This is my first, only, and hopefully last fanfic.
( takes place about a year after the Big Picture Show when the Kankers dragged Eddy's bro into his trailer and whatever they did is left up to the imagination of the audience.)
"Oh come now, Eddy. Surely you agree that their sudden disappearance is rather strange, and besides--" Edd's sentence was cut off by a fist clamped around his lips.
"Shut up!" Eddy hissed. He quickly looked to his left, then to the right, with his hand still acting as a lock for Edd's mouth. He scowled at him, then whispered, "You'll jinx it." Apparently deciding that Edd had learned his lesson, he released the vice-like grip he had on the always-active voice-hole on his friend's face.
Edd waited for a second to allow his lips to snap back into place. He then parroted back Eddy's words in a confused, inquiring tone.
"Pardon me? 'Jinx it'?"
"It's been almost a year since the last time we were attacked by those she-beasts. Don't wreck the peace by yapping about them."
"Yeah, Double-D," Ed piped up matter-of-factly, "Even I am not that stupid."
"I was merely asking--" Edd's words were interrupted once again, this time by a familiar-sounding nasal snort from someone behind the three boys.
"There he is, girls!" The screech, along with the preceding snort, belonged to none other than May Kanker, who was charging toward them. She was accompanied by her two terrible sisters, Lee and Marie, who were struggling with the task of dragging along a large cardboard box and catching up to her.
"RUN AWAY!" shouted Ed as he recognized the blond Kanker and raced off, only to be tackled by her after traveling a mere 7 feet down the cul-de-sac. "Have pity!" he begged as May dragged him by his legs back to the middle of the street to join her angry-looking sisters and his two paralyzed-by-shock-and-fear friends.
"Where's your brother?!" Marie threw an accusing look in Eddy's direction, as if he were guilty for the actions of his older sibling in any way.
"Uhhh..." was the only sound that came out of his mouth. Lee decided to take matters into her own hands and reached into the cardboard box. What she pulled out surprised all three Ed-boys.
"Holy shmoly!" Ed gasped and his eyes widened.
"What the..." Eddy squinted, unsure of what he was looking at. "What is that thing?"
"Tell that deadbeat he needs to support his kids!" Lee commanded. She was holding a rather unsightly infant with curly red hair and freckles that matched hers. Marie and May each pulled out a newborn baby from the box. Both of the infants had hairstyles/colors to match their mother's. All three of the children had a severe under-bite... just like you-know-who's.
"How do you know they're his kids?" Eddy asked. His curiosity was rewarded with blank stares from everyone, including the usually-clueless Ed, since it was painfully obvious that (just by looking at the babies' jaws) these were Eddy's nieces and/or nephews.
"I think someone's calling us loose, girls." Lee ignored the stupid part of his question and took offense to Eddy's assumption that his brother had not been the only possible candidate for paternity.
"Is it true, Double-D?" Marie asked sinisterly, "Are we hussies?"
"...please leave me out of this..." Edd's plea was barely audible. Marie turned back to Eddy.
"So?"
"Look," Eddy was genuinely confused about the entire situation, "I don't know where he is. The last time I saw him was at that Mondo-a-Go-Go place. I don't even think my parents have kept in touch with him since then. Actually, they were talking to someone on the phone last night about an eighteen-year vacation in Canada, but I don't think that has anything to do with him."
"Yes, it does..." Edd informed his oblivious pal, quickly picking up on the fact that Eddy's brother was not one to pay child support and would rather flee the country until his children were legal adults instead.
"Really? How?"
Edd answered with an eyeroll.
"Well, until he shows up..." Each Kanker sister shoved their baby into Eddy's unprepared arms, "...they're your problem!" and ran off.
The oldest infant, which was Lee's curly-red-haired child, scowled at Eddy, pointed at him, and squealed his/her first word: "Pipsqueek!"
"Aww, the little dickens," cooed Ed as he stared at the hideous baby in wonder.
"Three kids already... Am I good or what?" Eddy smiled proudly as he took a moment to admire his own non-existent, extremely-fast baby-making abilities... regardless of his uncertainty as to how babies were made in the first place.
"Eddy! Having children does not make you 'good', especially at our young age!"
"Shut it, Sockhead. It was a retardical question."
"You mean 'rhetorical'." Edd sighed in exasperation.
"Whatever." Eddy dismissed the subject and pushed one of the younger babies against Edd's chest so that he had no other choice but to grab it. He handed off another to Ed, who was struck with awe at the tiny youth.
"You know, Eddy..." started Edd, "Lee, May, and Marie are minors and I'm pretty sure that what your brother did is illegal."
"Eh, that's nothing new." Eddy shrugged.
The Ed boys walked down the road, undecided about that course of action to take next.
(to be continued... maybe... idk... maybe not... ehh...yeah, prolly not... bye)