This is what happens when I write things at 2 AM in the morning and half asleep. I don't own anything. Enjoy the childish crack filled humor.
One Shot
"Please Robin!"
"No Yarne."
How did things end up like this?
She was sitting a ways off from camp on a flat stone. She was cross legged and cross armed, forming a physical barrier between her-self and her husband. Yarne prostrated him-self before her. He had lowered his head as far down as he could, smash it into the dirt and his ears flopping down as well. Her husband was a big man and even with how small he was trying to make him-self he still came up to the woman's waist while she sat on the rock.
She couldn't count the number of times she'd told him to raise his head and tried to clear his cheeks with a handkerchief. Or simply gotten tired of his goading her into this proposition and left him, only to come back hours later to find he was still there. Even in the rain. It was starting to infuriate her how far he was taking this.
"Please! This is the most important thing to me!" He begged
"Oh?" Robin turned her head away from him, twin tails swaying with her movements, "I thought I was the most important thing to you?"
"Y-you are!"
"Then why can't you be happy with just me? And Morgan, and Morgan, and Morgan and," Robin paused, mentally counting over the Morgans. "Morgan and Morgan." She nodded to her-self. That was definitely the correct number.
Yarne wiggled under the pressure of her questions, "I-I am! I love Morgans! Th-hat's why I-I want more of them!"
Robin snorted. "Yeah, uh-huh."
It was cute the second and third times. But when the fourth Morgan showed up he started getting pushy. It seems the time instability was allowing for more than one to slip through as long as they were…vigorous enough with their activities.
A blush settled into her cheeks and she re-doubled her humphs! "We have plenty of children! Be happy with what you have!"
"I-I am! B-but…"
"But what?"
"M-my race…"
Robin rolled her eyes. It always came back to that. "Didn't you promise me you'd put our family before any kind of race issues when we married?"
"Y-yes."
"Then what's your problem?!" Robin shot a glare at the man. Rabbit. Close enough. Yarne wiggled under her intense pressure, yelling 'I'm sorry!' out repeatedly. Robin kept looking down at him like he was the most insignificant of insects, anger gushing from her like broken dam on some hapless village of soon to be drowned bunnies.
…But then relented with the heaviest of sighs and looked away. It was hard for her to really get angry at him. Was this love? It had to be if she'd ever consider the thought of having five Morgans running around. That was five hyper energetic giant rabbits that wanted nothing more than to have mommy ride around on their backs while they buck around the country side or dig holes to drop her into.
Why did she have children again?
"Please Robin." Yarna lifted his face from the earth. Robin sucked in a breath. He was smudged in dirt and mud and had tears welling up in his eyes. Her eyes met with his watery, teary, heart wrenching spheres and felt her-self melt in them, then immediately jerked her head away. No! No she wasn't doing this again!
"Please…"
"N-no, I already said I wasn't." You weren't getting her this time!
"Please…"
"Not again!"
"Please…"
"I'm getting angry Yarne!"
After a few more 'Please' had ticked off their conversation had crawled to a halt. Yarne kept looking up at his wife with the most pitiful look humanly possible. Robin fought to keep her strength of will, looking away from the man and refusing to give him the satisfaction of her caving in to his request. But then, then she had dared to let her eyes flicker aside and saw him out of the corner of peripheral vision.
"…"
"…"
"…Sigh." She completely turned back to Yarne and hopped off her seat. Fetching out a handkerchief she kneeled before her husband and started to wipe the smudge off his face. "I'll only do it one more time alright? No more after this."
She had been through this enough times to know how her husband's expressions would shift. First surprise and shock, then a little more crying, then this big and bright beautiful smile would spread across his face. She loved seeing that smile.
"O~OOOOOH!" He roared and immediately jumped onto his wife, taking her in his arms and lifting her up without regards to the mud he'd just been sitting in. Robin wrinkled her nose. Great, more laundry she had to take care of later. "Thank you Robin! Thank you! I love you!"
Having more kids is what you love! Honestly.
Sighing, Robin wrapped her arms around Yarne's neck and laid her forehead into his shoulder, feeling very much tired after dealing with this. This had better be the last kid or so help her…
As it turned out, no, it wasn't the last child. Again and again he'd return to the same prostration and begging her for more with promises of the last one (after the tenth she very much made him promise, and after the twentieth she made him swear). Before she knew it he'd stopped asking entirely and their nights had been full of nothing but the intimacy only couples could really share.
And most of the day for that matter, as Robin soon discovered that her husband had a near limitless supply of eagerness to repopulate his race. Come to think of it, he was a rabbit but still.
"And that's why I need your help." Robin confessed her plight to the matron bunny. Panne had been her friend for as long as they'd known one another and in fact was how she got to know her son so well, so Robin knew she could count on the older woman to put a stop to the endless exhaustion her husband was putting her through.
Panne had remained quiet for the entire story but when Robin finished she spoke up. "I'll take care of it." She said, before getting up and leaving the tent they were talking in
Sigh. Good. Robin sunk into her chair. Her clothes were disheveled and her hair was a mess from her last engagement with Yarne about twenty minutes ago. Originally she tried to bath to get the smell off but when he started escalating it Robin just found her-self not caring enough and walking around the camp all day like it.
More than one soldier had shown their appreciations with cat calls and nudging their friends. Then you got into her actual friends who were all overly polite about it with strained expressions and some face pinching mixed in. The women weren't allowing their husbands around her nearly as often. She hadn't gotten to talk with Kellam or Stahl o-or even Chrom outside of meetings! Her best friend! It's not like she was going to steal them away from their wives or anything! She was barely handling her own husband!
"…Maybe it's the top?" Robin looked down at pulled at the neck line of her shirt. It was pretty low and loose. It's not like she was particularly buxom but that hadn't stopped her from catching men taking a peek down the slit.
"Ow!" Robin jerked her head up at that noise. That was Yarne! "Ow! Ow mom stop! Stooopp~!"
"No," She could hear terrifying calls of agony and pain coming from outside her tent. What was Panne doing to him?
"Not the balls! Please!"
Oh
"Eh? Grandma? What are you doing to dad?" One of the Morgan legion had arrived on the scene.
"Disciplining him," The howls continued
"No, please!"
"Did he do something bad?" Robin could practically see the head tilt her spawn was doing. Whichever spawn it was. She'd lost count of their individuality a while ago. At least she didn't need to learn dozens of different names. Morgan. That was it.
"Yes. He's been causing your mother trouble." Crunch
"Oooh~! That's bad dad! Don't cause mom trouble!" Says one of the brats that try to shove her into traps! She's found a literal minefield of trap holes outside her tent once. She made Yarne walk across it first.
"Please no!" The howling of agony continued.
"Hi guys! What are you doing to dad?" Another Morgan showed up and the process continued through the day. She wasn't sure if she should be happy or terrified that her husband was harmed for so long but Robin was certainly pleased when he apologized to her later that night…after she'd healed up all his bruises of course.
Because it didn't seem like he was going to stop, as a few days later he was right back at it, Robin had decided that it'd be in everyone's best interest if she set a schedule. No more than three times a week during the night. He didn't complain after she'd threatened him another visit from his mother.
It was great. She was able to stay properly clean and smelling fresh, her friends had started letting up on their overly polite tones and she could talk to them again, and she even got sleep again. Sleep! She'd forgotten what it was like to get a full eight hours. It was glorious.
"But you know, your children are a real service to the Sheppard's." Chrom said as Robin was staring at the massacre happening before them. They'd mobilized against a growing revenant force and despite the large disposition of the enemy units they were being crushed under what she could only describe as murder hairballs cascaded down the hill like two ton boulders on a rampage.
In the presence of such overwhelming power tactics had been thrown out the window. Her job had been reduced to 'go to spot A and point at thing B and unleash unholy bunny hell upon them'. They only really seemed to listen to her orders so Robin had become the Commander of the Sheppard's new Taguel unit. Robin took a note from her own children's book and tilted her head at the sight.
"They've really helped keep casualties down." Chrom winced when one of the hairballs had spun down onto a revenant; completely grinding it into none existence with their high paced spinning motion. "The men love having them around. They're helpful and the constant energy is helping to keep morale up."
It felt a bit weird to receive such praise for her warren of monstrous rabbit children but she still felt a smile slip onto her lips. She lifted a hand up to keep one of her twin tails from flailing too hard in the sudden breeze and smacking her in the face, "Yeah. They're my pride and joys." Even if she didn't want to admit it most of the time Robin was still their mother.
Chrom nodded and then asked, "So would you be willing to-."
"I have magic Chrom." Robin looked up at Chrom with a strained and tight smile with a lit flame on her finger.
He looked away with both hands up in defense. "I-I was just going to ask you to lead them into battle against Grima. Ahahaha..haha.."
Yeah she bet you were.
But the flood of Morgan's had not stopped. Before they knew it there was practically an army by them-selves that the Sheppard's had to redirect, maintain and train the collective rabbit horde. They couldn't even go by just Morgan anymore. They had to be assigned letters and numbers from 1 to 100.
Tiki walked up to one of the groups of set aside Morgans with a check list in hand. "Is Morgan C27 in this group?" She questioned.
"Ooh! Oooh! That's me!" The Morgan in the far back jumped and waved his hand. Tiki smiled at the boy's energy.
"You're being re-assigned to your mother's personal guard." There was a shout of 'yes!' with an accompanied round of 'boos' from his fellow Morgans. "Now get going you little scamp."
Morgan C27 bolted out of the group and past Tiki. He didn't want to make his mother wait. He said hi to the collective Morgan patrol he ran across, waved to the Morgan by one of the cooking pots (Morgan B48, his bestest best friend brother!) and nearly tripped into another Morgan's trap before finally arriving at his mother's tent.
"Hail Sheppard's!" he called out. A Morgan stepped out of the tent. He was wearing a pair of bunny ears.
"Hail! Are you the new member of the Bunny Guard?" Morgan C27 nodded earnestly. "That's great! Here's a pair of bunny ears." The other Morgan slipped them onto his head. "Welcome to the Elites brother!"
"Yes! Can I meet mother now?" Every Morgan dreamt of getting to spend more time with their mother. It's just that she was so busy with all the Morgan's she never had time for a Morgan.
"You'll get to meet her later. Right now we have to get ready for her speech!" The other Morgan grabbed Morgan C27 and dragged him into the tent.
Robin found her-self standing at the top of a stage. Before her were legions of Morgans. She'd lost count of how many. All she knew was that they ranged out to at least the D's in letters. They might even be at risk of hitting E's. All of them a powerful Taguel in their own right and at her full command. Beside her were the strongest of them, five selected to be her 'personal guard'. It was her husband's idea.
Robin giggled. She didn't know why but she felt like one of those evil villainous out of a novel she'd really gotten into once, that kind that was gathering up her army to attack the neighboring country for its hunk of a prince to take as her own.
…N-not that she had considered it or anything. She was married! Yarne was the love of her life! It was just the power going to her head is all! She wasn't considering any hot and sexy threesomes!
Robin coughed into her hand and stepped forward.
"Hail Sheppard's!" She yelled out to them,
"""Hail Sheppard's!""" The called out unanimously as one.
"My children! The time has come to save the lands from the evil Grima that has plagued us! For he dares to step on our futures! The future of this kingdom! The future of your race!"
Then she lowered her head and paused, letting a dramatic tension take up, "And dares to step on your mommy!"
"""OOOOOHHHRAAA~!""" The legion roared at that. She didn't think they could really comprehend what was at stake. It seemed the more Morgan's that showed up the less their capacity for tactics and higher levels of thinking had become. By the time they hit the C's most of them were just bouncing balls of energy that wanted to cuddle with her and dig in the dirt for reasons they couldn't explain. They had pot holes everywhere.
But if she slapped on "Mommy's in danger" somewhere and they'd get fired up regardless.
"Rise, my children! For the Sheppard's! For Mommy!"
"""FOR MOMMY~!""" The legions roared once again.
The Grima avatar stood upon his greater self, arms stretched and head whipped back. Well, her greater self. It. There we go. It's not like he- it needed a gender. It ascended such base biological concerns! He- it! It was immortal! And not one was going to stop him- damnet!
Yet something was off. Why had they not challenged…its greatness? Grmia lifted its hands up to peek into the horizon, hoping to find something. In the far distance it could see something. It spotted stretched plain of brown, which was bouncing and almost bubbly in appearance. Almost like…hairballs? What could such a thing be?
But when Grima got too close it pounced. The Morgans rose as one horrifying fuzzy tidal wave of death and slammed into the ancient terror. Grima fought and struggled to alleviate him-self of such monsters. And, for the first time, within the darkest reaches of his black heart, knew fear.
It was fine. Such an opposition could only stall Grima. They could not truly stop its revival and destruction of the world! It was what Grima thought all the way up the appearance of Chrom, riding majestically atop the oldest Taguel Morgan up through the fur wave. With his arms out and sword drawn he sought to strike the final blow. His face was serene and knowing, for he had come to deliver unto this monster the pain his daughter had.
Grima avatar's head went flying before he even knew it and peace returned to the land.
"I think," Robin scratched her head and watched her children dance atop the corpse of the Fell Dragon. "Are you sure that's what really happened?"
"Yes mom!" Morgan A3 nodded his head.
"…Alright." She waved off a hand, "Thank you. Go have fun."
"Yes!" He leaped off the cliff they were watching it from, transforming into his greater beast form and rolling down the side to join his brothers in the victory bunny tea bagging.
"I…I think I need a break." Robin had been working hard to pull this victory off. And by Naga she was going to take some alone time. Years worth of it. The nation could afford to send her off on a vacation couldn't it? She thought it could. And as the person who controlled its finances she would most definitely make sure it could.
But for now, book reading. Sighing into the nice plush chair she received as commander of the Taguel, she reached over to the pile of unread but on reserve to read later books, like those kinds of things parents set aside so they could focus on raising their legion of spawn and sunk her-self into a nice book.
"Hi mom!" a familiar voice called out to her. Robin groaned.
"Hello Morgan." She replied tiredly
"Can we play?" The Morgan asked. Robin didn't bother to look up from her book.
"No Morgan. Mommy's tired. Go play with Daddy." She shooed away the Morgan.
"Okay!" And the bundle of energy hopped his way out of her tent. Robin returned to her reading like it was nothing.
"Hmm? What are you doing here Morgan? Wait, y-your hair." Was that Chrom she heard?
"Hi dad! Mom told me to come play with you!"
Robin suddenly found her fingers practically tearing into the book's sides. Slowly, very slowly, she peeked her eyes over the top to check that yes, that Morgan's hair was blue. She sent a guilty look to Chrom. Whoopsie~
How was she gonna explain this to Yarne?
End
I regret nothing.
