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Warning/Trigger warning for references to assault in this chapter.
Rollin's sat on her bed, knees drawn to her chest, rocking forth and back, trying to keep the tears from slipping from her eyelids. The sadness had overcome her once again, but even more so, it was the guilt.
"Stop. Pull yourself together, Amanda," she muttered to herself, trying to calm herself. "They don't need to find out how stupid you were."
She drew her hand up to her eye, feeling the skin around it, swollen, and burning with heat. It was definitely bruised, it had to be. How was she going to cover this up? They were obviously going to find out she had been beat up. They didn't need to know by whom, or how much further it really had went. They wouldn't see the bruises on her inner thighs, or her pride completely ripped from her body. She would say it was a mugging, they would believe her.. Right?
She pushed herself up off the bed, glancing at the clock, 7:00AM. She had half an hour to get to the station and act normal. She didn't have time to shower, to rid her body of the feeling and substance the too familiar man had left behind on her. She shook it from her head; she would come home at lunch and shower. She began to dress herself, trying to cover each and every bruise, scratch and bite mark that aligned her body. How worthless, she thought to herself.
She managed to get to the precinct by 7:20AM. She sighed as she entered the squad room and headed towards her desk. Fin and Nick weren't there yet, but she could hear Olivia on the phone in her office. She feared Olivia would see right through her lies, and she had no doubt she probably would.
She settled at her desk, typing away at her computer. Minutes had passed before Olivia emerged from her office.
"Where's Fin and Nick?" Olivia said, startling Amanda.
Amanda glanced up from her computer, revealing her battered face. She seen the look in Olivia's eyes, it was pity. She pretended she hadn't noticed, like nothing was wrong. "I don't know," she responded, "maybe they got an early call?" It had crossed her mind, it was strange they both weren't there.
"Amanda.." Olivia said, walking towards her, sympathetically. "What happened?"
Amanda could feel her face burning red, she was so embarrassed. Olivia had clearly noticed that which made her worry that this was no accident. "I was walking home last night, some teenagers got on me about my wallet, they wanted money. I didn't want to make a big deal out of it, don't worry," Amanda said, hesitantly. Her mind then flooded with flashbacks, with his face, the smell of his sweat, bile rising in her throat. She could feel her eyes flooding with water, threatening to drain out. She tried to blink them away.
Olivia could see the pain written across Amanda's face. She had no doubt as she seen Amanda's eyes fill with tears, that what Amanda had just told her was a flat out lie. Why couldn't she be honest with her, ever? Was this another gambling incident? She couldn't jump to conclusion, she didn't want to. She would give her the benefit of a doubt. Olivia looked around the squad room, then zoning in on Amanda. "Come on, in my office," she said calmly, trying not to let her voice sound disappointed.
Amanda got up from her desk, thoughts racing. Olivia knew. She just knew. She seen right through Amanda, just what she had feared. What was she going to tell her? She would tell all of the guys, which was the last thing she wanted right now. She felt sick again, her face burning, the room swaying. She followed Olivia over to the couch in her office, swaying before sitting down. Her whole body ached and burned.
Olivia noticed her almost fall before she sat down, worrying her even more. What the hell had happened? "This time, I want the truth," Olivia said, more sternly. "No more lies."
Amanda didn't expect Olivia to be so direct, but here she was, and after the tone Olivia had used she felt nervous, like she wanted to shy away, not tell anyone. She was afraid Olivia would get mad. "I – uh, I'm sorry, Liv," Amanda blurted out, not wanting to continue. Trying to avoid the upcoming words of what really had happened to her. "I was out last night, I got myself in a bad situation," she said, starting to reveal little details of what had happened.
Olivia got a bad feeling in her stomach when she heard, 'I got myself in a bad situation,' She worried this was a lot worse than she had thought. Maybe it wasn't gambling, after all. "What kind of situation?"
"I ran into an old colleague, from Atlanta," Amanda replied, turning redder. "I don't know why he was in town, but anyway, we decided to go back to my place for drinks, catch up, y'know?"
Olivia nodded for Amanda to keep going. As soon as she heard the word 'Atlanta,' she had her own assumptions of what had happened. Surely this had nothing to do with Paton though.
"Anyway, I got pretty drunk, it was my own fault," Amanda said, feeling tears prick her eyes, "I brought him to my apartment, from a bar, what should I expect? I led him on… Obviously when I didn't follow through, say yes, he got a little rough. I just, uh – let him down, I guess. But it's no big deal; I'm fine. He's fine. It's done." Amanda said, catching the first tear to spring from her eye with her finger. She looked away from Olivia. How pathetic did she think she was now?
"So, he hit you, when you said no?" Olivia asked, the feeling in her stomach growing, making her want to throw up.
Amanda nodded, still not meeting her eyes. She had never felt such shame in her life. Why had she told Olivia any of this?
"Just your eye?"
Amanda chuckled, like, yeah right. "No," she said, a tear falling down her face. She was quick to wipe it away.
"Where else?"
Amanda felt like she was going to puke, having to expose details of her assault. "My stomach, my arms.." she choked out.
"And then?" Olivia asked, trying to get her to go on. She could see Amanda zoning out, which made her worry her fear was true. "Did he force you?" She didn't want to use the 'R' word right yet.
The bile was rising in her throat, she got up, stumbling a little, and darted to the trashcan throwing up. All she had was stomach bile; she hadn't been able to eat. She dry heaved for a few minutes. She could see from the corner of her eye, Olivia standing there, which made her even more embarrassed. She stood up slowly, steadying herself by holding onto the wall.
Olivia figured by her upchucking that her answer was a yes, that she had been raped. Olivia put her hand to her forehead, trying to figure out what to say, what to do. When everything happened with Paton, she had not been there. This time she wanted it to be different. She was used to doing this with other victims, people she didn't know, but this was Amanda. Although their relationship was complicated and at times, quite estranged and tense, she really did care for her. She could only imagine how she was feeling. "Have you been to the hospital?"
Amanda turned back to face Olivia. "No."
"Okay.." Olivia sighed, "well, will you let me take you? At least to get checked out?"
Amanda's first thought was no way in hell. But her ribs were burning so bad it almost made her change her mind. Just because she went to the hospital doesn't mean she would have to report anything. She knew that. She nodded her head, agreeing to go.
Olivia walked behind her desk, grabbed her purse and keys and led Amanda out the door. They were out to Olivia's car in no time, the whole walk in complete silence.
Once inside the car, pulling out of the precinct, Amanda looked over to Olivia. She couldn't tell if she was disappointed, sad, or angry with her. "I'm sorry," she said, quietly, but loud enough for Olivia to hear her.
Olivia looked over to her, sympathy written all over her face. "Don't be sorry about what happened to you last night, ever – okay? That was not your fault." Olivia knew how hard it was to believe that though, between her multiple assaults, she struggled a lot with accepting none of it had been her fault. Many times she felt she was in over her head.
They pulled up to the hospital in a matter of minutes. Before Amanda knew, her name was being called by a nurse to go see a doctor.
Amanda looked to Olivia, giving her permission to go in with her. As embarrassing as this was, she really didn't want to be alone. Olivia walked beside Amanda, entering into a room with a bed and chairs.
"The doctor will be in with you shortly," the nurse said smiling, closing the door behind her.
"Do you want me to stay?" Olivia asked.
"If you don't mind," Amanda said. "But if you don't want to, or if you have things to do, feel free to go. I don't wanna hold you up."
"I'm staying," Olivia said, smiling, taking a seat next to the bed.
Amanda climbed onto the bed, wincing, hoping Olivia didn't notice. Soon enough, she would know the damage though.
The door opened and in came a doctor. A middle-aged woman with dark hair. "Hi, I'm one of the doctor's in the ER today. You must be Amanda?"
Amanda nodded.
"So, what brings you here?"
Amanda looked at Olivia. She felt sick again, the words just weren't coming. She couldn't say it again. Olivia saw Amanda struggling and stepped in.
"She was assaulted last night." Olivia looked to Amanda and the doctor, "physically and sexually."
"I just want to make sure nothing's wrong," Amanda blurted out.
The doctor wrote a few things down on her clipboard and moved over towards Amanda. "I'm sorry," she said, "I'm going to need to examine you. Is there anywhere that's particularly painful?"
"My stomach."
The doctor moved towards Amanda, pulling up the hem of her shirt. The black, purple and blue bruises just about covered her whole stomach. "Okay, I'm going to send you for an x-ray for that. There is extensive bruising which makes me worried about possibly a fractured rib or internal damage. I'm also going to have you do a rape kit, with your permission, of course. It may take a little while, but a nurse will be in to take you for your x-ray and perform the examination. If you could just hang tight for a while?"
Amanda nodded, pulling her shirt back down to cover herself. The doctor left the room then.