Naruto Hates Fanfiction
Rated: T for language and implied themes
Summary: The characters of Naruto don't like it when us writers screw with them…WARNING: I was high on a mixture of Pixie Stix, Smarties, Pepsi and sleep deprivation when I wrote this. Click if you dare.
Key: Normal-speaking
Bold-thinking
Italicized-reading
Disclaimer: I dont own Naruto. But it would be funny as hell if i did.
Naruto: Hey, guys, look what I found on the Internet.
Sakura: What is it, Naruto?
Naruto: Sasuke, you come look too.
Sasuke: I'm better off not knowing, dobe.
Naruto: Get your ass over here or I'll call all your fangirls—all 14, 569 of them—and tell them you are an emo gay bastard.
Sasuke: …you wouldn't…
Naruto: Try me. Phone calls, emails, texts, internet bulletins…
Sasuke: If he tells them I'm emo, I'll gain a whole new crowd of fangirls. If he tells them I'm gay, they be following me around even more, waiting for me to kiss a guy! Why do girls love that so much? Gah! If Naruto does that, I'll never get rid of them! Hn. Whatever, dobe.
Sasuke walks over.
Naruto: (gestures at computer screen) Look. I found a fanfiction website about us.
Sasuke: A what?
Sakura: Fanfiction. It's what they call things people write after they read our manga or watch our show.
Sasuke: Hn.
Sakura: But of course you probably knew that already, Sasuke-kun. You're so cool…(stares dreamily)
Naruto: Oi, Sakura, you're drooling on my keyboard. Hey, this one looks cool. (CLICK) Bastard, this one's got you and me in it!
"Nngh, bastard," Naruto moaned. His fingers weaved themselves in the dark hair of his lover…
Sakura: O.o omfg.
Sasuke: --
Naruto: WTF?!
Sakura: Naruto, you aren't supposed to be reading these kinds of things! This is almost worse than Kakashi-sensei's books…
Kakashi: (pokes head in window) Is Naruto on a PORNO website?
Naruto: What? NO!
Sasuke: He's not, but what he IS on is not much better.
Naruto: It's not MY fault that a couple of fangirls think it would be hot if you and I hooked up.
Kakashi: You and Sasuke? A couple fangirls? Shit, Naruto, there's a couple THOUSAND who think you and Sasuke should hook up.
Naruto: WHAT?!
Sasuke: Don't shout so loudly, dobe. You're hurting my ears.
Naruto: Why aren't YOU yelling, teme? (squints) Hehe is it maybe because you secretly WANT us to hook up?
Sasuke: (glares death upon a certain blonde boy)
-Momentary Interlude- (Big words meaning short break)
While Naruto ices his newly-received black eye in the kitchen, out in the living room…
Sakura: I'm not saying that Naruto didn't deserve it…
Sasuke: Because he did.
Kakashi: And you don't dare argue with the great Sasuke Uchiha. Because all of his decisions have turned out wonderfully. (rolls eyes)
Sasuke: Hn.
Kakashi: Is a recap necessary? Fine then: your fight against Rock Lee, your fight against Gaara, fighting your brother which landed you in a coma for x-amount of weeks, leaving the village, coming back when you realized Orochimaru was a serial rapist (A/N: lmao Orochimaru does seem like the type, doesn't he?)…
Sasuke: (grunts) Okay. Maybe I DIDN'T think that Orochimaru-thing out well enough…
Kakashi: And that's not even mentioning the time you got yourself, Kiba, Sakura and Naruto totally wasted.
Sasuke: (scowls and growls) (A/N: it rhymes!) First off, you're the one who didn't tell me it was sake before you gave it to us. And second, it is not my fault that Sakura and the dobe both have extremely low tolerances for alcohol.
Sakura: ANWAY, as I was saying, not that Naruto didn't deserve to get hit, Sasuke-kun…But, um, it's not his fault. Really, you should blame the writers of those fanfictions.
Sasuke: Hn.
Inner Sakura: Chaaa! Sasuke is so coooool!!
Kakashi: Maybe they aren't all bad. Some of them must be decent. (chuckles evilly) Here's another one with you, Sasuke.
Sasuke: (glares) If it's another gay one, I will kill you.
Kakashi: (CLICK)
Sasuke saw her then, the girl of his dreams. He kissed her passionately under the full moon, whispering her name. "Sakura."
Sakura: (eyes big and shiny. Hands are clasped together) Oh!
Inner Sakura: CHAAAAAAAAA!! I LOVE FANFICTIONS!!
Sasuke: (looks like he wants to slam his head into a brick building a few thousand times) I hate you, Kakashi.
Kakashi: Don't hate the reader, hate the writer. (shrugs) Let's see if we can find one with me…
Naruto: (walks in with a bag of frozen peas on his eye) Hiya guys—
Kakashi: (reading out loud) Anko cried out in pleasure as Kakashi began to—
Naruto: ………you are making me really regret coming back out here.
Sasuke: This is making me regret buying you a computer.
Random Fangirl: Awww you bought Naruto-kun a computer! How sweet!
Sasuke: (twitch)
Naruto: When the hell did you get in here?!
Fangirl: So was that before or after you two started dating?
Naruto: I am not dating that bastard!
Fangirl: (waves her hand) That's what I said about my boyfriend too. But we both know it means nothing. So, have you two done it yet?
Sasuke: The blonde idiot is right. We aren't dating. Or sleeping together.
Fangirl: Riiiiiiiight. (nudges Sasuke)
Another Random Fangirl: (SQUEAL) OMIGOD OMIGOD! IT'S SASUKE-KUN! HI SASUKE-KUN!
Sasuke: Naruto, kill me now.
Naruto: I'd rather not get blood on the carpet.
Fangirl #2: (looks sad) Oh no! Naruto! You already got Sasuke?
Naruto & Sasuke: NO! WE ARE NOT TOGETHER!
Naruto: Not in any way, shape or form, dammit!
Fangirl #1: Aw, he's sexually frustrated.
Naruto: O.o WHAT THE HELL? GET OUT OF MY HOUSE! (opens door. Sees random Dr. Pepper can on the ground.) Why is there a can of soda on my doorstep?!
Dr. Pepper Can: Ya know I'm flava, flavalicious!
Naruto: (throws out Fangirl #1. looks around and realizes Fangirl #2 has chained herself to Sasuke's leg and is weeping hysterically.)
Fangirl #2: No, Sasuke-kun! Why don't you like me, Sasuke-kun?!
Sasuke: (realizes key is still in lock of chain. Unlocks)
After the fangirls have been thrown out…
Kakashi: (cackles) Oh, this kid is brilliant! Whoever wrote this is a Jiraiya Junior!
Naruto: Yay. Cuz the world needs that.
Sakura: (pushes Kakashi away from computer) There has to be SOMETHING clean on this website!
Naruto: Don't they have ratings for this stuff or something? Like M for Mature and P for Perverted?
Sasuke: How should I know, dobe? You're the one who discovered this lovely website.
Sakura: Okay, this looks safe.
Naruto: Lemme see!
-Fifteen Minutes and 21 Chapters Later-
Naruto: O.O That was NOT safe, Sakura! NOT safe!
Sasuke: You have to admit, it was cleaner than the others.
Naruto: EACH CHAPTER DESCRIBED ME WITH SOMEONE DIFFERENT!
Kakashi: (weakly) 21 chapters. 21 chapters and 18 of them was Naruto dating other guys.
Naruto: One of those chapters was me and Kakashi! AND ONE OF THOSE CHAPTERS WAS ME AND ROCK LEE! (grabs Sasuke's shoulders) ROCK LEE!!
Sasuke: I know, Naruto. I was there reading it with you.
Naruto: If this is CLEAN stuff, just imagine what DIRTY stuff people have written that we haven't even SEEN yet! Just imagine the horrors of what could be online RIGHT NOW, Sasuke!
Sasuke: I'd rather not.
Naruto: Male pregnancy, drunk people in gay bars, human sex enslavement…oh GOD what if they start righting about INCEST next?!
Kakashi: (staring at compute screen) Um, Naruto? They already have. They call is Uchihacest.
Sasuke: Me and ITACHI?! (gags)
Naruto: Holy shit what if they put Kakashi and Iruka together? Dear God!
Kakashi: Me and IRUKA? Iruka UMINO? They would never— (reads screen) FRICK! WHAT IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?!
Naruto: Mary Mother of God! Take me back to when I didn't know anything about this! I want my innocence back!
Sakura: (eyes glassy) Nose…bleeding…from…mental…images… .
Kakashi: Oh…my…shit…
Naruto: What? God, God, WHAT?
Kakashi: Worst. Pairing. Ever.
Sasuke: Stop being melodramatic.
Naruto: WHAT??
Kakashi: Sakura…and Jiraiya.
Sakura: O.O
Sasuke: O.O (twitch)
Naruto: O.O
Sasuke: WTF?!
Naruto: OMFG! JIRAIYA IS A PEDOPHILE! MY EYES! SOMEBODY GOUGE 'EM OUT! I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU USE, USE A RUSTY SPORK IF YOU WANT TO, JUST MAKE THE IMAGES STOP!!
Sakura: XP (faints from extreme mental and emotional scarring)
Naruto: OMFG IT KILLED SAKURA!
Kakashi: These people are so kinky, it's scary.
Sasuke: I hate fanfiction writers.
Kakashi: What do you think they smoke before they come up with these things?
Naruto: WHO DID THIS?! (sees me) YOU!
Me: What'd I do?
Naruto: YOU KILLED SAKURA!
Me: She fainted. And not my fault.
Naruto: This is YOUR FAULT! We wouldn't have known of the terrifying and dangerous world of fanfiction if you hadn't written this!
Me: Don't forget, this is still my story.
Naruto: So what? You are a curse to fictional characters and plots everywhere! (starts to strangle)
Sasuke is suddenly intensely attracted to Naruto.
Naruto: Nooo! NOOOO! Evil creature! Stop!
Me: Stop…(cough) choking…(wheeze)…
Naruto: (lets go)
Sasuke is back to normal. And is now glaring at me like he wants to kill me and then eat me.
Sasuke: Ew. That's disgusting. Now you are making me emo, bloodthirsty, AND cannibalistic?
Me: You were emo and bloodthirsty anyway. Blame Masashi Kishimoto for that if you must. But, yes, I added the cannibalism.
Sasuke: Now I WILL kill you.
Me: Don't hurt me!
The End
Sasuke: Damn it. She ended the fanfiction. We can't kill her.
Naruto: I AM STRAIGHT, GODDAMMIT!
Naruto really hates fanfiction.
What they didn't realize was that they were only looking at the fictions rated M. They didn't know there were normal, safer ones.
Naruto: GODDAMN YOU!!
A/N: Okay, its 1:11 a.m. when I finished this. I started it at 11: 45 or so. Yeah. This was random. I was up cuz I couldn't sleep and suddenly I was like, How would Naruto & co. react if they read the fanfictions online? So, BAM, here it is. My idea of their reaction. I was not mocking anyone or slamming any particular pairing. I'm sorry if it seemed that way. So…how was my attempt at humor?