Disclaimer: The only thing I own is the plot.... sigh, isn't that sad? Well, as soon as I'm Mistress Of The Universe (note the caps.), all that will change!! Mwahahahaaaa!! Big hugs and thanks to everyone who was so nice in reviewing me!! Let's see if I can remember all the names... (there aren't that many, but...)
Azulmisu
astheblackrosewilts
Dana-chu
TheDonutMistress
beautifulelf1
Sunny Dragoness
v.m.m
Nikki
...sorry if I've missed someone!!!
Thank you very much for being so cool!! Anyhoo, story idea came to me in a rather sleepy flash of inspiration... I mean, the Gundam pilots had to go to school like everyone else, right?? Pleez R&R and Xtine may come up with a new chappie!!
June 25 2004
SCHOOL DAYS
Prologue
It was the second week of school after Christmas break, and already the situation had become dire. Mr. Umihara had left to visit his family over the holidays, and had never returned to the school. In point of fact, he had never returned to the country.
Twelve substitute teachers in fourteen days had individually attempted to brave the classroom.
Ten teachers in fourteen days tendered their resignations.
Seven teachers in fourteen days were admitted to the nearest institution for psychoanalysis.
Only three were ever released back into the general populace.
There was only one choice left to the principal....
....It was time to call in a favour.
Day 1
Heero knew something was up the moment Duo arrived on the inaccurately named "playground". Nobody actually played at this school – they practiced. Practiced extortion, practiced their "persuasion tactics" by beating other students into bloody pulps, practiced statements for their impending hearings. After all, they were the sons and daughters of the richest people in Tokyo. Children of snobbish American business partners, expanding their influence to encompass the city. Wards of wealthy minor lordlings from England sent to terrorize someone else for a change. Extortion was merely "closing a great deal", beating into submission, "aggressive negotiation", working out a testimony...? "Planning ahead"; and great practice for the future lawyers. Besides, every child goes through some wild times in their youth, right?
They had learned long ago not to bother the sullen dark haired boy, who glared at the world through deep blue eyes filled with contempt. Heero wasn't worried about the machinations of his fellow students and their henchmen... they had more to fear form him.
But Duo was smiling. That's what worried Heero. Not the usual, guileless, comic relief grain, but a full out, 'Isn't-Life-Wonderful?' smile.
"Got a new sub coming in!" he chirped in a singsong voice.
Seeing Heero's expression grow thoughtful, then determined, Duo sighed and dope-smacked the Japanese baka....
...well, that was the plan at least....
"Ow! Shit, Heero! You're gonna break my freakin' wrist!! Sub, you moro—
owww! Ok! Uncle! As in substitute teacher! NOT as in Oz submarine!!"
Heero looked disappointed, reluctantly letting go of Duo's arm. "Oh." He sighed in tones of deep disgust. "Nothing interesting ever happens around here."
Duo left off massaging life back into his wrist to look blankly at his friend. "You wouldn't call the "duck incident" interesting?"
Heero scowled. "Did it involve our Gundams, Duo?"
"Well, no, but...."
"Did it involve Oz, Duo?"
"Not exactly. Still...."
"Did it involve explosions, machinery, or weapons of any sort?"
"Well, the paper clip was rather pointy...."
"DUO!"
A sigh. "No."
"Then, no, I wouldn't call it interesting."
Duo shrugged, shaking his head as if to say "well, I am right, but if you want to be stubborn and stupid, then I'll have to be the mature one." a claim that would have made Heero choke and reach for his gun.
Heero leaned against the white stone wall as Duo sighed heavily at the injustices of the world and flopped down on the stairs. Absently, the braided boy brushed his fingers over the smooth concrete.
"...and before the end of the day, it will be covered in obscenities, is that what you're thinking?"
Duo looked up with a smile. "If I have anything to do with it, then hell yeah!" he laughed. "'Sup, Quat'?"
Heero was staring at Wufei's katana in disbelief.
"How the hell did you get that past security?" he demanded. He had been obliged to climb the fence at the rear of the school to avoid his gun being confiscated. However, the sword was too clumsy to even consider such a manoeuvre....
Wufei raised one eyebrow. "Surprisingly enough, they didn't complain." He said mildly, wiping a thing trickle of blood from the blade with his thumb.
"He didn't kill anybody." Trowa assured Quatre quietly. "He just used some rather... persuasive methods."
"Ah-ha!" Duo exclaimed suddenly, leaping to his feet and almost knocking Wufei over in the process. Ignoring the outraged cry of 'KISAMA!!', behind him, he dashed across the play – er, practice-ground.
"Hey! Kalichan!
"Excuse me." The girl in question said to her two friends, turning to face the delinquent boy as he dashed over. Duo tugged one girls hair lightly as he passed, winking as she blushed.
"Hey Liana..." he began softly.
"Duo, did you come over here just to flirt with Liana, 'cause I warn you, she's already taken." Kalika stated coolly, slipping her arm around her friend's waist. Liana laughed at Duo's wide-eyed expression, leaning back against her friend.
"She's kidding Duo." She assured him.
"Yep, because actually, Kalika is mine." Thunder interjected smoothly.
"Anyways...." Kalika arched one eyebrow at her partner in crime. "These sluts aside, what do you want?"
"Um..." Duo was still thrown by their rapid conversation, staring at all three girls in vague suspicion.
"Yes?" she said expectantly.
"Ah... nice hair?" Duo tried, giving her his most winning smile. "It's a great colour on you?"
"Is that a question or a statement?" Kalika asked dryly, but smiled as she pushed a hand through her short hair that had – until yesterday – been black. Now a deep ultramarine, it served to highlight the lighter, more intense blue of her eyes.
"Statement. So... a new substitute teacher...any ideas?"
"Plotting again?" Heero tugged Duo's braid sharply as he walked over, nodding politely at Kalika, Liana and Thunder, his eyes resting a fraction of an instant longer on the last. She noticed his attention with a wry expression, green eyes glinting with amusement beneath her black hair. Wufei, joining them, glowered at the American boy who smirked smugly in response.
Kalika tugged off her glasses irritably, and rubbed at the bridge of her nose. "Now Duo, I didn't have time for plotting. I was studying for a French test, courtesy of La Petite Sorcière, actually."
Wufei blinked. "Oh shit! We have a test today?"
Duo was smirking at Kalika, one eyebrow raised expectantly. Liana stared at her friend for a long moment, shaking her head in disbelief.
"OK, so I wasn't actually studying... it was more...writing more on my story with every intention of eventually studying." Kalika sighed, grinning at the admission.
"I want those pages to read." Liana interjected.
Duo looked crestfallen. "What am I gonna do without my evil Kali backing me up?" he demanded.
Kalika shrugged helplessly. "Sorry Duo...I'm sure you'll come up with something. The point is, the sub won't last the day, knowing you.... and nor will I, knowing Madame."
"Oh, you'll do fine." Liana remarked, casually draping one arm over Kalika's shoulders and smiling. "If I could pass that class—"
"Then you can help ME!" Duo exclaimed happily. "I forgot we had a test, too!"
Liana shook her head. "You're fucked, Duo. How you even got into French IV is beyond me, but repeating "Quelleproblème!" in an unalterably American accent is just not good enough.
"Yeah, but she thinks he's cute," Kalika said derisively, "which is more than I can say about him." She indicated Wufei with a flick of her head.
"Weak onna." He muttered.
Silence.
The school bell tolled in the distance as Kalika turned slowly to glare at Wufei.
She smiled.
Thunder sighed and walked away, Heero alongside her, while Duo and Liana hid smirks. Kalika's smile was 100% scarier than the Heero Yuy Death Glare ™ at its worst.
After a moment – once Wufei had been reduced to a quivering, whimpering, incoherent mass of jelly – Kalika turned back to Duo.
"Do you know anything about this—" She was cut off.
"Oh my GOD!"
"I know!"
"He was just so... so..."
"Dreamy!!!!"
A collective shudder ran through the group as a bunch of girls walked by. Giggling. In pink. With matching backpacks. You could practically see the flowers and stars circling around their ditzy dialogue like pastel purple vultures.
"Dreamy, hmm?" Liana mused to herself, exchanging a feral smile with Kalika.
"We're in!" They chimed.
------------------
The students of 11C filed quietly into the room, perfect models of decorum and propriety as they sat down in the wrong desks. Mixing up the seating chart was the oldest trick in the book – it came naturally to them now.
Kalika and Liana grabbed seats by the windows, taking the first two desks in the row, the only students in the room to claim their actual seats. Sitting in the very front desk, looking studious with her glasses and intelligent air, Kalika waited gleefully for their new victim. Immediately behind her, Liana was deceptively quiet and reserved – but brilliant and devious. They were the so called "good" students; polite and trustworthy, and a substitute teacher's worst nightmare. They knew all the answers, could be scathingly sarcastic with wide eyed innocence...the teacher could never quite pin down what they had done or said that was wrong, exactly.... The fact that both girls had opted to wear the boys uniform over the traditional sailor suit was cause for consternation as well.
((Liana was once quoted as saying, when called on it, "Why the $#0&!% would I want to wear that? It has a skirt!"))
Heero and Trowa could have been their male equivalents; regrettably, neither one of them cared to participate in what they thought of as "childish pranks". That was fine, as far as Duo was concerned.... the teachers were afraid of those two anyways. Thunder could probably have convinced Heero to join in occasionally, but she was in the class across the hall... 11C's bitter rival, 11B.
Duo took on the role he was best suited for – class clown, loudmouth, and general jack-ass of the school.
It was a combination that had never failed – and had raised teachers salaries at the school by 210%. No mere substitute could withstand it, of that Duo was sublimely confident. Only a Navy Seal could hope to take on the class, and even that was iffy.
The class held its collective breath as footsteps echoed in the hallway.
The door opened.
The teacher walked in.
And everything went wrong.
----- Earlier that Day -------
"No, Treize, absolutely not! Don't even think of —"
"I'm not thinking of it Zechs, I'm ordering it. I believe you'll find there's a critical difference between the two." ((A/N)....between the two... savvy? Sorry, sorry))
"But Treize –"
"I owe the man a favour, Zechs."
"What the hell could a principal of an elitist school for snobs hold on you?"
A frosty glare.
"That's none of your business, Lieutenant."
Zechs crossed his arms and scowled. "Prick."
"It's a group of twenty or so 16 and 17 year olds! How bad could it possibly be?"
"Ask my instructor from Officer Training."
"He hasn't been released from the Medical Ward as yet...."
"Precisely."
"Considering that I'm your superior officer, I can just order you to go...."
A level stare.
Treize sighed. "What do you want?"
"A promotion."
"Alright then..."
"To Colonel."
"Ah."
"So I can piss off the Über-bitch"
"Lady Une?"
Smirk. Nod.
"Fine. If you survive your mission, you'll get your promotion."
An arrogant smile. "You're right Treize; how hard could it be?"
"Class starts in 20 minutes."
"....shit."
----------
There was a collective sigh from the girls as the substitute teacher walked into the classroom, followed by a sharp, muffled curse from Heero.
Duo snuck a glance at Kalika. She looked completely dazed.
oh shit. oh shit. ohshitohshitohshitohshitohSHIT!
Zechs gave the class a disdainful look, then sighed irritably. It was bad enough that he had to wear a tie and jacket like some pansy-ass business man instead of his uniform, but the kids were treating him as if he was a moron.
"Get in your proper seats." He instructed in an indifferent tone of voice, walking over to his desk.
No one moved.
Zechs glanced up mildly.
"Now."
Half the students started to rise, startled, but froze, confused, as the rest of the class stayed put.
"Yo. Teach. These are our seats." Duo announced obnoxiously, lounging in his desk with his feet up.
Zechs' eyes gleamed as he noted the presence of the other Gundam Pilots in the room, but feigned bored unconcern as he consulted the seating chart, walking over to the boy.
"So...you're Miss Laura Fitzgerald?" he asked smoothly.
Duo froze.
oh shit. oh shit. ohshitohshitohshitohshitohSHIT!
Zechs leaned in closer. "Get your feet off that desk, Maxwell," he whispered, "before...."
Heero strained to hear exactly what threat his arch rival was making, but was unsuccessful. Duo went pale, and dropped his feet with alacrity.
Zechs turned a dispassionate gaze on a voluptuous blonde, her bleached hair tied in ribbons. "Mr. Barton, I presume?"
The girl flushed, chomping on her gum nervously. At a look from Zechs, she scampered across the room to spit it out.
The class was silent. Bridgit was never without gum. Gum was a part of her. To ask her to throw it out would be like... like saying "Please remove your legs, they are not allowed in the building. Thank you."
((A/N my buddy came up w/ that line, I LOVE you Halyleykins!))
A triumphant smirk touched Zechs' lips – several girls swooned – as he turned to Heero.
"Please don't tell me you're name's really Ashley." He mocked the sullen boy.
Heero went pale. His hand twitched towards his gun.
It was completely silent.
Zechs turned and calmly walked back to the front of the classroom, casually stepping over the bodies of dazed, love-struck girls that had collapsed in the aisles.
In rebellious silence, the class moved to their proper seats, sometimes carrying their comrades to do so.
Duo scowled, taking advantage of the movement to swiftly fold a paper airplane. He aimed it at the back of Zechs' head, closing one eye to make sure he was lined up....
"Don't even think about it, Maxwell."
He hadn't even turned around.
Duo's eyes widened in shock.
How the hell did he DO that?
It usually took four or five airplanes zooming around the room before Duo was thrown out of the class, and that was always on suspicion alone. He'd never been caught in the act, it was a matter of pride with the braided boy.
Drumming his fingers on the desk, the American boy fumed. All his plans were going to be wrecked. He'd probably have to resort to destroying the school – and this substitute teacher from hell – with Gundam Deathscythe.
....Of course, if he killed Zechs, Heero would never forgive him....
Duo glanced at Liana, who shrugged helplessly. Apparently, Kalika was a lost cause. Duo watched as the serious, long haired girl repeatedly poked her friend in the back of the head with a pencil.
Then she drew a smiley face on Kalika's neck, chuckling evilly.
No reaction.
Duo sighed. It was going to be a looooooong day....
OWARI!!!! End of Chapter one (I think) Please R&R, mateys!! This is the first fic I've posted w/ Kalika, the uber-bitch (and my character) on here, so tell me what you think!! Other characters not from the series are probably the anime personifications of my buddies. La Petite Sorcière is a real person. She's my teacher. She's old, tiny, and incredibly scary. ((She also came up with that name for herself!))Anyhoo, if you have any ideas for decent pranks the boys could play, or an opinion on who will win the high-school DEATH MATCH between teacher and student, please email me!!! (it's on my profile page!)
Luvs!
Xtine the Pirate!