Greg House was walking throughout his hospital, or rather limping about evading Cuddy while simultaneously being bored when he encountered Wilson, whose eyes seemed... odd.

"What are you doing?" Wilson had to ask.

"I'm examining your pupils." Of course. Wilson shrugged somewhat, or he would have if he weren't currently being accosted. House was bored, the most simple and common diagnosis for any of his behavior.

Still, Wilson wanted to know more about why his own pupils struck House as interesting. So he asked, which is a bold if ineffective route with House.

"Why? Or is this just your usual insanity showing itself"
House felt over-joyed by his friend's willingness to join the game on this occasion.

"Insanity mixed with a touch of concern, you might be going blind"
And select birds in Australia might be making first contact with aliens.

"Or it might be you're just bored and can't take anymore vicodin for at least a dozen more hours"
Wilson knew his friend well.

"I have only one hour remaining and your pupils look ragged, which means you're high"
As a statement and not a question Wilson knew an answer would be pointless, he spoke anyway.

"No I'm not, if I were high then my pupils would be dilated"
House silently thought himself in agreement that Wilson's answer was pointless and as such pointed this out to him.

"Denial means, nothing to me at all. you're pupils look funny, which means something is affecting you. And unlike me, you would have no legitimate reason to be high while on the clock. If you are high you can't admit to it and if you're not then you're telling the truth. Seeing as nobody tells me the truth... don't worry, I understand. But now you do realize I have evidence with which to blackmail you."

Wilson wished for a moment that he had been keeping track of all the times House tried to blackmail him. "Great, more dishes to wash. IF I were high."

House wanted more this time if he were to go so far as to blackmail Wilson again.
"Maybe a little more than dishes, you see my bike looks awful dusty too."

Wilson had patients to attend to, unlike House and so one of them had to end this interrogation.
"I'm not stoned House. Now are you eventually going to go back to your office?"

"Yeah, yeah"
House realized that he had asked for an MRI, an LP, and a tox screen of his patient and knew these tests couldn't possibly be complete yet. He also knew that Foreman would begin following him around unless some task was given. So once he entered the office labeled DR House MD, and saw Foreman sitting at a chair inside, he killed two birds with one stone.

"HEY FOREMAN! DID THE TEST RESULTS COME BACK YET!"

Foreman answered in his usual, calm and slightly irritated voice.
"House, I'm right here and shouting doesn't usually speed up the tests you gave the team."

House took great pride in his power to annoy, and exercised this power often. Such as right now.
"That's not my point, I'm yelling because I resent your being here rather than being with my team of newbies."

Foreman knew House very well, so the next lines of conversation were very commonplace examples of the norm.
"You want me to babysit."

"Exactly."

"You probably also want me to leave so I don't see your secret vicodin stash."

"Also sort of right."

"I'll go babysit."

House relished his victory, he also relished the fact that at times like these he felt like playing the EVIL genius.
"Now off to Wilson's to see what sort of stash he has right now... MWAHAHAHAHA"

When House goes to somene's home or office, he first does a version of what other people commonly do. He checks to see if they are present before entering. His method is designed to work better if they aren't.
"WILSON, ARE YOU HOME?.................................. I guess not. Now if I were an addict in denial as oppossed to an addict, where would I hide my stash?"

It was at this exact moment, as he was entering his friend's office, that things began getting wierd.

SWITCH PERSPECTIVES NOW.

Holly Short was not in the habit of using the mesmer on mud people unless it was absolutely required by the situation. On this occasion there was at least one instance already where they had to just that, and now they (As in her, Mulch the dwarf, Foaly the centaur tech expert, and the young genius Artemis Fowl) had to conceal their existence by any means necessary. So when a mud man came limping in to Dr Wilson's office she had to react quickly to avoid exposure. So she used the wings on her shimmer suit to hover to eye level with the poor mud man and opened the visor on her helmet so eye contact could be made and the mesmer employed. Holly never once enjoyed forcing someone into the mesmer, this time was no different.

"Please stand perfectly still and listen to what I say very carefully." Spoke the floating, disembodied face with unmatched eyes.

"What a pretty voice. Who are you?"

"I am a friend."

House smiled, while under the influence of the mesmer... he looked very stoned. But happy, which was an odd feeling for him.

"Friend, Wilson's a friend of mine. He's also a target of mine but he's my friend. Say are you over eighteen"
Holly nearly choked for a moment at this comment, Foaly tried hard to keep a straight face... he failed. Holly rolled her eyes and continued with the mesmer.

"I can't answer that question... or any others right now, but I hope you can answer mine..."

"Fire away."

"I won't have to if you tell me your name."

House's smile got bigger, among other things...

"You know, you look pretty cute for a floating face."

Holly blushed somewhat, usually people under the mesmer were too deep under to do anything but listen, much less flirt. She glanced at Artemis questioningly, he nodded for her to add another layer to the mesmer. Which she did.

"Thank you, we floating faces try very hard to look our best. Now please tell me your name."

"Your eyes don't match, one's hazel and the other's blue. Interesting"
Clearly another layer was needed, and so another was added.

"I need you to tell me your name."

"Of course, the most likely cause is simply tinted contact lenses... But they look natural"
Holly considered adding more layers, but chose not to, it'd be faster but also maybe harmful. She decided to be polite instead.

"Please stop asking about my eyes. I want to know about you now. What is your name?"

"Gregory House. I'm a doctor, do you need a doctor? Maybe for some condition involving those unusual eyes? Better yet, I'm on clinic duty so maybe you'd like to go to a hotel so we can play doctor"
Foaly lost all control and began guffawing, Artemis gagged, Mulch laughed while simutaneously giving applause. Holly turned red.

"I'm fine thank you. You need to forget we ever existed for now, unless we address you soon. We aren't really here you see."

"Ah, so you're just a hallucination. I have a lot of those at times."

"Yes, and you are about to leave here having accomplished whatever you came here for with no reason to come back. Ever."

House began to walk away when he remembered his reason for being there in the first place, though he would certainly flirt with the face more if he had the time, she liked him.

"I came here to get whatever drugs Wilson has stashed here, I can't leave without them or else I will simply come back later. I've got a duty to him as a friend you see, he has a drug problem and I can't sit idly by while he poisons himself." Something complelled House to tell the truth, not a common thing, so he spoke again.

"I want to get rid of the pain in my leg, the drugs Wilson seems to be taking affect the iris, meaning they're probably oppiates... they work by blocking certain receptors in the brain and..."

Someone was walking up the hallway approaching Wilson's office, while they would probably just pass by Wilson's office, unecessary risks must be Artemis's signal Holly immediately chose to just send House away.

"D'Arvit, oh my, your leg is better now. Try walking on it, you'll see. Now go away until we call for you and remember that we aren't real. Just hallucinations from the drugs."

The next thing House new he was walking away from Wilson's office with no pain at all in his body. He was so high he couldn't remember what the name even was of the drugs he took. His next thoughts were simple.

"Well, the past thirty minutes are a blur so I must have sampled Wilson's drugs and... Holy crap I can walk. I gotta find Wilson, but first I gotta pee."

SWITCH PERSPECTIVE again.

Mulch was first to speak when the coast was clear. "I LOVE that Mud Man! Artemis, take notes because THAT is romancin' the opposite sex"
Foaly still couldn't quite hold in his laughter, he had luckily managed to keep from laughing to loudly when the random passerby went past but now he just couldn't help it. Artemis looked like he had just witnessed a mugging. Holly was so red she looked like she could have given the late commander Root a run for his money.

Artemis was first to regain his composure "Now we need to figure out where we are, why we are here, where Butler is, and if it is absolutely necessary we ever encounter that arrogant, vulgar and obnoxious man again."

Holly just turned her shield off and walked over to have a seat in Wilson's chair as silently as a spider scratching in Madagascar. She sealed her helmet to prevent any sound from escaping and turned off her communications. She then proceeded loudly complaining to the Heavens above about why every man she meets are paradoxically both highly educated and a total moron.

AUTHOR NOTES, I cleaned up an embarrassing typo and added an obscure gag from the series involving Lupus and House's stash. If you get it then you deserve a pat on the back. The forum is growing now and ideas are coming in now, meaning the project can officially begin soon. Oh, and I should have a silly little chapter added soon about Wilson and Holly being evil toward House and Artemis. Again, please review what you like and don't like. Personally I think I got a bit risque except I had to try to imitate House's personality with some suggestive reference. Though I don't think I will have Holly fall ill, then have House claim it's an STD and point the finger at Artemis and then eventually at Foaly, only to find both are guilty along with Wing Commander Vinyaya and Wilson. That would be very like an episode of House though... Maybe.

THE LINK TO THE FORUM FOR THIS FANFIC IN PROGRESS IS HERE, PLEASE VISIT IT TO GIVE INPUT IF YOU WANT TO SEE THIS OR MORE LIKE THIS IN THE FUTURE! .net/forum/Greg_House_versus_Artemis_Fowl_and_other_insanity/56276/