i got inspired to try this kinda fic bc of ao3 author pansystan's slytherin group chat texts. go check them out if you're an hp fan; they're great!
[also, like pansystan's said, emojis don't work so i took to writing out which is used where, like they did]


03:22pm

[oliver] created group chat

[oliver] changed group chat name to [new group chat DONT MENTION IN OTHER. DONT TELL OTHERS]

[oliver] GUYS

[bree] excessive

[oliver] I CHEICJCJSI CANT BREATHE

SKYLAR AND KAZ

THEY

THEYRE TOTALLY DOING IT

[bree] wtf

[chase] finally?

[bree] wth do you mean by 'finally?'

[oliver] WAIT DID GOU FICKING KFNOW

[chase] i hate to break it to you but i haven't gotten a full night's sleep in

six months ?

and the one night i do it's bc the only two ppl in the house who snore aren't sleeping

as in

[bree] going at it

[chase] i mean.

[bree] screwing

hammering

hardcore fuck buddies

GETTIN IT UP

[chase] and you said oliver was excessive?

yes, they had intercourse

[oliver] WHY FIDNT HOI TELL EM THEY WARE HAVING SEX

WHAS NO ONE GONNA TELL ME SBOUR THIS

[bree] okay. you guys bitch about me being over dramatic and too sensitive but literally?

oliver the bed SQUEAKED like the enTIRE FUCKING NIGHT

ARE YOU DEAF

[chase] shit b did you stay up listening to them

[bree] yes it's my lifelong dream to hear my friends have sex

[oliver] THIS IS SERIOUS WHY IS NO ONE RAKINF THIS SEIROSULT

[bree] maybe if you spelled right

[chase] oliver this was three nights ago. why just tell us now?

[bree] omf wait r you not home

[chase] what

[oliver] i FUCKING KID GOU NOT THEYRE GOING AT IT AGAIN

AS IF THIS ISNT A NEW DEVELOPMENT WTF

SOMEONE STOP THIS PLEASE

[bree] maybe you should take this as a sign

[chase] NO IM NOT HOME ITS 3PM WHY ARE THEY DOING THIS EVERYONE IS AWAKE

[bree] that you need to move on w your life

and find a nice girl

to get in her pants

[chase] *loud sigh*

[oliver] i'm leaving the house, ngl

i'm going to the store

DEAR LORD DID THEY BREAK SOMETHING.

LIKE THE ENTIRE FUCKING HOUSE SHOOK

[bree] you think they need condoms?

or are they good?

[oliver] OH MY GOHS

[chase]nah better buy more. seems like they're going through them pretty fast


02:34am

[bree] to [zoom zoom buddy] you down for a movie tonight?

[skylar] to [breeze] actually i can't

i have plans

[bree] c'mon doing kaz won't take all night

...unless he will /blushing embarrassed face emoji

[skylar] excuse me?

[bree] just a two-hour movie

[skylar] wait what about kaz?

[bree] zac efron.

[skylar] BREE

[bree] i'm sorry, did you think you were being QUIET?

bc you're not

just rearrange your schedule to go to the movies w me

[skylar] hold up

[bree] if you want you can tell me about the sex while we're heading to/leaving the film

[skylar] we're

listen we're not

he's

this isn't

[bree] mhm.

[skylar] ...

ugh

fine. what time?

[bree] 7 /happy face with big smile emoji

[skylar] /face palm emoji


05:14pm

[kaz] to [le five spACIELL TEens] hey

so

is there a new group chat circulating around

[bree] what

[kaz] i just feel like this one is too dead

[skylar] yeah i see what you're saying

[chase] wellllll...

[bree] you probably 'see' what he's saying bc you're in bed next to him, amirite

[kaz] so new group chat i'm not in?

[skylar] or me?

[bree] just gonna ignore my accuracy i see

[oliver] why would there be another gc?

[chase] well...

[oliver] chase what are you even saying

[skylar] did you keep us out of a chat?

[bree] no we kept you guys and oliver out of a chat

[kaz] bree that's just called regular messaging

[oliver] wait you cut me out of the group chat?


[chase] to [unbreelievable /dancing lady emoji] you shouldn't have said that

[bree] to [smartass] yep shouldn't have said that


[oliver] to [le five spACIELL TEens] WHY WOULD YOU TAKE ME OUT

WE HUSF KICKED FHEM OUT

[skylar] excuse me?

[kaz] you fucking what

[bree] more like you fucking

[skylar] OKAY

STOP IT


[bree] to [smartass] shit


[skylar] to [le five spACIELL TEens] IM JUSR GONNA SAY THIS NOW

if anyone has a problem towards me or kaz or both of us just straight up say it

[oliver] i don't like you having sex

[chase] you're really loud

[bree] never even explicitly told me. i mean what are sisters FOR

if not to tell outrageously inappropriate rl sex stories to?

[kaz] none of this affects me

[oliver] then wHYD YOU ASK

[kaz] to be fair, i didn't.

she did

[chase] you're sleeping w her, shouldn't you listen a little bit

[skylar] i am so not okay w this conversation

[bree] IM NOT OKAY W YOU NOT TELLING ME

[chase] you are REALLY LOUD

[kaz] FINE BREE WE'RE HAVING SEX

THAT BETTER

[oliver] I THINK I WAS MORE COMFORTABLE WHEN WE WERE BEATING AROUND THE BUSH

[bree] ...thank you

[chase] oliver i don't feel comfortable w that wording anymore

[skylar] Oh my god

stop being a bunch of babies

[bree] then TELL ME NEXT TIME YOU HOOK UP W ONE OF OUR FRIENDS

[skylar]THERES NOT GONNA *BE* A NEXT TIME


[kaz] to [skye /100 emoji /smirky face emoji] holy


[chase] to [le five spACIELL TEens] WAIT WAIT

[bree] OMF WHAT

[oliver] ARE YOU DATING NOW

IS THIS ANOTHER NEW THING


[skylar] to [kaz /smiling devil emoji /fire emoji] you're literally right next to me

[kaz] id rather be on top of you


[bree] to [le five spACIELL TEens] WTF YOUR RELATIONSHIP'S SEX LIFE IS MORE ACTIVE THAN MY VIBRATOR

[chase] i. hate this

[oliver] bree, that's a bit too tmi

[bree] OH SO WE CAN TALK ABOUT THEM HAVING SEX BUT NOT ME MASTURBATING

LIKE THAT MAKES SENSE

[chase] bree

[kaz] lmao for a sec i thought this was the gc we accidentally added davenport to

[bree] I WOULD LITERALLY DIE

[chase] dear GOD no

[skylar] so

thoughts?

[chase] i mean it's a new development, but i'm fine with it

[bree] im good w it

[chase] as long as youre not SO LOUD

[oliver] if you HAVE to have sex, pls make it less obvious


[kaz] to [911; good for emer.] man i'm sorry. ik we're loud and stuff but i didn't wanna see your face when i told you

[oliver] to [best bud /fire emoji /peace sign emoj] i dont even think that's what this is about, it's just ODD, yk

to hear your best friend having sex w someone you kinda-not-really-like

[kaz] sorry

we'll definitely have time to work on that

[oliver] omf

[kaz] let me know if you wanna talk about it face to face

skylar says you can talk to her too, or all three of us if you want

[oliver] thanks for the offer but i think imma stay as far away from your sex life as i can


[skylar] to [le five spACIELL TEens] we're dating oliver, it's pretty obvious we'll be having sex

[bree] im so alone oh my god

[chase] calm down, you havent had a date in like three weeks

[bree] and no one's touched you for three years

[kaz] hoo boy

[oliver] i feel like thats a conversation for another time

yk

in the group chat you took me out of

[bree] someone's petty

[chase] yeah, and it's you

[bree] bITCH

[kaz] imma mute this for now

[bree] BITCH

ID MUTE YOUR SEX IF I COULD

GOD


06:47pm

[oliver] to [new group chat DONT MENTION IN OTHER. DONT TELL OTHERS] whoa are they actually not going at it til nighttime now?

[chase] oh that would be nice

[bree] im heading to the movies w s, so that's probably why

[chase] can you keep her out long enough for me to get a decent night's sleep

[bree] depends

can you keep a girlfriend for longer than a week

[oliver] this entire conversation has been disappointing

[chase] wtf why are you so salty

[oliver] am i

am i in another

[bree] bc youve been as dry as ive been and somehow im the only one annoyed w that

like fr

[chase] well i dont see an easy solution so

[bree] right. cuz there isnt an obvious one

[chase] what?

[oliver] oh no


[oliver] to [best bud /fire emoji /peace sign emoji] dude i think im in another sexual tension situation

but, like always, it has nothing to do w me

[kaz] bree and chase?

[oliver] YEAH

[kaz] figures

you better find a girl soon cuz this house is gonna be LOUD

[oliver] okay im done w this

[kaz] lmao


[bree] to [new group chat DONT MENTION IN OTHER. DONT TELL OTHERS] im just agreeing

no easy fix to these shitty dry spells

[chase] are you being passive aggressive?

[bree] no you're just being an idiot

movie's gonna start

cya

[chase] oliver do yk what that was about?

[oliver] left [new group chat DONT MENTION IN OTHER. DONT TELL OTHERS]


08:36pm

[donald] to [le five spACIELL TEens] Btw this IS the group chat you added me to.

[bree] i'm moving to switzerland.

[oliver] hi mr. davenport! /hand waving emoji

[donald] ...Hello Oliver

[skylar] i'm turning my phone off

goodnight

see you never


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