I do not own gakuen alice or whatever. :

I couldn't do it anymore. I couldn't go on living the way I was living before. He became a presence that was so strong, that when he was stripped away from me I was sent into a catalyptic state. For those first few nights of his absence I wouldn't talk. I wouldn't utter a single sound. Breathing became scarce, because I did not fill my lungs with oxygen. I was filling them with the painful reminder that I was alone. I was alone now, even when my mother hovered over me concerned, my father a phone call away, and my friends by my side. It didn't make up for his absence though.

So I became bland, dull, life moving on, yet me unable to catch up and living in the past. Friends left me, my grades slipped, my meaning to live had vanished. I wore the same attire every day. A plain dress that symbolized my mood. Black was depression which I wore almost every single day. Red was anger when I felt the self loathing towards my self and my fathers betrayal. White symbolized happiness, I rarely ever touched white.

I remember his words that had slapped me in the face. I replay them every time in my head. How the fuck could you, Mikan? How could you do this to me? How could you do this to him?

I couldn't answer because he was right. Nobody deserved the blame except me.

Now don't get me wrong; I didn't slice and dice my wrists. That seemed simply childish, and cutting would only cure me of this depression. But I deserve this. I did wrong and now I've been punished fairly with the guilt dreading over me. This bullshit isn't going to end. I'll do anything to keep it here. I need the reminder that I wronged!

But then I'm walking in the park and I spot you, so lovely, so angelic like, perched on a bench, focused on your music playing through an Ipod. I wonder how many girls have you stopped in their tracks just by your ethereal beauty? Captivated by you, I can't help but to stare as you nod your head to some post grunge band. Your jet black hair swishes back in forth and it glows almost blue in the sunlight. Your lean and willowy, tall and lanky. Your poise is like a crippled tree, back hunched, neck bent over. Then your eyes open and I see a maroon color. Somewhat redish brown.

I jump back a little, startled as his eyes land on mine. His expression when he sees me is that of a terrified rabbit. His eyes widen and he flinches, mouth gaped open. In seconds he gathers up his stuff and flees from me, frightened, never looking back.

I don't move. My heart thumps in my chest. My mind isn't able to grasp this situation. Why were you so afraid? Who were you?

xxx

School is a daze. Hazy, full of words I can't comprehend. I daydream about you, you know. Even after you left I can't forget you.

I remember when you gently had grabbed my wrists and pulled me into a melding kiss. I remember how the kiss led you to lead your hand downwards onto my leg. I hadn't wanted you to stop so I pulled your leg closer to homebase. There was a sensation I hadn't felt before as your fingers moved with such flexibility and rash movements inside of me. I had moaned, groaned, and begged for you to continue. You had chuckled and said: I want you right now. I'm going to have you right now.

I hadn't objected as he pulled me onto the bed and began to tantalize me with his fingers. I felt this would never end. But it did.

Sumire Shoda passes right by me then. She's taken up the new trend called 'scene'. Obsessed with all time low and brightly colored skinny jeans. Her hair is in a one sided flippy do, higlighted by blonde streaks and teased into a very chic style. To think I spent my time with her. Two years ago she was a deep throttle goth kid, eyes rimmed in racoon black eyeliner and fishnet stocking making her look slightly whoreish. She laughs as she sees me, probably whispering to her friends about my lack of style.

Then we lock eyes. I see them dancing with challenge. Why don't you talk to me hunh? Or are you too scared bitch?

My eyes painted with cowardice reply: No, I'm sorry for even looking at you.

I lack balls.

xxx

It's been six days since I've laid eyes on jet black hair boy. I've seen him today again as the sun sets and silhouettes of faraway houses are formed. I walk absently; every step happening on its own. I pass the concrete houses, covered in green vines. The grass I step on is wilting into a yellowish color. I don't remember a time when our small town has looked healthy.

I see you again. Staring down at me from a window, curious. No, your no longer curious as our eyes cross eachother. Your burning with fiery hatred. I shudder and attempt to look away but he says something that breaks me.

"I know what you did! I'm going to fucking kill you!"

Startled, I gasp and fall backwards. What the hell are you talking about?

"You ruined everything! You ruined my life!" You open the window and jump out of it. I scurry backwards, frightened.

"L..leave me alone!"

"Don't act innocent!" Your coming closer now, hands clenched. You look so violent, so full of rage. "I know what you did!"

"I don't know what your talking about! Just please!" I beg. I scramble up and am backed against a wall. The twisted rage doesn't leave and it looks as though he's actually considering killing me. I can see how much he wants to see my blood spill on the floor. The ugly face he makes at me is enough to snap me back to my senses and run.

xxx

Uh, Yeah...:o