Disclaimer: Look, I know this is going to come as a shock to everyone, but I do not own LOTR or any of the characters in it. Well, maybe. . .no, wait, I don't. Now that I've made the announcement of the century, I introduce my humble little fic for your enjoyment.
After a long day of tracking orcs, Aragorn, Gimli, Legolas, and Mary Sue were sitting around a fire not doing much of anything. Well not Aragorn, he was off getting firewood. On his return, he found Legolas and Mary Sue right where he had left them. . .cuddling.
"I love you more," Legolas cooed.
"No, I love you more," Mary replied sweetly.
"No way, I love you more."
"No, I so totally love you more."
This continued while Aragorn and Gimli attended the campsite and did tasks that would normally have been split up among the three of them, but since the elf's brains had turned almost instantly to mush, practicality fell to them.
"That's it!" Aragorn exploded, throwing down the firewood, "I can't take this anymore! If I have to hear anymore of this, someone's getting chucked off the nearest cliff."
"Oh!" Mary said indignantly, upset her gushing time had been interrupted, "You wanna make something of it?"
Aragorn looked surprised, for he had meant Legolas, and replied, "Don't be stupid. You just got transported here from the portal you never knew was in your closet. You don't have the skills to compete against me."
Suddenly, a sword appeared in Mary's hand and she answered, "I'm gonna kick your Dunedain ass."
"Well, actually it would be Dunedan ass. Dunedain means more than one Dunedan, and as I am the Dunedan and there are no other of my companions with me, it would just be Dunedan."
"What?" she asked confused.
"Don't bother explaining it to her Aragorn," Legolas interrupted, "She's just some teenie bopper. You wouldn't expect her to actually pick up a book now would you? After all, she still thinks I'm from Rivendell."
"You're supposed to be defending me!" Mary shrieked, "And I thought it was Riverdell."
"Oh god, we're not from some cheap trailer park," Gimli muttered.
"Whatever," Mary answered, holding up her hands in a `W' shape, "I'm still going to beat you up."
So, Aragorn and Mary Sue battled. But, to the Ranger's surprise, for every attack he could devise, Mary came up with a counter attack. Soon, HE was the one on the defensive and it was all he could do to keep up.
"How can you do this?" Aragorn panted, dodging a blow.
"Because," Mary replied evilly, "I am perfect. I can do whatever it is I want to do. I am God's gift to man, perfection in every aspect of the word. So, even though you've been training with a sword for years, are physically stronger, and have the blood of Elendil in your veins, I can still beat you. . . just because. Isn't that like soooo cool?"
"Shit," Aragorn muttered.
Soon, he was on his last leg and Mary Sue rose up to deliver the final blow. But, when all hope seemed lost, a fleeting figure rushed in and knocked the sword away.
"What the-" Aragorn said, rubbing his head. And who should stand before him but Arwen.
"What are you doing here?" Legolas seethed.
"I've come to save my sweetie."
"And. . . how are you going to do that?" Gimli inquired, "I mean, all you did the whole trilogy was sit on your ass and join up with Aragorn AFTER the war of the ring was over."
"Errr. . .yeah. But I can help this time."
"Well, I'm out of options," Aragorn answered, "Besides, maybe I'll get lucky and you'll end up killing each other off."
"Okay, you see she'll never be able to beat me because I'm the ORIGINAL Mary Sue!" Arwen announced dramatically, causing Mary to take a step back, "Oh yes, after all, wasn't it I that was able to marry one of the best guys of Middle Earth and thus secure myself for life with the least amount of effort? Wasn't it I that, by simply being beautiful, was able to become the queen of one of the most powerful regions of Middle Earth? Muahahahahaha!"
And, hearing this statement, Mary Sue knew this to be true. She screamed in despair, knowing all hope to win Middle Earth was lost. With one last agonizing scream, the young model of perfection vanished.
"Well. . .that's the freakiest thing I've ever seen," Legolas stated awkwardly, after she was gone.
"Don't forget the Balrog," Gimli reminded him.
"Oh yeah, that too."
"Aren't you proud of me?" Arwen asked Aragorn fleetingly, practically dancing around him in her excitement, "Didn't I do a good job?"
"I need a vacation," the king announced tiredly.
As the group of four turned back to Gondor, a thought occurred to Gimli. He dismissed it, but then the same thought occurred to Legolas so he said, "Hey wait a minute. Arwen's still a Mary Sue. . ."
"So?" she retorted irritably. This outdoors thing was messing with her complexion.
"Yeah," Aragorn said catching on, "And we REALLY don't like Mary Sues. . . "
Psychotic grins spread across the faces of the three men and they quickly descended on the elven princess.
THE END
Well, whata think? Review please, even if you hated it.
After a long day of tracking orcs, Aragorn, Gimli, Legolas, and Mary Sue were sitting around a fire not doing much of anything. Well not Aragorn, he was off getting firewood. On his return, he found Legolas and Mary Sue right where he had left them. . .cuddling.
"I love you more," Legolas cooed.
"No, I love you more," Mary replied sweetly.
"No way, I love you more."
"No, I so totally love you more."
This continued while Aragorn and Gimli attended the campsite and did tasks that would normally have been split up among the three of them, but since the elf's brains had turned almost instantly to mush, practicality fell to them.
"That's it!" Aragorn exploded, throwing down the firewood, "I can't take this anymore! If I have to hear anymore of this, someone's getting chucked off the nearest cliff."
"Oh!" Mary said indignantly, upset her gushing time had been interrupted, "You wanna make something of it?"
Aragorn looked surprised, for he had meant Legolas, and replied, "Don't be stupid. You just got transported here from the portal you never knew was in your closet. You don't have the skills to compete against me."
Suddenly, a sword appeared in Mary's hand and she answered, "I'm gonna kick your Dunedain ass."
"Well, actually it would be Dunedan ass. Dunedain means more than one Dunedan, and as I am the Dunedan and there are no other of my companions with me, it would just be Dunedan."
"What?" she asked confused.
"Don't bother explaining it to her Aragorn," Legolas interrupted, "She's just some teenie bopper. You wouldn't expect her to actually pick up a book now would you? After all, she still thinks I'm from Rivendell."
"You're supposed to be defending me!" Mary shrieked, "And I thought it was Riverdell."
"Oh god, we're not from some cheap trailer park," Gimli muttered.
"Whatever," Mary answered, holding up her hands in a `W' shape, "I'm still going to beat you up."
So, Aragorn and Mary Sue battled. But, to the Ranger's surprise, for every attack he could devise, Mary came up with a counter attack. Soon, HE was the one on the defensive and it was all he could do to keep up.
"How can you do this?" Aragorn panted, dodging a blow.
"Because," Mary replied evilly, "I am perfect. I can do whatever it is I want to do. I am God's gift to man, perfection in every aspect of the word. So, even though you've been training with a sword for years, are physically stronger, and have the blood of Elendil in your veins, I can still beat you. . . just because. Isn't that like soooo cool?"
"Shit," Aragorn muttered.
Soon, he was on his last leg and Mary Sue rose up to deliver the final blow. But, when all hope seemed lost, a fleeting figure rushed in and knocked the sword away.
"What the-" Aragorn said, rubbing his head. And who should stand before him but Arwen.
"What are you doing here?" Legolas seethed.
"I've come to save my sweetie."
"And. . . how are you going to do that?" Gimli inquired, "I mean, all you did the whole trilogy was sit on your ass and join up with Aragorn AFTER the war of the ring was over."
"Errr. . .yeah. But I can help this time."
"Well, I'm out of options," Aragorn answered, "Besides, maybe I'll get lucky and you'll end up killing each other off."
"Okay, you see she'll never be able to beat me because I'm the ORIGINAL Mary Sue!" Arwen announced dramatically, causing Mary to take a step back, "Oh yes, after all, wasn't it I that was able to marry one of the best guys of Middle Earth and thus secure myself for life with the least amount of effort? Wasn't it I that, by simply being beautiful, was able to become the queen of one of the most powerful regions of Middle Earth? Muahahahahaha!"
And, hearing this statement, Mary Sue knew this to be true. She screamed in despair, knowing all hope to win Middle Earth was lost. With one last agonizing scream, the young model of perfection vanished.
"Well. . .that's the freakiest thing I've ever seen," Legolas stated awkwardly, after she was gone.
"Don't forget the Balrog," Gimli reminded him.
"Oh yeah, that too."
"Aren't you proud of me?" Arwen asked Aragorn fleetingly, practically dancing around him in her excitement, "Didn't I do a good job?"
"I need a vacation," the king announced tiredly.
As the group of four turned back to Gondor, a thought occurred to Gimli. He dismissed it, but then the same thought occurred to Legolas so he said, "Hey wait a minute. Arwen's still a Mary Sue. . ."
"So?" she retorted irritably. This outdoors thing was messing with her complexion.
"Yeah," Aragorn said catching on, "And we REALLY don't like Mary Sues. . . "
Psychotic grins spread across the faces of the three men and they quickly descended on the elven princess.
THE END
Well, whata think? Review please, even if you hated it.