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love for TIVA! love for you!

a big thanks to ''.Lamb' she did a great job editing this chapter! :D

Chapter 1: Everything I own.

You never really leave a place or person you love, part of them you take with you, leaving a part of yourself behind.

Ziva's apartment, Washington DC

When Ziva woke up that morning she had no idea her life was going to change the way it did. She looked at the empty space next to her. That was strange, hadn't Tony stayed over yesterday? She smiled, when she thought of the last two months. They started dating. And, although she hadn't forgiven him yet for what had happened to Rivkin, things were finally starting to work out very well for the both of them. When she stood up, she noticed two envelopes on the nightstand. The first one was addressed to her, the second to 'Team Gibbs'. She sat against her bed and read the letter addressed to her.

Dear Ziva,

I'm sorry I have to leave like this, only leaving a letter. I really am sorry. But this is the only way, for me and for you. It's better this way, for everyone. You know, I always thought NCIS was where I belonged; I thought that it was where I needed to be—it was where I wanted to be. NCIS was my home for a long time. But now it's just not like that anymore,

We've all changed so much in the past year. And it just doesn't feel right anymore. I wouldn't leave if I thought this had a chance. If we had a chance. If I'd thought there were any chance at all that this could work, I would have stayed. I would've fought for us until the very end, but I don't believe we have a chance anymore. If I would've thought there was any way, any way at all that you could forgive me for what I've done, for what has happened to you, because of that, I would have fought. But it's all right. I understand.

You have no idea how much I hate myself for putting you through that. For everything I did. I would do it different now. But we both know I never really had a choice. I thought I was doing the right thing. I know you've tried to forgive me. And I'm really glad you tried. The last months with you were amazing. But they weren't how they should be. This isn't how it was supposed to be. I can't do it anymore. I keep telling myself that you've forgiven me, even when I know you haven't. I can see it in your eyes, Ziva.

Every time I kiss you, there's something deep in your eyes saying that you hate me. The doubt in your eyes has caused me so much pain. You know I love you, and I know you love me to. I know you gave it your best shot. So I guess now's the time to go. Time to say goodbye. Time will pass. Pain will ease. Memories will fade, but they will never be forgotten. My dearest Ziva, I've loved you for so long, first as a friend, later as something more. I just can't bear that look in your eyes. I can't bear to see you in pain like that. Don't come looking for me. I don't want to be found. Tell everyone I love them, and that I'll never forget them. I'm so sorry.

Love Always,

Tony.

Ziva started crying when she read the letter. She ran toward the closet and pulled it open. Tony had some of his clothes hanging there, so he could stay with her without having to go to his apartment and change. She had a couple of clothes hanging in his house, too. The clothes were gone. Ziva really started crying now. She ran to the kitchen, but Tony wasn't there either. He really was gone now. She couldn't believe it. It was not like Tony to run away.

She went to sit down on the couch. Part of her even felt relieved. That was the worst part of it all. It wasn't facing guilt, because it really was her fault that he was gone. It wasn't the madness, because she hadn't done anything when she saw something was wrong. It wasn't the sadness, because he was gone. It wasn't the feeling like something inside of her had died. It was none of that all. It was the relief.

She felt like Ziva again. Part of her was gone, lost in Somalia, and now she had found it. She had changed, definitely. She'd become more human. More sensitive. And she didn't exactly like all the changes. She had always loved Tony; he had been like a brother in the beginning. And then, she noticed the jealousy she felt when he was dating Jeanne. She realized, he was more than a brother. She started dating Michael, and she really liked him. Everything felt right. And then Tony shot him. She hated him so much. It was like the part of her that had finally been happy was gone, and he had ruined it for her.

Then came and rescued her, risking his own life. And she knew Tony had been honest in his letter, he'd been right. Absolutely 100 percent right. She hadn't forgiven him yet for the whole Rivkin situation. But she was so happy when they started dating. Tony had been friendly and courteous the whole time she'd been back. Although she hadn't actually deserved it. He took her out to dinner; he surprised her by showing up at her apartment. He was great, and then they slowly started dating. It had been so amazing.

She blamed herself for his leaving. She knew the next couple of weeks would be tough, but she knew she could handle it. She thought back at the last three months. She had liked the simple things the most. Just watching a movie on the couch, ordering a pizza, telling each other stories from their past. Tony had not only been her boyfriend, he had been her best friend, her support. He was her fallback whenever something went wrong. The person to go to with her problems, or just a simple conversation. He was her partner for four years, her hero in Somalia. He really was her everything.

And still, she couldn't forgive him. It was like her mind was looking for a reason to doubt him, to warn her she was going to be hurt. It was right.

She always knew it was a risky thing, starting a relationship with him. She listened to her heart, but her mind doubted. She felt like she needed to transform his leaving into something good. She had the chance to be the good, old Ziva again. She knew she could do it. She smiled. She finally had a goal in front of her. It has been so long ago. And she knew she should never forget Tony. And that she'd never stop loving him. But maybe he was right, maybe this was better for the both of them. A new beginning, a fresh start.

She dried her tears, showered, grabbed the letters, and left for NCIS.

NCIS headquarters, Washington DC

The tension in the bullpen was almost unbearable, Ziva explained that Tony had left; they read the letter he wrote to her together. Ziva and Abby were crying. McGee was standing motionless in the middle of the room. Gibbs was looking blank, he looked like his thoughts were everywhere except there, in the bullpen. Ducky was trying to comfort Abby by talking to her silently. It wasn't really helping, but he was trying.

Ziva just sat there, on the ground. Her back pressed against the front of her desk. She was staring to nothing in particular. Using all her strength to not starting to cry again. Director Vance was watching all this from a distance. To scared to get really involved. Team Gibbs was always close. And now one of them had left, he didn't know how they were going to react.

It was McGee who broke the silence. "Maybe we should read the letter he wrote to all of us?" Nobody reacted until Gibbs nodded, so that was McGee's signal to start reading.

Hi everyone,

So now, I guess by now Ziva has told you that I'm gone, well she's right. I couldn't stay here any longer, for many reasons. Those reasons don't matter. What matters is that all of you should make the best of your lives.

McGee, I know you're going to be a fantastic senior agent. It's your turn now to. And I'm sorry about the bullying.

Abby, you're the best. I'll miss hanging out with you. Seeing you freak when you don't have enough Caff-Pow.

Ducky, dear Ducky, I'll miss your story's, the way you could talk to corpses like no one else could.

Gibbs, boss. Thank you, for everything you've learned me. You're the best in your job. I am where I am because of you. So thanks, again.

Director Vance, you're a great director, you always respect people, so people always respect you. You're a great person.

Dear Ziva, thank you for being my partner for the last four years. You've saved my life. You're the best partner anyone can wish.

Palmer. You're going to graduate med school, and after that. I'll know you'll be a great medical examiner.

I found a family when I met you all. I found a home in NCIS. But sometimes you have to leave home. I truly had the best time here. We've all made mistakes. We've fought. A lot. But when I say you're the greatest people I've ever met, I'm not lying here you know that. Just know, I can't live here anymore. I owe you all a thank you. I send you all my love and everlasting respect.

I ask you all, please do not come looking for me. I'll send e-mails when I can. Don't trace them. You are all great people. It was an honor working with you all. Go your own way. Go confident in the direction of your dreams, live the life you have always imagined.

Goodbye,

Tony.

In the envelope, they found a couple of pictures Tony collected in the years that he worked for NCIS. They found his resignation papers, addressed to Vance. The bullpen was completely silent now. Except for Abby's crying. They were all looking in front of themselves, thinking over the words Tony wrote. He'd been honest, as the good old Tony they knew. They all thought of the ways Tony had influenced the team. Sometimes good, sometimes bad. Tony had been right. He had been right all along. The team truly was like a family. They did made mistakes, but they were always made right.

In the days that went by, they found that Tony had been planning his leaving for quite some time. The drawers of his desk had been emptied, his clothes were gone from his apartment, and he had hired a marketing office to sell his apartment. Abby respected Tony's wish, and didn't look for him. And McGee became senior agent.

An airplane, on its way to New York

Tony was sitting on the plane to New York, he was thinking over the things that had happened the last couple of hours. He had done the most difficult thing he could ever do. He thought it would've been nearly impossible, but everything considered, it all went pretty fine. He hadn't had a choice. Ziva couldn't forgive him. He had learned everything he could from Gibbs. It was time to let McGee become a senior agent. He knew it would take some time to get over it all.

He missed everything about NCIS, but he knew he couldn't face Ziva every day, not when she hated him like he knew she did. He was on his way to a new job. He was going to work as a teacher. He would give practical and theoretical study of film and television, at NYU. He had changed his name in Tony Dinardo, the undercover name he'd used a couple of years ago. Back in the days he was dating Jeanne.

In a way he was looking forward to a new start. Not being an agent anymore would be an adjustment, but he had to put the past in the past. And a new career and name was just a start.

In his first days at work nothing special happened. The school term started again, and Tony noticed that he actually liked teaching. He was even good at it. He very quickly became one of the most popular teachers at the university. He was known for his passion for film, the sympathy and respect he showed toward the students and his zero tolerance for drugs.

NCIS headquarters, Washington DC

Tony's leaving had its influence on everyone; Abby and McGee grew closer to each other, while they were dealing with the loss of Tony. Gibbs was stricter than ever, and grumpier than they remembered him to be. Ziva soon started dating different men, when she tried to get over Tony, Ducky was quieter, but in a way he was still the same.

There was a new probie introduced, Conner Santiago. He soon became friends with Ziva, but had troubles being accepted by Abby, McGee, and Gibbs. Abby stayed mad at Ziva, but McGee had soon forgiven her. The longer he was gone, the more they started to get accustomed to his absence. They all started to realize what he had meant for them.

Tony gave everything a little twist. He was a master in turning situations uncomfortable, but he always made sure they were happy. His never-ending commentary on movies was annoying but reliable. And when it really came to the point they needed help, he was there for them. Everything went on as it should be, they worked on cases, Gibbs still gave head slaps. Life went on.

Even without Tony.

Abby started sending messages to Tony on a regular basis. He never told her where he was, but he talked about his life. He would ask how they were all doing. Ziva had changed when she came back from Somalia, but now she was the old Ziva they all remembered.

NYU, New York

Tony had fun teaching. His students respected him, and his class had become one of the largest in the university. Even students who weren't in his class came to see if the stories were true, and he really was a good teacher.

He missed solving crimes, and he missed his friends back in DC, but there were things he didn't miss. Telling people their husband or wife, their brother or sister, their son or daughter had died. He didn't miss the disappointment in Ziva's eyes, but he did miss Ziva. He didn't regret his decision to leave. It had been the right thing. And even thought he still cared for them all, he couldn't go back. He talked with Abby. And McGee texted him sometimes. But it wasn't the same. And in a way that was good.

From Abby he knew Ziva had started dating the new probie, and he was happy for her. McGee had become senior agent, and asked him advice, when he needed it. He often thought of his life in DC, the life he had left behind. But he was happy now. It all went right.

When the class was finished Tony called a certain Elle Rivers to his desk. She was older than most of his other students. And he'd seen enough messed up people to know something wasn't right with this girl. He had a feeling this girl was in trouble. So when she came to him after the class had finished, she was surprised he'd mentioned something about her. He asked her how she was doing, if she could use someone to talk. Elle started crying. This was the first time someone had actually asked her how she was. Someone who noticed something wasn't right.

Tony took her with him into his office. They sat down for a cup of coffee, and she told him everything. Tony found out this girl was one of the many unnoticed victims of child abuse. She was still living at home, so she saw her father every day. She told him the whole story; everything came out at once.

Tony felt different with this girl than he did with his other students. He felt connected with her, in one way or another. Of course he cared about them all, but this girl had something honest in her eyes. They started to talk; he helped her look for an apartment. He helped her look for a job. And before they knew, they started to become friends. They started to hang out. Elle felt great, she'd finally found someone she could talk to, and Tony had finally found a way to get over Ziva. They got to know each other, and soon they became best friends.