He turned and lean against the wall as memories of Kathryn kept assaulting his senses.
Fear, despair and anger had been his constant companions since Kathryn had been taken. Fear that she was dead, despair at not being able to find her and anger at the people who had taken her. Chakotay and Kathryn had been aware of the threats and had taken extensive measures to insure her safety. And in one ridiculous, outrageous tactical assault they had managed to take her from right under their noses.
He should have known a past like his was not an easy one to erase. He should not have taken any chances with her safety. He had known the dangers of once again being in the Alpha Quadrant; he was no longer able to hide what and who he had been. And yet he had put her in danger by trying to forget the Maquis Captain. The tactical genius that had been Starfleet's target for many years.
His past with the Maquis had been the reason, after he and Kathryn had gotten together, that he had asked her to keep it a secret. To keep her safe, and untouched by the repulsive, unethical actions and alliances that he had been forced to make in his fight against the Federation. To keep her safe from the people he had been forced to make alliances with in order to protect the victims of the Federation's arrogance. The "enemy of my enemy is my friend" had provided comfort in those moments but now they only made him sick. He pressed his fists to his head trying to keep the guilt and fear that ran continuously, as if on a loop, under control. When he had been thrown 70 light years away from everything he knew, he had seen it as a chance to leave his past behind and try to be the man he would have been had his family not been killed by the Cardassians.
He never imagined that when he met up with Kathryn Janeway on the other side of the Delta Quadrant he would find his salvation in the strong, stubborn, beautiful, gentle, loving generous Captain of the Starship Voyager.
He had wanted to hate her when he met her. Destroy her and her ship along with the Starfleet rules and ideals she held on to, as if they were a child she was protecting, in her strong capable arms. She had fought all of them; her crew, his crew, even Tuvok, when they had wanted to take the easy way out and throw away the rule book to find an easier, faster way to get home. As he fought her, and her damn rules, he never lied to himself that he wasn't completed enthralled with the beautiful, feisty Captain from the moment he met her. She had slammed into his heart, with the force of a torpedo, like everything else she did. He knew in his heart, even as his head fought him, that he would do as she commanded the moment he had beamed aboard her ship.
In Kathryn Janeway he met a beautiful, devastated soul that empathized with the deep pain of losing the ones you loved. While it was true that she had not lost all her tribe and family in a devastating attack by the Cardassians, she had suffered her own kind of loss. She had lost her father and fiancée in a shuttle accident and the guilt of not being able to save either one of them had made her spiral into a deep depression. She had suffered as he had, the only difference was that he had used anger to get past his loss and she had hung on to her guilt to live with hers.
Chakotay, in dealing with his loss, had joined the Maquis. His anger had led him into dangerous situations and into alliances with questionable, dangerous, ruthless people. Kathryn had dove into her career and had been on the fast track to the admiralty when she had been taken by the caretaker. He had made the decision to never give up the present in fear of the future loss and pain that he might suffer. She had allowed her present to be ruled by the fear of losing the people she cared for and loved.
She had caused them both to suffer by not allowing them to acknowledge and experience the love that had blossomed between them. She had never given him a reason to believe that their relationship would progress into something more while out in the Delta Quadrant. He had been willing to give up the intimate aspect of their relationship as long as they shared everything else. Her friendship was like salve to his broken heart. He had depended on their friendship to get through the worst the Delta Quadrant had given them.
When without warning or reason, after the Ransom incident, she had pulled her friendship away it had sent him into a deep, dark depression. Lost and in despair he had turned to the only person on the ship who was so unaware of her own surroundings that she had been willing to enter into a relationship with a man that was so obviously in love with someone else.
As much as he regretted his involvement with Seven, the memory still making him feel chagrined, he was happy that the her fear of losing him to another in life had made the fear of losing him to death tamp her fears down and take a chance on them, on their love. He had been surprised when she had shown up outside of his quarters a few days before they would finally be allowed to start their forced time off. His closed his eyes letting his mind wondered to the night she had finally come to him.
"Just a minute" he called out as the person, on the other side of his quarters, once again impatiently rang his chime. When he his door slid open he was surprised by who stood there. Kathryn Janeway, looking more enchanting then ever, in a blue silk nightgown. Chakotay was mesmerized by the sight of her was unable to move as he took her in. Her nervous glanced to the side had him instantly on guard. She was standing rigidly and looked more nervous than Chakotay had ever seen her. "Kathryn" he said her name softly to get her attention and was amazed at how she calmed immediately.
He knew immediately why she was standing there and he felt a wave of love overcome him at knowing that they were finally going to be together. He open his arms and showing none of the hesitation she had displayed earlier she walked into his waiting arms and nuzzled into his chest. Chakotay noticed she was barefoot, making her shorter then usual, but somehow fitting perfectly against his body. He immediately bent down and placed a sweet kiss on the crown of her head tightening his hold on her. She smelled of lavender and lilacs and something that was uniquely Kathryn making him feel heady and warm.
"Hi" he said softly as he pulled away to look her in the eyes. She was the most gorgeous creature he had ever laid eyes on and he knew, without her saying the words, that she was giving herself to him forever.
"Hi" she gave him a watery smile unable to keep her emotions at bay. She ran her small hands up his chest finally bringing them up to wrap around his neck. Unable to contain himself any longer he bent down and lifted her off the ground so that she was eye level with him.
"I've been waiting for you" he watched in fascination as she swallowed hard recognizing the possessive tone his voice had taken. "You are everything I have ever wanted and more." he whispered a hair's breath away from her lips. He didn't want to scare her but he was also unwilling to continue without her knowing exactly how much she meant to him. He knew that she had been afraid of letting herself become consumed by the love between them while still in the Delta Quadrant. Now that she was no longer in charge of the safety of over 150 people she could give into the intense feelings she felt for him and not feel guilty for not being 100% committed to their mission of getting home. She was ready to give him all that she had kept hidden from him in the last seven years. And he was ready to love her with all of his being.
"Chakotay" she gasped as he leaned down and started kissing his way down her jaw. His arms tighten around her bringing her as close to him as possible. The need to be one with her overwhelmed him and he had to braced them up against the wall to keep his legs from buckling. He put up a hand up to keep himself from pressing her into the wall as he continue to place butterfly kisses on her cheeks, eyes, forehead and jaw line. He knew that it had been a long time since she had allowed herself to open herself up to the emotions she was feeling and he wanted to take his time and be gentle with her. They also needed to talk about what each one expected from this relationship. He expected forever and he wanted her to want the same. He looked in to her eyes, dark with desire, and had given into the urge to kiss her for the first time.
She responded to his kiss shyly and unsure at first her hands nervously bunching in his shirt. He'd pulled away and set her gently of her feet. "Kathryn" he said gently, unwilling to push her into something she was not ready for. The promise of her, here, with him was enough and he could wait for an eternity for her. She stood in front of him unable to look him in the eyes.
"Hey" he put a finger under her chin gently making her look at him "we don't have to do anything your not ready for. We don't have to do anything but talk." he kissed her temple "I will wait forever and even if this is all we ever share, it is more than enough" he kissed her cheek and pulled her in for a hug.
"I'm scared" she blurted as she wrapped her arms around her.
He looked down and gently, so as not to scare or embarrass her, he lowered his voice to a whisper. "Of what" he asked, at a lost as to what was running through that amazing mind of hers.
"We have waited seven years and I'm scared that you will be disappointed." she tensed in his arms.
He gently ran his hand down her back hoping to sooth her fears. Needing to put her fears at ease and to let her know that she didn't have to do or be anyone but herself. He pulled away taking her small hands between his larger ones. He turned and pulled her toward the couch where they could sit. "I want you to know" he lifted her soft hands to his lips and turned them over to plant a several gentle kisses on her palms. "I have had many fantasy of you" he smiled as she gasped when he moved his lips up to her wrist. "how could I not" she closed her eyes and he closed the distance between them by lifting her onto his lap. "When you would walk back and forth across the bridge or lean over Tom's chair giving me and anyone standing behind you a view of one of the most lovely behinds I have ever had the privilege of ogling" she looked up sharply a blush creeping up to her cheeks. He scooted back onto the couch as she smiled and wrapped her arms around his neck. "Do you have any idea how many cold baths I've had to take." she laughed at the wounded look he gave her. "Any time you decided to comfort me or support me by putting your hands on my chest" he rubbed his thumb back and forth as her pulse point started beating wildly "And these beautiful blue eyes" he bent down and kissed each of her closed eyes. "I know your scared" he kissed his way down her jaw finally replacing his thumb, which had been caressing her pulse point, with his lips. "We are crossing a line that we thought was closed to us forever" he felt her breath hitch "Its finally our time" he felt her hands squeeze his as she tensed at the words. "Don't ever be afraid to disappoint me, because nothing you do could ever cause me not to love you forever" he moved his lips to within centimeters of her lips so that they were now breathing the same air. "Nothing" he wanted it to be her decision and so he hovered until she was ready to initiate the kiss herself.
When she finally closed the distance between them he took his time introducing her to the feel of his body, hands and lips. His hands caressed the soft contours of her body. The heat of their bodies melting into each other. He gently laid her down of the couch his weight pushing her further into the cushions of the couch. His lips barely grazed her lips as he licked and nipped gently letting her get used to him. Not until he felt her moan deep in her throat did he deepen the kiss, his tongue sweeping around the inside of her mouth.
Kathryn whimpered as a flood of emotions began coursing through her. She grasped at him, needing to feel the full length of him against her. Kathryn shuddered and moaned, suckling at his lips greedily. She tangled her hand in his hair tugging at him. One taste of him and she became greedy, wanting to consume him. They finally came apart both gasping for air. She could feel his warm breath on her face, their faces so close they were breathing the same air.
Kathryn looked up at him and began unbuttoning his shirt. He groaned as her small hands clumsily moved over his chest. They were savoring the moment; they had longed for it – they deserved to take their time. Needing to feel her soft, warm skin Chakotay pulled her up so he could pull her nightgown off. He was mesmerized by the beauty in front of him, he wondered if her would ever get use to this beautiful women choosing to be with him. Once her nightgown and his shirt were off he kissed her again. As skin touched skin they both sighed in complete and utter bliss.
At some point, between the kissing and love making, exhaustion overtook Kathryn and she had nodded off. Chakotay had laid on his back with Kathryn half laying on him; her warm soft body curled around him. She had snuggled closer into his chest seeking his warmth as Chakotay softly caressed her back not wanting to wake her but needing to still touch her.
He remembered how beautiful she had looked; her hair mussed and her thoroughly kissed lips burned into his memory. His wary soul had felt energized by the love enveloping them in the silence of his quarters. He knew he should have warned her before he made love to her but he had allowed his selfishness to dictate his actions. And now she was in danger of losing her life because she had taken a risk and loved him.
