Under the assumption that this would have eventually be found and removed, and with the intention of preventing that, this marks the beginning of the conversion of this fic into paragraph form. As a pseudo-unifying device intended to justify the total randomness of the chapter content, I've introduced a new aspect (I won't insult your intelligence by trying to fool you into thinking it's a plot) to the story.
-Disclaimer: I don't own anything-
Chapter One: A New Beginning…Again
Link, Romani, and King Zora were sitting quietly, the glow of the bonfire playing on their faces.
"Who's got marshmallows?" Link asked dejectedly, breaking the perfect silence.
"Not me," replied the Zora King. "Romani?"
The latter shook her head.
Suddenly, with much scuffling of dainty, slippered feet, Princess Zelda arrived on the scene. She looked less than pleased. "Why," she demanded, "do you have a BONFIRE going inside my castle?"
Romani shrugged. "Oh, I don't know. Felt like it."
"It just seemed like the thing to do at the time," Link contributed.
"Guards!" Zelda shrieked.
Link winced. "Great. Those bozos."
The guards clattered into view. "You called me, Princess?" Guard One asked.
"No, you fool," whispered Guard Two to his partner, smoothing his hair as he did so, "she called me."
"Actually," smirked Guard One, "it was, in fact, me whom the lovely Princess sent for."
Guard Two clenched a mailed fist. "It was me!" he hissed.
With a challenging stare at Guard Two, Guard One pulled off his gauntlet and threw it to the floor. "Let's settle this," he grated.
"Make my day," retorted Guard Two as he also removed a gauntlet and tossed it to the ground. "Best fifty-one of a hundred and one?"
"Of course," Guard One agreed as he and Guard Two began to circle one another. An epic and ferocious bout of Rock-Paper-Scissors commenced.
Zelda sighed. "I'm surrounded by idiots…"
Link grinned his most winsome grin- which, if the lady Zelda fans out there are to be believed, was pretty winsome. "Except for me, right? Riiiiiight?"
"Especially you, Link," Zelda corrected.
"Speaking of Link," Link said, brightening, "he told me to ask if you'd go out with him."
Romani's eyes began to cross from confusion at this point.
Zelda considered the proposition. "Well," she concluded, "okay."
Link blinked at her. "That was unexpected," he mused.
Zelda giggled her most despicable, cutesy princess giggle. "Wasn't it?"
"Say," Link said. "Maybe that means the Sacred Realm will let me in now!"
He was confronted by the blank stares of all present, sans the two guards who were still locked in their grim Rock-Paper-Scissors duel. The score at this point, for those curious minds out there, was 3-1 in favor of Guard Two.
Link heaved a sigh. He imagined that it was the sigh to end all sighs, but we all know how those (insert noun) to end all (insert plural form of same noun) tend to turn out. "Okay, okay," he said reluctantly. "Here's the part where I relieve your conveniently contrived ignorance for the sake of the readers. I kind of want to get into the Sacred Realm and poke around a little bit, right? I mean it's the freaking Sacred Realm for goddesses' sakes. It's gotta be nice. Anyway, it was being moody and said it would only let me in if I could get Zelda to date me. Now I've done that, which got me to thinking that perhaps it would let me in."
Without warning (a characterization that can be applied to many of the actions taken by the characters in this fic), Mido came running into the room. This would have been no cause for concern among the others had he not been screaming in a manner that indicated that, were it not obvious that he was in the middle of Hyrule Castle, he might have been in the process of turning into a light snack for Volvagia.
"What's the matter with you, twerp?" Link asked, about as sympathetically as an atom bomb. Mido ignored this and proceeded to run laps around the Rock-Paper-Scissors spectacle (4-3, Guard One).
"Will somebody please deck him?" Romani asked sweetly.
"It would be my pleasure!" rumbled Darunia, after unceremoniously crashing through a wall.
Zelda, mildly upset by this turn of events, promptly slapped the Goron chieftain full in the face. "Goon," she muttered.
Darunia began to tear up, but King Zora decided to head him off. "Shut up," he snapped.
Darunia's tears ceased, only to be replaced by rage. More than a little intimidated, Mido fell to his knees and began a rather pathetic effort to sway Darunia's anger. This involved substantial use of the fetal position and various sickeningly obsequious supplications.
Always one who knew just the right thing to do in tense situations, the Princess removed one of her slippers and began mauling her little toe. "My little toe itches," she explained to those interested, which until she spoke had been no one at all.
Again came an agonizing wave of blank stares, this time directed at Zelda.
"What?" she wanted to know, and was immediately met with the maniacal laughter that had replaced the now-obsolete blank stares. Seeing that it would be quite some time before a straight answer would be offered, and realizing with unusual foresight that this answer would not be pleasing to her, Zelda decided to amuse herself as best she could by watching the two guards' heated Rock-Paper-Scissors contest. Taken aback by the sheer excitement of the match (which was now tied at eight apiece), she promptly fell asleep.
Some time later, after much hushed laughter and practical joking, the others woke Zelda up.
"Morning," Link grinned at her.
"Cheater!" yelled Guard One, who by a run of terrible luck was now down 27-10. No one but Guard Two paid this any mind, however.
"Link," Zelda began, her seventh sense screaming to her that something was wrong (the sixth one being devoted to the seeing of dead people), "what did you do?"
"Do?" Link asked in a manner that he meant to smack of innocence but instead did quite the opposite. "Whatever do you mean, Princess?"
Zelda warily approached the full-length vanity mirror that was conveniently located on one of the walls. Her apprehension was increased and justified by the fact that all those present, excluding the guards (30-15, Guard Two), were following her in such a way as to see what her reaction would be when she saw her reflection.
To her credit, Zelda took it rather well. First she screamed at the top of her lungs for thirty seconds straight. Then she began throwing anything that came to hand at anyone within her range of vision. When she ran out of ammunition she screamed again, and tore off to her room.
"Well," Link said, nursing the shoulder that moments before had been struck by a rather festive potted plant, "who says great things can't be achieved with red dye and a sharpie?"
Darunia grinned his agreement.
"Hey Link, what about the Sacred Realm?" Romani's words scattered the post-prank euphoria the group had been enjoying.
"Oh yeah!" Link whooped, and took off for the Temple of Time with the rest doing their level best to keep up.
This left Guard One and Guard Two alone in whichever particular room of the castle the happy crew had, until recently, occupied. Things were looking grim for Guard One, who was now losing 35-17.
Just as Guard Two was scoring his thirty-seventh point, Link entered the Temple of Time. The others, minus Zelda, arrived when Guard One triumphantly hit twenty. Link was already in conversation with what appeared to be the air at this point.
"But you said that you'd let me in once I got Zelda to go out with me!" he was protesting.
"Well," said the air, which was actually the Sacred Realm, "I discovered that I rather like the idea of setting you random and trivial tasks, and so I've developed quite a list. Once you've completed the entire list, I'll let you in."
Link swore quite loudly at some length.
"Kiss your mother with that mouth?" mocked the Sacred Realm.
"My mother is dead," Link replied quietly.
"Oh sure, that's what they all say, just to make you feel bad when you crack a yo momma joke."
"No, seriously. She's dead."
"Sure, sure. Is she aware of this?"
"You're sick. Just tell me what my next random and trivial task is."
"One sec…I have to check the list. Hmmmm…it seems a visit to the dentist is in order, Link!"
Link heaved a heavy sigh, noting that his last one had not been the sigh to end all sighs as he had imagined, in his naïveté. "Great," he muttered. "The dentist. Watch it turn out to be Ganon…"
An hour and a half later, Guard Two finally scored the fifty-first point of the terrible savagery that was the Rock-Paper-Scissors duel, much to the dismay of Guard One, who had rallied and tied the score at forty-nine before losing the next two rounds. By this time, however, they had completely forgotten the reason for which they had been battling and were friends again, which had been the whole idea in the first place.
-F I N-
So, what say you, fellow fan-fictioneers? Improvement? I certainly think so. Some chapters are going to be cut out altogether, as they just don't lend themselves well to this converted, self-insertion-less new face. Leave me a review, s'il vous plaït.
