I've had this idea floating in my head for a while, don't know if it's good or not.
Even though it was a few days of Sam being alone before Ruby showed up I'm going to make it longer for this fic.
I know this might have a lot of talk about Ruby but it was kind of necessary.
Dean felt guilty for going through his brother's things, but he felt like he had too. Sam hadn't been completly honest with him since he came back. In fact Sam became someone very different. Dean didn't seem to know his brother anymore. He was hoping that there was something in Sam's things that explained his little brother's actions and reactions to things lately. He knew Sammy had a lot on his plate, with his powers and reuniting with his brother but still...Dean still didn't understand Sam like he used to, and he hated that.
He stared something that was a black leather book. He fingered it. It was a journal. A gold mine for what he was looking for. The question was, should he read it? Dean had always respected Sam's privacy beforehand...but still, he had to understand his brother more. Yes, he had to read it. He opened it.
May 18, 2008
Today is the first day without my brother. He's dead. You'd think I'd be upset, but I can't feel anything...it's like all feelings have been earesed. I don't know why I'm writing this. Maybe I just want to remember that I'm still alive, but I also want people to know that we were here. Bobby's not going to live forever, and how else will people know the Winchester's exsisted?
My brother died to save me. Me of alll people. Why? What makes me so Goddamned special? I'm the one that got my family killed. Mom died because of me, she was trying to protect me.
Dad died because Azazel wanted me out of the way, easier to get to me. Dad was making the deal to save Dean but he made it with Yellow Eyes. So he still died because of me.
Jessica died too, because of me. Same with Maddison.
It seems like almost everyone I touch dies...including Dean.
I should really leave Bobby's house soon. I don't want to kill him.
May 20, 2008
Is it possible to feel so dead inside?
May 25, 2008
Bobby wants to burn Dean's body. I can't bare that idea. Too final. I've decided to bury him.
Who would have thought that I would have to bury my own brother?
May 26, 2008
I buried Dean. And yet...I feel nothing. My chest ached, though, when I dug his grave. Bobby wanted to do it but I told him no.
Than I told him this wasn't over yet. I was going to get Dean back. I have to. I can't live like this forever.
I have to go now. Bobby's in danger if I stay near him much longer.
I feel cold, but I'm right next to the fire
May 30, 2008
I know I said I was going to keep this journal to keep my family's legacy alive so I guess I should talk about them
My mom, I don't know much about her. All I know is that she died protecting me.
Dad became obssessed with hunting. How I hated him. How I fought with him, hated the way he controlled our lives.
It wasn't until after his death did I realize that he did the best he could after mom died.
He died probably thinking I hated him. I picked a fight with him the last time I saw him.
I'd give anything to talk to him again. But I don't know if I could look at him in the face, tell him Dean's dead because of me.
He'd hate me, I know it. How? Because I hate myself, and dad and I...we're al lot alike. More alike than I'd like to admit.
And now about Dean... What can I say? He was annoying at times, definantly a wominizer, drank too much...but...he was my best friend. My hero. The person I looked up to the most. I idolized him. I always knew he thought of himself as worthless. I can't believe he didn't see how great of a person he was. How big his heart was. How he sometimes cared so much it would hurt him.. How loyal he was. How protective he was of his family.
And now he's gone. Because of me. The person with the demon blood inside of him.
The person that had died and should have stayed dead.
I can't write anymore...my head hurts...
I can't live like this too much longer. I feel like I can't breathe.
May 31, 2008
I tried to make a deal with the crossroad demons. He just laughed in my face. I stabbed him with the knife.
No demons will deal with me, I can't believe it.
Dean's dead.
I might as well be dead too.
Maybe if I just grab my gun and pull the trigger it'll all be over. And I'll be reunited wtih Dean again...because I know I'm going to hell. No way heaven would let demon blood get in there.
May 32, 3008
Ruby tried to kill me at first, but apparently it was an act. I didn't want her walking around in some came back taking a person who had just died.
I must be loosing my mind, trusting a demon. She told me about my powers, that I can expand them. I'm terrified of doing that.
But if it'll help me kill Lilith than...
Am I crazy doing this? What would Dean want me to do? I wish he was here, but he's not. He's in hell...being tortured as I speak. Even if I get Lilith nothing can change that, but hunting her down and expanding my powers? That's all I've got right now.
Dean continued to flip through it, reading about training Ruby, how saving people made him feel alive all of a sudden.
About how Ruby saved him from his own self destruction
I finally feel alive again. I saved someone. I forgot how good that felt. And I saved them using my powers. MY powers. Powers that were supposed to be used for evil. Now they can be used for good. If I continue to save people than the Winchester legacy can continue on through them.
I have to do this, for Dean and Dad. They wouldn't want me to give up. They'd want me to continue to save people, and this is the only way I know how.
Than he read about having sex with a demon
I can't believe I had sex with a demon...I'm disgusted just thinking about it...but she was so persistent. And...just for a few moments I was...happy. I forgot what it was like to be happy. I forgot what it was like not to think about Dean. For once I wasn't feeling guilt or pain.
But still...I can't believe I had sex with her.
And yet I know somehow I'll do it again. Just so I can experience that feeling more often. That feeling of being at peace with yourself. Of not really...thinking at all.
I can't believe I'm falling for a demon.
Dean would be so dissapointed. But I can't help it. If she was gone I know I'd turn cold. I'd become heartless..I'm terrified of what I had become when Dean died that Wednesday last year, when the Trickster made him dead for 6 months-
Dean's eyes widened. He knew he died on those Tuesdays, but did he die on that Wednesday as well? This was all news to him
I can't become that person...
I have to remember how to feel. How to care. Ruby helps me remember. She helps me stay human.
More and more of it became depressing but Dean made himself read it. If Sam had to go through it, Dean had to read it.
I hate myself by each passing day... If I coudln't save the people the way I have been...if it wasn't for Ruby...if I was alone...I don't want to think about it.
Than finally he read about himself returning.
Dean's alive...I don't know how, but he's alive.
I lied to him though, about my powers. I know he'd look at me like I'm a freak. I hate it when he does that. Because deep down I still think I'm a freak too.
I hate lying to him.
Dean closed his eyes but continued to read.
Oh God...Dean just saw me use his powers...He just left with this look on his face...I...I can barely breathe. He looked so disgusted with me. Like I'm some sort of monster.
Have I really become a monster?
What if he doesn't come back? What if he leaves for good? I can't stand to lose him again!
I can't breathe..or think clearly...wait, he's coming.
Dean already knew what was going to happen next. He still read.
Dean doesn't understand. He thinks I'm a monster.
"If I didn't know you I would want to hunt you"
Dean winced as he read that. Yeah, he was a little harsh there.
Have I really gone that far off the deep end?
And God doesn't like me apparently, from what it sounds like Dean's saying.
My own brother would want to hunt me.
He says he doesn't look at me like a freak but he does. I see it in his eyes. He doesn't understand what it's like to have that demon blood pumping in my veins. To have that rage and hate try and consume you. And it nearly did until Ruby came and reminded me what my purpose in life was, to save people.
But Dean wouldn't understand that. He thinks Ruby's a manipulative bitch. I understand that...but still...would it hurt for him to try and see it my way? To try and understand what I'm going through?
It's a constant battle for me. He doesn't know that because he doesn't ahve to deal with it.
Sometimes the rage is so much I can barely think straight. Sometimes I'm sure it's going to win, but than I control it.
One day I might not be able to, though.
God...I really am a monster.
Dean sighed. He hadn't been that harsh on the kid, had he? He knew that he had, but he just hated reading about it.
I met the Angels. Castiel wouldn't shake my hand at first. Guess he didn't want to get demon blood on him. And Uriel threatened me-
Dean's eyes widened as he read that. It didn't surprise me but Dean really hated the secrets that his brother was keeping from him.
Said the moment I started being more trouble than help they'll get rid of me.
I know I'm a monster now, the fricking Angels don't like me and they don't trust me.
Dean sighed and started to read more when he heard the noise of the door closing from behind him. He jumped and turned around and stared at Sam, who stared coldly back.
"Dean, what the hell do you think your doing with that?"
For once in his life, Dean was speechless....
So um yeah, let me know if it's crap or not. lol.
