Hey everyone! I'm going to try for a multi chapter fanfic this time. This fic takes place in an AU where Zack lived and after Advent Children, he and Cloud decided to rebuild the SOLDIER army.
FF7: Random Bits 02
Chapter 1
[Setting: Zack and Cloud are out in the field, terrorizing,..er, training the new cadets.]
[Location: Training field, early morning. The new cadets are learning all about marching columns.]
"You call that a marching column?!" Zack snapped at the cadets lined up in front of him.
"Look at this, Cloud!" he continued in exaggerated disgust.
"They think that raggedy mess is a proper line!"
"I've seen circles with straighter lines." Cloud agreed quietly.
"You hear that?" Zack shouted at the trembling cadets
"General Strife has seen circles, circles, with straighter lines!"
"Your granny's back is straighter,"
"My granny's back is straighter, and she has scoliosis!"
A snort of amusement emanated from the group of new cadets, fluttering skyward like a bird breaking cover. The entire platoon, as one man, tensed up like a cable under strain.
Zack's glowing eyes pinned the offender with a sharp, disapproving gaze. The young man was suddenly treated to an unwanted close up of Zack's face. The term 'high definition' took on a whole new meaning.
"Did you just laugh at my granny, cadet?" Zack growled, the sound resonating all the way down the chain of evolution to terrorize the cadet's vestigial inner prey animal.
"S-s-sir, No Sir!" the cadet shouted desperately from his unwanted 4k view of his life going down the toilet. Tickets to the show must have been sold out because the rest of the platoon had somehow managed to take ten steps away from him without doing anything as offensive as actually moving.
"It sounds like he thinks your granny's back problems are funny." Cloud said.
"You think my granny's crooked back is funny?"
"Sir, NO SIR!"
"I should certainly hope not! She ruined her back spending years doing back-breaking work,"
"Hoeing," Cloud interjected.
"Hoeing every day!" Zack continued without missing a beat.
"Something wrong with hoeing, cadet?" Zack bellowed a mere hair's breadth from the young man's face as he tried and failed to hide a smile that was slowly crawling across his mouth like a sine wave.
"I don't think he likes hoes," Cloud remarked in that off-handed tone.
"You got something against hoes?" Zack demanded. "Do you know how many businesses would be shut down without hoes?"
"People would starve,"
"People would starve, cadet. Starve!" Zack shouted. "Have you ever tried to garden without a hoe? My granny can't grow vegetables without a hoe! You want her out there, with her crooked back, pulling weeds by hand so you can have fresh vegetables?"
"He's grinning like he needs more vegetables in his diet..." Cloud pointed out.
"Is that why you're grinning like that, cadet? Your guts have a hostage situation going on?"
The cadet's face went red under the strain as the laughter built up to critical levels and he desperately tried to keep the lid on it. The tendons on his neck stuck out like cords, as his lips peeled slowly back from his teeth. Tears began streaming from his eyes.
"That's one heck of a bathroom war face."
"That's what happens when you don't like hoes," Zack continued mercilessly, "You can't grow vegetables, so you can't eat vegetables, so you get the dry butt-brownies! It's just wrong!"
"Irregular."
Zack turned away, deciding that the young man had suffered enough. The poor kid was still just a cadet after all. He made a low woof sound and one his large mako-wolves appeared. Sparkling a faint blue around the edges, the wolf bellied up to its pack leader, waiting for his command.
The ability to summon a whole pack of the creatures was one of Zack's special abilities. It turned out that SOLDIERs could continue to evolve, and most gained a variety of unique personal abilities, along with the ability to take on an alternate animal form after gaining their wings and reaching the rank of 1st Class ELITE.
Zack looked down at the fawning wolf and said "Bring me a hoe!"
The wolf poofed away, and reappeared seconds later with a garden hoe. Zack took it, and dismissed the wolf with a pat on the head and a "good boy!"
He turned to the trembling cadet and said "This is your hoe. You will carry it with you at all times. If an officer asks you why you are carrying it, you will respond with
'This is my hoe! I love hoes, sir'!"
"And hug it,"
"And you will hug that hoe, cadet! Is that clear?"
"Sir, yes sir!" the cadet replied in a carefully measured tone even though he was screaming internally.
"Now line up!" Zack ordered. The cadets snapped into a much better version of a tidy marching column. Good job, boys! he thought proudly, while maintaining the outward expression suggesting that the cadets had just barely avoided the grade of U for Unsatisfactory.
Zack stepped aside and relinquished command to Cloud with a flashy salute. It was his turn to observe and take notes on performance.
"Cadets, forward march!" Cloud moved the cadets forward and started the marching cadence.
"I'm a Barbie girl,"
"In a Barbie world!"
Zack relaxed into a comfortable slouch, recording the drill on one of their fancy new camcorders. All of their drills, exercises and activities were recorded strictly for evaluation purposes to determine what methods and techniques would work best for each group (and in some cases, individuals), and what parts of the program needed adjusting. It was definitely NOT so Zack and Cloud could watch them later in their quarters while eating snacks and laughing.
Zack caught movement out of the corner of his eye and he left the camera on its tri-pod, setting it to follow the tracker on Cloud's armband. Memory sidled up and went pssst! as it passed him a mental note. Oh, yeah, Him. Zack thought with a mischievous grin. The Inspector had arrived, and he already looked unhappy.
Hope you enjoyed chapter 1! Have a complimentary garden hoe!
