Title: Truth hurts
Summary: Kind of a small spin-off about what happened when the episode was over. Both POVs.
Characters: Jenna, Alaric
Spoilers: 2x15 "The Dinner Party", maybe 2x14 "Crying Wolf" as well
Timeline: after Alaric left the Gilberts' house
Disclaimer: I do not own anyone, just borrowed them for a little while. Promise to give them all back unharmed, more or less
Author's Note: I couldn't help it. Sara Canning was brilliant in this episode. This single tear broke my heart and I am not going to be able to keep my mind off of that scene before they are back together and happy again.
It wasn't happening. It couldn't be. He knew it was impossible and maybe because of that he couldn't wrap his mind around the whole situation. And it hurt. It hurt so much that Alaric couldn't breathe, couldn't think, couldn't so much as keep functioning properly while he drove down the empty streets of Mystic Falls, breaking the traffic rules and not really caring where he was going, his brain off and his body repeating the driving routine automatically. He wanted to scream, or punch something real hard. Yeah, John's face would do but then the bastard would probably just go and make it worse.
If there was such thing as worse, he thought sourly as he pulled over in front of his apartment. He killed the engine and looked at the dark windows. What was he going to do there? Locked like an animal in the cage, in a place where everything would remind him of her. Where even air bore lingering scent of her perfume.
For the barest of moments the thought about going back to the Salvatore's boarding house flashed through his mind. Hitting Damon's collection of liquors, shutting down – sounded like heaven. But the idea of having a company ruled itself out immediately. He wasn't up to it, and wasn't up to heading to the Grill either. He couldn't. He couldn't be around anyone now, not when his mind was so restless that he'd probably end up in a trouble before he knew it. And it wasn't an answer.
He wanted to follow her. Maybe he needed to. Maybe she wanted him to. Follow her, talk to her, explain everything. Sort it out, make things better. Make things work again.
A bitter laugh formed in the back of his throat and died before Alaric let it escape his mouth. What was he supposed to tell her? God, he couldn't tell her the truth and he couldn't lie her in the face, not when she was looking at him with her big blue eyes and believing him, and he knew that once they were there she'd believe every word he'd say because it was Jenna. And she was high on trust. Despite of everything he did, he knew she'd believe him if he asked her to. And he couldn't. He couldn't feed her any more lies.
He didn't know it would be like this. He didn't know it could hurt so bad that he'd want to die. It was breaking his heart. This tear. He made her cry. Bloody hell, he made her cry! The only thing he promised himself he'd never do to her, and he was breaking his own lame promises. Fuck his heart, it was breaking his entire essence into a million tiny pieces. And he hated himself for it. He hated himself so much.
You suck, buddy. He smacked the steering wheel angrily so hard that the sharp lightning of pain shot through his entire arm and echoed in his shoulder but he didn't so much as wince, not feeling it. Not wanting to feel. Or maybe it was too insignificant compared to what was happening inside of him. Nothing could beat that guilt and self-loathing.
Ric closed his eyes tiredly. Her voice, her face. The sound of her heart breaking… if only there was a way to make it better. If only he could take it all away. If only he could turn the time back, and just hold her tight, and never let her go, and… Shoot John Gilbert when he had a chance, maybe? He didn't know. All he knew is that he wanted to make it right, to make it work for them because God knew he needed her. He needed her so much. But she was already broken because he betrayed her. Because he was a jerk, because he screwed up the only thing that actually mattered in his life.
Okay, she needed time. She probably needed for all of this crap to settle a little. This time he did let out a short bark of a bitter laugh. Yeah, right, because normally time was all lies needed to look better. Hell if it was working that way! Never was, never would. But he didn't have any other plan, so… time. He'd give her that. And then they'd talk. He'd… he'd come up with something. Maybe he'd even come up with enough courage to open up.
Not that he didn't want to. Damn it, he hated lying to her more than anything. He hated the very idea of keeping things from her because he knew how much she trusted him and how much she'd be hurt once she knew what he was keeping from her. And he knew it always, didn't he? But he felt helpless because this time, not an hour ago, he told her the truth… he couldn't talk about it. Not like that. Not when he didn't know what to say because there were things he still hadn't sorted out for himself. What on earth could he say to her about Isobel without putting her in danger? Without putting an end to them?
Hey, sorry, my dead wife is not dead. Did I forget to mention it? Probably slipped my mind. Oh well, do you want pizza for dinner?
If he could just…
He reached out for his cell phone and hesitated, his thumb trembling over the dial button. She'd probably never want to talk to him again, and she'd be right perhaps. He deserved it. And she deserved better than that. She deserved so much more than a bunch of half-truths and non-answered questions. Maybe she even deserved someone better than him to begin with.
Alaric pushed the button. No, he had no idea what he was going to say. But he wanted to hear her voice, to know she was okay. To…
It went to the voice mail almost straight away. Right.
He should go back, Ric thought. Break down the stupid door. Find her, tell her everything and pray that there was a way for her to forgive him, maybe even in the nearest fifty years even. But... the wound was still bleeding and he knew it, and chances were, he'd make it worse, and that was the last thing that he needed.
He didn't know how long he was sitting there staring into nowhere. Unfortunately, he started to freeze.
Heaving a sigh, Alaric climbed out of the car. As much as the idea of spending the night there was appealing, it probably wasn't so bright after all. The problem was, he didn't know what else to do. Once inside his apartment, he tried the phone again. And then again. And then he lowered himself heavily to the floor and leaned his back against the couch not bothering to take off his jacket or to turn on the lights. Didn't turn on the lights either. To be honest, it didn't even occur to him. He rubbed his eyes tiredly, feeling exhausted and world-weary.
If only he could blame John, eh thought sourly. The bastard triggered the thing but it wasn't him who started it. And having it rubbed in his face set Alaric's teeth on edge. Frustrated, he rumpled his hair with his fingers. He was so sick and tired of all these secrets and double life and always walking on egg-shells around her when she was the only thing that kept him together.
Damn it!
He took his phone and dialed her number again.
Jenna ignored the first round of the rings. There was no need to look at the caller ID to know who was calling. And the second one, too. After the third one she pretty much stopped hearing it as her ring-tone turned into some background noise, like the buzz of fridge or ticking of the clock. If only it was that easy… Ha! He had to curl her fingers into her palms to keep her hands from reaching for it. Good thing was that she couldn't bring herself to actually move but that would hardly be a problem once her resolve was shattered.
Instead, she turned away and stared at the wall blinking away the tears that kept streaming down her cheeks. She wanted to hold them back. She fought so much to hold them back because… because Jenna Sommers wasn't crying over the guys, not anymore. She had her share of that and what she had was enough for the lifetime. The only problem was that she fell for him, and she fell hard, and it was ripping her apart from the inside.
God, she'd never learn, would she? It wasn't even funny anymore, it was pitiful and pathetic. She'd promised herself she wouldn't let it happen again and there she was, crashed all over again. And the worst thing was – she honestly believed she was done with mistakes. Not now. Not with Ric. Not when she—
Why? Why would he do it her? What the hell he was hiding that was so bad that he couldn't talk to her about it? Was his wife an alien? Was he keeping her chained in the attic?
Was she really that wrong when she thought that they were closer than that?
She'd lost so much already. How could she think about losing him, too? And yet, how could she not think about it when he was keeping something from her? Something that even John knew! Now that was a sucker punch. A secret that wasn't a secret to someone else felt so much worse.
Jenna wrapped her arms around her stomach as if to keep herself from falling apart and bumped her forehead into her knees taking short shallow breaths. Thank God Elena was still gone and Jeremy was hanging out with some friends. She'd hardly be able to deal with more than one thing at a time. It was taking too much out of her to just keep breathing. Oh, she wished she could simply turn it off, stop feeling. Just for once. Just for a little while, until she found out how to cope with it.
Her phone beeped announcing the arrival of a voice mail and she lifted her head, completely despite better judgment. Warily, she reached for her phone and took it cautiously as if it could bite or burn her. Hesitated. You don't have to listen to it, she told herself, faint doubt still hovering in the back of her mind. But as soon as she thought about it, she knew she would. She couldn't not to. She… she had to. Because she was a fool. Maybe always would be. But she couldn't wave it off and couldn't walk away. Not this time.
"Jenna… I'm not going to ask you to pick up but… please, listen to me. I will explain everything. I swear to God I will explain everything to you... Just—just give me a chance to do it. It is all I'm asking for… I didn't mean to mess it up. I didn't mean it to be like that. I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry." She heard him take a sharp breath. "I love you." His voice was low and hoarse, thick with emotions. "I love you, Jenna. Just… just give me a change to make it right. Please."
Son of a bitch.
She buried her face in her hands not bothering to hold her emotions back anymore while she was falling to pieces, her entire body shaking with uncontrolled tears. It was just too much. Too big, too overwhelming. What was she supposed to do now? How was she supposed to respond to something like that?
Author's note: I think I'm going to need a therapy after this show.
Anyway, hope it was okay. I apologize for typos because it was a spur of a moment fic and it kind of just happened.
And – thanks for reading! Reviews and comments are always welcome!