I look at her. I know instantly that I want her. She awakes the beast within me. She lights my fire. She makes me feel things I've never felt before. If only she wanted me too.
I lean against the door frame, secretly in my mind smiling at her body. The curves, the look of her skin, the way she sometimes gets bags under her eyes (today being one of those days, the way she's so small in body but big in mind, her arms, her hair, her hands...her everything. I want her to be my everything.
We've built some kind of truce since the whole Hank situation. It's a very weird friendship; well I can't even call it that. On one hand we are so close, I can tell her my fears, she laughs at my jokes and often we finish off each other's sentences but on the other hand we are like strangers, so close from friendship hugs, complimenting each other, it feels awkward on that kind of level. I remember this one time we went out for coffee (a semi-regular occurrence) and there we were sat in the corner chatting like there's no tomorrow when a male friend of hers (an old college friend) came up and made polite conversation, she didn't even introduce me to him, he had to ask to be introduced and she introduced me as her work colleague, note not friend!
"Hey there Sara," Catherine snaps me out of my brain trying to figure her out; she throws me that smile I adore of hers.
"Hi," I said timidly. Yes she makes me shy, I'm usually known as the cocky one, the friend who flirts with anyone! But when it comes to actually liking someone I just want to hide away in a little box.
"How was your shift? Mine was snooze fest 2010!"
"Don't tell me. You got the duster out again in your office," I laugh. I know her too well. She can't sit still for 5 minutes. People say I'm bad but let me tell you they haven't spent an hour with Cath.
She laughs boldly and puts up her hands in defence, "Guilty!" I just shake my head at her, knowing that knowing something that small about someone just makes my head go dizzy with happiness.
"Well if the cleaners did their job I wouldn't have to bother would I?" She makes a good argument. I just stay silent, in the silence we catch each other's eye, and we hold the stare for a few seconds but then I get too shy and turn away hoping she doesn't see my embarrassment. I then hear the sound of the silence breaking.
"You're hungry?" I ask rhetorically knowing that the sound was a small belly rumble from Catherine (how adorable). Now I know what the deal breaker will be, the deal that allows me to spend another hour basking in her loveliness. "Cheeseburger and a latte?"
Cath doesn't respond instead she walks over to a locker, enters the code in, takes out a jacket and throws it at me with a wicked grin graced upon her face. I catch the jacket and sling in over my shoulder. I'm still stood at the door frame, my foot holding open the door. I lay out my hand and say "Ladies first."
Here we are at a small greasy cafe. It's not the nicest of places but where else are you going to get a cheeseburger at 7am in the morning. The conversation is light but interesting. I cannot explain how this amazing woman captivates my attention with stories of her past. She is without a doubt the most amazing woman I have ever met. I just want to know everything about her; every story, every memory, every detail of her body...focus Sidle, not the right time to be going down that road of thinking! Every time I'm with her I have trouble keep my attention on her eyes, my eyes always betray and move to her mouth, the nicest mouth I've ever seen...okay I'm biased but hey, sue me!
"I warned my mum but no she didn't listen, Nancy ended up slipping on it and breaking her arm. Lucky bugger got a week off school," she ends her story with laughter. I too laugh at the tale as I down the last of my tea, yes tea; I love my coffee but not the caffeine before I want to settle down for a couple of hours. I place the mug back on the table signally that it was empty. I start to feel nervous, I know this situation before, happens a lot! I squint at her trying to figure out what mood she's in. I know this can only end badly. Neither of us says a word, we both move perfectly in sync with each other standing up and putting on our jackets. We walk over both knowing what was about to occur but neither one of us knowing who was going to break the silence first.
"That will be $21 please," the young spotty teenager informs us. I flash him a smile and hand over the money. I know Catherine's eyes are on me right now, I feel a little nervous (and sorry for the teenager).
"I'll pay," announces Cath even though she knows I've just handed over the money. The young lad looks confused and waits for my reaction.
I turn to her and simply say no.
"I don't mind, it's my turn," she pulls out the money from her jeans pocket and extends it out to the lad. But I push her hand gently back towards her hoping she'll get the message. Ah I see it in her eyes she's backing down! Victory will be mine but I know she won't go down without a fight.
"At least let me pay for my half," she half demands as she separates the money in her two hands. I don't look directly at her, I can't because then I might let her win.
"Keep the change," and without I walk out of the cafe. It takes Cath a moment to catch up with me. As she's coming out I'm looking up to the sky. It's turning out to be a nice morning. Shame our fucked up sleeping pattern doesn't allow us to enjoy the day much. I smoothly put my sunglasses on and turn to look at her. She flashes me one of her 'fake' smiles, you know the smile that says it was okay but I've had better and it's a quick smile, if I had blinked I would have missed it.
"Thanks. I'll see you later." She casually says.
"Yeah bye thanks." I give her a half smile then walk off to the direction of my car willing myself not to turn around. See no hug goodbye? She hugs all the other guys' bye at the end of every shift. I feel so awkward when moments like that happen. My mind wonders what's wrong with me. I crave a hug off her every moment of every day. As I reach my car I can't help but get a last look of her. She's walked a couple of feet but she's looking at me. I get into my car and pretend I haven't noticed and with that I drive off.
As I'm driving back to my apartment I'm examining the case file known as 'our relationship'. No touching, well occasionally there is, if we've cracked a case or something along those lines she'll slap my leg or something like that playful. I tend to freeze up because even though I love the feel of her hands on me it's unexpected. Maybe that's the reason doesn't hug me. I decide against that outcome as there's been a few times as I'm leaving and Cath's still working that I initiate the hug but she always uses some excuse. Maybe it's because I'm gay and she's not comfortable with it. Yes that's a maybe reason. It's pretty easy to tell my sexual preference when you get to know me and I've talked about dating girls in the past. But when we talk about it she seems pretty at ease with it. There are these weird times between us. For instance if we're working a crime scene together I catch her looking at me often. Sometimes I feel annoyed it's like she's checking up on my work like I'm not smart enough to know what I'm doing! But somewhere deep inside me I'm hoping it could be because she has feelings for me, impossible I know but I like to hope.
As I enter my apartment my head is spinning with thoughts of her. I hate it. I shake my head wishing I could shake them out of my head but knowing it won't do any good. I know I'm not going to be able to sleep. Not till I can get into a happy state of mind. So I do the thing that I know will clear my head, I go into the fridge and take out the six pack in there. I plonk myself down on my couch and lick my lips as I open one of the cold beers. I'm not an alcoholic. I'm just alcohol dependent. I need an escape. It's my island of sanctuary. I know it's a slippery path but at the moment I'm in control of it. I never drank much before I met her; yeah the love of my life turned me into an alcoholic, great storyline for the Jerry Springer show! There was an instance when I was younger when I was becoming dependent on it but I was smart enough to stop but now, no way I need my relief.
When I sank the 3rd beer I reach for my phone that's on the coffee table. I've been in trouble for this before with her but I don't care, I need her, I need communication from her, my life depends on it. So I send her a text, "Thanks for good company breakfast, sleep well, hope ur ok." Short and sweet but I'm hoping for a reply. I know I won't get one. Not till around shift time and it will be an angry one because she's probably sleeping right now but I'm getting intoxicated so I don't care. Another part of our weird relationship; we text when we are at work together not about work, well sometimes but about the mundane things in life too but when we're at home well it's very occasional. Maybe she's with her boyfriend, that thought makes me want the ground to open up and swallow me. I hastily down the 4th can. It breaks my heart every time she talks about him. Sometimes it makes me smile that she can be in love with someone that much but then a second later I'm filled with jealousy that it's not me. Yeah she's in love with the guy, he's an ass basically. They've been going out 6 months and he's already moved in. She waits on him hand and foot, does his washing, irons his clothes, makes all his meals and the rest. Catherine should be the one getting waited on! I know Jon (yeah that's him) is just using her, come on he's got it easy. He doesn't contribute to the bills; it's making my blood boil thinking about him. I've met him once and seriously don't like the guy. Sometimes the way she talks makes him sound possessive, he won't let her have any male friends (apart from the guys at work but he doesn't really get a say in that) or let her have people round the house. I also have my suspicions that he cheats on her, a few people I know from the scene have dropped hints. He's a DJ at a few of the clubs up town. I've seen a few pictures online (don't ask me how) of him looking a little too friendly with women. But I can't say anything...she wouldn't believe me, she's blind. But as long as she's happy right?
I'm at the end of my 5th beer and feeling like I'm on my island. At least I can go to sleep in a minute. I'll probably fall asleep her on my couch, my bed is too lonely, it's calling out for Catherine to be next to me, for her to fall asleep in my arms...heaven. I finish the last couple of drags of my cigarette and put it out. I lie down on the couch and drift to sleep...a few tears slip out as I'm drifting. I can't take it anymore. I can't live my life like this. I have to cut her out of my life...I know it.
I'm sat in a vacant lab going over my case, seems I've hit a dead end. I rub my neck trying to ease the frustration. I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket, I smile knowing well hoping its Cath.
"That was late of you to text me." That's another thing about our relationship we don't put x's at the end. Again I know she does with others. I simply text back an apology like I have done the couple of times I've text at the wrong time. I know I need to make it up with her well I think she's mad I don't know for sure but I feel guilty like I've broken the secret rules of our relationship. I close the case file and head to the coffee machine...good plan Sidle. I'm also nervous because I know I'm going to do something bad. It happens all the time with me when someone breaks down a few of my walls around my heart I push them away.
The door to her office is open. I smile in the door way at her as she sees me standing there.
"Latte?" I offer.
"Just what I wanted!"
"There's something I want as well," I announce, she eyes me up suspiciously. I feel my heart racing. I can't look at her. I walk towards the desk and place the cup down then retreat to the safety of the doorway. I take a deep breath then continue, "I need some space."
She looks at me puzzled.