The Collinses

A/N This is my very first fanfic. I'm sorry if the Austen-esque language sounds a tad forced – it's been a while since I last read Pride and Prejudice. I hope I do it justice. Reviews are welcome. ^^ Enjoy.

Disclaimer: Of course I do not own Pride and Prejudice or any of the characters in said book. I could never have come up with Mr. Collins on my own. But I do own this fanfic.

Chapter 1 – Unexpected News

"My dear Charlotte, I do believe it is that time of day."

"Whatever do you mean Mr. Collins?" his dear Charlotte replied. In actuality, Mrs. Collins was aware of the exact time of day. She was constantly reminded, each day at five o'clock sharp that the esteemed Lady Catherine de Burgh would be sending her man out to invite them to dine.

"Indeed how can you be so dull wife? It is – Lady Catherine – her esteemed ladyship. If she could but see you now. I dearly pray our child does not take up your brains."

Charlotte took a deep breath and rubbed her stomach absentmindedly. She had chosen this life and was comfortably situated. Yes quite content. Perfectly, in fact. With new found peace of mind, Charlotte smiled.

"Pray tell what her ladyship says."

"Tell what might I ask? Again I pray the Lord does not bestow your brains upon our child. Her man has not yet arrived. He must be running late…dreadful storm yesterday…terrible roads… But now that you mention it Charlotte, I forgot to mention what her ladyship remarked about the storm the other day…quite ingenious…"

No further invitation was needed. Mr. Collins recounted the ladyships' whole week for his Charlotte, though undoubtedly, Charlotte thought, she would be subject to hearing it again when they dined at Rosings Sunday.

When the letter arrived, Mr. Collins intercepted it. He had been waiting for the man at the door – holding the door open in fact. Mr. Collins was in a fuss about the letter, so Charlotte stayed put. Best leave him to his antics for now, she sighed.

Mrs. Collins watched her husband tear at the envelope – rather violently, she thought. She glanced up at the tall grandfather clock in their hallway – a gift from Lady Catherine herself. It read five o'four. Mrs. Collins sighed again. Mr. Collins was undoubtedly worried something was the matter. He always praised the ladyship with punctuality, among countless other things…

Meanwhile Mr. Collins was still having troubles opening the note.

"Blasted envelope," he muttered.

Mrs. Collins was in shock. Her husband hardly ever swore. 'The devil's tongue' he called it. She glanced at the clock a second time. It read five o'six. Mrs. Collins knew her husband must be getting rather frantic by now. Sure enough she spotted some drops of sweat sliding down his long crooked nose and dripping onto the envelope with a splat. Charlotte sighed yet again. Mr. Collins was in quite a frenzy. She thought it best to intervene.

"Mr. Collins?" said his wife.

Mr. Collins grunted in response, still fiddling with the seal on the letter.

"Might I suggest we use the novelty letter opener my father sent me last Michaelmas?"

Another grunt was the reply. And so Mrs. Collins hurried off to the study, fetching the letter opener. When she returned, Mr. Collins had made absolutely no headway.

"Give it here dear," Mrs. Collins said in her maternal tone. Mr. Collins handed the letter over in defeat. In a nice, swift movement Mrs. Collins opened the letter.

"Genius wife, genius! Maybe it will not be quite so bad if one of our children inherits your brains. Wait 'til Lady Catherine hears! Or on second thought…" Mr. Collins trailed off. Undoubtedly he wished to hide his letter escapade from Lady Catherine, his wife noted.

As soon as Charlotte opened the letter, Mr. Collins snatched it right out of her hands, giving her a slight cut in his haste. She flinched.

Mr. Collins had his full attention on the letter from her ladyship, so it passed unnoticed. He read through it quickly a first time, and then a second. The former was to pick up the gist of the contents, the latter to admire her ladyship's hand. It was another thing he constantly praised. After many "hmm's" and "ah her ladyship's" Mr. Collins pocketed the letter.

"Quite civil, really quite civil I say. Yes her ladyship is always so very civil."

"What is it Mr. Collins?"

"Wife – her ladyship – so civil…" Mr. Collins was at a loss of words. "Listen to her civilness: 'I am sorry to inform' –"

Charlotte made a feeble attempt to prevent him from reading the whole of the letter aloud. "Mr. Collins, why don't I –"

"'you that –'"

"just read it myself as to –"

"'I am unable to invite you to dine on account of my nephew Mr. Darcy joining me Sunday for a fortnight with his newlywed.'" He looked up.

Mr. Collins had his wife's attention. "Yes go on," she bade him.

"Why that is all her ladyship sends." He took a slight pause. "Such a civil note. Don't you agree my Charlotte?"

His Charlotte was in a shock. Not only had they just made fools of themselves tearing open a letter for the past half hour, but dear Elizabeth was coming to Rosings! Elizabeth – at Rosings – with Mr. Darcy! Charlotte smiled fully for the first time that day. Elizabeth was sure to liven things up.

"Yes, Mr. Collins, quite civil indeed."

A/N …so… what do you think? Should I continue it? Please read and rep, your critics are most welcome.