She can't look into her mirror these days, all she sees is a murderer and
dead hollow eyes. There isn't anything left for her now, not now that
Tara's dead. There's no meaning and she can't feel anything. She supposes
that perhaps she really should be feeling something, but it's as if there's
wool all around her and it's cushioning her from emotion. She hopes that
soon she'll start to panic over that fact because at least then it would be
an emotion and it would prove that she was still human.
That's an area she's not so sure about anymore and she realizes now what Buffy went through after she was brought back from the dead. She doesn't blame her for sleeping with Spike anymore; at least Buffy was feeling something. Perhaps if she sleeps with Spike she'll feel something and she wonders if he'd go for that. No she decides he wouldn't. Besides it would take energy she just doesn't have.
She has a window that's next to her bed and it shows a gorgeous scene of the English countryside. Maybe she'd be more impressed with it if she had come to this country under different circumstances, but she can't look out the window either. Every time she turns to look her gaze passes over the mirror opposite her bed and she can't look at the mirror.
The mirror is bad, it shows things she doesn't want to deal with. It shows things she isn't ready to see and she wonders briefly if she can enchant the mirror to show only what she wants it to show. Just like the queen in Snow White. Then she would be able to stand in front of the mirror with confidence, she would be in control and things would be as she shaped them to be. But no, the coven wouldn't like that. She could hear them in her head telling her that it wouldn't be productive to her recovery to give into whims such as that.
Maybe one day she would be able to look in the mirror again and she would be able to feel things. Grief over the death of Tara, shame over her reaction to it and trying to end the world. Then she'd be able to look out the window and see the countryside she once dreamt about as a child. And after that perhaps she'd be able to leave her room.
But first she had to look at herself in the mirror. She could tell that this was going to take a while.
That's an area she's not so sure about anymore and she realizes now what Buffy went through after she was brought back from the dead. She doesn't blame her for sleeping with Spike anymore; at least Buffy was feeling something. Perhaps if she sleeps with Spike she'll feel something and she wonders if he'd go for that. No she decides he wouldn't. Besides it would take energy she just doesn't have.
She has a window that's next to her bed and it shows a gorgeous scene of the English countryside. Maybe she'd be more impressed with it if she had come to this country under different circumstances, but she can't look out the window either. Every time she turns to look her gaze passes over the mirror opposite her bed and she can't look at the mirror.
The mirror is bad, it shows things she doesn't want to deal with. It shows things she isn't ready to see and she wonders briefly if she can enchant the mirror to show only what she wants it to show. Just like the queen in Snow White. Then she would be able to stand in front of the mirror with confidence, she would be in control and things would be as she shaped them to be. But no, the coven wouldn't like that. She could hear them in her head telling her that it wouldn't be productive to her recovery to give into whims such as that.
Maybe one day she would be able to look in the mirror again and she would be able to feel things. Grief over the death of Tara, shame over her reaction to it and trying to end the world. Then she'd be able to look out the window and see the countryside she once dreamt about as a child. And after that perhaps she'd be able to leave her room.
But first she had to look at herself in the mirror. She could tell that this was going to take a while.
