Viagraquenta
or
the Lay of the Mortal Women
(to the tune of... oh whattheheck...be original)
Ah! Those mortals in love
with Elven prin-cesses
silv'ry of skin and lengthy of tresses
Tuor and Idril
and Luthien fair
with brave Beren storming
into Morgoth's lair
Aragorn mucking about in the woods
til he kicked Dark Lord butt
and won his True Love
JR was a Man
writing in a Man's time
but Real Women want
to have equal rhyme
PJ came along
and gave us our prizes
with chisel-dy cheekbones
and great big brown eyeses
lithe as a greyhound
steadfast as a goose
with possibly some parts
resembling a moose
Oh! Legolas Greenleaf
long under tree
in joy thou hast lived
beware of the screams
of zillions of ardent
teen-age-ery girls
but take not that grey ship
depart not this world!
Don't panic! Don't flee!
(but keep Gimli beside you)
true fans will remain
whatever betide you
whether fleeing from balrogs
or raptors or mummy
or blasting it out
in some vast space slug's tummy
dropped from a Black Hawk
or doing wire-fu
in some sappy romance
or voice of cartoon
we'll descend on the-aters
like Sauron's Dark Hordes
and eat all the popcorn
and drool on the floors
we'll storm all the malls
buy up all the toys
(what's this? oh, hah hah
for my nephew, in Boise)
we'll write awful poetry,
stories, and fix
up all our walls
with posters and pix
your sweet shining visage
makes us all quite wary
of mere mortal Men
balding, pudgy or hairy
what we really want
'neath our Christmas Trees
is one Gandalf's Helper
sans costume, please
The author is a serious long-time student of Tolkien's works and an artist
specializing in high fantasy, I find this giggly girly stuff rather....hey...hey
kid, is that a new action figure? Where did you GET that?!!? Ooooooh, look at
the cute little arrows...no, give it here, give it, GIVE IT...