The Konan and the Pein
By Tia, bitches!
INTROOO
"Gee, Pein. What do you want to do tonight?"
" Same thing we do every night, Konan. Try to take over the world!"
The Konan and the Pein. The Konan and the Pein. One is the leader, the other's a dame. To prove their evil worth, they'll overthrow the earth. The Konan, the Konan and the Pein, Pein, Pein, Pein, Peeeein!
"For the love of Jashin, just start tha fuckin fic already," said Hidan, in all his gangsta glory, and who is the author to argue? After all, she is simply a captive of Madara Uchiha, who has her writing the day and the life of the most badass organization on the planet. According to me that is, the writer of this memo, fanfic… thing, but that's not the point. The point is you are now going to read an Akatsuki fic, so I had better STFU before I get my sorry ass killed here.
It all started when Pein decided that he hated the world the way it was. It was run by a bunch of dumbasses and hicks, and in the future would be run by a boy with the catch phrase "BELIEVE IT!" Pein was too good to believe it. That's right, he's just that cool. Did I mention that he hates the world? Yah? GOOD! Don't we all.
Anyway, as Pein sat in his secret layer pondering his ponderings on destruction bringing peace, he had a brilliant idea! You see, he was short a lot of members from a full-blown organization. He and his girlfriend who gave him back rubs and heart-shaped paper just wasn't going to cut it. They didn't have any style, any pizzazz, any… ANYTHING YET DANGIT. It made him kinda mad, but hey? Being mad was a big waste of time. The only way to fix his little problem was to get off his ass and find himself some bitches, err, members.
"Konan, THE Madara Uchiha gave us the right to an evil organization," said Pein, thrumming his jet black nails against his oak arm rest. He was bored, testy, and more than a little bitchy. His normally calm and collected demeanor twitched and he was just so ready to go out there and… and… and RULE THE WORLD. The one that he wanted, with no wars and no unnecessary deaths; it's kinda weird that he wants to end war WITH war, but what can I say. Ultimate bad guys of doom are not exactly renowned for their common sense. Neither is Sasuke Uchiha, but let's not go there.
"He certainly did," said Konan, rubbing her man's feet with a face straight and stoic. She would do anything for Pein, foot rubs, back rubs, ass rubs (hohoho), if it meant ensuring that he were hers and only hers, which he was. He was a genius in her opinion, smexilicious, and damn was he good in bed. It was everything a world leader needed to be, really. He was, however, not a world leader yet. What the shit, I know. I feel ya Konan, I really do.
"So that means we need members," said Pein, going down a list of awesome douche bags in Bingo Books of various countries. He checked in red sharpie next to the names most worthy of what would be known as… Team Pein? No. FEIL THE PEIN? Nopers. He supposed the Ginyu Force, Team Rocket, and Sailor Scouts were all out of the question due to copyright infringement. OH WELL. The naming would have to happen later. He needed members now.
"So far, on my list of worthy candidates I have," murmured Pein, chewing on the ass of his sharpie pen. "Ah yes, Sephiroth, Bowser, Chuck Norris, Voldemort, Sweeny Todd, Your Mom, Oprah Winfrey, and Hanna Montana." He chewed on the ass of his sharpie pen some more and grinned. "Why yes, I think this team would make the perfect entity of evil, don't you?"
Konan frowned, sweat-dropped, and yanked Pein's master list out of his hand. First of all, only she, the dame, could be The Girl on this team. Granted she approved of androgynous males profusely (she was a closet yaoi fangirl) she simply could not allow other chicks to cramp her style, thus the last three were so out. It was hard enough to capture Jinchuuriki without a maniac who would want to bake them in a pie, she wasn't into snake guys, Chuck Norris would try to steal the organization from them, Bowser was… a moron, and Sephiroth? She wouldn't tap that crazy mofo with a ten foot paper pole, no matter how smexy he is.
She went through and made some minor adjustments. You see, that's another reason why she existed. Pein had the power of God, the balls to rule the world, and was a gifted genius in many ways. He wasn't a very good analyst, though, and Konan was there to make up for and hide what little he lacked in brains. She wasn't just another pretty face, you know, though she certainly was that.
When she was done, she read the names of the members Pein really needed to seek.
"Itachi Uchiha, ex-Konohagakure nin. Madara has been working on this boy, actually. Possesses a powerful blood-line limit known as the Sharingan, and he has recently killed his entire clan," said Konan, so not drooling over how hot he was, though she kinda was. Oh well, she had her right to a freebie. After all, Pein was going to invite no less than THREE EFFING WOMEN into the organization, especially that Your Mom slut. She would drool over precious jail bait all she wanted.
"If Madara says he's in, he's in," said Pein, just like that. Figures, but for a leader of an evil organization to be that cool with something? He was just a little too trusting, but Konan suspected that that was because his intentions were too pure. You see, Akatsuki are the real heroes in the Naruto-verse, they're just drawn evil.
"Kisame Hoshigaki, ex-Kirigakure nin. He has a big sword that… shaves? That's a big damn sword."
"I approve of big damn swords. He's in." Pein was so easy to please. It was another thing Konan liked so much about him. Either that, or she knew just which buttons of his to push, if you catch my drift. In this case she agreed with his immediate assessment. She would track down and recruit this Kisame immediately, once she was done finding more good bitches for Pein to boss around.
"Zetsu, origin unknown. He, err, eats dead people? And babies? I don't know about that one… " Clearly she didn't, because her face suddenly became quite pasty, and that's saying something for a girl who can turn her skin into paper, man.
"He can dispose of bodies we don't want found. I'm all for it." And then came Konan's sweat drop once more. Either Pein's brain processed and came up with a master decision in the blink of an eye, or he was just too darn lazy to consider all pros and cons. Either way, it made Konan's job harder. The decisions they made ultimately ended up being hers anyway, but his word was the important one. He was, after all, Leader-sama.
"Sasori of Red Sands, ex-Sunagakure nin. Turns human bodies into puppets, master of poisons… " kinda cute, but then again Konan did have a thing for red heads. Well, that was the second oglable to ticky. If all the guys she encouraged Pein to recruit were as hot as him and Itachi, she'd be in a lot of trouble. But anyway.
"In."
"How is it that you agree so easily to all this?" Konan finally had to ask.
"Because we need members now," said Pein. "And I mean NOW. Please go find them and recruit them at once."
"Yes, Pein." So Konan formed her beautiful paper wings together and fluttered off into the sunrise.
Then it hit Pein, yes!
"I shall call us Akatsuki," he said.
Made sense. After all, once they were finished the world would rise to a newer, brighter day.
MWAHAHAHAHA AHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHHAHAZHAHAHHAHHAHHAHHAHHAH!!1!!
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"Kukukukuku, Itachi Uchiha, perhaps your young mind is too feeble to grasp what a formidable force we'd become if we were one," said Orochimaru, following Itachi around like a dog in heat, tongue hanging out and drooling and all. You know, not that Itachi would take the guy seriously anyway, because he's just smart like that. The fact that Orochimaru clearly wanted to mount some ass on top of "taking Itachi's body into his own" had the normally composed Uchiha ready to run the fuck away, or kill a dood, whichever he felt like doing the most. After taking out his clan, though, Itachi was all killed out.
It didn't help that Orochimaru had been spying on Madara, knew everything about him and the evil organization he was going to hide under, and stuff. You see, when he was a child Orochimaru never fit in. Joining Madara's cronies was a good way to start making friends, being invited to all the field trips and slumber parties like he had always wanted to. Now was his chance, and he knew what made Madara tick to tip the scales in his favor.
"Kukuku, did you know that Madara lieks Mudkips?" said Orochimaru, holding a muddy Mudkip captive in his cloak. He held a kunai to the poor, defenseless pokemon's throat. Now, Itachi didn't much care for Mudkips, being more of a Torchic fan himself. What he did care about was what Madara would do to him if he allowed Orochimaru to escape his grasp, and then gab his whereabouts and all his secrets to the world. Along with Madara's Mudkip, Orochimaru also stole his diary, and all of his chewing gum, and he wouldn't get it back until he fit in.
Itachi also had Madara's permission to kill Orochimaru, granted the Mudkip was nowhere in the vicinity. As in, Orochimaru could not use Mudkip as a shield, and Mudkip couldn't even watch Itachi brutally murder him. In short, Itachi was fucked to suffer a long, painful trek through the desert with Orochimaru drooling over his thirteen year old ass. Fucking cradle robber. Itachi wanted to kill SOFUCKINGBAD that he would cry, that was, if Itachi cried, which he sho' as hell did NOT.
"Mud?" squeaked the pokemon, biting Orochimaru as hard as he could and running up to Itachi. Well, that would just have to do for now. While Orochimaru suffered a bitch of a bite wound, and dehydration from all the pedoey droolage, Itachi got a little water gun shower and cooled off. Life was good for all of seventeen seconds, and then he saw an ominous shadow in the sky. It looked kinda like an angel, an angel of DETH. He would already pay for his sins for killing the clan? He thought Orochimaru was punishment enough, but nooo.
It wasn't Itachi's fault his father wouldn't let him have a Torchic. What's worse, he was going to sell off Sasuke's little body to pedoclowns since the clan was low on funds, and thus not as cool as the Hyuga clan. To protect the brother that only he could molest, well, assuming he were sick like that, which he just might be, I dono. Anyway, Sasuke was important to Itachi for evil reasons, so Sasuke had to liiive, and be fangirled for his hotness until turned gay, and most of all he could NOT LACK HATRED, or Itachi would do bad things to him, like make him listen to the Barney song for seventy-two hours. That would make Sasuke-chan shit his pants and cry like a girl. You know it's true.
The angel from the sky landed, and Itachi was all "lol wut" and Orochimaru was like "MY LEG!" when his hand was what hurt dang it. Konan was not pleased to see Orochimaru here, because he was a snake man, and she did not like snake men. She didn't like snakes. They were gross and creepy, just like spiders, two-headed drag queens, and silver-haired fanboys. Somehow, Orochimaru reeked "All of the Above."
"Go away, Orochimaru. I have business with the boy," said Konan, arms crossed and ready to use a paper cut of death no jutsu if need be. She would summon a dog for the sole purpose on peeing on each of his thousands of paper cuts.
"I can't let you do that, Konan. For you see, I have staked my claim on this luscious vessel kukuku."
Well, this couldn't end well, could it?
CHAPTER ENDS HERE
Tia: HOLY COMPLETED CHAPTER OF DOOM BATMAN. If you read it you should review it, whether you like the story or not. Common courtesy duh. And don't give me shit about the yaoi jokes. They're jokes. LOL at them, or GTFO.
