i got inspired to try this kinda fic bc of ao3 author pansystan's slytherin group chat texts. go check them out if you're an hp fan; they're great!
[also, like pansystan's said, emojis don't work so i took to writing out which is used where, like they did]
03:22pm
[oliver] created group chat
[oliver] changed group chat name to [new group chat DONT MENTION IN OTHER. DONT TELL OTHERS]
[oliver] GUYS
[bree] excessive
[oliver] I CHEICJCJSI CANT BREATHE
SKYLAR AND KAZ
THEY
THEYRE TOTALLY DOING IT
[bree] wtf
[chase] finally?
[bree] wth do you mean by 'finally?'
[oliver] WAIT DID GOU FICKING KFNOW
[chase] i hate to break it to you but i haven't gotten a full night's sleep in
six months ?
and the one night i do it's bc the only two ppl in the house who snore aren't sleeping
as in
[bree] going at it
[chase] i mean.
[bree] screwing
hammering
hardcore fuck buddies
GETTIN IT UP
[chase] and you said oliver was excessive?
yes, they had intercourse
[oliver] WHY FIDNT HOI TELL EM THEY WARE HAVING SEX
WHAS NO ONE GONNA TELL ME SBOUR THIS
[bree] okay. you guys bitch about me being over dramatic and too sensitive but literally?
oliver the bed SQUEAKED like the enTIRE FUCKING NIGHT
ARE YOU DEAF
[chase] shit b did you stay up listening to them
[bree] yes it's my lifelong dream to hear my friends have sex
[oliver] THIS IS SERIOUS WHY IS NO ONE RAKINF THIS SEIROSULT
[bree] maybe if you spelled right
[chase] oliver this was three nights ago. why just tell us now?
[bree] omf wait r you not home
[chase] what
[oliver] i FUCKING KID GOU NOT THEYRE GOING AT IT AGAIN
AS IF THIS ISNT A NEW DEVELOPMENT WTF
SOMEONE STOP THIS PLEASE
[bree] maybe you should take this as a sign
[chase] NO IM NOT HOME ITS 3PM WHY ARE THEY DOING THIS EVERYONE IS AWAKE
[bree] that you need to move on w your life
and find a nice girl
to get in her pants
[chase] *loud sigh*
[oliver] i'm leaving the house, ngl
i'm going to the store
DEAR LORD DID THEY BREAK SOMETHING.
LIKE THE ENTIRE FUCKING HOUSE SHOOK
[bree] you think they need condoms?
or are they good?
[oliver] OH MY GOHS
[chase]nah better buy more. seems like they're going through them pretty fast
02:34am
[bree] to [zoom zoom buddy] you down for a movie tonight?
[skylar] to [breeze] actually i can't
i have plans
[bree] c'mon doing kaz won't take all night
...unless he will /blushing embarrassed face emoji
[skylar] excuse me?
[bree] just a two-hour movie
[skylar] wait what about kaz?
[bree] zac efron.
[skylar] BREE
[bree] i'm sorry, did you think you were being QUIET?
bc you're not
just rearrange your schedule to go to the movies w me
[skylar] hold up
[bree] if you want you can tell me about the sex while we're heading to/leaving the film
[skylar] we're
listen we're not
he's
this isn't
[bree] mhm.
[skylar] ...
ugh
fine. what time?
[bree] 7 /happy face with big smile emoji
[skylar] /face palm emoji
05:14pm
[kaz] to [le five spACIELL TEens] hey
so
is there a new group chat circulating around
[bree] what
[kaz] i just feel like this one is too dead
[skylar] yeah i see what you're saying
[chase] wellllll...
[bree] you probably 'see' what he's saying bc you're in bed next to him, amirite
[kaz] so new group chat i'm not in?
[skylar] or me?
[bree] just gonna ignore my accuracy i see
[oliver] why would there be another gc?
[chase] well...
[oliver] chase what are you even saying
[skylar] did you keep us out of a chat?
[bree] no we kept you guys and oliver out of a chat
[kaz] bree that's just called regular messaging
[oliver] wait you cut me out of the group chat?
[chase] to [unbreelievable /dancing lady emoji] you shouldn't have said that
[bree] to [smartass] yep shouldn't have said that
[oliver] to [le five spACIELL TEens] WHY WOULD YOU TAKE ME OUT
WE HUSF KICKED FHEM OUT
[skylar] excuse me?
[kaz] you fucking what
[bree] more like you fucking
[skylar] OKAY
STOP IT
[bree] to [smartass] shit
[skylar] to [le five spACIELL TEens] IM JUSR GONNA SAY THIS NOW
if anyone has a problem towards me or kaz or both of us just straight up say it
[oliver] i don't like you having sex
[chase] you're really loud
[bree] never even explicitly told me. i mean what are sisters FOR
if not to tell outrageously inappropriate rl sex stories to?
[kaz] none of this affects me
[oliver] then wHYD YOU ASK
[kaz] to be fair, i didn't.
she did
[chase] you're sleeping w her, shouldn't you listen a little bit
[skylar] i am so not okay w this conversation
[bree] IM NOT OKAY W YOU NOT TELLING ME
[chase] you are REALLY LOUD
[kaz] FINE BREE WE'RE HAVING SEX
THAT BETTER
[oliver] I THINK I WAS MORE COMFORTABLE WHEN WE WERE BEATING AROUND THE BUSH
[bree] ...thank you
[chase] oliver i don't feel comfortable w that wording anymore
[skylar] Oh my god
stop being a bunch of babies
[bree] then TELL ME NEXT TIME YOU HOOK UP W ONE OF OUR FRIENDS
[skylar]THERES NOT GONNA *BE* A NEXT TIME
[kaz] to [skye /100 emoji /smirky face emoji] holy
[chase] to [le five spACIELL TEens] WAIT WAIT
[bree] OMF WHAT
[oliver] ARE YOU DATING NOW
IS THIS ANOTHER NEW THING
[skylar] to [kaz /smiling devil emoji /fire emoji] you're literally right next to me
[kaz] id rather be on top of you
[bree] to [le five spACIELL TEens] WTF YOUR RELATIONSHIP'S SEX LIFE IS MORE ACTIVE THAN MY VIBRATOR
[chase] i. hate this
[oliver] bree, that's a bit too tmi
[bree] OH SO WE CAN TALK ABOUT THEM HAVING SEX BUT NOT ME MASTURBATING
LIKE THAT MAKES SENSE
[chase] bree
[kaz] lmao for a sec i thought this was the gc we accidentally added davenport to
[bree] I WOULD LITERALLY DIE
[chase] dear GOD no
[skylar] so
thoughts?
[chase] i mean it's a new development, but i'm fine with it
[bree] im good w it
[chase] as long as youre not SO LOUD
[oliver] if you HAVE to have sex, pls make it less obvious
[kaz] to [911; good for emer.] man i'm sorry. ik we're loud and stuff but i didn't wanna see your face when i told you
[oliver] to [best bud /fire emoji /peace sign emoj] i dont even think that's what this is about, it's just ODD, yk
to hear your best friend having sex w someone you kinda-not-really-like
[kaz] sorry
we'll definitely have time to work on that
[oliver] omf
[kaz] let me know if you wanna talk about it face to face
skylar says you can talk to her too, or all three of us if you want
[oliver] thanks for the offer but i think imma stay as far away from your sex life as i can
[skylar] to [le five spACIELL TEens] we're dating oliver, it's pretty obvious we'll be having sex
[bree] im so alone oh my god
[chase] calm down, you havent had a date in like three weeks
[bree] and no one's touched you for three years
[kaz] hoo boy
[oliver] i feel like thats a conversation for another time
yk
in the group chat you took me out of
[bree] someone's petty
[chase] yeah, and it's you
[bree] bITCH
[kaz] imma mute this for now
[bree] BITCH
ID MUTE YOUR SEX IF I COULD
GOD
06:47pm
[oliver] to [new group chat DONT MENTION IN OTHER. DONT TELL OTHERS] whoa are they actually not going at it til nighttime now?
[chase] oh that would be nice
[bree] im heading to the movies w s, so that's probably why
[chase] can you keep her out long enough for me to get a decent night's sleep
[bree] depends
can you keep a girlfriend for longer than a week
[oliver] this entire conversation has been disappointing
[chase] wtf why are you so salty
[oliver] am i
am i in another
[bree] bc youve been as dry as ive been and somehow im the only one annoyed w that
like fr
[chase] well i dont see an easy solution so
[bree] right. cuz there isnt an obvious one
[chase] what?
[oliver] oh no
[oliver] to [best bud /fire emoji /peace sign emoji] dude i think im in another sexual tension situation
but, like always, it has nothing to do w me
[kaz] bree and chase?
[oliver] YEAH
[kaz] figures
you better find a girl soon cuz this house is gonna be LOUD
[oliver] okay im done w this
[kaz] lmao
[bree] to [new group chat DONT MENTION IN OTHER. DONT TELL OTHERS] im just agreeing
no easy fix to these shitty dry spells
[chase] are you being passive aggressive?
[bree] no you're just being an idiot
movie's gonna start
cya
[chase] oliver do yk what that was about?
[oliver] left [new group chat DONT MENTION IN OTHER. DONT TELL OTHERS]
08:36pm
[donald] to [le five spACIELL TEens] Btw this IS the group chat you added me to.
[bree] i'm moving to switzerland.
[oliver] hi mr. davenport! /hand waving emoji
[donald] ...Hello Oliver
[skylar] i'm turning my phone off
goodnight
see you never
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