Now this is a story all about how
Nikita's life got flipped, turned upside down
And she'd like to take a minute to just sit right there
And tell you how she battled her own vampire scare
- Fresh Prince... er, slightly modified to suit this story
Nikita couldn't believe the sight before her. The last time she had seen Percy, he had been lying at the bottom of a silo. More importantly, he had been dead. Very, very dead. Not that Nikita had taken his pulse or anything, but no one could have survived a fall like that. Quite simply, the man standing before her couldn't be Percy. And yet.
This wasn't how Nikita had planned on how the night would go. She and Michael had received word about a field agent who had gone rogue after Division had been dismantled. (Sort of.) The mission had been a simple one: Bring in the agent to Division headquarters so that he could be deprogrammed. No killing unless absolutely necessary. (Thank you, Ryan Fletcher.)
Nikita had gone in solo. The agent wasn't an experienced one, so Michael hadn't been worried.
Except things had gone sour, somehow. The agent was already dead when Nikita arrived at his last known address. Freshly killed, too, the blood still slick and warm. Rigor mortis hadn't even set in.
What made the whole thing even more bizarre was the figure standing over the body, the 'figure' being Percy, of course. Or, rather, the Person Who Looked Like Percy But Obviously Wasn't Because Percy Was 110% Dead.
Now this Person Who Looked Like Percy But Obviously Wasn't Because Percy Was 110% Dead (or PWLLPBOWBPW110D for short) turned around and saw her, Nikita. And he smiled.
Nikita almost jumped out of her skin.
The motherfucker had fangs.
As though the smiling wasn't creepy enough on its own!
The trickle of blood running down his chin didn't help any.
Nikita was used to weird and wacky. Her whole life had been nothing but weird and wacky, after all. But PWLLPBOWBPW110D with fangs was too weird even for her.
"Nikita!"
Fucking hell, the man even sounded like Percy. This was going to mess with Nikita's head for sure. Hello, nightmares.
Nikita's grip hadn't eased up on her gun.
(She liked her gun. It was her precious.)
"Who are you?" she demanded, aiming the gun at him.
"Nikita," PWLLPBOWBPW110D said, sounding disappointed. "I'm shocked. Forgotten, already?"
"I know you're not Percy," Nikita said. "Percy's lying in an unmarked grave somewhere, just as he deserves."
PWLLPBOWBPW110D's mouth seemed to twitch. "Funny how things work out."
"Who are you?"
PWLLPBOWBPW110D neatly wiped away the blood from his chin. "You know, I thought you'd be savvier than this. Didn't you ever read Twilight like all the other girls?"
"I know the basics, but that's a bit out of my demographic."
"I wouldn't be so sure. Look up 'Twilight Moms.'"
Nikita shook her head in disbelief. She wanted to shoot this... this Percy thing. She would have. Except... she was curious.
"What does Twilight have to do with anything?"
He only gave her a look. The famous patented Percy look. Hmm. Maybe he *was* Percy.
"Think, Nikita. You can ignore the part about the sparkles. That's not really in line with your usual...lore."
Nikita thought. And the implication came to her in a flash: Percy was a vampire.
Damn it.
Percy smiled as he saw the realization dawn in Nikita's eyes.
"Does this mean you're going to suck my blood?" Nikita said, pleased to hear her voice staying steady. (Because, seriously? Vampires? When did her life turn into an Anne Rice novel? Was Lestat going to pop out somehwere?)
"All in good time, Nikita," Percy chided. "Don't worry. This is all part of... The Plan." Nikita could hear him capitalizing the words in his head. "Killing you now would be, ahem, counterproductive." He gestured towards the agent's corpse on the floor. "This was simply a message. A way of getting your attention."
"You always did like making a dramatic entrance." Nikita rolled her eyes. "You really must be Percy."
"As I was saying." Percy smiled again. A mocking smile. His fangs seemed to flash in the thin sliver of moonlight peeking through the windows. "Until we meet again...Nikita."
And with that, he was gone. Just - disappeared. Maybe he had just turned into a bat and flown away. An invisible bat. Maybe he had run away too quickly for her to notice. Did vampires have super speed? Nikita didn't remember. She knew that Superman did.
This was not good.
"Hey, babe."
"Nikita. That was a lot sooner than I thought. Guess the mission went off without a hitch?"
"Um... not exactly."
"What happened?"
"Well... you might want to sit down for this."
"I am sitting. Wait. Hold on a second. I'm putting you on speaker phone. Birkhoff and Alex are with me... okay, done."
"All right. Birkhoff, Alex, ya there?"
"Right here, Niki."
"Yeah, Nikita. What's up?"
"..."
"Um, Niki, we can't exactly know what's going on if you don't tell us."
"..."
"Nikita? You there?"
"Yeah, Michael. I'm here. It's just, um, well... things have taken an interesting turn. I'm not sure what to think."
"What is it?"
"Something very, very weird. Nothing we've come across before."
"Nikita, we're not exactly wet behind the ears here."
"This is different. This is - you guys are going to think I'm crazy."
"Already there, babe."
"Thanks, Nerd."
"I say that with love and affection."
"Nikita, what's going on? What happened with the mission?"
"Let's just say that someone reached our guy before I did."
"Another Division agent?"
"In a manner of speaking."
"Okay...? Some elaboration would be helpful."
"Fine. Percy."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"Uh... come again?"
"It was Percy."
"..."
"..."
"..."
"Niki. Nikita. Percy's dead."
"I know."
"You dropped him down a silo."
"I know."
"So then what the hell are you talking about?"
"Let's just say that he... got better. It seems that Percy has joined the ranks of the undead."
"Wait, are we talking about zombies or vampires here?"
"Uh, the latter."
"Oh. Okay. Good. Zombies freak me out."
"Vampires aren't exactly good, either, Birkhoff."
"Yeah, but you can reason with vampires. Zombies, on the other hand, are interested in one thing and one thing only: braaaaaaaaaainnnnnnnnssssss."
"Dude. Birkhoff."
"Sorry. Anyway, so dear ol' Darth Percy has turned into a vampire, huh? What does this mean?"
"I don't know. Percy talked about some sort of plan. That's why he didn't kill me then and there."
"This is not good. Where are you right now?"
"Outside a gas station in Williamsburg."
"All right. You'd better get back here. We can talk about it some more then. Figure out what's going on."
"We're gonna need to let Ryan and Sean in on the loop."
"Already on it. I've already texted Sean. He's at the headquarters and can let Ryan know."
"Thanks, Alex. I should go. It'll take me the entire night to get back. Meanwhile, the three of you can start looking into this. Might as well get a head start on figuring out what the heck happened."
"Got it."
"Wait. Before you hang up - if Percy is a vampire now, what do we call him? Perstat? Percyferatu? Percy Cullen?"
"BIRKHOFF."
A/N: Yes, this is pure and utter crackfic. :) I wrote this out really quickly after hearing Craig Silverstein say, "This isn't The Vampire Diaries," after someone asked him about the show. We'll see, Craig, we'll see...