Dying…
By Patricia L. Bryans
Disclaimer: None of the characters in this story are mine. The song used is Dying by Five For Fighting, off the album The Battle For Everything. This story is set between Womb Raider and Witch Way Now? (So it's 2002.)
Phoebe woke to find darkness surrounding her. She looked over at her alarm clock… 3 AM. She groaned. Last time she checked, it was only 2 AM. For all she knew, she could have only gotten twenty minutes or so of sleep. Why wouldn't this endless cycle just go away? Phoebe had to get some sleep, or it would be pretty hard to write an advice column in the morning; yet alone convince her sisters that everything was fine. In the daytime she looked perfectly normal, but once her head hit the pillow every night she could not stop crying over Cole.
Sure, he had become the Source, but that didn't change the fact that Phoebe loved him enough to marry him despite her "being a wife" issues. And although he had killed innocents, he never harmed her sisters. Cole knew that would hurt Phoebe, and he had hated to see her feeling hurt. He loved her. And she had gone and killed him. It was her duty as a Charmed One, but it still didn't feel right. Phoebe wiped her eyes and blew her nose. She tossed the tissue into the mountain of used Kleenex at the foot of her bed. She would pick them all up later. Phoebe flopped back down on her pillow and sighed. She couldn't sleep without crying herself to the point of exhaustion over Cole, and she could not stay asleep without waking up thinking about him only a little while later. Although she couldn't explain it, Phoebe felt that Cole was still alive somehow. She tried to convince herself that this was impossible, but she could not let go of the notion.She closed her eyes, but did not fall asleep. She hoped all of her depression would lift away soon… because she was running out of under-eye makeup.
I'm dying,
Dying to wake up without you,
Without you in my head again.
I'm dying,
Dying to forget about you,
That you ever lived.
There's a shade come over this
Heart that's coping with
Laying down to rest.
I'm dying to live without you again.
The next morning, Phoebe started cleaning all throughout the house. She remembered that this was the same way she'd coped with Prue's death… before they found Paige, anyway. She was just glad that none of her sisters recognized what she was feeling inside. Although it hurt, Phoebe really just wanted to be left alone. Sure, they were her sisters and Phoebe could talk to them whenever she needed to, but she had been evil for about two months. She felt as though she'd betrayed the Power of Three, and it would take some time for her to feel completely on the side of good again. Because of this, she felt detached from her sisters, as if she wasn't worthy to speak to them. When she had been crying a few weeks ago, Piper and Paige curled up in her bed next to her. Although she was glad for the comfort, she still felt that she didn't deserve it after what she'd done. So Phoebe didn't ask for any support.
I'm dying,
Dying to find a distraction
To get you away from me.
I'm dying,
Dying to reach a conclusion
So that the world may see.
It's the same old story of
Love and glory that
Broke before it bent.
I'm dying to live without you again.
That night at dinner, Phoebe poked at her food instead of eating it. She didn't really have an appetite. She nibbled at a few pieces of Piper's chicken, but chucked the rest. She wasn't sure how much longer she could keep her hurting a secret. To clear her mind, she shuffled out into the backyard after dinner and gazed aimlessly at the stars.
The first time you left
I said goodbye.
Now there's not a prayer
That can survive…
I'm dying,
Dying to die just to come back
So we can meet again.
Dying,
Dying to say what I always,
Always should have said.
It's a strange emotion this, but
There's still hope in this,
As long as there's a breath.
I'm dying and I can't live without you…
It's a strange emotion this, but
There's still hope in this,
As long as there's a breath.
I'm dying and I can't live without you…
"Phoebe?" Piper asked as she approached her in the backyard. Phoebe tried to turn away, but it was too late. Piper had already seen. "Phoebe, are you… are you crying?" Phoebe didn't answer. "What's wrong?" Piper asked.
Phoebe still felt like a traitor. But she saw the concern in her sister's eyes. Piper didn't think of her as evil. She wanted to help her. And Phoebe knew she had to accept her help.
"It's…" she began, sniffling. "It's Cole."
"Oh," Piper said, the look of concern still in her eyes. Without saying anything else, Phoebe hugged her sister and sobbed into her shoulder. Piper patted her on the back. "It's okay," she comforted. "It'll all be okay."
Phoebe knew Piper was right. It would take her a while, but eventually she would get over Cole.
I'm dying and I can't live without you again.
THE END