There she was.

I observed her for years.

She had every beat of my heart since a long time ago.

And she didn't notice.

Didn't even imagine what I felt for her.

We spent years and years at the same school.

And now we both were at the institute.

I loved her.

A love in full silence.

Her…


In silence.

I

By NaYmCo.

Translated by AnkarayaSamura.



A unique person for me.

I knew her without knowing her.

I watched her without watching her.

I always found her lost in thought. Who would be the person she may be thinking on? Many times I asked myself how to attract her attention. We had been coinciding for the whole life. However, she never had watched me, not a single time. The most popular person at the institute. Not just because of her marks, or because being good at sports.

But because of her beauty.

All the boys were after her.

I felt so eaten up with jealously just watching her speaking with some of them.

Someone always came, telling her that he needed to talk to her for a minute.

They went out of class and gone to the playground.

I observed her.

I knew each and every of their gestures.

I even knew when she was going to tell them "No".

But I never knew why.

Why that popular red-haired girl never said "Yes" to any of their suitors?

Me… the one who know everything about her.

What she did… the schedule she had.

Me… always gazing at her in the distance.

Wishing to be courageous enough for saying her just a simple "Hello". But I never dared to do it. Only thinking on her staring at me got me nervous. And once again, she refused to date someone. She entered again at the classroom while I turned away my eyes.

Yes.

I acted like if I didn't care about her.

But the burden at my chest shouted for the opposite. Up to the point of wishing her in full silence. She took over my dreams, controlling my whole life. No. You might say I was obsessed. But I wasn't. It certainly looks so, but it's not about that. I loved her. Since a very long time ago. I lost count of the years. She always seemed to me an angel that came only for rescuing me.

But she still passed by.

Until the day she arrived at school.

That red-haired girl with a brilliant joyful stare. It didn't take long for her to strike up friendships. She fitted into in a few days. And since then, she started to become popular. But the worst day of my life was that one, the day when another boy came up to her.

And this time, she smiled different.

It can't be.

No.

Her gestures at the playground changed.

I could even watch her blushed.

He was Yuuno Scrya.

The most popular boy at the institute too.

And then I got broken.

I got broken from the inside.

When she told him "Yes".

I looked down, sad, wishing to cry.

Wishing to disappear.

It couldn't be. That's what I repeated myself constantly.

Fate, you should have imagined it. She was popular enough to be alone for so long. What did you expect? Did you even think you could be the one? Stop dreaming again. Think clearly. You are a girl. And she is too.

Stop believing you might have had a damn chance.

You never had it.

The worst thing at the day wasn't her agree. It was bumping into them right ahead. And realizing of my dying heart at that moment. I went after the gym class to give the key back to the teacher. I was always the one to open and close the gym. It was located at the back side of the building.

At the end.

In a corner.

There they were.

Him.

Her.

Kissing each other.

My mind played a dirty trick on me.

My world became a hell.

Lost in fire seas.

In pain.

In rage.

She tore me to shreds.

My stare.

My eyes.

They didn't restrain more tears.

And they appeared.

From what there was inside of me.

Since then I became very cold.

More and more.

And my days went by. Still depending of my feelings towards her. My heart dying every second I saw her beside him. My pain spreading throughout my whole being. Even blinding my senses.

I loved her that much, that sometimes I thought I was going mad. My worst nightmare. The one hidden at the very bottom of my soul. It was coming true.

We may consider I was a happy girl, at least at others' eyes. After the institute, I was going home.

My daily routine.

To drop the schoolbag on my bed.

To change my clothes.

To keep feeling that pressure inside my chest.

To falsely smile at my mother. Though she knew me very well and always noticed when something was wrong.

Something I never said.

I guess she didn't want to inquire into it so much. Since I wasn't her true daughter.

Unfortunately I learned about pain and loneliness when I was a child.

My real mother never wanted me, and I couldn't meet my dear sister. She died before I was born.

And finally, my mother disappeared only to never come back again. Since that moment, I promised myself not to feel anything towards no-one.

I wouldn't let myself to get attached to anyone.

I wouldn't let anyone to know me.

I wouldn't let myself to lose a beloved anymore.

What an irony.

Now I realize these things are inevitable.

Not long after being all alone, the one who is my current mother appeared.

Lindy-san was always the whole opposite to my biological mother.

After being adopted by her, I gained not only a very important person, but also a brother, Chrono.

Both have taken care of me since I was nine, when I entered at primary school. But despite this, there are some parts of me I'm not able to tell yet. My heart isn't ready to bear the remembrance of that pain again. So I did my best. I hid it in my deepest and built a shell.

But it didn't matter how wide it was.

She went into it.

I don't know how.

Nor why.

I just know she entered. She just slipped through it, giving heat and sweetness.

It was all a lie.

Everything was false.

She couldn't have ever given that to me, as far as she didn't know me at all.

But I could still live just by watching her.

And now… I can't anymore…

This twinge inside of my heart is killing me.

And my life kept on with this daily routine.

To sit at an armchair and see my mother preparing some tea, it was relieving.

"Fate-chan… your birthday will be soon, what does my pretty daughter want?" asked my mother smiling, as she offered me a tea cup.

"Oh… I don't really want anything, mum."

I looked at the steaming cup and took the cup.

"So, didn't you even remember that you will be seventeen within a few days?"

She watched me oddly. Yes, I'd forgotten that I'd have another birthday.

"Well…"

I turned the stare away trying to conceal the carelessness of not remembering the day which was.

All days were the same for me. I didn't notice anything between them.

"I think I know what I'll give you as a present." said while taking his thumb to the chin. I looked her and couldn't avoid a smile.

Even sad, I couldn't avoid smiling at her. She always showed me what love was. And I'll be eternally grateful for it to her.

"Fate, will you come today to the centre's library?"

That was my brother, he was studying at university. Almost every time I went to the centre, he asked me for some book. He was a good student. Me… I guess I was too.

"Yeah, sure. Do you want any concrete book?"

He caressed my head.

"Well, I want you to bring me this one."

He gave me a strange book, black-covered.

"Sure… I'll go later."

He caressed me the head again in a grateful way.

And that was everything. My relationship with them was not bad, but recently I was very distant. Though I tried them not to notice it.

I wore my jacket.

Black.

Always, or almost always, I was wearing black.

That day, the black was defining my feelings.

Dark.

Hidden.

Distant.

Cold.

I went downstairs and took my bicycle. The library wasn't far away. And besides, during spring, one could admire the cherry trees in bloom.

It was what I liked the most when I arrived to Japan. That tree. It was beautiful.

Its leaves were unfolding around me, when I was crossing a park.

I wanted to see it closer, so I stopped right there.

I was captivated by that beauty. I needed my mind to escape, at least for some minutes, from the high pressure inside of my heart.

Her name was engraved in my words.

I pronounced it silently.

All of my being was calling her constantly.

Perhaps that's why I felt she was there.

Maybe that's why I saw her there.

I felt surprised. What was she doing there?

Yes, it was a park, but it was the most deserted done at the whole neighbourhood. No-one used to go there.

Despite it was a beautiful place, it was lonesome, I still try to figure out why.

She was doing something similar to me. She was admiring those trees' sakuras, coming loose and falling slowly to the ground.

She was alone, and seemed thoughtful.

Or maybe something like… worried?

I looked down, considering if it would be good to speak with her. But I had not a single excuse to do it.

I just went blank.

I looked that black book my brother had given to me.

It was a poetry book, I already have read it. I knew many of those poems by heart. I don't know why I stood thinking about it, in such a moment like that.

"Hi… You're at my institute, aren't you?"

I looked up and she was right in front of me. I had never seen her so closely. She was just simply beautiful.

Her eyes, blue as the most precious sea, filled with light sparks.

Her copper-coloured hair waving with the breeze.

She still wore the institute's uniform.

Her hands were at her back, and she was staring at me oddly.

No words came to my mind at that moment. I was puzzled. And my soul played a dirty trick on me. My heart was beating strongly, and my cheeks were burning.

"He… Hello… Etto… y… yes, I think so."

Her voice… I couldn't describe how beautiful she was.

My hands shook and my heart was beating faster.

"Harlaown, right?"

I'd never imagined she knew my name, even less my surname.

"Y… yes… and you're Takamachi."

I would never dare to call her in a different way but her surname. That was only happening inside of my being. Only inside my skin, that now, was breathing her fragrance.

"That book you carry on the cycle… It's a poetry one, isn't it?"

I hold it in my hands for one second.

"Yes… I… we… well, I was going to the library."

I caressed the cover, feeling the nerves inside of me. It wasn't only the very first time I could see her that close, it was also the first time I was speaking with her.

"This park is beautiful; I don't know why anyone comes here."

She looked at both sides while smiling.

"Oh… I've also wondered it for so long."

And the melody of her laughter rose up.

My poor sad heart collapsed. Even my thoughts. Everything on me stopped working, at the same time I watched her laughing.

"So you come here very often… I'm here for the first time."

I left the book again at the bag.

"I live near here, that's why I know it."

She looked me as if I'd said something funny.

"Wow, so we're almost neighbours, what a coincidence."

No. It wasn't a coincidence, I simply strive myself to live there. I just insisted my mother when we changed our home.

"Y… yeah…"

Again a blush suddenly appeared at my cheeks.

"So Harlaown, it was a pleasure to meet you. After so many years and I end up meeting you here. Isn't it curious?"

Hold on a second.

Did she know about my existence?

"Me… Did you know who I was?"

Surprise invaded me for a few seconds.

"Of course, someone like you is hard to be forgotten."

What did she want to tell me?

"Someone like… me?"

She smiled me warmly and I died of joy.

"Yes, though you can't believe it, you always attracted my attention… but I never dared myself to tell you anything. It looked as if you always wanted to be alone. So I never spoke with you."

Yes, it was true; I had been trying to avoid everybody. I didn't want anyone to come any closer.

"Yeah… it looks I did well… "

I looked down while delivering those words.

"I'm glad to finally decide myself to speak with you."

I stared at her and she gave me another of her pretty looks again.

"And… why are you here? I thought someone like you was always busy…"

She grabbed my hand and I went bright red. It couldn't be. Her hand was very warm.

"Yes, it is, normally. Can I go along you to the library?"

I blinked some times with the eyes wide opened.

"Y… yeah… su… sure…"

My mouth started to fail; the words were rushing to go outside.

I went down of the bicycle and walked a stretch towards our destiny.

She was constantly speaking. It was odd, seemed like if she had never spoke to someone in that way. I, as usual, remained silent, only enjoying every second by her side.

I left the bicycle at the proper place and we entered at the library.

"I'd like to search for an interesting book." whispered me as she made me feel more nervous.

"U… um" I just nodded. Once again, the warmth of her hands took one of mines, taking me somewhere among those shelves full of stories and information.

I stopped her in order to go through one of the corridors. I was looking for something that she may like.

I raised my hands to one of the shelves and picked up a book.

"You may like this one…"

I smiled the best I can do while fixing my gaze on the way she was looking it.

"What is it about?" asked curiously.

"It's a bit tragic story, something that happened during a war."

Her eyes shined at that moment. I'd hit the nail on the head. Didn't know why, but I was sure she was going to like it. Besides it was one of my favourite books. I'd read it thousand of times.

"I'll read it, and tell you what I think of it, I promise."

My heart, that hadn't stop beating until that moment, started to throb her name… Nanoha… Nanoha… Nanoha…

"I'm… I'm sure… that you'll li… like it."

She laughed silently.

"Harlaown is very shy."

I looked oddly while looking at her.

"You can call me by my na... name if you want to."

I blushed again, her voice delivering my name's letters had to sound beautiful.

"Perfect… then… thanks for this book, Fate-chan."

There it was, my name coming out of her lips. I closed my eyes enjoying every tone while pronouncing it.

"You're… You're welcome… Takamachi."

She concealed by looking more books.

"Just call me Nanoha."

My fingers, that were showing me the titles, suddenly stopped. I could finally say her name; I could finally say it aloud.

"Nano… ha…"

She nodded.

"Nanoha…"

I liked the way it sounded in my voice. It was even more beautiful.

"That's it, I like the way Fate-chan says my name."

More colours rose up without warning to my cheeks, and my heart kept betraying me. Much more than my mind, that kept watching it all in objectivity. "She's got a boyfriend, she will never notice you", my head said. I loathed those thoughts, I didn't stand them and that was reflected upon my face.

"What's wrong, Fate-chan?"

I shook my head, pretending to conceal that everything was right.

Though it wasn't.

I remember her kissing that popular boy.

It's natural Fate; they're the most popular ones at the institute.

Eventually, we said goodbye at the park. My sadness made an impression on me. I could see her going away between cherry trees flowers, which was very romantic. There was some kind of reason telling me this would never happen again.

Though she promised to give me her view about the book, I didn't want to speak again with her.

To have hopes made me suffer.

I didn't want to become her friend.

I just wanted to remain in the distance.

And my heart stopped beating once again.

I felt a bit of happiness inside me… that I wanted to fade at that moment.

"No". I told myself. I don't want to feel this.

I don't want to have hopes, damn it!

I grabbed my painful chest.

Clenching my fists.

No.

More pain.

No.

I didn't want to bear it anymore.

I flatly refused to bear more suffering in my chest.

My soul bitterly scattered around me.

Melted like water between my fingers.

I was dying after every step she took, moving away from me.

I couldn't.

I couldn't bear it.

I didn't want anymore.

No.

I broke down when I realized that she would never be with me.

I collapsed after realizing about all that she meant to me.

I couldn't stop loving her ever.

And I only could live in my dreams.

Imagining her telling me… that she felt the same… One day.

Fate, you're stupid.

My head appeared once again. Yes, my head was always on the alert about what my heart was shouting so powerfully. Even controlling all of my actions. I didn't want to feel happy because I'll end up condemning myself. And from the distance, hidden, I was much better.

Much protected.

From her.

From me.

I didn't want to feel my body going out of control every time she came closer, I didn't want that to happen again. By then I'd taken a decision.

In case she might decide to speak with me again, I'll just simply ignore her even if my soul breaks.

Lost again.

The joy feeling was hitting my chest again by imagining her smile.

Damn Fate, no.

She's with that boy and seems happy. When I saw them kissing each other this afternoon, they seemed happy.

And they appeared late.

Those tepid tears going down my face.

No. I don't want to cry anymore.

Then I remembered all those nights overcame with moaning. Strongly embraced to the pillow and hiding my face on it. Only to avoid noises. Only not to worry my family. That was the last thing I wished. I was painfully dying inside of me every moment of my life. When she entered in my heart without permission. By then I'd lost the meaning of happiness. "That had nothing to do with me", I repeated myself again. My head had told me that for so many times…

Happiness.

I wonder how it is like.

Filling your soul and being.

Fate, forget about it. She's just not for you.

Sluggishly I moved my bicycle. Tomorrow will be another day when thousands of arrows will hammer in my heart. Ones were more accurate than others, but still painful.

Now in home, I sat in front of my desk. I did the same every day. But this time I realized of something. I couldn't open not a single book. I barely could breath, I felt my blood stopped and my heart turned into stone. I was simply dying with every second I spent all alone.

So painful.

I dropped myself on the desk. More tears. Going with the whines of my being. I was calling again that red-haired girl. How can change your life in just a few seconds. If I wouldn't have stopped to watch the cherry trees, she would have never spoken to me.

Ever.

I was sure that it had had to be in that way. And that joy inside of me, that hope again. I'll swear for thousand of things that I would never accept. She always was so important for me, without her notice. Hidden in the darkness.

Now in the distance…

My routine was changing.

And during the next day. Everything was the same. My thoughts thronged as I see her entering at the classroom. I just turned my eyes away one more time, worn out of seeing her in my dreams.

I felt she was watching me, but I didn't want to imitate her in any way.

Coldness.

I felt my soul becoming frozen.

He entered and went to speak with her. "The perfect couple", said some mates behind me. I just looked at the sky through the windows. Thoughtful, wishing to fly and going away.

To disappear among the clouds. Not to be there. Not to feel that pain.

To forget.

It was that or nothing. And the very nothingness seized of me. My body missed her without having enjoyed her ever. My hands went with my face, being useful as a support. Lethargic, unhappy. That was how I felt. But over all, lost. What shall I do? I couldn't go on in that way. From the deepest of my heart, I wished to be a normal person.

But it wasn't true.

Lie.

My head repeated me again.

The class started and I began to escape from reality. Without noticing, I started to write nonsensical things in my notebook. Eventually I created another one of those stories I used to write and publish at some forum. I imagine it was the only way I knew to get everything out, when water was almost at my neck. When I felt unable to breath, I wrote.

Every day I wrote something. Many people sent me mails praising my work. But I didn't care about that. I was just telling my sorrows in a different way.

I told them without telling them.

"Fate-chan…"

I looked up. It was lunch time and I hadn't even notice. I was just filling that notebook with words. Letters. Painful thoughts. The mark at my heart and its name were the cause.

"He… hello…"

She had taken me by surprise, just like the first time.

"I've reading that book. It's wonderful. I thank you for recommending it to me."

Serious, I stared at her for a moment.

"You are welcome…"

She smiled and I felt my heart wanting to go outside, trying to control it I collapsed again. He arrived at her back and grabbed her hand as she looked him in a beautiful way.

I was jealously.

I felt rage.

I wish she'd stare at me in that way.

I'm lost.

Lost.

I shut my eyes wishing to disappear again.

"Oh… so… sorry, I must do something. I'm glad you liked the book."

I stood up quickly and went out of the classroom. I felt her boyfriend asking about me. Natural, I'd spent almost my whole life trying to go unnoticed. And it seems I did it. I never tried to stand out more than anyone, neither to attract the attention. If somebody came closer to me, I tried to do my best to make him go away.

I didn't want to become friends with anyone.

I didn't want to suffer betrayal.

Neither remaining all alone again.

Rather I preferred to live eternally between the darkness and the pain.

It was better like this.

I felt the loss inside me again. Emptiness and loneliness sensations were filling me again. It was weird, how can you feel empty and filled of loneliness at the same time? But I felt like that.

She drove me crazy just by watching her.

Damn.

I went to the institute's flat roof, expecting that no-one would be there. It was deserted. I felt tired of my thoughts and feelings, so I fell on the ground. I stood sit on the floor resting the back on the wall. I looked at my bento, but I wasn't hungry. I hadn't eaten properly for a long time. My eyes always represented the sadness; even my mother noticed it one day.

"Fate-chan, I hope to be able to ease the pain reflected upon your eyes."

I just nodded that day. And I've spent my life trying to conceal that everything was fine. My childhood wasn't easy at all. The hatred towards my mother, and her battering and psychological abuse marked my skin and my soul.

I'll pass the rest of my life hunted down by this.

I looked down the floor. Why should I love her? Why did I fall in love with her? It wasn't fair. It wasn't. After all these years, I've just gotten this.

More wounds.

Plenty of them.

That day ended, I took my schoolbag and headed for the exit of the institute. Changing my shoes in my locker, I saw her. She was at the entrance, seemed to await someone. Later I found her fabulous boyfriend arriving and asking her something. She shook her head and he went out.

Hold on a second… did he go? Why? Wasn't supposed that they were a couple? They should go home together. Although I don't know where does he live, neither what he does. I just know he's famous for being part of a kendo club. God, I never imagined the girl of my dreams eventually dating Yuuno Scrya.

As usual I left my shoes at the locker and closed it. I removed my jacket, I was hot and undo my bow, and I was choking. Didn't know if I was nervous because I had to step by her side or…

"Fate-chan…"

I heard my name behind me. Her beautiful voice captivated my ears.

"…"

I stood wordless when turning and watching her looking at me with that pretty smile.

Fate, leave that hope again. No. Not again.

"Can we come back home together?"

I opened my eyes as much as I could. I'd spent the whole day avoiding her… and now this.

"Etto… u... um"

She covered the mouth with a hand and laughed silently.

"Fate-chan is very cute when she becomes shy."

I blushed suddenly. She was controlling me again. No. I don't want to go with her. I don't want anymore.

"I… Etto… I just remem…"

She put a finger in my lips, blushed me much more.

"Don't give me excuses, I just want to speak with you for awhile, don't think that's wrong, isn't it?"

Yes. Yes, it was. For me it was a horrible feeling inside of me. But I felt without alternative and agreed.

We started walking. I felt constantly watched.

"Why?"

I asked without thinking.

"Why? What do you mean?"

She looked at me oddly.

"Why do you want to speak with me?"

She smiled and put her hands at her back, holding her schoolbag.

"'cause I don't like to see Fate-chan all alone."

I looked down. That was exactly what I wanted: being all alone.

"It's not necessary, I like to be alone."

Her smile disappeared.

"I don't think so. We all need friends."

I stopped suddenly and stared at her eyes as I never could. They were very beautiful, pretty.

"I don't need friendships. If I would like to, I'll have them. I'm not looking for something like that."

She put her warm hand on mine, and stopped my heart when she smiled again.

"I think something terrible happened to Fate-chan, and that's the reason why she wants to be alone all the time."

But… Why was she coming up with that now?

"That's not of your concern, Nanoha. And now excuse me, I'm in a hurry."

I tried to avoid her, but she held stronger my hand, restraining my escape.

"That book you recommended me, you said it was your favourite one, wasn't it?"

And what was that book doing here? Her stare was murdering my soul pitiless.

"Yes, it is."

Her hand caressed mine.

"I think it's your favourite one because you feel identified with it."

Yes, it was true. But that wasn't something I could admit. So I falsely smiled.

"No. You're wrong. I don't feel identified with it. I've never fallen in love with anyone."

You lying Fate. You're a liar.

"I understand… I wanted to ask you something…"

For the first time I felt her eyes caressing mines. I was trying to hold her stare, but it was hard for me.

"Ask then, Nanoha."

Her hand left a void on mine. Coldness seized of me once again.

"You spent the whole morning writing something, didn't you? I think you like it; you should publish what you write. There's an internet forum, titled "The Writers Forum". I'm sure you can express there what you feel, Fate-chan."

What was this all about? Did she know the existence of that website?

"I don't know what you're talking about, I haven't been writing. I always summarize the lessons, so that must be what I was writing."

Hold on, does that mean she was looking at me? Why would she be doing that?

"Well, sorry then, I thought you liked writing. I say it because people who read much often like writing as well. I thought it would be helpful."

Damn, what was what she wanted?

"You were wrong then. I don't write. I don't like it."

You are lying. Lying Fate again. Stop being like that.

No, I can't avoid being like this.

But you love her.

But I don't want any hope.

But you need her; you want to fight for her.

But I don't want to suffer.

Damn it.

"I understand. Perhaps we could give our e-mail addresses each other and talk through instant messaging."

Via MSN? Yeah, the program was named like that, in which you add someone's address and could spend hours writing with that person.

"Are… you… on the… internet? "

Wipe away that smile, Fate. You mustn't think she'll make you happy.

True. I'll wipe it away. But it's impossible for me.

"Fate-chan has a lovely smile."

No. Damn it… my cheeks burn.

"Sure, I'll tell you my address."

Fate, even like that, you shouldn't. She'll hurt you.

I don't want her to hurt me.

But she will. You shouldn't accept.

Shut up…

My features turned upset.

"Log in tonight and we'll chat. I'm saying goodbye here, must take a different way."

I went blank. She gave me a paper with her address, didn't even give me time to thank her. She seemed to be very hurry.

It was farther than curious. That paper contained her address, but I never saw her noting it down. Could be possible that she had that intention from the very beginning? And if that was so… why? What was she looking for on me? Did she really think that I'll love her as a friend? No, that wouldn't be possible. I will never be able to love her as a friend.

I loved her.

Damned hopes.

Collapsed again as I see her in the distance.

Sorrowful I bent my head and I headed for home. When I came in, no-one was there. Sometimes it happened. My mother was recently busy in her job and couldn't be at home as much as she'd like. On the other hand, my brother was at university, so seldom I see him either.

There was a note in the kitchen, saying that mother wouldn't come until a few days. Another conference. Yeah. My mother was a good executive, a very good one, at least people said so. Very devoted to her job, so it was very frequent that she'd spent some days outside.

I don't know why she asked me about what I wanted for my birthday, if she wouldn't attend anyway. It will happen within two days but she'll still be at that conference.

Much better.

I didn't want any stupid party like last year's. Damned wishes they made me make before putting the candles out. Anyway, the more I wish something, the less it will come true.

I tediously smiled while I dropped myself at my desk's chair; I watched again that paper which contained Nanoha's address.

Damn it.

If I didn't add her, she may think I didn't care her, and precisely it was just the opposite. But I didn't want illusions in my life anymore, didn't want to fall in a new hell.

This one… with its proper name.


Logging in MSN…

Username: Testarossa_F

Password: *********

Logging in…

Welcome to MSN.

Add a Contact: Takamachi_N

Adding…

New contact added : )

Takamachi_N is logged in. ^_^


Damn it.

Undoubtedly she was hurry to log in. She already accepted me and I must speak to her now.

But I don't want to.

Probabilities about her feeling the same as me go around…

Zero per cent, Fate. Feels you haven't noticed yet, right?

Shut the fuck up!

But it's the truth, and you know it.

I don't want to listen to you anymore.

You're not crazy. It's just your conscience speaking to you, recently louder than your own heartbeats.

That's not true.

But she will never be able to love you.

I know it…

Don't be sad, you've known that for awhile.

I know it too, but it's this damn hope…

Erase it.

I can't, I don't know how to.

Yes, you can.

No. I can't, oh for the sake of God, leave me alone now…

--

Nanoha says:

Hi Fate-chan!

Fate says:

Hello Nanoha.

Nanoha says:

I'm glad that you added me.

Fate says:

I told you I will, didn't I?

Nanoha says:

Yeah, but you didn't feel to be very convinced of it.

Fate says:

Well, I added you already. Feel happy now?

Nanoha says:

Mou, Fate-chan, the first time we spoke you were so kind, what happens with me now?

Fate says:

There's nothing wrong, it's just that it feels like you'd like to read my thoughts.

Nanoha says:

That's not true. But I always find you alone and I don't want that to go on.

Fate says:

Who told you I wanted to be with someone?

Nanoha says:

Nobody told me, but we all need a friend's support, just like I told you before.

Fate says:

And I'll tell you the same as before. I don't want to become friends with anyone. And I don't feel like going on this subject. I don't even know why I logged in.

Nanoha says:

It's okay, calm down. Nyahaha. I just wanted to know if you weren't writing any story for real.

Fate says:

I don't know what you're talking about.

Nanoha says:

I'm sorry, but I want you to forgive me in advance. But when I came closer to you today, I couldn't avoid reading something that you wrote.

Fate says:

So now what? Are you a spy? Stop hunting me out.

Nanoha says:

Nyahaha but don't be cross, please, I didn't meant to do it. And… what I read seemed sad to me, though beautiful as well, and that's why I told you about the forum.

Fate says:

I don't want to publish anything, why do you worry so much about me, huh? You don't know me, we've been in the same class for years and you never watched me. What's wrong with you now? Why are you so interested in me?

Nanoha says:

Calm down. I'm worried because I think you're lost, by an evident unknown reason for me. And you think I never watched you when that isn't true. It's just that the years passed by and I never knew how to come up to you. Until the other day, I felt it was a good chance. And regarding your last question, I want to be your friend, no matter if you say it's unnecessary.

Fate says:

There's no way I can change your mind, isn't it? You're so stubborn.

Nanoha says:

I know, nyahaha, but Fate-chan is an obstinate.

Fate says:

I'm not obstinate!


Do you really want to log out?

Yes.

Logging out…

Logged out.


I told you.

Shut the fuck up!

She'll hurt you. I told you.

Leave me alone.

I can't. I'm important for you. I'm the one who tells you what's right and what's wrong. She will never love you; wipe those ideas away from your head, Fate.

I know it, so shut the fuck up!

Everything was horrible. Damn it, now she insisted on becoming friends with me. After years watching me and now, just now, she wants to be my friend.

I bowed my head and showed a lost stare. My tears suffocated me again. I wanted to die. I couldn't stand that pain.

I put my hand on my chest. Stop hurting me, damned heart.

Feels bitter to know how much I love her and just surrender at the same time.

And what did you expect? That she'll fall in love with you?

No. I knew that already. You don't have to mention it. Every time you do it you break my soul.

Which soul? Do you mean that horrible black mass you carry within?

Yes. Whatever it is like, it's mine. And you're breaking it.

You're wrong; it's just that it's turning blacker.

No. I stood sharply up of the chair and started to wander around the house.

I arrived at the kitchen.

Needed water, took a glass with my hand.

Vent the rage.

Leave me alone.

You're useless.

Shut up.

You're swine.

Shut the fuck up!

I started trembling because of the rage.

My soul hurt.

The heart.

A rage within fulfilled my whole being.

My eyes still tearful.

And the glass shattered in a thousand of pieces.

The pieces of glass were sticking in my hand.

I felt them penetrating my skin.

Blinding me in pain.

I looked at the palm full of fragments from that glass. I had a few cuts that seemed deep. Some of those pieces were stuck and the pain became unbearable.

I shouted while removing those glasses sharply.

The blood dripped.

Drenching my whole hand.

My opened eyes.

I shut them.

What a relief sensation.

Yes, your heart doesn't hurt.

My heart doesn't hurt.

I watched that red sea still overflowing quickly.

Damn it.

So what am I going to do now?

Bandage the hand.

Yes, I'd better off.

I must search for gauzes and bandages.

I went to the bathroom. My mother always had a medicine cabinet.

I found there everything I needed to heal me up. But it hurt so much.

I took my hand under the tap water.

Damn, this didn't look good. But I'd better off not to say anything.

You won't say anything.

I won't say anything.

Shut up.

I'll shut me up.

Shut up.

I know, shut the fuck up!

It hurts. But doesn't hurt much as my inside.

Blood.

Yes. I'd hurt my hand. I could clearly see some deep cuts that refilled with a red liquid instantly.

God, but this really hurts.

But I didn't care. Any physical pain was better than the one within.

As evening passed by, my hand was inflaming more and more. The bleeding stopped though the bandages were stained and I shall change them again…. When I looked at the injuries, they looked pretty bad. I felt tremendously bad. But I won't worry anyone. Not because of this. I wouldn't. I decided to keep quiet.

Unless my mother.

Don't tell her.

I won't, but… how can I conceal it?

Just don't show it once you're in front of her. You wouldn't like to worry her, would you?

No. Not that. I don't want to worry her anymore. She has enough things on her head. A so horrible and useless daughter like me was all she needed.

I agree with you. You're useless.

Then I'll hide this to everyone. But what will I do at the institute? I can't conceal something like this, can I?

Yes you can, you don't have to worry, as no-one ever notices you. That's what you've always pretended, isn't it? Not to let anyone know who you are.

The swelled hand. Cuts weren't pleasant to see. More gauzes and bandages. I couldn't even touch it. It hurt so much, but what I felt in my heart took my off. And somehow that relieved me.

I finally bind up, though I know it won't do so much. But at least the bleeding would stop before it'd started again.

The best would be to hide something like this.

The following days, nobody noticed anything. No-one even asked me why I was wearing that bandage. And at home, my mother would be another week outside. My brother almost never went through home, just to sleep. I spent all the time avoiding Nanoha, but it seemed she was going to keep insisting.

But my hand…

Was worsening. Recently I felt sick very often. And when I changed the bandages, the injuries looked even worse. I had a temperature almost always. The pain was so unbearable that I couldn't move sometimes.

I scarcely had a bite to eat.

I felt nauseated.

And the painkillers I took didn't make me anything. I was going to the chemist's every other minute, asking for something stronger. But I felt the same with all of them.

I was going crazy.

Yes, you're crazy. One day you won't be able to stand up from bed and you'll rot on it.

Shut up!

The worst time was playing basket during class. I caught the ball with the wounded hand without noticing, I thought I was going to faint because of the pain. And it started bleeding again, staining the bandages.

I started feeling sick and my vision was blurring.

I had to stop dead.

I just went blank, and found Nanoha staring at me.

Watching me from the stands.

I'd squatted, leaning my left hand on the knee, while hiding the other hand, trying to conceal. I didn't want anyone to see those white bandages turning red. My breath was laboured and the damned temperature was wearing me out.

I wasn't going to faint there. I couldn't, because they'll find out about my hand and everybody will worry.

The teacher came closer to me, worried.

"Harlaown, are you okay?"

She squatted to see my face.

"Y… Yeah, I'm fine."

No, you're not fine. The pain and discomfort keeps worsening and the pills you're taking don't fade the temperature enough. You've taking them every hour and it doesn't fade anyway.

I watched covertly the hand. Blinked a few times trying to focus the sight. The teacher kept speaking but I didn't hear anything.

Everything started to spin around, and when I stood up, I staggered a bit. I smiled, didn't know how. And told her I needed to go to the toilets.

It hurts.

Damned hand, the pain was more than unbearable.

Pain.

It felt like tearing.

Pain.

If my mother sees it, she could kill me because I didn't tell her anything.

Pain.

I arrived to the toilets almost holding on the walls.

Pain.

Shut the fuck up, bloody hell!

I washed my face the best I could. The temperature didn't fade, pills normally faded it a bit, but they weren't doing anything since two days. I ironically smiled.

"I should visit a… doctor…" I whispered.

A figure at the door attracted my attention. I felt like drunk.

After that… my body didn't bear anymore…

And I felt that figure running to pick me up.

I'd felt so faint that I'd lost my balance.

Don't faint.

That's what I'm trying.

Don't faint.

I don't want to.

Don't faint.

I'm strong, I won't.

"Fate-chan… what's going on with you?"

I opened my eyes and made out Nanoha, holding me.

"Nanoha… oh… no… nothing, it's ju… just that I ate something that made me sick."

She slipped her fingers through my forehead.

No.

I was already lost.

"Oh my God Fate-chan, you have much a temperature."

Damn it. I sat up as I could and sharply moved her hand away.

"No… leave me alone. Don't touch me…"

God, what a pain. I didn't know what hurt more. I was dying for her… I could die just by watching her. That would mean the sweetest death for me.

"Fate-chan please, this isn't just something that made you sick. And I've been figuring out these days what happens in your hand. Your temperature is very high. Let's go to the nursery."

I shut and squeezed my eyes strongly.

"NO! LEAVE ME ALONE!"

I didn't want anything from her.

No.

No.

No…

I went out running… didn't even know how…

I ran…

Ran…

Ran…

Just wanted to escape…

Just… wished to…

Escape…


Author Note

So you may say, what the hell is this? Well, another of my crazy stories. I don't know where this fic came from. Don't ask me about it. I was just listening to Nana Mizuki and started writing, and once I noticed, I'd filled 27 pages. They seem so much regarding these terms, but it's not much than 7000 words. So I only expect you to understand what I pretend to say in this fic. Best regards and see you on the next chapter. And don't worry; I won't leave 7 days or short stories. I'll stay here for a long time so I still have enough time to keep writing. ^^

Translator Note

Well, it is the very first fic I translate from Spanish to English, so you might notice lots of mistakes, grammatical and lexical ones, so I say sorry. I'd like them not to interfere much with the plot development.