A/N: This is inspired by the funny "seme/uke quiz" that I took a few days ago where it tells you what kind of top/bottom you are. I am in no way making fun of the quiz, I actually thought it was fun. Barnum Effect refers to "the tendency to accept certain information as true, such as character assessments or horoscopes, even when the information is so vague." Please rec and review if you like this. Also, please feel free to drop by my Tumblr and say hello, I'm known as "rykerstrom(.)tumblr(.)com" there. Enjoy!
BARNUM EFFECT
While Sebastian Smythe would never admit it, there were definitely times where he preferred the option of staying home over that of going out. Yes, he was an extrovert and he loved getting attention from people, but between choosing to go out by himself and staying home with Blaine, he would gladly choose the latter.
Even if they were each doing his own thing.
So here he was, on a late Friday night, sitting comfortably on the sofa reading a book while Blaine was surfing the net. Their apartment was quiet saved for the occasional pitter-patter sounds made by their fur daughter as the Pomeranian ran about the living room, chasing after a tennis ball.
A muffled laugh to his right made Sebastian quirk his eyebrow. This wasn't the first time he heard Blaine laughing at something online. In fact, Blaine seemed to have been thoroughly entertained by something, or someone, for the past forty-five minutes.
And as much as Sebastian hated to admit it, he was getting a bit jealous and concerned.
"All right, I'll bite." Sebastian put his book down. "What's gotten you in stitches?"
"This." Blaine wiped at his eyes with the back of his hand. "It's just really funny."
Sebastian peered over Blaine's shoulders. "What's this?"
"It's a quiz."
Uh-oh. A feeling of dread settled in the pit of Sebastian's stomach. Blaine loved taking quizzes, from quizzes that tested one's knowledge about various subject matters to ridiculous personality tests; Blaine seemed to love them all. Sebastian, on the other hand, found them to be a waste of time.
"Hey, you should try it!" Blaine clicked on the Start page and looked at Sebastian expectantly.
"Blaine—"
"Come on!" Blaine smiled. Sebastian could already feel his resolve crumbling. "It'll be fun. I want to know if you're a seme or uke."
"A what?"
"A seme is a top, the one who does the … you know." Blaine stumbled over the words.
"The one who does the fucking, you mean?" Sebastian raised his eyebrows. "Shouldn't you of all people know which one I am by now?"
"Well, I—" Blaine looked back at the screen. "It's just for fun. They classify the semes by type. I just want to know which type you are. So far it's been pretty spot-on for most people."
"I doubt this is accurate," Sebastian said dryly. "They're probably just suffering from Barnum Effect."
"Are you implying that I'm a sucker?" Blaine frowned at the implication.
"Oh, you suck very well, Blaine." Sebastian leered.
"Dammit, I walked right into that one," Blaine mumbled. "I don't believe everything I read, okay? I just think this is funny."
Sebastian eyed the computer screen silently. The quiz didn't look that long and if it would make his boyfriend happy for him to try it out, why not?
"All right, let's do it."
"Thank you!" Sebastian watched with amusement as Blaine did a fist pump. "Ok, you just tell me which one and I'll click it for you."
"Okay."
To say that the questions were ridiculous would be an understatement. Sebastian looked at the quiz in bewilderment as he went through each question.
DO YOU LIKE TO LICK THINGS?
Really, what kind of question was that? Of course he would, as long as it had something to do with Blaine. To illustrate his point, he licked a wet path up Blaine's neck.
"Sebastian!" Blaine's voice cracked a bit at the edges. "What are you doing?"
"Just trying to give out the most accurate answer." He gave Blaine a cheeky grin. Oh, this could be interesting after all.
HAVE YOU EVER BOUGHT HAIR DYE FOR YOURSELF?
Sebastian frowned at that. What the hell did that question have to do with anything? This was pretty lame.
However, not all questions were uninteresting. There were a few choice ones that made him rather entertained. Sebastian almost snickered when the questions asked him whether he had ever been tied up and whether he had done that to someone else. The look on Blaine's face alone was worth suffering through the quiz.
"You know, this quiz is giving me a lot of ideas." Sebastian made a point of whispering into Blaine's ear, watching with some degree of satisfaction as Blaine almost jumped.
"Um … Focus on the quiz!"
"Geez, are you sure you're not a seme?" Sebastian slipped one hand underneath Blaine's shirt and splayed his fingers against the skin. "You can be so demanding."
"I didn't say I'm not a seme." Blaine retorted, although the words came out more as a gasp.
"Uh-huh. That's not what I remembered yesterday." Sebastian moved his hand up and brushed his fingers against one of the nipples. Blaine's eyes fluttered shut as he took a deep shuddering breath.
"Sebastian! Just … finish the quiz, please?" Sebastian knew that Blaine was trying to hide his embarrassment, and failing spectacularly at it.
"I love it when you're bossy." Sebastian murmured as he buried his face in the crook of Blaine's neck, nibbling a little before focusing on the screen again. "All right then, bring it on."
WOULD YOU FEEL GUILTY OF TAKING ADVANTAGE OF SOMEONE?
Sebastian actually laughed out loud at the question.
"I guess that was a no-brainer." Blaine clicked on the first option "laughing my ass off".
"I can't help it if I'm finding this a bit ridiculous." Sebastian brought up his other hand and started unbuttoning Blaine's pajama top.
"Sebastian, what are you doing?" Blaine squirmed but he made no move to stop Sebastian.
"Hm … taking the quiz?" Sebastian slid the shirt off Blaine's shoulders and threw it to the side. Blaine, to his credit, didn't complain much.
HOW DO YOU EAT YOUR ICE-CREAM?
"Didn't I eat that off of you that one time?" Sebastian mentioned casually as he started to mouth the skin that was in plain view.
"That was just one time!" Blaine argued weakly, his focus clearly distracted by Sebastian's mouth at this point. "You usually just eat it."
"Am I taking the quiz or are you taking the quiz?" Sebastian laid feathery light kisses on the skin.
"You have to be honest when you take the quiz, Sebastian," Blaine said pointedly. "You don't want to end up being a sadistic seme, do you?"
"Sadistic, am I?" Sebastian felt a smile spread across his face. "You know, you could've just told me." His hand dipped down inside the waist band of Blaine's pajama bottom and wrapped itself around Blaine's half-erect cock.
"OhmyGod!" Blaine's head snapped back as he tried to swallow a moan. Sebastian watched with some degree of satisfaction as Blaine's grip on the mouse slipped a bit.
"Am I sadistic?" He started stroking.
"You wish, Sebastian, you wish." Blaine breathed out, his hand still resolutely holding onto the mouse. "You're just a big teddy bear underneath the cold exterior."
"Hey, I resent that." Sebastian snaked one arm around Blaine's waist as his other hand picked up its speed and tightened its grip on Blaine's cock. "I can show you sadistic and tie you up."
"Quiz! The quiz!" The words came out as a half-moan. "Focus." Sebastian was pretty sure that Blaine was saying those words to himself.
"You're no fun, such a task master." Sebastian sighed and removed his hand from Blaine, leaving him hard and straining against the fabric of his pajama. "All right, let's get on with this."
"Wait, what?" The frustration in Blaine's voice was evident.
"What?" Sebastian looked at Blaine innocently. "You want me to focus on the quiz, right?"
"I—" Blaine opened his mouth and closed it again. "Fine."
They clicked through the next few questions quickly, with Sebastian pointing out the answers without adding in any remarks. Sebastian was glad that the quiz wasn't too lengthy; he just couldn't imagine sitting through another one of those personality tests again. The last online quiz he took was the infamous 200-questions purity test, and that one ended rather awkwardly.
Sebastian stole a quick look at Blaine. His boyfriend was sitting stiffly with a pillow over his lap. He could tell from the tension in Blaine's body that he was definitely still aroused. No matter, Sebastian planned on addressing that little issue soon enough. After all, that little teasing he did earlier have also left Sebastian with something more to be desired.
WHAT COSTUME WOULD YOU WEAR TO A MASQUERADE?
"Vampire. Definitely vampire." Sebastian tapped his finger against the option. "We should definitely try that idea."
"For Halloween?"
"Why wait till Halloween?" Sebastian smirked. "I can be the vampire, and you can be the innocent Dalton school boy that I seduce at the ball."
"What is it with you and your obsession with the uniform?" Blaine mumbled, although a blush was already evident on his cheeks.
"Hm, I don't know. Maybe it's the process of unwrapping the layers." Sebastian nuzzled at Blaine's throat while alternating between nibbling and sucking. "I'll start out kissing you and undoing your tie. And then I will unbutton every single button with my teeth while I slip my hands into—"
"Stop!" Blaine was sounding a bit breathless at this point. "St—stop changing the topic."
"All right then." Sebastian grinned. "Anyway, we're almost done, let's just finish this."
"Right, yeah, let's." Blaine fidgeted in his seat.
DO YOU USUALLY FIND YOURSELF ON TOP OR BOTTOM?
Sebastian burst out laughing.
"Oh, come on! It's not that funny."
"Why bother with the quiz if they're going to ask that question?" Sebastian tried to catch his breath. "Isn't that the whole point of the quiz?"
"No, the whole point of the quiz is to find out what type of top or bottom you are."
"Well, you already knew the answer to the question." Sebastian rested his chin on his boyfriend's shoulder.
"Of course I do." Blaine shook his head in mock dismay and clicked on correct option.
Sebastian found himself rolling his eyes at the submit button, which was dramatically labeled with the phrase "Submit to Your Fate". Sebastian didn't believe in fate, he believed in making his own destiny. These quizzes could be so melodramatic sometimes. A few seconds later, the page loaded with the results.
"Opportunistic Seme," Sebastian read aloud. "Really? Me? Opportunistic? I think I'm in shock. Offended, even."
"Just read it, this is supposed to be fun part."
"No, the fun part was what we did earlier."
"How was leaving me frustrated supposed to be fun?" Blaine's widened comically when he realized what he had said aloud.
"Ah … so you did want me to continue." Blaine looked away in embarrassment. Sebastian looked at the descriptions; he definitely planned on addressing the sexual frustration part later. "All right, it says I'm clever and charming, I won't argue with that one."
"Uh-huh. Keep reading."
"Manipulative and selfish? Me? That's bullshit! I'm a generous soul!"
"So you only agree with the good stuff." Now it was Blaine's turn to look amused. "How convenient."
"Well, it says it's all in good fun, and that I'm actually very kind and caring once I find the right person." Sebastian looked contemplative. "I agree with that part."
"Pretty spot on, right?" Blaine adjusted the pillow on his lap.
"Only the positive attributes, I'm afraid." Sebastian smirked.
"Ah, modest as always."
"Which one are you anyway?" Sebastian reached over and took control of the mouse. "Let's see the personalities of the ukes."
"Why do you assume I'm uke?"
"Do you really have to ask?" Sebastian scrolled through the list of personalities. "Need I remind you what we've been doing lately?"
"You're impossible."
"This one has to be you." Sebastian couldn't help the grin that was once again spreading across his face. "You're an innocent uke. This description is so you."
The blush on Blaine's confirmed Sebastian's theory.
"All right, maybe not as innocent as you used to be." Sebastian lowered his voice to a growl and felt a sense satisfaction when he saw a noticeable tremor going through Blaine's body. "Considering I did a fine job of fucking that out of your system."
"You're crude, you know that? Hey, wh- what are you doing?" Blaine's voice came out as a gasp when Sebastian brushed his fingers against one of his nipples.
"I'm just being an opportunistic fucker." Sebastian pushed Blaine gently onto the sofa.
"Oh, look who's the sucker now?" Blaine huffed.
"I don't suck, Anderson." Sebastian ran his hand up Blaine's side. "I blow."
"Oh God, you and your horrible puns." Blaine laughed at that. He reached up pulled Sebastian down for a kiss. "Barnum effect, I say."
Sebastian simply gave Blaine a smirk before he proceeded to remove their clothes. Barnum Effect or not, he was more than happy to test out the quiz results.
(END)