Losing Faith

Grissom was glad to be home. It had been a long shift, he was tired and all he wanted was a hot shower and his comfy bed.

"Sara?"

"I'm in the bath"

Grissom smiled as he stripped off his jacket and put his suitcase by the door. When they had moved into this townhouse, Sara's only request was a large bathtub. They had too many plates, too much cutlery and not enough room to house the thousands of books that they had collected over they had each collected over the years but it was their space. A place where they could be themselves, where their relationship was no one else's business.

The bathroom was well and truly steamed up and Grissom slipped into the room before closing the door behind him to try and keep the heat in.

"Hey beautiful"

Sara smiled at him over the huge amounts of bubble bath that surrounded her.

"Hey"

Grissom pulled the small stool that was beside the basin, settling himself beside the tub.

"Sara, is something wrong?"

"Why do you think something is wrong?"

"Because you've been so quiet the last few days."

Sara sighed and sat up in the tub, the bubbles slipping down her neck and back.

"I'm sorry for worrying you"

Grissom picked up a face cloth that sat on the edge of the tub and began washing Sara's back in gentle circles.

"I'm not worried, I'm concerned."

Sara smiled widely at him, the first proper smile in a matter of days.

"I've heard that one before."

"Well it's true. So are you going to tell me what's going on?"

Sara sighed, resting her chin on her knees.

"I'm pregnant"

Grissom halted in his back washing duties, trying to process the new information. Sara was pregnant. How was he meant to react to news like that?

"Oh"

Sara laughed bitterly.

"That's the same reaction I had when Doc told me."

"You went to see Doc?"

"Yeah. I wasn't feeling well and I thought it was the flu but he made me take the test."

"How far along are you?"

"About four weeks. No physical changes yet."

"Didn't you think something was wrong, I mean you were four weeks late."

Sara raised her eyebrows at him.

"We've been pulling double, even triple shifts Gil. I thought it was stress, nothing more."

Grissom cleared his throat and continued washing her back, trying to gather his thoughts together. Could they make a child fit into their lives? They worked long hours, barely having enough time for each other and their relationship, let alone for a baby.

"What are we going to do Gil?"

"I really don't know"

Sara stood up, the bubbles clinging to her body. Grissom wordlessly grabbed a towel off the heating rack before wrapping it around her, pulling her into a hug. Sara let out a low moan and began to cry, her shoulders shaking hard. Grissom rested his cheek on her damp hair and waited until the sobs had made their way from her slim frame. Grissom continued to hold her, ignoring his now damp clothes, trying to figure out what this meant for them as a whole.

"Are you ok?"

Sara pulled away from him, her face red from tears.

"Yeah. I'm just a little confused. And a little cold. I forgot to put the heater on when I got into the tub."

Grissom pressed a kiss to her forehead.

"Go and get dressed and I'll make us a cup of tea. Do you want anything to eat?"

Sara shook her head as she stepped out of the tub, her wet feet leaving prints on the blue tiled floor. Grissom watched as she left the bathroom, his stomach settling somewhere in her shoes. Him, a father, Sara a mother, them a family. Sara and himself had made their own little family, just the two of them. How would a child fit into that equation? Grissom made his feet move and headed to the kitchen to make the tea, pausing at the wall that was covered in pictures of Grissom, Sara and their team. He studied the pictures they had taken just last week when Sara had dragged him into a photo booth. They had pulled faces, kissed and generally made asses of themselves, the camera capturing every second. He always felt like a fool in love, like it was high school all over again. Falling in love with a girl and finding yourself doing things to try and impress her. But unlike high school, this girl, his girl could only be impressed by real things. She would rather have him restock her kit or buy her lunch then the normal barrage of roses and chocolates. She was good for him, he knew that. She made him feel twenty years younger. She made him relax and challenged him in ways that he had never been challenged before. He tore himself away from the pictures and into the kitchen where he began to make the tea, his mind only half on the task at hand. Sara padded back into the kitchen, dressed in a pair of plaid PJ bottoms and an old LVPD t-shirt, her normally pretty face pulled into a depressed slump. She sat heavily on the kitchen stool, her head coming to rest on her hand. Grissom placed a large mug of hot tea in front of her.

"Are you ok?'

"No. What are we going to do?"

Grissom sighed and ran his hand through his hair, trying to form his words appropriately.

"We have options here Sara."

"I just can't get my mind around the idea that I'm pregnant."

"When did it happen? We've been so careful"

"Not all the time. I think it happened that time in the locker room."

Grissom remembered that time alright, it was the one and only time that they had let their passion get the better of them.

"Oh shit. I'm sorry Sara. I should have been more careful"

Sara smiled slightly.

"Gil it takes two to tango. I wanted it as much as you did."

"Well, it was fun at least."

"Yeah it was"

Grissom reached over and put his hand over hers, the other pushing the damp hair out of her eyes.

"I love you Sara, you know that right?"

"And I love you"

"If you want this baby, then I want it as well"

"I don't want an abortion"

"Then I don't want one either"

Sara played with the tea bag, breathing in the hot steam.

"Do you think we could do it?"

"Raise a child? Yes I think we could. You?"

"Yes and no. What kind of chance would it have with two socially unaware parents and a murderous grand-mother?"

Grissom gave Sara a small smile.

"If the baby is anything like you, then we won't have any problems."

Sara smiled at him, leaning forward and kissing him. She broke it off and then came around the table to sit on his lap. She rested her head on his shoulder and nuzzled his neck. Grissom breathed deeply, her clean sweet smelling skin tickling his nose.

"So we're having a baby then?"

"I don't know. We've only been together a year Gil. I don't want to ruin what we have."

"A child won't ruin it Sara. It'll change it but not ruin it. I think we're stronger then that."

Sara pressed her face into his neck, her hair tickling his chin. She wanted this to be a dream. A terrible dream that she would wake up from.

"I think I'm going to need a little more time. Maybe even talk to Cath, she's the current expert."

"Take all the time in the world Sara. I'm here for you, whatever you decide."

"Thank you"

Grissom continued to hold her, watching as the sun began to rise over Las Vegas. Another day was starting and he already had more then enough information to process. Their lives were going to change forever, regardless of what they eventually decided. A baby was a huge deal and it scared Grissom more then he was willing to say. It had taken him a lifetime to find Sara and give every speck of courage that he had to give up what he did to be with her. He didn't regret or even think about what he missed, Sara and their lives they lived now was worth every drop of effort.

"Rather ironic that I found myself in this exact situation when I was with Hank."

"You were pregnant?"

"I thought I was. Hank went nuts. Now I understand why. Juggling two women and a baby would have been difficult."

"Can I ask you something?"

"Of course you can"

"What was Hank? I've always wanted to know that"

Sara sat lifted her head and placed her hand on the back of his neck, playing with the curls that sat there.

"He was a comfort. I was lonely and confused about our relationship. He was a friend that was in my bed. You, on the other hand, are the love of my life. "

Grissom pushed some hair off her face, letting it settle on the soft curve of her mouth.

"God. Because I need you always. I'm nothing without you."

Sara nodded slightly. She felt the same way, she always had. That's why she was terrified that a baby would change that.

"You need to get some sleep Gil, we can talk more in the morning."

Grissom smiled and pointed out the window to the pinky-orange sky.

"It's already morning"

"You know what I mean"

Sara rolled her eyes at him before slipping from her lap, gathering their mugs and heading to the kitchen. Normally, Sara was not the best housekeeper, often leaving things until they absolutely had to be done. But when she was upset or stressed, the house shone with a long forgotten shine. After she was finished loading the dishes into the dishwasher, she can and took the seat across from him.

"So are you coming to bed with me?"

Sara glanced at the clock that sat on the wall above them.

"The doctor opens in an hour. I want to officially confirm that I m pregnant."

"Do you want me there with you?"

Sara shook her head and pointed to their bedroom, her face stern.

"I want you in that bed. You need to sleep"

Grissom shook his head back at her.

"I'm going to go with my instincts here and go with you. I can sleep when we get back."

Sara studied him a moment before allowing to let the relief come over her face. She had wanted Grissom to come with her but she didn't want to force him, she wanted him to make his own decision.

"Good. I really don't want to be alone."

"Didn't think so"

They stayed where they were, quietly watching the never ending hour pass, the hour that would change their lives forever.

Doctor Elizabeth Jacobs was an energetic woman who made Grissom feel distinctly old. She worked quickly, taking blood and urine from Sara, who sat silently in the chair.

"Right Sara, let me go and see if you do have indeed have a bun in the oven."

She flashed them both a pretty smile before disappearing from the room. Sara's grip on Grissom's hand was tight, the only indication of just how scared she was. Grissom realized on the drive over that he was no longer scared, just excited. He kept it to himself though, he wanted to know exactly where it stood.

"It's going to be a nice day"

Grissom followed her gaze out the window where the sun was shining high and hot in the sky.

"It's always nice in Vegas."

"I know. I'm just feeling contemplative"

"About what?"

Sara indicated to her flat stomach.

"About this, us."

"We are great Sara."

"But if we're pregnant-"

"Being pregnant won't change what we have. We've both waited too long and worked to hard to let this change us"

"But it will change us, whether we are aware of it or not. Children do that Gil."

"I know Sara. But we need to stop jumping ahead of ourselves, lets just see what the doctor says."

Sara gave a slight nod, continuing her gaze out the window. She was terrified, confused and worried. She hated feeling so out of control. Her own body had betrayed her again and she hated it. Worse still, she knew that Grissom would make a great father but she didn't know if she was ready to be a mother. It seemed like a mere second before Dr. Jacobs came back, a bright smile on her face.

"Congratulations, you are definitely pregnant."

Sara could feel the vomit rising in her throat but she pushed it down with a hard swallow.

"How far along?"

"No idea. But we can do a scan to find out"

The doctor disappeared again but came back a few moments later, coming back with a mobile scanner machine.

"Sara, climb up on the table here, hike up your top and we'll see what your baby has to tell us."

Sara did as she was told, laying quiet and still as the doctor plugged the machine in. She ignored the cold sensation that the lubricant casued as the doctor put a blob on her stomach. A few minutes later, a tiny bleeping sound filled the room.

"And there's the baby"

Sara swallowed heavily, her eyes on the ceiling. She was too scared to look at the screen.

"Sara, take a look."

Grissom stroked her hair, his eyes locked on the tiny form inside of her.

"I can't"

"Why?"

"Because I'm scared."

Grissom laid a kiss on her cheek, his mouth stopping near her ear.

"So am I. But we'll do this together, ok?"

Sara looked into his eyes, took a deep breath and looked at the screen. The baby was clear in the shadows of her stomach. A tiny person that would change their lives forever.

"How far along am I?"

"Almost three months"

"But I haven't changed physically. No morning sickness, no mood swings, nothing."

"I know what you do for a living Sara. You work long hours, miss breaks and lose sleep. Your baby and your body are effected by this. You have low iron levels, low vitamin levels and your blood sugar is in the ground."

"So now what?"

The doctor switched off the machine, wiping Sara's stomach down as she spoke.

"You need to decide whether to keep the baby or not. But if you decide to keep it, be prepared for a huge change. Your stomach, your breasts, everything is going to get bigger."

Sara sat up and looked down at her body, her hand going instinctively to her stomach. Grissom couldn't read the expression that crossed her face but she remained quiet for the rest of the appointment and all the way home. She went straight to their bedroom, silently closing the door behind her. Grissom was torn between following her and giving her the space she obviously needed so desperately. Sara needed help and he knew just who to call.

When Catherine finally arrived, she spoke briefly to Grissom before heading into the room. Sara was laying on the large bed, her back to the door, her arms around her legs as she stared at the wall.

"Hey Sara."

Sara didn't move as Catherine settled herself on the bed.

"Gil called you didn't he?"

"He's worried"

"He's always worried"

"He's just as scared as you are. You know that, right?"

"Yes. But I'm the one who has this baby inside of me. I'm the one who gets all the changes, not him. He said he'll support me in whatever I decide but how do I decide what to do?"

Catherine shrugged.

"There's options open to you. Abortion, adoption or keeping it"

"Did he tell you that we saw the baby, heard the heart beat?"

"Yes"

"Then you know abortion is not an option. I couldn't do that to Grissom or to myself."

Catherine sighed, her hand coming to rest on Sara's shoulder.

"So what are you going to do?"

"You tell me because I have no idea"

Over the next few weeks, the changes that Doctor Jacobs said would happen, did. Her body changed so rapidly, she felt like an alien in a foreign land. Her back ached from her sudden breast and stomach size increase and Grissom had made it part of their nightly ritual to give her massages wherever she had been aching the most that day. She was popping vitamin and iron pill every five minutes and felt like nothing more then a fat slouch in Catherine's old maternity clothes. Grissom had gone out of his way to make life as easy as possible for her, reducing her hours to almost nothing, making sure that she never lifted anything and cooking her meals from a pregnancy book that Catherine had given him. They never talked about what would happen when the baby arrived but Sara knew that Grissom thought that this was it, he was finally going to be a father. Sara, on the other hand, was still stuck in her circle of fear, going over and over again why she would not make a good mother. She didn't feel any kind of love towards the baby growing inside of her, just resentment for what it was doing to her body and her life. Catherine said it was normal, that she had done the exact same thing when she was pregnant with Lindsey. But Sara doubted that she felt it with such awe-consuming intensity.

Sara was emptying her locked when the first twinges of pain hit her lower back and stomach. She ignored them, her body had been doing a lot of funny things lately and this was just something else she added to her list. She had to sit down as the pain became more intense, a sudden dizzy spell making the room spin. The last thing she remembered was the rush of heat between her legs before she slipped off the chair, her head crashing painfully into the lino floor.

Greg heard the loud thump as he entered the locker room to check on Sara. Grissom had gone out to a case and had asked him to help Sara get her stuff to the car before driving her home.

"Sara? Are you ok?"

He found her lying in a pool of blood on the floor. There was so much of it that he was unsure where it had actually come from. He quickly called 911, explained the situation. He could do nothing until the paramedics arrived. Instead, he sat next to her, ignoring the copper that lined his throat and took her hand in his, talking to her gently, silently praying that both Sara and the baby would be ok.

The first thing Sara noticed was a thumper of a headache. The same kind that she had suffered when she was hung over, the kind the made your body shake and your teeth rattle. She kept her eyes closed as she took in her surroundings. The bustle of noise to her left, the steady beeping as a machine monitored her heart rate. And the familiar chatter of voices that stemmed from a distant corner. When she finally did open her eyes, the room was dark and when she turned her head, she could see that someone had closed the shutters, casting dim shadows in the large hospital room.

"Gil?"

He was at her side in a moment, his hand clasping hers.

"I'm here. You had us worried for a minute there."

"What happened?"

"You banged your head. You've been out for almost two days now."

"The baby, is it ok?"

The silence in the room was deafening and in that moment, Sara knew that she had lost the baby.

"You had a miscarriage. That was why you collapsed."

She had no idea why but Sara found herself crying. She hadn't wanted the baby, resented it for what it had done to her life and body, so why did it hurt so much? She was only vaguely aware of the footsteps of her friends leaving the room, before Grissom gathered her in his arms and rocked her gently.

"It's ok honey"

Sara shook her head against his chest, unable to explain the burning guilt just below the pain. This was her fault. If she had actually wanted this baby, had loved it as much as Grissom did, this would have never happened.

"It's my fault Gil. All this is my fault."

"Don't be silly. You know as well as I do the scientific reason behind this."

"I didn't want this baby Gil. I didn't love it like you did"

There was that horrible silence again. Grissom leaned back, his arms falling to his sides.

"I thought you wanted this. We discussed-"

"WE DISCUSSED NOTHING!"

Sara's yell bounced off the sterile walls, coming back to them over and over again as she continued to cry.

"I'm not ready for this Gil! I told you that but you were so excited, I couldn't break your heart."

Grissom stood and gave her one last look before striding from the room. Sara sunk back onto her pillow , curling her body into a ball, something that she could do again now that she had lost the little person that had been growing inside of her. The hurt and guilt was worse then anything that she had ever felt before. She not only lost the baby but the one person who she truly loved and who loved her in return. Her pillow became soaked with tears but she didn't care.

"Sara?"

A warm hand on her arm made her turn. Catherine smiled gently at her.

"You ok?"

The tears came in another rush and Sara found herself wrapped in Catherine's arms. The older woman stroked her hair, murmuring comforting things under her breath. She had no idea what she was saying but the words calmed her slightly and helped her slip into a place where there were no dreams and no hurt.

Grissom walked for hours, not really having a direction, letting his feet decide where to go. He didn't know what he was thinking or feeling, he just needed to put distance between himself and Sara. He was just as guilty as she was, not listening not pushing her to talk to him about all of this. The miscarriage had killed his child and had almost killed Sara.

"What can I get you?"

Grissom was so lost in thought that he had walked himself right into a bar.

"Whiskey"

The bartender slid the drink across the bar before moving to serve more customers. Grissom took a deep swallow of whiskey, enjoying the warmth from the burn in his throat. He stopped counting drinks at six and stopped feeling after five. When his phone rang, it took him a while to realize that it was his own.

"Lo?"

"Gil, it's Catherine. Where are you?"

"Not sure. Somewhere with whiskey"

"Are you drunk?"

"Yup. Why are you calling me?"

"Because Sara needs you Gil. She just lost her baby"

"Our baby. It was our baby that she lost. One she never wanted."

"She still needs you Gil. She almost died and you left her in the hospital just after she found out that her baby had died. You need to get your ass back here."

"I don't know where I am. My feet brought me here."

"Is there are bartender there?"

"Yeah"

"Give him the phone"

Grissom waved the bartender over and thrust the phone in his face.

"Tis for you"

The bartender took the phone with his frown and Grissom continued to watch him while he sipped at his whiskey.

"Your wife wants me to order you a cab"

"She not my wife, she a friend."

"Well whatever she is, you're getting a cab to Desert Palms Hospital."

"Can I have one more whiskey please?"

"Your credit card?"

Grissom nodded, taking another deep swallow from his last drink, sliding the credit card across the bar. While the bartender was settling his tab, Grissom played with the velvet box that had been in his pocket for the last few weeks. The night that Sara collapsed was going to be the night that Grissom asked her to marry him. He had brought the ring three months ago and it had been with him ever since, waiting for the right time. That night was going to be it. He was going to get home, make her dinner and after the meal, he was going to propose. But now the ring seemed to represent something else entirely and no longer seemed to be the best thing in the world to give her. He would give anything to be able to go back and change the situation. He should have pushed her harder to tell him what was going on in her head, he should have been more willing to listen. It was far to late now. All the regrets in the world could not bring his baby back.

"Cab's here"

The bartender slid his credit card back over the bar and Grissom headed outside, where the sun was too bright and reality beckoned him loud and clear over the buzz of pedestrians that littered the street. It only took a few minutes to get back to the hospital and after paying the cabbie, Grissom settled himself on a ledge outside. His phone buzzed again and Grissom was tempted to ignore it, but he knew that the person on the other end would not be ignored.

"Yup?"

"Are you at the hospital yet Gil?"

"Yup, sitting outside. Thinking"

"Stop your navel gazing and come inside"

"No, I'm happy put here, looking at my navel"

"Fine, I'll come to you"

Catherine cut the line with no further comment and Grissom slipped the phone back into his pocket, his handing finding the velvet box again. The ring was small and simple but beautiful none the less.

"Is that for me?"

Catherine sat beside him, a small smile on her face.

"For Sara. I was going to ask her to marry me that day that she collapsed."

"And now?"

"I don't know."

"Want my opinion?"

"You're going to give it to me anyway, so go ahead."

"You and Sara have something special"

"I know. That's why this hurts. Surely it stung when Eddie hurt you?"

"Yeah but we never had what you guys do. We loved each other but we never had the communication that you do. Great sex but no communication"

"Sounds good."

"In theory, yeah it worked for a little while. But you need something more. I loved him but it wasn't enough"

"Can I ask you a question?"

"Shoot"

"Why didn't Sara tell me that this was going on? Why didn't she tell me that she never wanted this baby?"

"You're in the job of solving puzzles Grissom. Look at it from her point of view."

"She was scared."

"Exactly. She's worried about her past and how it effects her future."

"You mean her mother?"

"Spot on. So, the question is, has Sara lost you too?"

"No."

"Then come and tell her that. She needs you and you need her."

Catherine put her arm around his shoulders, giving him a quick squeeze.

"She loves you Gil"

"And I love her. I guess I'm just hurt by her not saying anything to me sooner. I could have helped more."

"People make mistakes Gil and they learn from them. That's half the joy in tripping over, you get to dust yourself off and keep going. Now lets get you some coffee? If Sara smells your breath, you'll knock her out again"

Grissom followed Catherine numbly back into the hospital.

Greg never coped with grief the way most people did. A typical comedian, he found comfort in making people smile and laugh. He had made himself comfortable at the head of Sara's bed, going over every joke that he had gathered over the years, trying to wipe the sad vacant look in her eyes.

"How do you know when a blonde is having a bad day?"

Greg paused for a moment, giving Sara a chance to say something, even though she never did.

"A tampon is behind her ear and she can't find her pencil"

A faint shadow of a smile crossed Sara's face and Greg let out a loud cheer of triumph.

"Huh! I saw that smile Sara Sidle. You can't hide that smile from me"

Sara gave another slight smile, pulling the stiff hospital sheet further under her chin.

"Thank you Greg"

"For what?"

"For finding me"

"Think nothing of it. Saving damsel in distress is what I live for."

"Well thanks for being my knight in shining armor."

Greg leaned forward and took Sara's hand.

"You were there to help me when I needed you and so I'm here for you. Whatever you need, I'm your man"

"So you got my back, huh?"

"Always and don't you forget it"

Sara tightened her grip on Greg's hand, her eyes suddenly beginning the steady stream of tears again.

"It's going to be alright Sara."

"I didn't want that baby Greg. What I don't understand is why the hell it hurts so much? I feel like I'm being torn and two."

Greg didn't know what to do as Sara crumpled in front of him, so he settled for holding her hand tighter. The tears subsided again after a few more minutes and she gave Greg a watery smile.

"Sorry"

Greg wiped off the tears off her cheeks with his thumb.

"Don't be sorry. You've been through a hell of an ordeal"

"Greg, can you do me a favour?"

"Sure, as long as it's not immoral or illegal, I'm in."

"Can you get me a soda?"

"Anything else?'

"The biggest, reddest apple you can find"

"Ok, I'll be right back"

Greg left the room at a half trot and Sara took the chance to change position on the bed. Her body was only a little sore but she had to take it easy, she was still bleeding and every large movement made it worse. She settled for laying on her back, her hand going instinctively to her stomach. It felt odd to not have the bump there anymore, just a small sagging of skin on her lower stomach. The only thing that had remained the same were her breasts, which were still as large as they used to be and they ached horribly.

"Soda and apple as requested."

Greg took his seat next to Sara, cracking open the can and popping a straw in it, offering it to her for a long pull.

"Thanks Greg."

"Not a problem"

Sara smiled and picked up the apple, rubbing it against the sheet.

"Sara, can I talk to you?"

Grissom stood in the doorway, a hang dig expression on his face. Greg glanced between them.

"And this is my cue to leave."

Greg slipped past Grissom, hightailing it out of the room as quickly as possible. Grissom stood in the doorway for a few seconds before taking Greg's seat near the head of the bed.

"I'm sorry I left like that"

"I'm sorry I yelled at you"

Grissom sighed heavily, his hand rubbing his chin.

"None of this is your fault Sara. The miscarriage…..it was an accident of nature."

"Did they tell you what it was?"

"What do you mean?"

"Was our baby a boy or a girl?"

Grissom cleared his throat, swallowing the urge to cry.

"It was a little girl"

Sara nodded as the tears started down her cheeks again.

"We need to think of a name for her"

"Sara, I'm sorry that I didn't listen to you. I just got carried away."

"I know"

Grissom hesitated before reaching over and taking her hand in his.

"I know what to call her Gil. Faith Kathleen"
Grissom nodded, giving her a faint smile.

"Faith Kathleen. I like that"

Sara hated talking to empty air but there was something beautiful and peaceful about the graveyard at this time of night. Grissom had organized the burial of little Faith, giving Sara time to grieve and time to accept the reality of what had happened to them. Night after night for the last month, Grissom had left the house, with no explanation to where he was going. But Sara already knew. He came here every night to visit their daughter. Sara was finally at the point here she could join him, so that she could apologize for what she had done. Grissom stayed in the back ground, blending into the shadows that were softened by the moon that hung full and heavy in the sky. She walked slowly to the angel that marked where their daughter lay, watching over her with bent wings.

Faith Kathleen Grissom

A Child We Never Knew But One We Will Always Love

Sara laid the four long stemmed roses that she had at the foot of the angel, along with all the other bunches of flowers that Grissom had brought over the last month. She sat crossed legged on the damp grass, tracing the letters with her fingers.

"I'm sorry for this Faith. You deserved much better then this"

Sara brushed away some of the petals that had fallen from the flowers, making sure the stone was spotlessly clean. Sara laid a quick kiss on the stone before she moved over to where Grissom was sitting beneath a large oak tree.

"Feel better?"

"A little"

Sara sat between Grissom's legs, her back pressed against his chest.

"I'm sorry Grissom"

"For what?"

"For this"

Grissom pulled her closer to him.

"Stop apologizing. This is in no way your fault."

"Then why do I still feel guilty?"

"I don't know Honey but I do know that this is not the way you think it is."

Sara closed her eyes , breathing in Grissom's warm soapy scent.

"We'll have kids one day Gil"

"I know. We just have to wait until we are both ready"

Sara nodded, her eyes falling their daughter's final resting place. The grief was still too big to truly forget, there was also that horrible, lingering taste of guilt. She hadn't waned Faith, hadn't wanted her life to change. Now sitting with the man who loved her, she knew that she wanted that change more then anything else because the alternative was far too painful.

"I never blamed you for any of this Sara. It is what it is but at least we still have each other."

"I know. I just hate feeling like this"

"It will fade Sara. And when we get married we can have family that we can be proud of"

"When we get married?"

Grissom cleared his throat and shook his head.

"The night you collapsed, I was going to ask you to marry me. I had the ring and everything"

"Really?"

"Really. But when I do propose, I promise that it will be at the right time."

"I have something to look forward to then?"

"That you do"

They stayed there for a few more minutes before they stood and hand in hand walked out of the graveyard.