Arguments in an Elevator
An Alternate Scene in Storming the Shinra Building

Notes: This is the result of an r/Fanfiction prompt. I was always disappointed that Barret's option to storm the Shinra building in disc 1 didn't offer the same humorous dialogue that Tifa's stealthy stairwell option did. So this is my attempt in taking dialogue elements from the stairwell and placing them in the elevator ride.

The elevator doors closed with a resounding mechanical thunk, separating them from the would be kill-happy group of SOLDIERS on the other side. Tifa breathed a sigh of temporary relief. They were safe for now, but how long would that last? Would a garrison of SOLDIERS be waiting for them on whatever floor they got off on? She stretched her arms in anticipation of another fist fight.

Cloud must have been thinking the same thing, as his body language from behind appeared tense and agitated. He was tapping a foot on the floor and fingers on his crossed arms in rhythmic fashion. Barret, on the other hand, seemed to be pleased with himself.

Tifa reached out to touch Cloud on the shoulder, but at the last minute decided against it. She almost had a feeling that he would have whirled around and snapped her fingers off if she had followed through. She knew better, though. He wouldn't deliberately hurt her. She hoped, anyway. "Cloud," she asked, "what's wrong?"

Cloud scoffed and shot her a scowl that confirmed his agitation. The arcing direction in which his eyes flew told her that said agitation wasn't aimed particularly at her. She just happened to be in the blast area. He said, "I didn't want to start a ruckus until after we saved Aeris. But I should have known that would be impossible with some people around here." The last part had been spat out in Barret's direction. There was no way anyone could have missed that jab. Although, with the noise of the SOLDIERS banging on the elevator doors there was a slight chance. Still, she doubted it.

Barret chuckled and leaned back against the smooth elevator wall. He clasped his flesh and blood hand behind his head while pointing his other gun-grafted arm to the ceiling.

"What's your problem?" Cloud snapped. "You're giving me the willies."

"I'm impressed," Barret rumbled. "Even you'll fight fo' someone."

"And I care what you think why again?"

Tifa shrunk back into the corner as the conversation between the two men escalated in volume. So far, over the past few days, their arguments hadn't turned to physical violence, but it was only a matter of time before someone snapped and one of them ended up dead or injured. Although, it'd probably end up her losing her cool. Those chances were getting high. She was getting tired of the endless bickering. It gave her a headache.

She did have to wonder, though, why could she still hear SOLDIERS banging on the elevator? Shouldn't they be careening upwards at fantastical speeds? Apparently, Barret had the same thought. His relaxed demeanor turned battle ready, with gun arm leveled at the door. "Yo, Spikey!" he sneered. "Why ain't we movin'?"

"I don't know. Do I look like an engineer to you?" Cloud said with a side glance and a scowl.

"I think ya look like a chocobo's ass."

Even though she was nowhere near, Tifa could feel Cloud stiffen at that remark. The other children in Nibelheim had used the same taunt on him in the past. He must have built some form of immunity to it since his hairstyle hadn't changed at all over the years. However, immunity or no immunity, Cloud didn't seem overly impressed. He fully turned and placed himself nose to nose with the larger Barret. He looked silly attempting to be intimidating while standing on his tiptoes.

Cloud spat, "Says the eco-terrorist who leaves his four-year-old in charge of a bar while he goes off on a hopeless quest to take down a mega corporation." He then turned to Tifa. "…Or is Shinra a government body? I can never remember." She could only shrug her shoulders in response. She had no clue either. All she knew was that Shinra had to be taken down a couple of pegs.

Barret puffed his chest out in an attempt to look even more menacing than he already did. "Yeah?" he sneered. "Well, y'all're the Shinra-lover who let Aeris get kidnapped in the first place."

Cloud slumped his shoulders with a sigh and a shake of his head. Tifa recognized this action. It was the same one he had used all those years ago every time the neighborhood kids acted stupid. It was the Cloud variation of a facepalm. He said, "A few hours ago you didn't seem to care about her or who she was. Why care now all of a sudden?"

Barret returned to leaning against the elevator wall, his shrug overflowing with nonchalantness. "Gotta dig at ya somehow."

"You do realize that Aeris got kidnapped because she was saving your daughter, right? You know, the one that you neglect and leave in charge of a bar full of drunks?"

"Yeah, well, shu' up, ya damn spikey-ass bitch! What the hell do you know?"

"I know well enough not to leave a four-year-old in charge of—"

Tifa had enough of listening to these two grown men arguing like children. She stepped between them and physically separated them. "Will you both stop acting like retards?" she spat through her bared teeth. "This is why I wanted to take the damn back stairs in without arousing suspicion! Every time we get in a tiny enclosed space, you two argue like an old married couple!" She looked back and forth between the two as their expressions and bravados fell. Dual emasculation in one fell swoop.

She couldn't be too mad at Cloud in this situation; he had agreed with her suggestion of speed and stealth. Barret, on the other hand, had forced both their hands after charging the front doors of the Shinra building, guns blazing, like a madman who had lost his mind. Still, she was sick of the arguing and wanted to deck them both to the floor.

Cloud attempted a cheeky grin that came across as a nervous one. She imagined that memories of the last time she had punched him were coming back in crystal clarity. "That's a bit harsh," he said with a hint of meekness.

Tifa crossed her arms in front of her chest and stared them both down. "Guys, don't make me smash your heads together," she said. "I don't want to take Shinra on by myself, but I will if you don't knock it off."

As Cloud and Barret seemed to contemplate apologizing, Tifa noticed something odd. The Shinra SOLDIERS were still trying to get into the elevator. It still hadn't moved? What the hell was going on?

Cloud noticed this as well and attempted to study the door with a puzzled expression on his features. "Are we still on the ground floor?" he asked as if either of them would or could give him an answer.

"The hell you askin' me fo'?" Barret bellowed as he waved his arms in the air. As if that'd help any. "I ain't no damn engineer!"

"Ha. Ha. Very funny."

In the silence that followed, Tifa had been able to make out the worst possible thing she could hear from behind a solid steel door that separated her from possible death. It had been a SOLDIER, possibly a commander of some sort ordering his troops. "Quickly men!" he said, "Get this door open before those dumb ass AVALANCHERS figure out they have to enter in a floor number!"

She looked at Barret the exact moment he looked at her. They even spoke at the same time, creating a harmony of baritone and soprano. "Enter a floor number?" She imagined that the angry, puzzled expression on his features mirrored her own. A quick glance at the elevator's control panel revealed a series of buttoned numbers and a digital display that read in red block letters, Please Enter Floor Number. This had to be a joke of some kind.

Either not caring about the situation or not realizing how dangerous it could have been, Cloud laughed; a high-pitched, deranged sort of laughter. It was a laughter that belonged to someone who wasn't quite right in the head. "Oh, right!" he exclaimed. He quickly entered a random floor number, and the elevator was off, nearly knocking them all to the floor. "I forgot about that!"

Tifa buried her face into her palms and resisted the urge to cry in frustration. "Oh, Cloud…" This had to be a joke or a nightmare or something. She knew that Cloud could sometimes be off on his own little adventure somewhere inside his head, but she honestly had not considered that it'd happen at a crucial moment when they needed him to be all there.

"You jus' a damn foo'!"

She looked up from the safety of her gloves to find Cloud smirking in response to Barret's outburst. He shrugged and straightened one of his golden hair spikes before finally resting his hands on his hips. "I didn't hear you suggesting anything," he quipped like a smartass sore winner. Tifa groaned and wondered if convincing Barret to hire him into AVALANCHE had been a good idea.

"A damn foo'."

Neither Tifa nor Barret had anything further to say. She couldn't understand how careless Cloud had been, especially after blasting Barret for carelessness. And then for him to be so casual about it afterward like it was nothing. Nothing! They could have been killed! She wasn't ready to die at the ripe young age of twenty! There were so many things to do and experience! So many different types of alcohol to drink! And mix! So many bar brawls to stop! Well, maybe not so much the last one.

Several minutes of silence crawled by. Tifa passed the time by watching the floor numbers change. After an eternity, an electronic tone deafened and jumped them when they had reached whatever destination Cloud had chosen. According to the display, that had been floor 59. The door slid open, prompting him to crack his knuckles. "Alrighty, gang!" he said in a sing-song manner. "Let's mosey on up outta here!"

The attempt at motivation failed. Barret shook his head in disgust as he shoved his way passed. "Work on yo' motivational speeches, foo'!" he said. "This ain't no damn Saturday mornin' cartoon."

Tifa didn't wait for Cloud to respond and also shoved passed him. "I swear to god," she muttered, "if I die here, I'm haunting both you retards." Luckily, the floor they had landed on was quiet with no one around, so far. She could take a deep breath and relax a moment. The peace wouldn't last long. It was only a matter of time before news of the ruckus from downstairs reached the upper floors, forcing them to fend off attacks from SOLDIER once again.

"Well, that's harsh," Cloud said with snark from behind her. "See if I do you any more favors, lady." He took point and motioned for them to follow. The look on his face was one that could scare children and small mammals. "Now come on. Let's stop acting like idiots and rescue Aeris."

And just like that, he was maudlin again, serious as serious could be. Tifa really did not like these mood swings. Cloud as a child had never shown any signs of such a thing, yet here they were. She sighed and reluctantly followed along. She wondered what had happened to him to cause such an illness to surface. She also wondered just what else could go wrong with Cloud at the helm of this rescue mission.

More stories in the Alternate Scenes FFVII Universe:
Arguments in an Elevator (An Alternate Scene in Storming the Shinra Building)
Interrupted by Fireworks (An Alternate Scene in Dating at the Gold Saucer)