Disclaimer: I only own the idea, kind of.

AN: So this is an attempt on writing a story… I hope you like it!

I must survive

Chapter 1

My thoughts were driving me crazy, should I call her and tell her how I felt or should I stay silent? I don't know…

I was angry at her for not seeing the love in my eyes, at the same time I know I can't blame her. She's in love with Casey, not with me.

Call her, don't call her.

Call her, don't call her.

I was in a battle with myself, it was already a week. A week I was gone, a week ago I drove away and cut off every way they could connect me. My phone was off and I had told no one where I was going. I could figure out a way to live with the fact that Jane was going to settle down and maybe start a family. I needed to support her, be the good friend she needed me to be. But deep down I know I can't be the person she wants me to be. I can't watch her living the happy life while I am dying on the inside.

I needed to get out of the cabin, I knew there was a storm coming but I didn't care. I needed to get out of here, now.

I stepped into my car and drove away, the rain blurring my sight but I still went. The wind was blowing on the left side of my car, lifting it just a bit. Not enough to fall but hard enough to feel the car wobble in the wind. I gripped my steering wheel tight, the car was sometimes swinging to the right.

While I was driving I let my thoughts run wild again, forgetting all about the weather.

I still can't believe it, how does she not see it? She's a detective! Boston's finest! How is it possible? Thinking about it makes me sad, I lost Jane. To Casey.

I didn't had the guts to tell her how I felt, I regret that now. She will be his in a few months, after accepting his proposal he started to make plans already. He didn't wanted to wait any longer.

Leaving them all behind was hard, but it was temporary. At least that's what I told them. I can't see the woman with who I am in love with marrying someone who doesn't deserve her. He leaves and comes back, leaves and comes back. So it went, for a long time.

I know that falling in love with your best friend is stupid, but you can't stop the heart. I want Jane, I want her to be my girlfriend, I want to come home to her, I want to make her laugh, I want to make love to her.

But it's too late.

I gripped the steering wheel tighter, my knuckles getting white. The rain which was slamming on the front window wasn't helping either. The wind was getting stronger by the minute. Why did I leave the cabin and went for a ride when this storm was coming. Now I was in the middle of the storm, on a small road somewhere in the forest. I couldn't see anything, the rain fell with big droplets down, blurring my vision at first, now it was like I was blind. But this was the way to think for me.

Thinking back to the day I left was hurting my heart, but she had broken it that day.

I had packed my bags two days ago. Still not sure if I should leave or not. Jane was coming over for dinner today which made me happy. I hadn't seen her in a while, well in our free time then. At work I saw her all the time, but then she was her professional version of Jane.

I was currently cooking dinner for us, chicken with potatoes and some carrots. Simple but healthy. She would arrive in 20 minutes, just enough time to finish cooking.

While the chicken was in the oven I went to set the table. Poured some red wine in my glass and placed a bottle of beer next to Jane's plate. I leaned against the counter, taking little sips of my wine.

The bitter red liquid reminded me of the movie nights I had with Jane. I tried to remember when out last movie night was, that would have been four of five weeks ago. And next Saturday wasn't going to be a movie night either.

The beep of the oven brought me back on earth, I placed my wine on the counter and quickly grabbed my oven mitts. I opened the oven and a delicious smell filled the room. I took the chicken out and placed it on the stove, letting it cool down. The potatoes were ready so I placed them on the plates, carrots following. I put the chicken on the last empty space on the plate and brought them to the table.

One minute left, perfectly done Maura.

I took my wine from the kitchen and made my way over to the couch. Now I had to wait for Jane to arrive.

I waited, five minutes. Maybe she was stuck at work?

Ten minutes.

Fifteen minutes.

I grabbed my phone and searcher her number. I waited for her to pick up.

"Hi Maura!" Jane greeted happily.

"Hey Jane." I greeted back, "Will it take long before you arrive?"

"Um, what do you mean?" She asked confused.

"Well you were supposed to be here fifteen minutes ago, dinner is already a bit cold."

"O shit Maur! I totally forgot! Casey called and asked me out so we went to this nice little place. It's really romantic and…"

I wasn't listening anymore, she had forgotten. Just like that. I wasn't important enough anymore, Casey was now her priority and nothing was better than him.

"Goodbye Jane." I hung up with tears in my eyes. I was done.

I practically ran upstairs and grabbed two suit cases, I brought them down. Another two suit cases followed.

I went to the guest house and knocked. After a few seconds the door opened and Angela stood there in her PJ's.

"Maura what's wrong?" She asked concerned when she saw the tears running down my cheeks.

"I just need to get out of town, can you keep an eye on my house and Bass?"

"Of course, but why are you leaving?" She had a concerned and confused look on her face.

I turned around and walked back to my house, just before I entered I looked over my shoulder and said "Jane."

I grabbed my suit cases and loaded my car, completely forgotten about the food which was still untouched.

I stepped into the driver's seat and started the engine. Without looking back or giving it another thought I drove away from my house.

That's how I ended up at the cabin. It was a good decision though. It gave me the space I needed.

And worrying about work was over now too. I was on personal leave for a few weeks, well one was already over.

Maybe I should go back to the cabin, the storm was getting worse by the minute.

I managed to turn the car and drive back through the rain, the pounding on the roof of the car was a deaf making sound, the wind was like screaming girls when it circles around my car.

I had arrived at the cabin. I was too tired to unpack my bags so I just stripped down to my bra and panties and curled up in my bed. Deep sorry was the only thing I knew right now. I had just lost the love of my life, but she didn't even know. She didn't even know I was gay! One word was like a mantra in my head; How? How could she not noticed the quite inappropriate touching I did sometimes. How could she not see the big smile she only deserved. Which friends spend the night together in one bed while they aren't even together? Our movie nights and sleepovers stopped since the proposal, I think that Casey doesn't want Jane to stay with me.

I miss Jane… maybe if I had told her then…

Suddenly there is a tree lying flat on the road, it probably fell because of the wind. I tried the brake but my tires can't get a grip on the road and I slide forward. I turn the steering wheel to the right, hoping to avoid the tree. I start to slide circles, again I try the brake. No effect.

I see the edge of the road coming dangerously close. I try everything to stop the car, but I can't. The road is slippery, I hear the tires screech and in my panic I pull the handbrake. The car slides forward and I tumble over the edge. I feel myself turning upside down, and back up. And again upside down, then the hood of the car crash against a tree. I am pushed forward and feel an incredible pain in my head when it slams against the steering wheel.

I open my eyes, seeing only darkness. What happened? My head is pounding and my leg hurts so bad. I look up, my eyes are used to the dark by now and I see that the front of my car is ruined, the window is broken and the left side of the car is dented to me. I tried to move but my leg is stuck somewhere. I feel my way down my leg and notice I don't feel anything in my foot right now, but with the lightest touch on my tibia I whine from pain.

I pull my leg from the weird position it is in, tears streaming down my face in the process. The pain wasn't unbearable but I needed to get out of the car. I heard the rain still slamming down in the car, the wind still blowing like it did before.

I get my leg out and try the door, it won't open. I find the little hammer on the back seat, I slam against the window a few times. I don't slam hard enough, it makes me feel hopeless. Tears are making their way down again and I start to slam furiously against the window. Finally I hear the glass groan and it breaks. I let out a hysterical laugh and throw the hammer back on the back seat. I start to climb out, careful for the little pieces of glass that are still on the edges.

I stumble out of the window and fall flat on my back, the rain and water from the ground directly soaking me. I groan in pain when the air leaves my longs because of the impact of my fall. I crawl onto my knees which was hurting so badly but I had to.

Bag.

Where is my bag! Trunk!

I crawl around the car to the trunk, it is cracked open. Luckily. I stand up, I can only stand on my left leg, my right one is probably broken. I pull it open and see my bag. Some stuff has fallen out into the empty space, I quickly collect it and put everything back into my bag. I have one apple, my phone, an old sandwich and a bottle of water.

I pull my bag out of the trunk and quickly stumble away, the rain and wind are freezing me to the bone. But I have to go on.

I walk and walk, I don't know for how long and how far but I just walk. I don't know where the road is and I forgot which way it is back to my car. Where is the Maura I know? Why can't I think clear anymore? Why is the world turning and blurry?

I remember hitting my head on the steering wheel, now the throbbing headache, turning and unclear vision. Concussion.

I need to rest, I know that, but where?

I keep walking, it goes slow and painful. I can see the first sunrays peeking through the empty spaced between the leaves. The storm is decreasing, which is a good sign.

I stand still, the sun warming my body. I fall to my knees, then collapse on the ground with one thing on my mind; Jane.

Let me know if I should continue! Or stop right here cuz it's so bad…