Disclaimer: Black Lagoon does not belong to me of course

Rating: K+

Genre: Romance/Angst

Summary: Eda was not jealous. Or rather, she would never say that she was jealous as she watched Revy and Rock. Not quite what you think.

Note: (This fic was inspired by an earlier fic: "Alive" by "Demented Noodles")

Not Jealous:

Eda was not jealous. Or rather, she would never say that she was jealous as she watched Revy and Rock. She was more than aware that observing the wild, rash gun slinger and the usually timid Japanese businessman at the bar together, wouldn't resolve any of the tense anger she felt surging through her every now and then. Still, it was a habit that she couldn't help. She would never say that she was jealous, but she watched them. Watching the two of them together had become almost as a religious ritual as praying to the Christian god that a part of her hated, yet loved for this predicament.

She watched as Revy yelled something at Rock and she scowled behind her pink sunglasses. There were times when she wondered if these feelings were a result of just how low she had sunk since taking up this charade in Roanapur. She figured that it was the only explanation. She believed at the time that it was just the result of becoming corrupted. She knew now of course that she was very wrong.

The wall of delusion she had erected in her mind had now crumpled into dust and the pitiful remains scattered to the darkest corners of her mind, now awakened to the epiphany of the real reason that she felt this fiery anger when surveying Rock and Revy. Years ago, when she had first come to Roanapur and had first taken the job that the CIA had offered her, she was a naïve knight. Someone who thought that she could do good in the world. What was more, she had structured the false hope that she could "save the world" in some way. In present time, she looked at herself back then and had to laugh; justice, "good," the "right way," of doing things were all just a bunch of hokey stories for people to tell each other, so as to trick themselves into thinking that they were true.

Human beings needed the lie that there was a greater meaning to life than what there actually was. If they didn't have that foolishness, their structure would have fallen apart long ago; that was how pathetic human beings were. The everyday man would go insane if they knew that the only reason to live, was to die in the end, simple as that; no greater meaning or purpose.

Eda wasn't nearly that naïve or deluded anymore. She knew better now. It was like being a foolish child that had been told a fairy tale and then had been sent into the "real world" to grow up. And grow up, she did.

She didn't see herself as someone providing justice anymore. That lie was lost now; along with the elusive lie she once clung onto that she wasn't jealous when she saw the two members of the Lagoon Company together.

She was. She hated even coming remotely close to the admission, but she was. A few years back, she'd gladly have shot herself in one of the hands rather than admit it, but it was inevitable now as she realized. Her jealousy was so clear that she couldn't believe that she hadn't seen it before and had been fighting the acceptance of it this whole time.

But she had admitted it to herself and was now trying to incinerate Rock to bloody ashes with her burning, nearly hateful gaze.

When did it begin? The question had stayed branded in her brain just as long as the desire to deny her envy that was still ever growing. She didn't know. Maybe it had started the very first moment she had met the crazy gunslinger. Or maybe it just started over time. However, the fact remained that Eda couldn't hold up the charade that she was just a friend to Revy anymore. Or at least, the charade that she had forged in her mind to protect herself from the trauma of finding out what her real feelings for the erratic gunslinger were.

She leaned over the table of the bar, staring even more closely at the two Black Lagoon members as if trying to study them, which she, in a way was. It was the reason why she always asked Revy if the pirate woman and Rock had had sex yet. She, though at the time she hadn't wanted to give into the truth of her feelings, had asked, in subconscious hopes that there might be a chance for her and Revy.

So far, hearing that they hadn't yet, (unless Revy was lying), was a relief. But now that she knew, or had been given some sort of claim that there was no relationship that Rock and Revy had so far, what was she going to do?

Eda's hand tightened around the small glass containing her whiskey. The tension in her hand was such that she wondered why the glass didn't break. Nothing, Eda admitted. Nothing would come of this realization. She would never be able to approach this…approach her.

Finally, after minutes of thinking, though to Eda it felt like years, the CIA agent released the glass and slumped back against her seat, still trying to stare holes into Revy's back as the gunslinger was still yelling at Rock. Still, she had to do something. She now understood, after all these years hiding as a nun in the Church of Violence in this city, she was becoming what she was pretending to be. She was already becoming like everyone else in this city, and the light was fading in her eyes. These pink sunglasses that she wore constantly, no longer seemed necessary. And though the thought scared Eda to death, it also made her see the epiphany before her. The epiphany that if she was already becoming like the people of this city, then what was just one more sin committed in her life? What was giving into this desire and confessing to it in comparison to her falling from grace?

She had already chosen to stay in Roanapur because of this woman. The CIA had offered her to come back to Virginia, to get back into her old routine, to have her old life back. Her simple life where there was no inner conflict she suffered from. A life where Revy was not present and didn't stoke this fire in her.

Eda had declined; she had chosen to stay in this city of damnation. To stay with Revy.

At the time, when Eda had refused to return to her home, she had told herself that it was because she was slowly becoming a part of Roanapur. She told herself that it was because the light was starting to fade from her eyes and she was becoming one of the walking dead. She was of course wrong. And she knew it, even then. She just hadn't wanted to believe it.

The truth of the matter was that, if she returned to Virginia or Alabama or wherever the hell else she had been in her line of work before coming to Roanapur, she more than likely would never see Revy again.

As Eda observed Revy's rage seeming to soften at something Rock said, a jolt of hot anger shot through her. Then again, perhaps she had already lost the wild pirate woman. She knew that Rock and Revy had a close bond. Far closer than Revy was willing to admit, but nonetheless, it was there. Eda hated Rock for it. She never acted like she did. After all, what was the point of pretending that she was just Revy's friend if she made her disdain for the Japanese man obvious? In fact, she flirted with him so as to get Revy's attention. Hell, Revy's threats to kill her were better than Revy not noticing her at all.

Eda grinned wryly. Well, she certainly was becoming masochistic, because not only were Revy's threats a good source of attention, but to be honest, the undercover CIA agent found it kinda hot. Probably a sign that she was losing her mind and becoming more and more dark as time went by.

Her attention was intensified as she noticed Revy leaning closer over to Rock, not looking hateful in the slightest anymore. Eda's whole body clenched. Her fingernails dug into the wood of the table she was leaning against, her eyes narrowed and she suspected at the moment that they were as dark as any of the Roanapur's living dead in her fiery temper at that moment. It made her very happy that she, as a member of the Church of Violence, couldn't shoot Rock. She couldn't fire on someone who was part of those that employed her and Sister Yolanda. If she didn't have that as a restraint, then she'd have put a bullet through his head the moment she had the suspicion that he and Revy were sweet on each other.

Well, no, that was a lie too. She wouldn't have, because she realized that Revy cared about him in a twisted way. And for that bond that Revy had with him, Eda understood that losing him might hurt Revy. She could never do that then.

Eda tapped her fingernails against the glass, hoping that the sound would distract her a little. It didn't. What a weird world they all lived in, where she was a CIA agent masquerading as a nun in a city that was full of criminals, thugs, thieves, killers and low lives and all the while, she had fallen in love with one of those said criminals…when she was a FUCKING CIA agent.

In all honesty, Eda wasn't sure what she could do here. She knew what she was supposed to do. She knew that the noble thing to do, the right thing to do would be to return to Virginia and to her work as an agent, to forget this godforsaken city and everyone in it. Especially her.

But Eda just couldn't do the noble thing. Maybe it really was because she had been in this city for too long. Maybe she really was becoming one of them. Maybe the darkness was rising in her soul and would be seen in her eyes and she could throw these pink sunglasses away. But Eda knew the main reason here. It was all her. It was all Revy's fault. Eda wanted to scream, she wanted to rage and snarl at the bitch that kept her chained to this city without even realizing it.

But it didn't change anything. She was going to remain here whether she liked it or not, because she just couldn't leave her….

There were times, Eda admitted to herself, when she considered taking a third option. An option that made all of her previous deceitful schemes look tame in comparison. There were times when Eda actually thought about using her authority in the CIA to bring Revy to Virginia from Roanapur, to keep the younger woman a prisoner. But when those most disturbing thoughts crossed the agent's mind, she recoiled in disgust at them. To think that she would even ponder doing that to Revy was….but still, she had indeed thought about it.

When it came down to it though, Eda knew luckily that she would never be able to do that to Revy. Revy was more or less free here in Roanapur. Entrapping her was inhuman. No matter how much Eda wanted to be with Revy, it had to be here. And the truth was starting to become obvious to the CIA agent as well. She wanted it to be here in Roanapur too. Roanapure was becoming home to her as well.

Again, Eda wanted to blame Revy for it, but the truth was, she had gone into this city of her own free will. No one had forced her except for her employers, and even then she could have refused. She just wouldn't have been as well paid. She had made her own bed, now she had to lie in it.

So did that mean that she'd have to "grin and bear it" as Revy and Rock seemed so serene together? Or as serene as the two of them could be together, anyway? Or did this mean that she should grab onto the opportunity to try and gain Revy's attentions? Not that she hadn't, given all her flirting with Rock, but still.

For once in her life, Eda felt truly lost. She knew where her home was now, but that didn't make it any better. In fact, knowing that this shit-hole would be her home from now on was tragic, but she'd manage, just like she always did. But as usual, Revy remained the sole puzzle that needed to be solved for Eda to find some sort of solace.

And all those conflicted thoughts were always what led her back to this situation; to being the outsider. She would always be on the outside looking in and coveting what Rock had with Revy. Even if he and Revy weren't together, if she could switch places with Rock, it would be a change worth committing again and again and again.

Rock would always have a connection with Revy that she would never have, and yes…Eda was jealous of Rock for it. Insanely jealous. She could finally admit it in her mind that she was jealous.

Deciding that she had wallowed in self-pity long enough, Eda got up and headed towards the two Black Lagoon associates. To them, she would be causing mischief and stirring up trouble, "as usual," but for her, she was just taking what she could get.

She moved out from behind the table where she had been hiding in the corner of the bar and walked towards them. She used the same routine she always had when she was pretending to cause trouble. She put on a wide, mocking grin and nearly shouted boisterously at Revy.

"Hey, Two Hands!" She yelled, sliding up next to the younger ill-tempered woman on the bar stool, and leaned forward on her elbows, looking and grinning at the now startled gunslinger and Japanese man.

"How's the business? Bad? Getting cheap shit as usual?" She didn't let up in the teasing of her tone, only goading Revy further as she added, looking at Rock, "Hey, Romeo, I see you're drinking that shit too. Yah might want to come with me, I actually have real whiskey back at the church." Her grin widened when she saw that fiery, enraged look that she so loved start forming in Revy's eyes, "And maybe there are…other things we can do at the church besides drink." She made sure to make each word come out as suggestively as possible.

And there it was. All the attention Eda would have for tonight from Revy. Immediately, the wild woman started cursing and threatening Eda and the undercover CIA just smirked. She had to admit to herself that despite her anger towards him, she felt a little sorry for always using Rock like this.

Rock was just a pawn. Whenever she came to the two of them and "took interest" in Rock it was to anger Revy and get her attention. But right now, she was getting plenty. And for now, it was all that Eda could ask for.

Until she had the balls to actually tell Revy, anyway, these constant verbal assaults from the gunslinger would have to be enough.

Author's Note:

As mentioned, this was inspired by "Demented Noodles'" fic, "Alive," and I hope you all liked it. If Eda was a little OOC….Yeah, I sometimes have difficulty with keeping characters in character. And leave reviews of course!