A Game of Truth
A conversation between Lee and Kara under the stars. Set during their trip to Kobol to find the tomb of Athena.
"Hey Starbuck." She swung around to find the source of the voice. Lee was sitting on the ground, patting the space beside him. He held up a military-issue blanket and grinned at her. "Wanna share a bunk?"
She rolled her eyes. This might just prove to be more than she could bear. Lee had been acting strange ever since her return from Caprica, a mere twenty four hours earlier. Of course, there was the kiss - that in itself was shocking. They'd never kissed before, not that it was something she hadn't thought of, but though they often seemed to be on the verge of taking their relationship one step further into the physical, it hadn't happened yet.
Until now.
It wasn't that Kara was afraid Lee would molest her in any way; forcing himself on anyone would be the last thing he would ever do. It was just that the foundation of their relationship had suddenly changed in just a few seconds. One small kiss and it was as though the universe had suddenly turned upside down. Her universe had undergone enough changes in the last few weeks. She wasn't sure if she could deal with anymore right now.
"Come on, I saved you a spot," he encouraged when she didn't move. Frak it, she thought, a little human companionship was all she had wanted in the robot-controlled vast wasteland that used to be her home. Lee was offering and she wasn't about to turn him down. As she sat down beside him, she saw something fleeting seem to cross his face. Or perhaps it was just the dying firelight.
"Best spot in the house," he said quietly. As she lay beside him, she felt him tuck the blanket around her and lay down. Her eyebrows wrinkled. He wasn't touching her. How could he be under the blanket but not touching her? These blankets were only single-bunk sized. She turned around to find him lying close but uncovered; apparently he'd been staring.
"What?" he said softly. "Something wrong?"
"C'mere," she said, opening the blanket towards him.
"No, it's yours, you take it," he offered gallantly, though he was beginning to shiver without the heat of the fire.
"Don't be an idiot Lee. It's only going to get colder." She motioned him closer with her head. He didn't budge. "I don't bite." He put on an expression of disbelief. "Well, not often," she smiled. "Come on, before I change my mind and let you freeze to death."
He scooted over beside her, a smile on his face. "Good to see you haven't changed Starbuck."
She pulled the blanket up to her chin. "Some things never change," she said cryptically. She loved messing with his mind - it was her favourite game. "You're shivering," she observed.
"Yeah, I'm cold," he said, giving her an exasperated look.
"Well that's what you get for not sharing the blanket," she retorted. He responded by pulling her close against him.
"For warmth," he explained innocently when she shot him a warning look. She seemed to accept his explanation though, and put her head back down on his chest, allowing him to pull her close so their bodies were touching from end to end.
"Try to get some sleep. It's our watch in four hours." She nodded, already knowing that but glad to hear his voice. She'd missed it the last few weeks. Only now he was being sweet and gentle with her, unlike the way he'd treated her the week before she'd gone.
They lay together quietly for a long time listening to the dying embers of the fire crackle and pop, breaking the otherwise eerie silence. The occasional footfall reassured them; Helo was doing his job circling the campground.
Lee could feel Kara's body against his, still very tense. He instinctively ran his hand down her back and began rubbing gently to help her relax. But of course, this being Kara, it had the opposite effect. She stiffened and lifted her head up to look at him.
"What are you doing?" she asked suspiciously.
"Helping you relax. If you don't want me to I'll stop."
Kara looked at him, face shrouded in shadow, eyes black in the dim light. She couldn't read him, and it unnerved her slightly. His body language too, was unusual and it confused her.
"It's okay," she said a little warily, lying back down on him. This was Lee right? He'd never do anything to hurt her. Would he? Her mind had been frakked up a hundred new ways (never mind the old!) on Caprica, and she wasn't really sure if she trusted anything anymore.
Lee continued rubbing her back softly, hoping to relax her into sleep. He could read her like a book, had always been able to, and despite the brave face she was putting on, he could tell that she was deeply troubled. Not to mention tired - the bags under her eyes were larger than he'd ever seen them. And there was something else. Something ... undefinable. Something not quite right. She was jumpy, unlike her usually grounded self.
"Can we talk?" he whispered, knowing she wasn't asleep yet.
"I thought you were trying to get me to go to sleep?"
"It doesn't seem to be working does it?" His hand stopped it's motion on her lower back and rested there, warming her right through her clothing.
"Too true." Kara lifted herself off Lee and lay on her side facing him, head propped up in her hand. Lee copied her actions, making sure the blanket was still pulled up over both of them. There was silence for a few minutes as all they did was stare at one another.
"So talk," Kara said quietly, finding the silence unbearable.
Now that the moment was here, Lee didn't know quite how to begin. Ever since she'd come back from Caprica, Lee knew they had to clear the air. Regain that precious friendship he'd screwed up through his jealousy. Worse than Kara dying on her mission would have been Kara dying believing Lee hated her and found her despicable. It had eaten at him the last few weeks while she was gone and he had to get it out now.
"I'm sorry," he blurted out suddenly, careful not to wake the others, sleeping nearby.
"You're sorry? For what?" She sounded honestly surprised. How could she have forgotten?
"Sorry for what I said to you before ... before you left. Sorry for hitting you. It wasn't my place to judge you." There. It was out.
"Oh that," she said carelessly. "It's okay, don't worry about it." She didn't care. What he'd said had just rolled right off her back. Now Lee was even more upset than before.
"But I have been worrying about it. The whole time you were gone. I was stupid and unthinking and I hurt you. I never meant to hurt you." His voice faded into a whisper by the end.
"I know you didn't." She put her free hand on top of his. "We all say things we don't mean when we're upset."
"So you're okay with it?" He was astonished. If the situation were reversed, he knew he'd still be upset with her.
"Sure, it's fine. Forget it."
"How can you forgive me so easily?" He was genuinely curious. This was not like Kara - she could hold a grudge forever, and a few of them against him were still pending as far as he knew.
She was silent for a moment, then took a deep breath. "I missed you. I never thought I'd see you again." Her voice cracked at the end of the sentence but she soldiered on. "Yeah, I was angry with you when I first jumped away, but Caprica was worse than anythign I could ever have imagined, and it became a question of IF I was going to make it home, not when. I had a lot of time there to think about what was really important to me - and you're it." He gave her hand a squeeze and smiled. "You're my closest friend Lee, and the thought of losing you ... well it drove all thoughts of anger away. I didn't care anymore about how bad things were between us, I just wanted to see you again. And judging from your reaction yesterday I'd say you felt the same way."
Lee blushed in the moonlight. He hadn't been able to control himself. From the moment he'd heard her voice over the comm his heart had pounded painfully in his chest. The ten minutes he'd had to wait before she'd landed had felt longer than the previous two weeks for him.
"You're right, I did. I do, I mean," he stammered, lost for words. How did she always manage to do this to him?
"So can I ask you something?" Now it was Kara's turn to be embarrassed. But she had to know. She'd thought about it a lot on Caprica and it seemed to her there was only one conclusion.
"Sure." Lee didn't care what it was, he was just so glad things were better between them and they were actually here. Together.
"Why did you hit me?"
There is was - the question he'd been asking himself ever since it happened.
"Because you hit me, or tried to." The easy answer came rushing out before he had a chance to stop it.
"Fine, I'll ask it a different way. Why did you call me a whore?" Her tone had changed and Lee could tell that no matter what she'd said, his words had upset her more than she cared to admit.
There was nothing for it but to tell the truth. "I was jealous," he said simply.
She removed her hand from his. "You were ... jealous? Why the hell would you be jealous?" Kara's anger flared.
"You looked so amazingly beautiful that night. It just took my breath away. I'd always know I felt something special for you, but it was like I was suddenly hit over the head with an exhaust tube."
"So why'd you make me dance with Baltar then?" she demanded angrily.
"My feelings suddenly hit me like a Viper in full throttle. It was overwhelming Kara. When he asked to cut in I was relieved - I figured it would give me a few minutes to collect myself before I went and screwed it all up by kissing you right then and there."
"Why didn't you?" she whispered. "It was what I wanted you to do."
Lee stared at her. She had WANTED him to kiss her? Gods! If only he hadn't been so obtuse. Or perhaps so afraid of what everyone else would think, his inner self whispered.
"Why'd you go back to his quarters then? Why'd you let him frak you?" His voice was low and there was no mistaking the anger in it.
"Why do you think I wore a dress that night Lee? I was allowed to wear my dress uniform - I didn't have to be fancy. I dressed up for you, to show you that I CAN be feminine when I try. I wanted to try to be someone you would desire, not just an androgynous Viper pilot."
"It worked," Lee said hoarsely. "If you recall, I couldn't seem to find my tongue after seeing you that night. You were the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen."
"If you only could have told me so," she reproached, near tears. "You were the one I dressed up for. You were the one I wanted to dance with. You were the one I wanted to spend the night with afterwards."
"So why'd you go with him? The ship's resident lunatic?"
"Because you left me!" Her voice rose as she choked on her tears. "I understand you had to let him cut in during the dance - he's the frakking vice-president after all! But it only needed to be one dance. You left me with him, and by the time I was able to get his slimy hands off me so I could find you, you were gone!" The tears were flowing down her cheeks now but she didn't care. "I searched everywhere for you and when I couldn't find you, I felt like my heart was breaking. I'd offered the best of myself and you'd turned me down and left me with that slimy son of a cylon. So I drank. And drank. Until I couldn't feel the pain anymore. And Gaius frakking Baltar watched me drowning my sorrows. He's not stupid even though he's decidedly certifiable in my opinion. He's been wanting me since the moment he came aboard Galactica but I'd never even give him the time of day if I could avoid it.
He knew, he knew that drunk was the only way he'd ever have me and so he took his opportunity when he knew I was weakest."
"Why didn't you fight him? Even drunk you could beat him with both arms tied behind your back." Lee could hear that his voice sounded angry, but inside he felt sick at heart. HE had driven her into Baltar's arms and then beaten her afterwards because of it. He felt as though he could hardly breathe - he was dying - it was all his fault!
"Because it's what I deserved," she whispered, so quietly Lee could hardly hear her.
"No Kara!" he began but she interrupted him.
"Yes! I told you, I'm a screw-up. I don't deserve good things like you. I just screw things up and hurt people. A quick frak is all I'm good for." She buried her head in her hands and let it all come out. She sobbed long and hard and Lee felt lost. He inched closer to her and pulled her into his arms again, burying his face in her hair.
He cried too.
For all the pain she'd suffered in her life - her horrible childhood, the loss of the man she loved and the awful guilt that was tearing her apart because of it, the pain he'd caused her, forcing her to believe that she was worthless.
"I'm so sorry Kara," he kept repeating over and over as he held her in his arms and they cried together. "I'm sorry, gods, I'm so sorry." Lee felt as though his heart must be breaking too. He'd caused so much pain in the woman he loved - he'd hurt her in so many ways when all he really wanted was to be able to love her.
When her sobs finally subsided, he wiped her tears away and pushed a few stray locks of hair from her ponytail behind her ears. He cupped her face in his hands as she raised her head off his chest to look at him. He caressed her cheek with him thumb.
"Don't you EVER think for one moment that you deserve that! You are an intelligent, beautiful, strong willed woman with so much to offer any man. You can be tough with the best of them, and how you survived Caprica is beyond me, but you can be vulnerable and sweet too. I know not many people have seen that side of you, but I have, and believe me, it's just as appealing as the tough-guy image that belongs to someone named Starbuck.
You are beautiful Kara, inside and out." She shook her head disbelievingly. "You are - we all have our flaws, and you just like to let yours hang out." He smiled weakly. "In fact, it's one of the things that makes you uniquely you, you are who you are, no excuses, and if people don't like you you don't care. You don't change for anyone - you're more honest than anyone I've ever known, myself included.
You deserve the best. You deserve a man who respects you for who you are, who accepts that life with you will always be an adventure, who will fly with you and understand that flying has been and always will be your first love."
"Do you think I can find a man like that?" she asked doubtfully. He stroked her cheek tenderly, looking deeply into those troubled green eyes.
"You already have , he was just too afraid to admit his feelings for you that night at the ball. I'm so sorry I couldn't be honest about how I felt. I love you Kara - I have ever since I've known you. You fascinate me, you frustrate me, but you've stolen my heart and I can't live without you."
"I wish you'd been able to say all these things that night." Her eyes shone like polished emeralds in the moonlight. "But I understand why you couldn't." She put a hand over the one that was touching her cheek and closed her eyes, savouring his touch. "I wish I could stay here in your arms forever," she whispered, eyes still shut.
"Then don't run away again. I promise I'll never leave you if you promise not to leave me again." The raw emotion in his voice opened her eyes wide. His clear blue eyes were filled with pain. Obviously her leaving had hurt him as much as his accusations had hurt her.
"I'm not sure we can make that promise. Only the gods decide when it's our time to go. One of us could die in battle any time - even tomorrow, if we have to face the cylons on our way to the tomb."
"Then let's at least promise not to hurt each other anymore," he said, one finger tracing her lips longingly.
"I promise," she said, shifting forwards slightly so her lips touched his.
"I promise," he whispered against her mouth, pressing against her and kissing her deeply - the way he'd wanted to when she'd first returned from Caprica, the night of the ball, and almost every other time he'd seen her since his arrival on Galactica.
"Ahem, Apollo, Starbuck, it's your watch."
THE END