I don't own Criminal Minds or anything resembling a copyright in that vein. Don't sue me – all you'd get is a bunch of socks and a buttload of debt.
This is my own little AU that I've been busy amusing myself with for a while. Hopefully, you'll be amused, too. Thanks to K & L for betaing.
Life Sucks
by ScintillatingTart
June 1997
"Hi," Penelope Garcia said, extending her hand. "I guess we're working together."
The other woman looked at her hand a little disdainfully. "You mean I'm earning my paycheck by baby-sitting a computer hacker that doesn't know how to shoot a gun."
Penelope sighed. "Yeah, I wouldn't be thrilled, either. But they threw us together, so maybe we should make the best of it?"
"I don't scrub the toilet."
Penelope smiled. "I can do that. I don't do well with dusting – bad allergies."
"So I'll dust and you clean the toilets. Who cooks?"
They looked at each other, then chorused, "Takeout."
Maybe there was hope after all!
"I'm Penelope Garcia."
"Emily Prentiss." The brunette smirked. "By the way, shoes like that aren't standard issue."
Penelope shrugged. "I'm not standard issue, Sugar Tits – get over it."
January 2001
"Baby Girl," Emily said, "I want you to think about doing this. Like, seriously think about it."
Penelope shook her head. "Do I have a choice? Ian Doyle is looking for a computer expert. Alphabet Soup wants me in there because I can do twice as much as everyone else. If I don't do this, we lose the chance to catch him in his own game."
"Yes, but –"
Penelope sighed. "You're my best friend, Emily, and we've been attached at the hip for three years. It's time they turned me loose and let me do something outside the safe house and the office."
"You still don't know how to shoot," Emily ground out through clenched teeth. "What the hell kind of a CIA operative doesn't know how to shoot?"
"I've never needed to learn," Penelope murmured, grabbing Emily's hand. "And now isn't the time to force it on me. I've got to do this." She smiled. "Besides, you've got my back. I know you won't be far off."
"Never," Emily promised.
"Why do you call me 'baby girl'?" Penelope asked, squeezing Emily's hand for reassurance.
"Because when you came to us, it was your code name," Emily reminded her with a chuckle. "You've grown up, but you'll always be 'baby girl' to me."
Penelope smiled. "Right," she replied.
"Promise me something," Emily said.
"Hmm?"
"If you get in over your head, do something, ANYTHING, to get our attention. Please. I'm not going to lose my best friend because she did something stupid."
Penelope nodded. "Believe me, when it's time to go, I'm going to send up a signal so fantastically insane that you'll know it."
"Red flags?"
"Everywhere," Penelope promised. "When I need you, you'll know it. There'll be a fucking ticker-tape parade with your name everywhere."
September 13, 2001
"We haven't gotten anything from Garcia since the 11th."
"She was supposed to check in yesterday," Prentiss said, shaking her head. That was two of the last four meets that Penelope had blown off. Something was wrong. She didn't know what, but she knew that Penelope wouldn't bow out without a damn good reason. Even with the hysteria around them, the chatter, the mourning, the broken world around them, Penelope would hold up her end.
"Yeah, I know."
The phone rang and Emily grabbed it. "Prentiss."
"This is Kramer – Garcia hacked into one of the Interpol databases and left an embedded code. When we decrypted it just a couple of minutes ago, it turned out to be a ticker. It says, 'NOW, SUGAR TITS' on repeat."
Emily groaned. "I made her promise to do something that we wouldn't lose sight of –"
"Well, I think that qualifies."
"We need a backup team."
"The FBI is sending a team over to 'arrest' Garcia. You don't need to lift a finger."
"I need to be there –"
"Agent Prentiss, you are to remain at the listening post until we get Garcia under wraps. Do you understand?"
Emily bit her lip. "Yes, sir."
September 14, 2001
It was two in the morning when Penelope was out of the debriefing and they let Emily see her. Penelope all but flew into Emily's arms, sobbing like a fool. "Oh my god, I'm so glad to see you," she whimpered. "Emily – they're going to put me in prison."
"What?" Emily asked. "What did you DO?"
"I'm pregnant," Penelope wailed. "It's Doyle's. He knows. It's for my protection or something – he's going to come after me. I fucked up, Sugar Tits."
"Baby Girl, calm down," Emily ordered, forcing Penelope to sit down. "Take a deep breath."
"They're sending me to the new prison at Guantanamo Bay," Penelope whispered on a sniffling sob. "Officially, I'll be a prisoner. Unofficially, I'm going to be hiding from Ian Doyle in a bunker full of computers so I can monitor world chat for the Agency. I might as well be a fucking prisoner. I'm never getting out of there as long as Doyle is alive."
"Didn't they give you the birth control shot before you went undercover?" Emily asked.
"Yes, but CLEARLY it didn't work!" Penelope cried, throwing her hands up in the air. "I can't go. I can't leave you here by yourself: you'll get into all kinds of trouble."
"You have to protect yourself, Baby Girl," Emily said very quietly. "I'll always be there – on the phone."
"It's not the same," Penelope protested. "You'll do something stupid and –"
"How about this: I will always call you before I do something stupid."
Penelope rolled her eyes and sighed dramatically. "God above."
Emily kissed her forehead. "Seriously, Pen, you take care of yourself. Be good."
"Be good," Penelope repeated, kissing Emily's forehead in return. "I have to go."
Emily nodded, knowing it was the last time she would see Penelope. In four years, they had become thick as thieves, best friends, willing accomplices. They could finish each others' sentences and thoughts and breaking them apart was going to cripple their team.
And break their hearts.
August 2005
"Lauren Reynolds is dead," Penelope said down the phone line, finishing her typing with a furious flourish. "Airtight alibis, news reports and paperwork have all been uploaded. You, Emily Prentiss, are a free woman. And Ian Doyle is a cock-sucker."
Emily laughed and said, "I missed you, you giant geek. How is Emma?"
"Your namesake, gorgeous, is currently in school, raising hell and teaching them all a thing or two," Penelope said with a smile. "Any ideas what you're going to do now that you're finished with this op?"
"I have a few plans, but I'm retiring from the Agency. I'm already too old to be getting my ass kicked like this."
Penelope cracked a smile. "I wish I could," she said wistfully. "Even with Doyle soon to be in prison, they want to keep Emma and me undercover, just in case. We're safer here, I guess."
"I've been asked to join the Behavioral Analysis Unit at the FBI."
"TAKE IT! That's the job you've been waiting for your whole life, Sugar Tits!"
Emily laughed. "I already accepted."
"GOOD! And I will live vicariously through you."
"I miss you," Emily sighed.
"I miss you, too, but you're going to be an awesome FBI agent! OH! I forgot to tell you! I went blonde!"
"What?" Emily asked.
"My hair. Blonde. With pink streaks."
"That's not –"
"Standard issue, I know, but since when have I ever been standard issue?" Penelope teased.
Even two thousand miles apart, the terrible two still had it.
October 2005
"Mama, Daleks are scary!" Emma squeaked, pulling her blanket up over her eyes.
Penelope giggled and tickled her daughter. "Oh, they aren't so bad," she teased.
"But they have fings on their bodies and they say, 'Exmerminate' a lot! That means bad things!"
Penelope kissed her on the cheek. "Monkey, doesn't the Doctor always save people from the Daleks?" she asked.
"Yes…"
"Are they still scary?"
"YES!"
"Maybe we should wait till you're older to watch the episodes with the Cybermen," Penelope said. "Are you ready for bed now?"
"What if there's a Dalek in the closet?" Emma asked with wide, round eyes.
"Then Mama will exterminate it," Penelope promised. She got up and opened the closet door. "No Daleks!"
"YAY!" Emma cried.
"Now, lie down and close your eyes," Penelope instructed. Her earpiece beeped and she rolled her eyes. "Mama's got to go take a call, Princess. Please go to sleep."
"Okay," Emma said, grabbing her stuffed unicorn and her Barbie doll and curling up.
Penelope left the door open a crack and headed back into the living area. "This is the Oracle of Guantanamo Bay," she said when she activated the line. "What's your poison?"
"It's me," Emily said. "We have a case and our tech pool is a little slow on the uptake. Can you help without breaking any laws or oaths?"
Penelope smiled. "For you, honey, I would move heaven and earth. Lay it on me."
Ten minutes later, Emily had a mountain of information and they may have cracked the case. "How's my god-daughter?" Emily asked.
"Scared of Daleks," Penelope said. "I don't get it: they're not scary."
"Extermination is scary," Emily pointed out.
"True. Hey, have you done anything stupid lately?" Penelope asked.
"Sort of."
"DISH!" Penelope commanded. "What's his name?"
Emily laughed. "Am I that transparent?"
"Yes."
"Derek Morgan. He's on the team with me."
"You've mentioned him," Penelope said. "And I'm looking at his official photo right now."
"Did you hack the FBI again?" Emily sighed.
"Only a little," Penelope chuckled. "I didn't even break a sweat, beautiful. But he looks like he breaks a sweat quite often – those are not standard issue guns, there. Those are break your back at the gym biceps. I'd love to get my hands on those."
Emily laughed. "I'm sure you would –"
"Forgive me for being a little enamoured of your co-worker," Penelope replied. "Continue on with the story of your stupidity."
Emily laughed harder. "Later," she promised. "How did it go on your date?"
"He spit when he talked – only he didn't so much talk as yell," Penelope sighed. "He was one of the guards."
"Oh, honey," Emily groaned.
"Hey, it's not like I have a whole lot of options around here," Penelope reminded her. "So maybe I'll print off this photo of your sizzling hot god of holy shit is it hot in here and remind myself that real men do exist outside of this hell."
"Sweetheart, we're going to get you out of there."
"When I'm too old to care," Penelope challenged.
Emily couldn't refute that.