'Ahh' I sigh as I flop down on the bed, exhausted. This stupid trial is just really dragging out! Don't get me wrong usually I love my job. Somehow I get a buzz out of it but today ugh. Everything's getting on top of me. I just want to sleep! Maureen phoned, right in the middle of my lunch break today, my lunch break I spent doing paperwork again. She didn't sound right. She thinks I don't know but I do, I can tell when she's upset but she tries to hide it even from me.
The conversation went something like this:
'Hello?'
'Hi, Joanne.'
'Oh hey baby! How are you?'
'Erm..fine. Just calling to say I'm going to be out when you get home. I'll fill you in later.'
'Oh okay honeybear. I love you baby.'
'Yeah me too, bye.'
She didn't say 'I love you'. That definitely means something is wrong. I rub my temples, closing my eyes. Okay what could be wrong? Maybe it was that argument we had the other day? That stupid, stupid argument. All she did was tell me how she felt! And then I lost it with her! She's been through enough she didn't need that too. I guess for a moment it all just became too much, just everything.
It's hard being in a relationship with Maureen Johnson. She's beautiful, she's perfect in every way, she just hates herself. Sometimes I watch her when she's asleep which to be honest isn't often, she doesn't sleep much. I can't help but wonder how she's my girlfriend. She's mine, my girlfriend not Marks, not some slutty woman's from a club, mine. Yet somehow she's not. She's distant from me sometimes, it's like she's there in physical form but she's not really there. It's hard for her to talk about how she's feeling yet she can't even begin to talk to anyone else but me. She hates everything but her eyes, her gorgeous eyes, but I love everything about her. How can I love her when she doesn't love herself?
I open my eyes and drag myself off the bed, hoping to find some distraction to stop me thinking about everything, to stop the worrying thoughts going round and round my head. I go to the bathroom and splash some cold water on my face. I let the coolness wash over me and I feel my body relax slightly. I stand up and pat my face dry with the towel on the rail and then I notice that the cabinet door is slightly open. I'm a little OCD what can I say? So I open the door and take a look to see if everything's just how I left it. God I'm so uptight sometimes.
It all looks normal at first but I have well trained eyes. The packet of razors is open, just as it was this morning when I took one out to shave my legs, but something's not right. I empty out the last 3 razors in the packet and then I spot it. On one of the blades there is a tiny spot of blood. I freeze as I hear the door to the apartment open and close. Maureen's footsteps get closer to the bathroom and then... 'I'm sorry.'
I don't move. I can't. I can't expect Maureen to be sorry for what she's done. I'm a hypocrite. My mind wanders back to last week and my hand finds my hip under my top and the bandages. No I can't expect her to stop when I can't. I vowed I would never scare her again like that but I know deep down that it will happen again. On the outside I'm normal, I'm Joanne Jefferson the lawyer, strong willed, rational and maybe a little too organised for everyone's liking but inside I'm screaming for help. My mind focuses back to the present. I'm still holding the razor and Maureen is standing behind me in silence. Without even looking around I know she's holding back tears. Truth be told I like it when she cries. It sounds weird but I'd rather she cried than hurt herself or shouted or completely shut down on me but she doesn't like it. She hates it.
I turn around.
'I'm sorry,' she whispers again.
I don't say a word. I set the razor down on the edge of the sink and pull my beautiful girlfriend into a hug. I never want to let her go. I realise how much I love her. She is the most amazing thing that has ever and will ever happen to me and I wish I could let her see that. For that moment I don't care about the cutting, or the fighting or the eating or the mask she wears I only care about the love I have for her. My Maureen.
Maureen pushes away from me after a couple of minutes. I see the confusion on her face.
'Why aren't you angry with me?' She asks.
That's simple.
'Because I love you.'
I give her a warm smile tilting my head to the side slightly. She turns away from me.
'Honeybear talk to me please.'
I place my hand on her shoulder but she shrugs it off.
'Baby I can't read your mind. I'm not angry I just want to know what happened.'
'What do you think happened?!'
I can tell she's going to cry, that's why she's not facing me.
'Baby I'd rather you told me than I just assumed I know.'
'I..I can't..' She whispers.
'Come on Honeybear. I'll put on the kettle and let you get your thoughts sorted for a minute.'
My hand slides down her arm to her hand. I don't look at her face, I know she will get upset if I see her crying again so I hold her soft hand in mine and lead her out of the bathroom to the couch then proceed to the kitchen to make coffee. I return to the couch with two steaming mugs in my hands. Maureen's sat on the edge staring straight ahead, her beautiful eyes unblinking.
'Honeybear?'
She shakes her head a little and takes the mug out of my hand.
'Thanks' she mutters
. I carefully sit down next to her and turn myself so I'm facing her and then I wait.
'Umm well..' She begins, 'I got upset.'
Maureen's finger circles the top of her mug and her eyes follow.
' The other night..when we argued and you left -'
I knew this was down to me.
'I didn't actually do anything then. I felt like I needed to stay calm in case you came home. But..'
'Go on baby.' I urge.
'But today I woke up and you'd already gone then I guess it all just hit me, I thought you might still be angry with me and then everything sort of spiralled and well...I cut.'
Maureen falls silent still looking at her coffee. I set my mug on the table and pull my legs up onto the couch.
'Baby do you blame yourself for me walking out?' I ask.
Slowly she nods her head.
'Maureen, baby, it was not your fault! I was stressed because of this stupid case at work and I took it out on you. I shouldn't have but I did and that wasn't fair on you but it was not your fault.'
Tears slowly slide down Maureen's rosy cheeks. She quickly wipes them away, refusing to look at me.
'Honeybear please look at me?'
After a few seconds she slowly turns her gaze to my face, her eyes wet from her silent tears. I cup her face in my hands and look at her right in the eye.
'Maureen I should never have upset you like that so I am sorry but baby I need you to talk to me if it happens again instead of hurting yourself. You are my girlfriend and I care about you despite what you may think. You are funny and kind and beautiful and perfect. And I love you more than anything in the whole world.'
And then she smiles.
I wake up the next morning aching from my night on the sofa. Maureen lies almost on top of me with her arm flung across my waist and her head resting on my chest. I stroke her beautiful hair while she sleeps. My heart flutters. I love these moments, I live for them. Just us two. Those moments where I get to see the real Maureen, the Maureen only I get to see. Sure there are times when I want to strangle her for leaving her clothes and six inch heels lying everywhere and times where I think it's the end but those times are what make us Maureen and Joanne. She is so loving and so gentle with me. I love it when she smiles. Her eyes light up. Her whole expression changes. She is happy for that moment and seeing her like that makes me happy. I want to make her happy. I want to give her everything I can and support her and protect her. She makes me feel like there's nothing else in the world that matters but us. I sometimes wonder what would have happened if I had never met Maureen. Would I still be a lawyer? Would I be happy? The answer is no I wouldn't be happy. There would be no me without her. Maureen is my life now and without her I have nothing. I love her with everything I have. These are the thoughts that run through my head as I close my eyes again and drift off to sleep.
