Olivia's thoughts from Fault through the present.
Disclaimer: I own nothing.
What if. Two of the most common words spoken after a bad situation has taken place or been avoided. What if he had done this or she had done that, would things have gone this way?
I have been spending a lot of time focusing on this what ifs' from the last few years. A lot has happened and I wonder what could have happened if one event had gone differently.
What if I had been able to take the shot? Would Gitano gotten his shot off and killed Elliot like he said he would? Or would her have been brought I wounded but alive to be tried and serve the sentence he deserved? Not that he didn't deserve death after what he did to Ryan, Rebecca, and their family. I just would have enjoyed seeing him found guilty in court.
What if I had refused to go to Oregon? Elliot would have never had Dani Beck as a partner. He never would have kissed her. Maybe he would have kissed me instead. Oh, how I wish it would have happened that way.
What if he hadn't stayed that night? Kathy never would have gotten pregnant and asked him to move back home. Of course if it had been me he kissed that night instead of Dani he wouldn't have needed Kathy. He would have had me to go to. Not that I'm jealous or anything.
What if Fin had been too late? What if Harris had succeeded? Would I still be working at SVU? Would I have worked at all after that? It was hard enough to fight off the PTSD after just being assaulted. Would Elliot have been by my side supporting me if I had told him or would he have seen me as his weak partner he needs to save all the time? After all, he didn't want me to go undercover to begin with.
What if Kathy had died after delivering El? Would Elliot have accepted my help with his kids or blamed me and sent me away? The hug was a shock but very welcome. I don't wish Kathy had died but I can't help but wonder if we would have had a relationship if she had.
What if Stuckey had killed Elliot before I arrived? Or even worse what if he hadn't believed my charade and killed us both like he had planned? The only good thing that could have come from that would have been dying together. Morbid, right? I don't want either of us dead, I'm just not sure I could live without Elliot.
I'm sure by now you think I'm crazy but so much has happened, especially in the last year, that I find myself looking back. I stay awake at night thinking, I get distracted when doing paperwork wishing for one simple change.
What if Porter had missed Rojas or if Rojas had shot before he got there? How would Elliot have reacted? I know he would have killed Porter for harming me or getting me killed. He wanted to kill him anyway. I could sense that when he was holding me and put my hand on his leg to keep him from doing so. I just wonder if he would be as devastated if I died as I would be if he died.
What if the squad didn't find the evidence to prove my innocence? What if I had been found guilty and been thrown in jail? Would the squad continue to search for the one piece to get me out? Or would they have forgotten about me and continued on with their lives?
What if Sophie had shot me or Jo or if Melinda had died? I'm glad Elliot came in but I almost expected him to hold me again. Would he have carried me out if I had been shot? He can be heroic enough to do so but would he have done it for me?
"It was always temporary." Yeah, that made me mad, too. I loved Calvin like my own and wish I still had him. Elliot's embrace was nice but his words made me want to elbow him and run away with Calvin. Vivian doesn't deserve custody and to ship him off to grandparents he barely knew, if he knew them at all, when he was begging to stay with me? It just breaks my heart. He was calling himself Calvin Benson and now he's stuck as Calvin Arliss.
What if he had stayed with me? Would Vivian have let me adopt him? I doubt it but we can dream, right? Sleeping in my bed was difficult for a long time after he left. The picture he made me still hangs on my fridge in all its glory.
What if Elliot hadn't been in Quantico when Sonya died? Would she have lived? Would we have found the bastard before he got her? I was so relieved when I saw him come around the corner. The way he ran to me and held me. I wanted to cry and let him hold me forever but I pulled away before all the tears escaped. I forced myself to keep it together and we solved the case. I just wish Elliot had come to check on me that night.
What if Elliot hadn't been forced to shoot Jenna? Would he still be working at SVU? I understand his reasons for not wanting to stay but that doesn't mean I like it. It was hard enough dealing with everything else that happened this year but losing Sister Peg and then Elliot as a result was the hardest thing I've gone through.
What is just one of these situations had turned out differently? Would I still have Elliot? Would I be sitting here missing my partner, my best friend, the love of my life? Nick might turn out to be a decent partner but he will never be Elliot Stabler and that is hard to accept.
However, life must go on, so tomorrow I will wake up go to work and stare at the man across the desks from me and wish he was someone else.