark. He sit here for another hour and that was it. He'd go home. Just one more hour.