Secrets

By Ambassador Cara Jade

After leaving Yavin 4, Callista has a brief layover on Coruscant.

None of these characters are mine, no matter how much I wish they were. They belong to George and Barbara. Excerpts of this story have been taken from Kevin J. Anderson's Darksaber.

Kind of bizarre to be at my own funeral, Callista thought. She stood in a dark corner of the Imperial Square, where no one would see her. High above, Leia was delivering her eulogy from a podium in front of the palace:

"We also acknowledge the loss of Callista, a Jedi Knight who, though she had lost her powers, still managed to bring about the destruction of the Super Star Destroyer, sending it into the planet Yavin, where we believe she and our nemesis Admiral Daala both perished."

From her vantage point at the opposite end of the square, Callista could see Leia on a large screen above the dais. As she bowed her head, the image cut quickly to a close-up of Luke, and Callista's heart leapt into her throat. He was stony-faced, emotionless. She'd never seen him looking like that, even when their troubles had left them both in a deep rut.

She'd done that to him.

That knowledge made her want to curl up and die—for real, this time, and forever. Even more it made her want to climb to the top of the column against which she leaned and call to him at the top of her lungs.

But she didn't dare to venture how he would answer.

And so she stayed in her shadows, unseen, unnoticed.

It wouldn't be easy to never speak to him again, to go on living far away from him, and letting him believe that she truly was dead, but she could do it if she had to. As painful as I would be, she knew it was for the best.

Callista stayed in the square for hours after the memorial, sorting out her thoughts, making plans. It was out of the question to stay on Coruscant.

Nar Shadaa?

Not enough for passage.

Belsavis?

Too painful.

Chad?

Perhaps. It had been a long time since she'd gone home.

She was going to need money, too, and soon. She still had 100 or so left over from her vacation with Luke, which she'd luckily had the presence of mind to keep with her after returning to Yavin. It wouldn't get her far, though. If she could find an independent ship to work on, she could get someplace and earn money.

You don't need money…a voice whispered in her head. You have the power to take what you need…

Callista shook her head. No…she thought.

Why deny yourself the power that was born to you? There is no "light" or "dark." There is only power. It is you that are dark.

The voices had been growing louder recently. They were becoming harder to ignore. Constant, and tempting. In unguarded moments Callista had caught herself slipping into their seductive promises. She was exhausted from keeping them at bay in her mind. They kept her up at night, perverted her memories. She felt her resolve thinning. Her greatest fear was the day that it would dissolve and she would give in to the darkness.

You have a right to your power, Callista. Use it; take your life back. Do something for yourself for once.

A light rain began to sprinkle the square, sending the pedestrians scattering for cover. Callista stretched out her hand to feel the drops explode in her palm. Slowly, she moved out of her shadows into the rain. She tilted her face up to the sky to catch the falling water as if it could wash the voices from her mind. She leaned against the column. For a few minutes, she felt clean, free of herself.

"Callista?"

For a terrible heartbeat, she thought it was Luke. When she opened her eyes, though, she found herself face to face with Wedge Antilles.

Neither of them said anything for a moment, then finally Callista spoke. "Isn't there some post-memorial gathering you should be at?"

"It appears that a large part of the reason for such a gathering has suddenly vanished," Wedge replied. He crossed his arms. "Care to tell his best friend why?"

Thirty minutes later, Wedge and Callista were sitting at a small table in a nearby coffeine shop, clutching steaming mugs.

"I…just couldn't go back," Callista concluded, studying the rim of her coffeine cup. She looked up at Wedge apprehensively. He sat forward and wiped his mouth.

"Callista, I think you should let him know that you're okay. He's been a wreck since Yavin. I've never—" he broke off when he saw her wiping her eyes. "Do you love him?" he asked instead.

Callista nodded. "Yes."

"And you don't want to see him hurt, right?"

"Of course not, but—"

"Then he at least deserves an explanation. Just to let him know you're okay. Are you afraid that he'll come after you?"

"I don't know," Callista said with a frustrated sigh.

"Or that he won't?"

She looked at him. "Maybe."

Wedge nodded. "Luke talks about you. A lot. Even before all this, I couldn't get him to talk about anything else sometimes. He adores you, Callie. He worships you. Now that you're gone, he's completely different."

"Don't you understand why I had to, though?"

Wedge nodded. "I'm no expert when it comes to the Force, but yeah, I have an idea."

Callista twisted her fingers. "My Master once told me that I have a natural affinity to the dark side. More susceptible to it or something, I don't know. Now it's the only part of the Force that I can touch. When I'm with Luke, I want to have that power back so badly, sometimes—"

"You want to protect him from yourself," Wedge supplied. "You're afraid of what you might do."

She nodded. "Or what I'll lead him to do."

"Callista, you have to tell him this. If only to put his mind at ease a little bit, to help him understand." He covered her hand with his own. "I'll tell you what. I'm leaving for Yavin to deliver supplies tonight. You record a message, and I'll deliver it to him for you. Get everything off your chest. He'll feel better to know you're alive, and you'll have told him how you feel. I know Luke. If you don't want him to come after you, he won't."

Callista sighed. "Okay."

Before she recorded the message at Wedge's apartment, Callista brushed her hair and washed her face. The bruises from the battle had all but faded; only a few patches of yellowed discoloration remained.

"Are you ready?" Wedge asked as she came out of the refresher, and she nodded. He handed her a message cylinder. "I'll give you some privacy. I'm in the kitchen when you're done."

Callista took the cylinder from him. "Okay."

Wedge shut the door behind him, leaving Callista alone in the sitting room. With a heavy sigh, she set the message recorder on the table. Get everything off your chest, she thought, and switched on the recorder.

"Hello, Luke," she began. "The first thing you need to know, I suppose, is that I'm not dead. Sorry if I frightened you. There was no way for me to get back. I barely got out of the Super Star Destroyer in one of the last escape pods before the entire ship crashed into Yavin."

She took a deep breath. Keep going. "After I got away, I drifted. Daala's command level escape pods had extra propulsion systems. But once I was out of danger, once I escaped, I realized I couldn't come back to you--not yet. I'm sorry, Luke.

"The Jedi powers are closer to me now, but they are not yet within my grasp. The wall of the dark side blocks me from them. I'm afraid I'll be tempted again if I work too closely with you, because when I'm with you, Luke, I want so much to have my powers back that I'm willing to do anything…almost anything. I can't risk that."

I hope he understands…

"I have to go on my own odyssey. I'm confident that someday I will rediscover my powers. That way I can come back to you on my own terms. I need time, Luke. Just some time. I promise I'll be back—if ever I can prove myself worthy of the Jedi Master I love."

I guess that's it, she thought, and moved to switch off the recorder, but then she paused. A new feeling came over her, almost like weightlessness. She smiled, the first real smile she'd had in weeks. "We will be together in time, Luke. And there is a lot of time in the Universe."

Quickly, she shut off the recorder, and exhaled. That was it. She disassembled the pieces and sealed them in their case. Wiping her eyes, she crossed to the kitchen and opened the door. Wedge looked up. "Are you all right?"

Callista nodded and handed him the cylinder. "Thank you," she said. "What are you going to tell Luke?"

"What do you want me to tell him?"

She leaned on the counter. "If he asks, then yes, tell him. But only if he asks."

Wedge nodded. "Oh, this is for you," he slid an envelop across the counter. "It should take care of you for a while."

Callista opened the envelope. Inside were several hundred credits.

"Wedge, I can't take this…"

"Of course you can. I'm giving it to you. You'll need it."

Callista nodded. "Thank you." She stood up and froze. Her hand flew to his forehead.

"What's wrong?"

"Nothing. Just a little dizzy." She forced a smile. "I should go. Thank you again." She kissed his cheek and began to leave.

"Callista."

She turned in the doorway.

"Do you really think you'll be back?"

She sighed, running her fingers along the doorjamb. "If I can."

Wedge nodded. "May the Force be with you."

She chuckled ruefully. "If I am ever that blessed, you'll see me again." She hesitated in the doorframe, and left.

Wedge crossed to the window, and after a few minutes, saw her crossing the overcast square. As he watched, she disappeared into the crowd.

Clear skies, Callista, he thought. He hoped her search would be successful, and that she'd come back. She was a good person. She was exactly what Luke had needed.

He was about to turn away from the window when the crowd in the square parted. When he looked again, he saw a single prone form writhing on the ground among them.

Callista.

"Sithspawn," Wedge muttered, and bolted for the door.

She was still lying in the square when he finally made it to the ground level. A small crowd had gathered, though most passersby continued on their way, unconcerned. Pushing through the crowd, Wedge saw a middle-aged man kneeling beside her, moving with the intent and care of a medic.

"What happened here?" Wedge demanded, intoning the detached authority that served him so well. He stopped short when he saw the pool of blood she laid in.

She just collapsed, General Antilles," the medic reported dutifully. "I can't find the origin of the bleeding, though."

Wedge knelt beside him and squeezed Callista's hand. "Who is responsible for this girl?" he asked the crowd, knowing no one would answer. He looked down at Callista again. Almost all of the blood soaked her baggy pants—clearly it was from her lower body.

"By the Force," Wedge whispered to himself, as the realization hit him like a mallet.

Callista was in surgery for two hours, as medics carefully repaired the damage the miscarriage had done to her. Wedge paced the waiting room until they were finished. He felt obligated to Luke, as his best friend, to make sure she was safe. He didn't let on that he knew her—to the galaxy, Callista was still dead—he was merely concerned for the pretty stranger's well being.

A medic finally emerged from the operating room, wiping his hands. "She'll be fine, General Antilles," he said. "The fetus we recovered was whole, perhaps a month or so along. You're sure you have no idea who she is?"

Wedge shook his head. "The first time I saw her was in the square. May I see her?"

"I don't see why not. She's just in there."

"Thank you. Oh, and see to it that her medical expenses are billed to the Republic."

The medic nodded. "Of course, sir."

Wedge passed him and opened the door of Callista's room.

He didn't expect her to be awake already, but she was sitting up in her bed, hands folded. She looked up when he came in. "What are you doing here?" she asked. Her voice was slurred from whatever drugs they'd given her, but other than that she was surprisingly lucid.

"I saw you collapse in the square. I brought you here." He walked to the side of her bed. "How do you feel?"

She shook her head. "I don't know. I had no idea." She stared into Wedge's eyes. "Promise me you won't tell Luke. It would hurt him more than I have."

Wedge nodded. "I promise."

"Thank you." She sighed. "As much as it hurts, I suppose it's for the best. I could never take care of a baby."

Wedge squeezed her shoulder. "I'm sorry."

"They're letting me out tomorrow," she said. "I can book passage on a ship and leave tomorrow afternoon." She looked up at him. "I'm really very grateful to you, Wedge."

"You're welcome. Will you be all right?"

Callista nodded. "Yes, of course. I'll be fine." She forced a smile.

Reluctantly, Wedge squeezed her hands and kissed her cheek. "Good luck, then. I hope we'll see you soon."

"You, too." Callista sat back against her pillows and watched Wedge leave, closing the door behind him. She drew her knees to her chest and buried her face in them, and wished that she could disappear into herself, forever.

Wedge arrived on Yavin that night, bringing with him fresh rations, medical supplies, and tools to repair the temples. He also carried, sealed in his pocket, Callista's message cylinder. His chrono told him it was already very late, but the students were all still outside, rebuilding the crumbled monoliths using their powers.

Kyp, Kirana Ti and Tionne helped him unload all the supplies. That done, Wedge discreetly handed Tionne the message cylinder. "What's this?" She asked.

"A private message," Wedge replied. "For Luke."

Tionne nodded.

Callista boarded the Republic shuttle Dauntless in the late afternoon of the next day. She claimed a space by a viewport and watched as the city grew smaller and smaller below them, wondering when she'd see it next. She sighed and pressed her forehead to the transparisteel. The voices would start again soon, she knew that. As soon as her painkillers wore off.

She'd need her strength back.

Bunching her jacket into a pillow, she stretched out and closed her eyes.

Luke stepped outside the Great Temple in the waning afternoon of Yavin 4. The other Jedi Knights moved around him, busy at their activities. He gazed up at the huge orange planet and reached across space with his thoughts, telling Callista of his love and of his hope that her search would someday be successful.

Only the dark side can save you. Give in to it and you will be free.

Let me take you, and I'll give you everything you want.

No…please…

There is a lot of time in the Universe. And we'll be together in time, you and I, Callista.

Callista stopped trembling, and smiled in her sleep.