I had fun writing this story. But, I think only I get most of the humor. ._.

Either way, I hope you enjoy reading it.

Rated T for language,

I WISH I owned Monster Hunter Tri.

My first fic ever, critique requested! None of that 'be nice to me' shit! I wanna know what you have to say!

So. You, as a hunter, will immediately dismiss this story as bullshit because human are simple minded jackasses. But, this is the truth, I tell you! That Moga Chief jerk has been lying to you all along! Well, he hasn't, actually. But, he is only telling you his side of the story, which is completely unfair! I think I get a say in this, right? (The answer is yes. Don't argue.) So, this is what really happened:

It all started in the ocean shallows near Moga Village. Which, according to the Chief, is a problem in itself. (Pfft, he doesn't own the ocean) Well, I was only there because that Ceadus jerk was swinging his freakishly long horns around, and I'm all like, "Dude, cut that out! You're gonna poke someone's eye out!" But he didn't listen to me, of course. Elder Dragons. So anyway, I relocated.

So, I guess Cheify was all pissed off about those broken boats. And, yeah, I don't deny smashing them. I've got a perfectly legit reason for it, though! I was swimming in Moga Shallows, minding my business and checking out my new pad, when these boats come into view. So I'm all, "Okay, whatevs," and keep minding my own business. After a while, I came up to relax in the sun and take a breather, but, those boats (Who were totally not looking where they were going) ran right into my FACE. I gave them plenty of warning, and if they knew their maritime laws, they would've known I had the right-of-way. But anyway, if someone ran a boat into your face, you'd be a little pissed off, too. So, I smashed up two of their boats to teach them a lesson. Perhaps it wasn't the greatest idea, but most organisms tend to make bad decisions when they're angry. (cough*chacha*cough) Really, though, they should be thanking me. I destroyed the old, crappy boats, and they got shiny new ones because of it! You're welcome?

Either way, it ticked them off, and they're all "OH MY GODZ THAT LAGICRUS IS ALL EVUL AN STUFF!1111" And they got some total noob hunter to get rid of me. Nice. I wasn't particularly concerned, so I kept MINDING MY OWN BUSINESS in Moga Coast. Then one day, I was hunting some epioth, and spotted a small group of them, so moved in. I swam up, and owned one of their faces. The epioth went "EWWWWEREWWW" and died, and I'm like, "Sweet," When this nooby hunter shows up. Apparently, she was hunting epioth too. So, I figured I would take this opportunity to show her what she was dealing with, and swam over to give her a little taste of my awesome. I readied my electrical charge, and gave her a little zap. Like, the weakest zap I could muster. Unfortunately, I didn't realize just how noobish she was, and she fainted right then and there. I mean, I know humans are pathetic and frail, but really? That was just kind of sad. Anyway, I turned around to deal with my epioth, and with a glance back, she was gone! Poof, like she vanished into thin air! Er, water. (I later found out that Felynes came and got her. I'm still trying to figure out how that works.) Anyway, I decided to apologize like the nice, respectable monster I am. As she jumped into the water in Area 10, I said, "Hey, I'm sorry I kind of killed you! I didn't realize how lame and pathetic you were!" And I thought it was a nice gesture, and she'd be all like, "Aw, Lagi, it's okay now!" And we'd get along. But, I forgot humans don't speak Lagiacrus, and apparently it sounded like a seriously scary, mean, monster roar. Oops. She hauled ass to somewhere, and I was like, "Whatevs, I don't have time for this shiz," and went back to swimming. After that, I didn't see her again for quite a while. Again, oops.

So, a few weeks or so later, I'm just chillin', minding my own business and taking a nap on land. But, those stupid Jaggi kept barking at me, and it was really irritating. I mean, no matter how many of those things you kill, there's always a thousand more! You'd think they'd get hunted to extinction after a while. But noooooo. So, these Jaggi wake me up, and I'm cranky about it. I need my beauty sleep, or my scales will get dull and bent up! I told them to "SHUT UP!" And because the universe loves me, that hunter just happened to show up then. Coincidence? I think not. Anyway, she runs up and starts attacking me for no reason! WTF? Now, I'm already crabby, and now she comes along and makes my night EVEN FUCKING BETTER. So, in another momentary lapse of judgment, I start fighting back. BECAUSE THATS WHAT THINGS DO WHEN YOU TRY TO KILL THEM. I'm thinking, "Not up in here!" I was sick of this hunter swimming all over the place and killing the epioth anyway, so I figure two birds, one stone. But, I greatly underestimated her improvement. She had pimped out armour and some bad-assed weapon, and she kicked my butt all the way to Area 10.

So, she's all "QUEST COMPLETE!" and I'm stuck with no claws, no tail, and a hurt chest, and seriously wounded pride. Remember how I was just taking a nap, and she ran up and started hitting me with her metal stick? I hope you do, because it was like, a paragraph ago. (What are you, a goldfish?) So now, yeah, I'm seriously pissed off. You would be too in my situation. After a little R&R, I decided to show that upstart, hunter jerk why I'm Sea-Lord, and she's some stupid, bipedal, landlubber mammal. I made my back to Moga Coast, and smashed shit up to show her this was SERIOUS BUSINESS, like the internet. (Those pillars obscured my vision anyways. When I came back later, though, they were back! What did they do? Grow out of the rock!) She came running into the area, jumped in the sea, and it was ON LIKE DONKEY KONG.

That little acorn-headed freak is really annoying. Between his constant, stupid dancing, and horrible grammar that gives me a headache, I knew I should take him out first. After a few hits, he vanished in a puff of smoke. Coward. Haha. Then, it was on to the hunter jerk. Time to teach her some manners. I nailed her with an electric ball, and it took out like, half her health because she had super-low electrical resistance. I mean, c'mon. That's just insulting. Be decently prepared if you're gonna take me on. You think I'm some little Ludroth? News flash: I'm infinitely cooler and stronger. So that n00b went on land to heal, like the inferior being she is. I wasn't about to go on land, so I curled up and waited. She dove back into the water, and it was on again. But somehow that Cha-Cha idiot was back! What was he, immortal? Why won't he die like everything else? Anyway, I kept bringing on the pain, until my horns broke! My pride and joy! Gone! Okay, this had gone far enough. I went onto land to recover a bit, and get my strength up. As I jumped on land, she followed me! And I was like, "I need a moment!" But, I didn't have a Twix, and that hunter didn't have a heart, apparently.

So, as you can probably guess, land isn't exactly my forte, and my plan backfired big time. My ass got thoroughly handed to me, and my tail got cut off, AGAIN. Do you think it feels good, having your tail severed twice? That little twat, to add insult to injury, carved it right in front of my face! How insensitive! I mean, really! Needless to say, I didn't appreciate that. But at the same time, I didn't have the energy to exact my Lagi-wrath on her. I jumped back into my element, and slunk away in shame. I decided to take a nap in area 12, (Hey, not all ideas are winners) and curled up. Because I'm made of pixels and it's convenient to the player, (PROGRAMMERS D) I fell asleep instantly. But this hunter, ONCE AGAIN, interrupts my nap with her metal pokey stick. I hate to say it, but the fight didn't last long. I was tired, in pain, and crippled. In the end, it was Lagi: 1 Human: 2. But really, without your armour and weapons, you'd be useless and pathetic. How does that feel? Snap.

So, hunter. I hope reading this makes you realize that you can't always listen to your own species all the time. Monsters have reasons for what they're doing, and they're better than yours. If you ever want to learn to coexist wit-Oh, wait. Right, it's a game, and killing monsters in the whole point of it, so that'll never happen. Well, maybe it was wasted time, since I'm, you know, not real and made of pixels. But still, I can try, right?

By the way: You may wonder how this story came around if I'm dead. The answer? The same as the felynes getting your carcass out of the water. Nobody knows but me. HA. SUCK ON THAT! YOU'LL NEVER KNOW, BITCHES!