So a little on the dark side, but hey I'm in a dark mood. The talk of Kensi's journal (among other things) got me thinking. Probably no journal, she's not gonna write things down is she?
'Ughh' Kensi sat down with a thump, beer in one hand remote in the other, her couch used to the sudden shock of her arrival. She scanned thru the contents of her tevo, with nothing really catching her eye. Went to scan thru the night's line up on the TV menu.
God she was sick of this every night the same thing, home, shower – need to wash the day away, beer, TV. She would love to blame it on her job, hard to have an active social life when you're an undercover agent. Hell she'd settle for a social life period! Apart from a friends party a few weeks ago she hadn't been out in months, no fun going out alone, had done it but had never stayed long. It was easy to smile and say everything was fine, no not fine, good. She'd been saying it so long, some of the time she even believed it herself. Easy to hide the truth, but at the moment, her mood was getting darker by the day, she didn't even want to go to work.
Work, she was struggling to hold it together, finding it harder to smile at the right time and pretend that she was happy. If they ever knew how self conscious and unconfident she ever was they'd probably fire her, definitely would bench her. She was one hell of an actress she raised the bottle to herself, not really one to give herself credit, but her acting ability she knew was Oscar wining.
Don't bother pointing out anymore that maybe you should choose which one of your team mates should play your lover/husband/boyfriend/friend tonight. It's never actually been your choice, just hope that they don't have to get too close, why should you have any say, just smile and nod in the right place. Just the window dressing.
Smile at the right time, don't complain when Hetty gives you next to nothing to wear, even though you feel so exposed you might as well be naked. Hope they don't notice the pain killers you take in advance because you know by the end of the op your ankles will be screaming at you.
Reruns only, great, more boredom. Criminal Minds marathon on A&E, nice and dark suits her mood, even though she's seen them all (except 2 on purpose) before. She smiles at the banter between the characters, wonder if they'd notice her mood? Anyone really would say talk to someone, sounds good, except she doesn't trust anyone. Oh, she knows the team have her back but sit down and tell them how insignificant they make her feel? Tell them how she hasn't had sex in so long she's practically a virgin, because she doesn't trust any guy she meets? Yeah, that'd go down well, they'd laugh their asses off.
Trust. Such a little word, someone once said trust is just another word for love, can't remember who, think it was in a song from a long time ago. Trust, sounds so easy, but not for her, on the odd occasion she has trusted, it's blown up in her face. Jack was the worst breach of trust, the one who taught her that no one is ever there for you, no matter what they say, they'll always take what they want then leave.
Kensi smiles at Garcia being OTT with Morgan, wonder if she would tell him everything? Sure she would but that's TV, the real world just isn't that easy. She had almost told Janet, one of the support crew at ops, about how she felt. They got on well and Janet had come to her for advice, after allowing herself to be used by a man. She had almost made the mistake, of trusting, but Janet suddenly had to speak to someone else and dropped her like a hot potato. Didn't know why she was surprised, but today it just felt like a kick in the teeth. Luckily she hadn't opened up, hadn't started to trust her friend, she was good at listening, just as long as she didn't want to talk.
The reason for her bad mood for the last week or so was, she realised with a sigh, was a man. How dumb was she, no wonder she was treated like an after thought, a man had made her realise how lonely she was. She'd met him at the party, a friend of a friend, dumb but she knew that's how her parents had met. He seemed interested, really interested, she even gave him her number, she never gave out her number, not that she was often asked for it. He had text her, and not wanting to seem desperate she left it 2 days to text back, he'd text once more just asking how she was, a response in kind was the last communication. That was 5 days ago.
Kensi got up for another beer and also poured herself a double JD and coke, recently developed a taste for it, and she needed the shot. The lack of food in her stomach meant hopefully it would help her sleep. Her stomach wasn't complaining it was used to the small amount she ate, but with the weekend off it was probably safe to eat something, Hetty wouldn't be handing her a bikini to wear tomorrow, well not unless something went very, very wrong.
She knew she wasn't that pretty, but she wasn't that bad looking either, so how come no one was interested in her, well no one sober, Marty (yeah his name was Marty), had obviously sobered up and realised what a mistake he was making. Why else go from super interested to non existent? To make it worse all week after the party she wasn't sure what scared her more, that he would or wouldn't contact her. So he wasn't drop dead gorgeous, she had a thing for the Chris O'Donnell look, short hair, stubble, the rugged look she decided. Marty didn't fit that at all. Maybe she was interested in him because he had been interested in her? That scared her even more, was she that desperate? Another double JD and coke, beer back to the couch. Even Reid had a love interest.
Then there was her partner, Marty Deeks, he obviously had a thing for her. She knew it, she knew the whole office knew it. She never let on she knew, he was the only one she could be friendly, to the point of flirty with. Not that she felt anything but friendship for him, he was a friend, probably why she always felt so dirty when he was playing her lover/boyfriend. She knew he wanted her, she didn't want him and there she was practically giving him the come on, for the duration of the op only. She always showered at the office after those ops, funny Callen never made her feel bad, but he was smarter than to be interested in her. Had to wash Deeks off, felt wrong, creepy, just made her feel guilty, she could never be what he wanted.
What would Deeks do if he found out about Marty? Not that it mattered, Marty wasn't interested, that was clear. She wasn't worried about Deeks reaction to one of her dates, he was used to that, the one date rule was perfect, no one ever expected any details. She could make up what she needed to get them, well Sam really, off her back, it was ok for him he had a wife to go back to. She wasn't jealous of his marriage, she didn't believe in it, it was just an expensive piece of paper that didn't mean anything, not in this town anyway. Marriage wouldn't have stopped Jack leaving, what was the point. She didn't want kids either, never had, Jack had been cool with that. Certainly with her lifestyle a kid would be the worst thing that could happen to both her and a kid.
Kensi looked at the clock, 11pm, screw this time for bed, hopefully the alcohol would take effect soon. She looked at the mess that was her living room, she had started to clean it out, wouldn't want a potential boyfriend seeing it like this, that had started her off, but since there wasn't likely to be anyone in the near future, maybe she'd leave it alone. A workout in the morning, sounded like a plan, and then pizza, when she got like this she wanted comfort food, Saturday was a good day for comfort food, she could go back to either salad or water on Sunday. Life sucked, she just hoped she got out of this funk soon, cos she really wasn't about to talk to anyone about it.
Kensi turned out the light, yeah, it'll be better tomorrow, she'd work her way out of it, always had. Would get herself out of it, cos no one was gonna help her. Trust such a little word, such a huge meaning, maybe one day…..
Yeah maybe.