Howdy y'all! How you guys doin, eh? Anywho, as you should know, this be a Harry Potter fic, which, by all means, defies the rules of all Harry Potterness. Not that this matters, cuz all them damn romance fic writers do the same thing, so you can't condemn us, ya horny peoples! Sorry, gotta friend who's this Hermione/Harry groupie, and it pisses the shit out of me. Nows then, just because we gotta do this here diclaimin thingie, cuz if we don't, God will smite us and destroy our new tractor. So, yeah, we don't own anything. There you goes, ya happy now? ARE YOU?!! Oh, and to address the whole 'we' thing... yeah, this is a co work between the great god Miagi, and vice god Hoochieman, the founders of Mr. Miagi's Banana Factory, and the religion Miagiism. Yes, we've got our own religion, and, other than ourselves, have 5 members! Whoa yeah! It tooks ourselves many many weeks to round up them worshippers, which don't make sense cuz, I mean, who wouldn't want to worship us?! Sure, we're a bit tyrannical, will only let you have one minute of free time a week (use this wisely to eat, sleep, pee, or play Playstation), and we force everyone to give us gifts, like cars, bunches of money, a new yacht, and little things of the sort, but still! Yous get to feel the enlightening stuff that we offer, the gift of giving to a greater cause!... Nows that I thinks of it, none o dem members have actually given us anythin yet... whatever. Mm, forgot to mentions, yes, the two of us comes from hic town, which is probably is the most biggest inspiration for this here thinger majig. So then, movin on to the fic (considerin nobody reads this here part anyway). Oh, and I'lls try to use them fancy proper English lingo through the thing cuz I ain't sure any of you's be to thrilled if I wrote the way we normally talk. Yes, we know we are great and wonderful. It's about time you knew too.
Harry woke up to the sound of an alarm clock one fine morning. He got up and looked around the mobile trailer he now lived in, searching for his glasses. Once he had found them, he got up and went to the mini fridge in the other room, which didn't exactly work anymore, but was good for storing potato chips and stuff. Sadly, he hadn't had the time to pick up anything to eat, so he was dissappointed to see he had nothing there. He wondered why in hell he ever took Malfoy up on the offer he was given. His mind then traveled back to that day, not really because he needs to, but just to point out to you readers what the hell's goin' on, even though if you read the summary, you probably have a good idea, but we'll just ignore that and do this for the people who don't read the summary and think, "Oh, a link. Must press mouse button."
*flashback*
Harry sat at the Hogwarts' Gryffindor table with Ron and Hermione, talking about Voldemort and how he must die, how Snape's a bitch, and about Quidditch like they seem to do in every conversation, when an owl swooped down and delivered Harry a letter. Harry, not knowing who it was from (he ain't psychic, ya know), looked at the return address.
"Noway!" he exclaimed, "I got a letter from the Dursleys!" His two friends looked all astonished at the fact he would receive a letter from his caretakers, kind of forgetting to wonder why the hell they would send it by owl, which makes things easier for me because I don't want to explain (yes, love them loopholes).
Anyway, Harry read the letter, his facial expression changing from quizzical to pissed. He then crumpled it up and threw it down. "Ah shit!"
"What's wrong Harry?" Hermione asked him. Harry shook his head and sighed.
"The Durleys kicked me out so they can use my room for some baby Dudley had with some chick from a one night stand."
Ron looked at him in shock. "Your cousin was actually able to get some?! That's so not fair!"
"It seems your cousin has a good idea. Maybe we should carry on in his footsteps," Hermione said while looking at Harry dreamily. Harry, though, had other things in mind, and popping out a baby wasn't one of them.
"Damn, now where am I gonna live?" Harry leaned back in his chair in ponderment (I made a new word), thinking of what he was going to do. It was around that time that he heard the familiar voice of Draco Malfoy behind him which he loathed oh so much, or possibly had a secret love for if you're a Draco/Harry fan (I'm giving you the choice, so pick one), so he turned around quickly to see why the Slytherin had come all the way over to the Gryffindor table.
Now, the first reason Draco had decided to go over there was because he was going to be busy with other things that day, so this was the only time he could squeeze in his daily 'piss off Potter' routine. Of course, once he had arrived, he overheard Harry's new situation in life, so he now had a new plan in mind.
"So we're homeless now, eh Potter?" Malfoy smiled happily to himself. "You know, I might have a solution for you?"
"What do you want Malfoy?" Harry asked coldly, not really wanting to admit he was now officially a homeless bum.
"You see, I might actually let you work at my mansion... IF you do something for me in return."
"Hey!" Ron verbally intruded, "Harry's can come live with me, so he doesn't have to do anything for you!"
"That's right," Harry pitched in.
Malfoy smiled evilly as he always does. "Yes, but Potter, the only problem with that is the Weasley's don't have enough money to feed you."
"What you talkin about? I can just take Percy's place, so it works!"
Ron found a quick new interest in his shoes. "Erm... Harry, I kind of just remembered. My dad's pay has been cut to go toward the 'Buy Fudge a Mansion in Tahiti' fund, so we're kind of... um... poorer than before by a lot."
"So you see, Potter," Malfoy continued, 'This is pretty much your only option."
"No!" Hermione squealed, "Harry, come live with me!"
The thought of living with Hermione popped into Harry's head. Him running away with Hermione chasing in whore garb and a whip. He shook the thought from his mind.
"Okay Malfoy, what do you want me to do?"
Malfoy face became a tad more malicious while Hermione plopped down looking pissed after the verbal bitch slap.
"I'm glad you've made the right choice Potter. I'll let you live in our trailer across from the mansion if you'll mow the lawn daily, and act like our French maid, uniform and all." A smirk played across Malfoy's face as he imagined the possibilities.
Now, normally the answer would have been 'hell no,' but considering he needed a place to go and if he didn't accept, the plot in this fic would go nowhere, Harry decided to suck up his pride.
"Fine."
Ron, Hermione, and Draco all looked at him in astonishment. Not even Malfoy thought he would go along with him. Suddenly the world had become an amazingly awesome place.
*end flashback*
Harry had now lived in that trailer for a whole day, and it already sucked like hell. The day before, he had been introduced to the lawn he had to mow, which spanned for miles. It was pretty bad, having to walk for hours with a non electric mower while in a poofy maid's skirt. And he was quite mad because he had already acquired a rip in his stockings. As he was getting ready to go get changed into the dreaded uniform, there was a knock at the trailer door. It was around then that Harry wondered why the Malfoys had a trailer in the first place. Not that it really mattered. Harry then went to open the door to find none other than Ron.
"Hi Harry," Ron said not too happily. His head hung sadly as he was ushered into Harry's... 'house.'
"What's wrong, and, more importantly, why are you here Ron?" Harry asked as he sat down on the floor, seeing as he didn't have any furniture as of yet.
Ron sighed. "My parents were getting low on money, so they got the bright idea of selling me for a couple Knuts so they could get a cup of coffee."
"Oh, so you're going to be living here too, huh?"
"Yep."
"Sucks for you." Harry leaned back, and fogetting there was nothing to support his back, fell over like an idiot. Ron just shook his head.
"So what do I have to do here anyway?"
"Mow the lawn."
"What lawn?"
"You know that large green thing that stretches out as far as the eye can see? That's the lawn."
"HOLY CRAP!!"
"Well, have fun. I gotta get changed and report to the house."
He got changed into the maid uniform, which made Ron laugh until he found out he'd have to wear the same thing, except his apron would be pink, not white. Harry then left for the mansion, which was a good ten mile walk, so about five hours later, two of which had been spent trying to dodge the security mechanisms that had been set up and he kept on accidentally tripping, and knocked on the door. He was greeted in by a house elf, and told that the master would be with him shortly.
And so Harry waited, looking at all the weirdo things lined up inside the house. Unlike the Black house which is described in book five (if you have not read book five, too bad) with all of the freaky heads on the walls, blood in vases, and the like, this house was much more... erotic. Oh, and no, for the people who didn't read book five, we still don't know what the Malfoy place looks like. I'm just describing how it SHOULD look (personal opinion).
The carpet was leopard print and the walls zebra striped with pictures of the baywatch (female) cast hanging on the wall on one end of the room. Harry thought this very odd as he had never seen pretty women. (In England, they are somewhat hard to find) Besides that though, why would they have such a picture hanging in their front hall. On another wall was a large mural, painted in bright colors of naked men playing leap frog. Harry noticed that all of them seemed to be white haired. Those men must have been Malfoys...but why were they naked...and playing leap frog? Off to his right, Harry noticed a slightly open door. Being the maid, he was going to have to know his way around anyway.
Inside the room were more pictures of leap frog and wrestling(all naked of course...grrrr). Harry looked around and saw a very unique writing desk. The top of the desk was padded and there seemed to be a few stains on it....probably from coffee spills. Above the desk on the ceiling was a mirror. Harry supposed this was for when Mr. Malfoy wanted to check his appearance but didn't want anyone to see him pull out a mirror....right? The desk legs were very arfully done with well endowed men holding up the desk with outstretched arms. Harry didn't know how comfortable he was going to feel dusting them. Looking around, he saw a matching cabinet to the side. He opened it out of curiosity and found a strange object. It was long and hard and shaped like a rocket or a mushroom or something like that, Harry wasn't too sure. He held it up and started trying to figure out what it was by feeling it and smelling it. It did seem to give off a peculiar odor but Harry could not quite register what it was. So, after some thought, Harry put down the smelly sculpture and turned around to find Draco standing there.
"Have you been...entertaining yourself Potter?" A cruel smile spread across Malfoy's face.
"You wanted me to come to the house today, right? So what do you want?" Harry glared at Malfoy, pulling down his poofy skirt which was beginning to ride upward.
"Simple. While you live here, you are to act as if you are my boyfriend."
"WHAT?!"
"Look, I have my reasons, so do try to make the best of it. Besides a must say I make much prettier company than the Granger girl."
"I don't have to comment on that so just shut up!" Harry began to get angrier, not wanting to admit that Malfoy was damn sexy, and he was quite jealous. *alternate sentence for Draco/Harry fans* -shut up!" Harry began to blush, not wanting to admit his secret longing for the ever sexy Malfoy boy.*end alternate sentence*
"Well then, now that you have been prompted, I will take you to meet my father, whom you are to act around as if I was your god whom you love deeply. Understand?"
"Er... you want me to go in a maid's outfit?"
"Believe me, I doubt that he'll care."
Draco led him through the halls and to the library where they were to meet the king pin of the Malfoy family, Lucius Malfoy.
Harry couldn't help wondering what the hell was going on. Maybe starving to death at the Weasleys' house would have been a happier option. It wasn't like he had been fed at this place yet anyway.
They walked inside the library, which was filled with furniture and pictures that much resembled the ones in the previous rooms. In the middle of the room, someone sat in a large cushy chair, the back of which was facing them. The person sitting in the chair stood up and looked at Draco and Harry.
"Heellllloooo my dears!" Yes, it was Lucius Malfoy, but in a way Harry wouldn't have ever wanted to see him. He wore a tiger striped feather hat with peacock plooms; a thick, long, furry, pink coat; a lime green neck tie with bright purple stripes; and an elegantly styled, horridly lemon yellow evening dress with bright orange poke dots. Such a site was quite an eyesore, and Harry was practically positive he had never seen an outfit that clashed so badly.
"Hey daddy," Draco said happily, "I'd like you to meet my new boyfriend Harry."
