Home in the Heart
"Well, what do you think?" Edward Elric asked looking down at Alphons Heinrich and the plate of eggs, sausage and toast before him.
The eggs were overcooked; the sausages were rubbery and burned to a crisp; and the toast was blackened and clumsily scraped and covered with butter. Alphons Heinrich looked up to his friend and smiled brightly. "It's wonderful, Edward."
The blond grunted, turning around. He clambered up a chair to reach the cabinet over the sink and grabbed himself a plate. He jumped down, and dished himself out some of the same food. "You are lying to me." Edward said. "We are on food rations, and I have taken the last of our stores and burnt them to a crisp. And yet you smile, like the breakfast I have made is fit for a king." He kicked the chair around, and plopped down next to Alphons. "I will never understand you."
The young German blinked at him, trying to remind himself to build him a step ladder. Edward's lack of height often forced him to use billy goat tactics to get around the cabinets, and he had cleaned
muddy shoe prints off the counters far too many times. Alphons sighed, shaking his head, such was life with Edward Elric.
Alphons touched Edward's hand as he valiantly poked at the egg's flesh with a fork. "It is food none the less, my friend. And I certainly do not look forward to waiting in the meal lines across the street. You must think of the positive side of these matters."
Unswerving honey gold eyes held his. The smaller man didn't look
convinced. "This is insane. You are insane. This entire world is
insane!" He waved impatient hands, flustered. "Why do you put up with it all?"
"Because it is my home, Herr Elric." Alphons explained, hoping he'd try and understand. He polished off his plate and took it to the sink.
"You cooked this morning, I shall do the dishes." Alphons looked over his shoulder, and watched Edward as the young blond student brooded over his meal. Edward wasn't used to staying in one place. From what Alphons recalled, he traveled with his younger brother and had all sorts of strange adventures. Adventures Alphons fancied one would read in a novel by H.G. Wells or Jules Verne.
If his fantastical stories were true.
"I stopped having a home a long time ago." Edward snapped. He picked up his half eaten plate and joined Alphons at the sink.
Edward had no tact, and one way or another, his blunt anger filled
words would sting. Alphons pouted. Not long ago. Alphons had opened his home to Edward, and they shared the little apartment, studying at the university together and debating theories on rocketry. They were both dedicated to their research, and Edward, strange as he was, was brilliant. He was one of the few men Alphons had encountered capable of thinking outside of the stifling and often stagnant Christian culture. As an avid Lutheran, and student under the brilliant Karl Haushofer, the young German often lost himself in Edward's deductions and theories. Even if he did scoff at Einstein.
Tapping the soapy water with his hand -- it was warm; Alphons shook his head. How could a man not see the world he lived in as his home? At times he wondered why his friend was so blind. "Than why are you so determined to return to this…. Place?"
"Home is not a place," Edward replied. "It's a person to me."
"Your brother. I see. Yes, family is important. I admire your
dedication." Alphons honestly did. Edward talked constantly about his little brother Alphonse. They were very close, and Edward, though never saying it, felt a great deal of guilt concerning the child. The rocket scientist scrubbed his plate in soapy water, rinsed it and placed it in the drainer next to the sink. "I have never thought of family that way. Your brother must be very special."
"He is." Edward sighed. Edward's features lit up when talking about
his younger brother, and Alphons enjoyed the smile on Edward's young features. He was striking when he smiled, with those exotic orbs. They were unearthly seas of honey gold. It was too easy to fall in their depths. With an effort Alphons pulled away. "Hello?" Edward waved a hand over his face, and grabbed the brush from his hand and cleaned his own plate. "I am nothing here, Alphons."
Alphons felt a wash of sympathy, considering his words. Edward often spoke negatively, and today, it bothered him. The German didn't understand WHY Edward's words bothered him so, but they hurt. Absently, he took the plate from the young man, and placed it on the drying rack. "You are brilliant, Edward. That is what you are here."
Alphons took Edward's hands, holding them tightly. His real hand was warm, and soft, and he found himself swallowing down the temptation to take Ed into his arms, and comfort him. Edward was distant, and almost never touched. "My work would be nothing if it were not for you and your fantastical and innovative ideas."
Edward snorted, golden eyes fiery with self-loathing. "I don't even
know if I saved him, Alphons."
It always came back to his precious little brother, the boy who died,
and he resurrected. Alphons never knew what to think of the story
itself, and wondered what really happened to make Edward tell such an elaborate tale. "Didn't you say you were the most brilliant alchemist in your world?" He asked. "Certainly your brilliance would harbor success. Your bother is fine, I am sure of it! You must stop dwelling on the past, live for the now, Edward." Hoping he'd settled what ever doubts Ed had, he released the blond's hands, and finished cleaning up the pans in the sink, conscious Edward was watching him.
"Did I ever tell you how much you look like him?" Edward asked. He
clumsily pulled out his chair and sat down.
"At least four times a week." Alphons informed him. Sometimes it bothered him, and it made him wonder what Edward expected him to be. Was he always comparing their friendship to the love he had with the brother he lost?
"You even sound like him…" Edward said, anguish crossing his features. "But you are not like him, not really."
"Well, that's a good thing, I think." Alphons finished the dishes and
turned to the table. It was time to get back to work. He grabbed the
notebook and texts sitting in the center. "Edward, I know it is hard,
and since your father vanished, but you need to move on!"
Those golden eyes hardened and Edward Elric formed fists. "That is
easy for you to say, this is your world…"
It was their world. Alphons thought. How could he explain it to the
young man before him? The apartment, the university, the research, it was all about them being together, and working as a team. Alphons went to object, but Edward was already up, leaving the room in a huff.
&&&&&
Alphons found him in his room, brooding over the box full of
prosthetics set in the corner. Edward's father had made them, and the blond often went though the limbs like one went though water. "I don't know if I have enough." Edward said, glancing at him.
His supply was not in danger of becoming low any time soon. It was not the limbs on Edward's mind. It was his father. "You will have to be more careful then, Edward. No jumping out the 2nd story window after pedestrians who shout at you when you insult their mothers. I'd say."
"You're telling me." Edward leaned against the wall putting his feet
on the bed and meeting his stare. "Do you know what it is like to be
crippled?"
Sitting on the edge of the bed, Alphons dropped a hand to Edward's
shoulder. "After the War, my father returned, he had lost his leg in
the trenches. It was awful. I can recall what he went through, though personally, I can't imagine what it would be like for me." He gestured to the limbs. "Your father made you some fantastic prosthetics. You are very fortunate."
A brooding silence followed. Fierce golden eyes never once left the
box. A frown creased Edward's heart shaped face. "Being crippled.
It's like being a baby again, helpless to do anything but depend on
the people around you. People who always disappoint you…" He looked up, tears glinting in his eyes. "When I first arrived here. I remember how people looked at me, god damned pity in their eyes. They didn't see me. They saw some cripple. I hate that pity…And the old bastard was no different."
Alphons rubbed his chin, thoughtful. "Edward, I'm sure your father
loved you very much."
"Then why is he gone? Again?" Edward blurted out. "The only connection to home is him, and he's gone! Just like with mom! He didn't even have the decency to stick around and get to know his only family…."
"And would you let him do that?" Alphons asked. He had seen it before. Edward shut people out regularly. How long had it taken before the strange young man even spoke to him out side of their studies?
Pouting, Edward fell silent. He clumsily wiped tears from his eyes.
"God damn you."
"Indeed." Alphons brushed off the hurt, and came to stand. He angered Ed, but angering Ed was easy to do. "God damn me for being right. Why don't you stop shutting people out, Edward?" Hurt filled his voice, despite his efforts to keep it out. Hadn't Edward noticed how ill he had been of late? Never once had he addressed his cough and occasional weakness. "Because I see how much you regret it, when you realize it is too late to let them in…"
"Because I can't depend on anyone but myself." Edward shouted. "That's why!"
"Very well." Edward couldn't depend on him. He had lumped Alphons with his father and everyone else who dared tread on his life. He should have suspected it all the long. There was no room in Edward Elric's heart. Fighting the hurt, Alphons stiffly turned, and walked out.
&&&&
Several months later
"Edward?" Alphons asked, looking up from his plate. "It amazes me how you can't seem to cook anything without burning it to a crisp." They were sitting at the table picking at their breakfast food. Edward's lousy cooking had become somewhat a tradition in their little home.
Chewing on the back of his pencil, Edward gave a shrug. "Shut up and eat."
As usual, he was irritable about the issue. Repressing the urge to
grin, Alphons shook his head and shoveled a bite of rubbery egg into his mouth. It was crusty with black and brown bubbles in its flesh. The cough had gotten progressively worse, and he hadn't been feeling well of late, and the food, as horrid as it was, would help him to keep his strength up. "Perhaps I should ask Gracia to give you cooking lessons?"
"Perhaps, Noa should be the one cooking." Edward snorted.
"Noa?" Alphons considered it. Edward was very fond of insisting on
not discriminating against women and confining them to chores around the house. The German lad waved a fork at Ed, smiling. "Well of course we could hand down the job to a woman, but that will still not teach you any culinary skills."
"Screw culinary skills." Edward tossed his plate into the sink and
walked to the door. "You've been avoiding me, Alphons. Is there a
problem?"
Alphons gulped down his food feeling his belly flutter uneasily. It
wasn't a lie; he had been focusing on his work. Edward refused to talk to him, outside of his strange and fantastical stories. And it hurt too darned much to stick around and be compared to a boy who Edward didn't even know was alive.
"You are lying to me, and yourself." Edward said, bluntly. "Why?"
The chair behind him squealed over linoleum as Alphons came to a
stand. He neatly laid his plate in the sink and walked over to Edward. He didn't want to argue. But sometimes, Edward went out of his way to get a reaction. Awkward, Alphons tried to give him a broad smile. "I am working late, building rockets, Edward. It is my dream."
"I suppose one of us should be able to have his dream." Edward
replied, bitterly.
The anger and jealousy sparking in Edward's words were a cold slap in the face. Despite the weakness, Alphons swallowed and grabbed Edward by the shoulders. "You can share it too, Edward, if you just let yourself live in this world!" His word was the real world, and he
couldn't understand why Edward insisted on clinging to his fantasies. Their gazes met, and Alphons's heart thudded against his chest and his lungs screamed. He ached all over and was short of breath, but it didn't compare to the hurt of Edward refusing to share in his world.
Edward's lips trembled and his gaze averted to the floor. "But Al…"
"I'm sorry I'm not him." Alphons snapped, voice catching with pain.
He tore his gaze from Ed to the doorway and Noa. The dark haired gypsy girl had joined them not long ago. She was a poor lonely thing, sold into slavery by her own tribe. Edward had insisted on taking her in, he'd even gotten her a job.
She was grateful to them, and looked to Edward for solace and
companionship. Yet, as usual, Edward Elric ignored her need to be in
his life. The girl shifted, hand covering her mouth as she watched,
grieved and as helpless as Alphons. It frustrated him to no end.
Edward's people skills were a mixture of pathetic and stupid rolled
into one and the German had no idea how to deal with it. Why should they travel in Edward's life, mere shadows of beings he'd never see again? Or never existed in the first place.
Edward paled. "It's not like that…"
It wasn't? Infuriated, Alphons leaned over, lips touching his. The
kiss was tentative, and soft. The mouth beneath his hungry one opened, pressing deeper against his lips. Enraptured, Alphons slid his hands along Ed's back, fingers dancing playfully along the folds of rumpled fabric. The moment lasted for what seemed like an eternity and ended with wide startled golden eyes when Alphons pulled away.
They looked away, hands rubbing their mouths trying to wipe the wet from out faces. Red dotted Edward's cheeks, and Alphons felt a blush warm his face. What had come over him? His heart banged against his chest and he felt shame fill him. How could he have done that? According to the doctrine of his church and the philosophy of Professor Haushofer, kissing Ed was wrong…
It was unnatural for a man to love another man and from the tightening in his crotch, it was more than that. He was attracted to Edward. Hadn't Alphons heard the Thule society speak of this? His career, and his dreams teetered on edge of unrestrained passion. Could he toss it away for something he knew he could not have? Alphons's chest ached, and he covered his mouth. From the wide eyes and slack jaw, his actions had stunned Edward into being speechless. Which was a notable deed in itself. "I'm sorry."
Edward shook his head, hand running though his hair. "No, no… Ah, it's umm, no big deal."
No big deal? Ed didn't mind? That couldn't be it. The irritable young
man must have been too shocked to fathom what happened. Alphons felt week, and his knees shook as he stumbled backward. He could see his dreams for immorality spiral away threatened by his own stupidity. Why didn't he have more control? He needed to escape. The desire to flee drove him to push past the startled blond, leaving him and Noa behind in the kitchen.
&&&
"You kissed me." Edward wouldn't let it drop. The blond followed him into his room and was pacing and waving his hands. It was almost comical, if Alphons had not understood why he was there. "Whatever for? One does not kiss another for nothing…."
Apparently, Ed disliked his answer. Alphons leaned an elbow on his
knee and studied the younger man as he paced. "I ahh, was trying to
distract you." Feigning cheerfulness, the German rubbed the back of
his head, trying to smile. His face was so damn warm he knew he was crimson.
Edward froze, nose wrinkling and brow narrowing. "Distract me?"
Aghast, Alphons sighed, chin dropping to his chest. "Edward it could ruin everything I've been working for."
Edward snorted, plopping down on the bed, beside him. The springs
protested, squeaking as he shifted himself so they were eye to eye.
"Your dream? You started this Alphons. " Edward snapped. "Why did you kiss me?"
Because Edward Elric was beautiful and brilliant and so distant from
him, Alphons wanted to open his eyes and bring their lives together.
But it was a fantasy, like Edward's stories. He looked away, heart
racing. "Because I wanted to. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
You were ranting…"
"And being a clueless bastard?" Edward asked. He gave a soft chuckle and leaned his elbows on his thighs.
He wasn't angry, and Alphons was curious. "And that too." Hesitantly his hand found Ed's. "When you start to rant, I wondered why you don't care… When I…" His face twitched. "When I'm here, and I do care…"
Guilt flickered in Ed's gaze. Clumsily, he squeezed his hand. "I'm…
I'm sorry. I just… get so homesick…I forget."
"This is home, Edward. With me, isn't it? You said home wasn't a
place. It's a person. Why can't I be your home now?" Alphons blurted
out the words before he considered them, and watched Ed's face fill
with loss and torment.
"Alphons." Edward whispered. To his surprise, his false fingertips
trailed down his cheek. "I…"
"You can still love him, Edward and let me in." Had he reached him?
Did he want to reach him? Biting back his fears, Alphons took Ed's
prosthetic and lowered it. "Lets share his dream, Ed. Please? Isn't
that what your brother wants?"
Edward swallowed. "Yes. He'd want me to be happy."
Was he going too far again? Once more, Alphons thought about his
rockets and career and wondered how long he'd be able to hide his
feelings from Edward from his employers. Hopefully for a while, if Ed returned his affections, it would be well worth it… "Yes he would…" He said firmly. Alphons was still uneasy, but felt giddy. "Let it go, Ed, let him rest. Live in the now. Please?"
Edward folded his arms, stubbornly. "What you are asking me to do is…impossible."
"Why?" Alphons asked, feeling the black hole in his gut return. What
if he wasn't reaching Edward? Was this all in vain, would they be able to face each other when all was said and done?
"Because, Al is not dead. He is real, and he needs me. " Edward said
softly. "I can't replace him with a lover."
"I'm not asking you to replace him. He is family, Edward." Alphons
informed, painfully. "I'm asking you to live on and share your heart.
With someone who is NOT family." His fingertips strayed to Ed's face, and traced around and behind his ear. "Please."
"You are as stubborn as I am." Before Alphons could object, Edward
grabbed him by the collar and pulled his lips to his.
Alphons had expected Edward to become annoyed and shout, wave his hands and stomp out of the room. He had not expected that. The German stiffened, drinking in the petal soft touch of Edward's mouth roving over his own. He was his weakness. Alphons responded, hands wrapping around Edward's shoulders and drawing him close.
He was alive, and passionate. Edward's lips slipped from his mouth to his chin and down to Alphons's throat. It tickled and tingled, and the rocket scientist gripped the blond's shoulders tighter; pulling at the fabric of his white shirt with his fingers. He could feel Edward as he kissed a trail up and around to the back of his ear…
Alphons forgot how wrong it was to let him touch him. "Gott in
Himmel, Edward, how do you know such things…"?
To his surprise, Edward pulled slightly away. He considered the
question. "I read Dracula, racy Victorian smut…. But I'm afraid that
is about the extent of my sexual knowledge…" He smirked waving a
finger in the air. "Guess we'll have to do some research. Outside
biological texts on the matter…"
Rolling his eyes, Alphons grabbed Edward and tossed him down on the bed, and straddled him. "Why do you have to do things the hard way?"
Edward frowned. "The hard way? Bloody hell, Alphons, I've never been involved with ANYONE, let alone another man…"
"And how can you be so casual about it?" Alphons asked, face fluent
with frustration. "Edward, it's not accepted. We're going to have to
keep it secret. We're sinning against God."
It was out, his frustrations, his fears, and suddenly Alphons felt
very foolish.
"I don't give a damn about God." Edward retorted. "Goddamn, crazy
backward world." He glared at Alphons, honestly confused. "It doesn't matter, Alphons. I can tell you for a bloody fact, God doesn't consider men sleeping with men a sin. It doesn't give a damn. Believe me, I know what sin is."
He was so certain. Alphons studied Edward's face, the curve of his
lips, the soft pink blush darkening his pale cheeks. Those gold eyes
were alive with a fire he had not seen before. Edward was excited.
Edward honestly didn't know what the hell he was doing, and Edward didn't care what ANYONE thought. Most of all, it was something Edward Elric wanted.
"I wish, I had your confidence." Alphons replied. "And strength."
"So," Edward folded his arms, deep golden eyes glinting in the
flickering gaslight. "I don't know what you want then ,Alphons. Mixed messages just piss me off."
Yes, he was sending a mixed message. Alphons's heart and mind were not one in this. His dream of rockets and his desire to love Edward conflicted. How could he have both and would Edward truly understand what he was risking? Alphons considered Edward and kissed his lips. "To go slow, Edward to savor the moment and to learn about who Edward Elric is and how he can love another. Love is more than sex, Edward, it is the union of two people who trust each other and are friends as well as lovers. And I want to know if you understand this. I am risking my heart as well as my career."
"And I can be an ass." Edward whispered, looking away. "Emotional
involvement is difficult for me, Alphons."
"I realize that, Edward." Alphons said firmly. "But I need you to try."
Gold eyes clouded with hesitation. Edward rolled his head to the side. "Live in this world. I did promise you I'd try. Didn't I? All right,
Alphons. I'll try not to be like my old man. Ok? But it is the best I
can do."
"It is all I ask, Ed." Alphons lay down next to him, pulling him
close. He leaned his head into Edward's golden locks and closed his eyes. He was just content holding the smaller man and bundling the night was a start.
Epilogue
Ed tried. He struggled with his emotional distance….
But could never ever forget the brother and world he left and, as with all obsessions, it eventually drove them apart.
And Alphons was dying. His disease grew worse, and by the time he was to a doctor for a diagnosis, it was to late. Tuberculosis was in its advanced stages, and his time was running rapidly out.
Gagging on blood, the young rocket scientist gazed up at the woman holding him. Beyond her he could see the glowing gold and turbulent seas of the rift, Deitlinde Ekhardt opened to Shambala.
Ed's world. And all these years together he'd only half believed the
young man's stories. Yet now, Edward was gone, though the swirling mists of the gate, in a rocket of Alphons's design, never to be seen or held by his arms again… "Don't mourn or envy him." He said, looking at the soulful dark eyes of Noa, as she drew him closer. "Be happy. Edward is home. " He stared deep into her haunted gaze, feeling his heart thud painfully against his chest.
Blood covered her skirts, and hands as she tried to stop the wound
from bleeding. The bullet passed though him, tearing at his gut, and
staining his shirt with crimson "I can't stop it…" She said, lips
trembling. "Alphons… I can't stop it…"
Darkness closed in the edges of his vision. But he smiled at her,
feeling his own tears fill his eyes. He would regret leaving her, but
Edward, Edward was safe with his brother in paradise. "He's gone, Noa. You don't need to stop it. Death was inevitable and I need to be with him." He tried to explain, but all he saw was her mournful eyes and lonely features lost in grief. How could he tell her, he needed to die, to be with him, yet she'd never understand. Today she lost two men she cared for. Alphons' fingers curled around Noa's.
He could almost see Edward now, veiled in white. Those golden eyes
were filled with a burning fire Alphons never saw.
The German's body shuddered wracked with agonized coughs. Edward, his Edward was home, and the tiny frame of a honey blond haired boy was in his arms, weeping. Love. Ed had a difficult time showing him the emotion, but there, with that boy, it came naturally.
Alphons wept, Ed was frozen inside, yet now he was free to feel again, and grow. The world around him darkened and he lay for an eternity in blissful rainbow dreams, about clouded lights and dimming stars. Noa's touch faded.
"You God damned fool." A gruff contralto voice drew him only for a
fleeting instant. It was Edward, his Edward, looking down at him, face moist with tears and he embraced him. "I'm here, and I had to come back, and you had to go and fucking die on me…" Trembling fingers touched Alphons's cheek, wiping away dirt and splattered blood.
"Why?" Alphons whispered, his hand loosely finding Edward's. He saw Noa standing, arms wrapped about her chest, as she silently wept behind Edward. "You were home, with him…"
"I missed your damned cooking, you know, I can't cook, all those
charcoal covered eggs get a bit gross after a while." Edward tried to
laugh, and sucked in a sob burying his head into Alphons's shoulder. "I love you, that's why. This is my world, now… Because you are in it…"
It was ironic, Alphons thought, mind fading as his own breaths became painfully harder. He barely made out a boy's lithe form, standing not far away, watching in silence. Edward's brother. "Because I am in it?" He asked, dreamily looking up at his golden haired friend. "Home is a person, not a place, Ed. You'll be fine, and I know you will." He gave a gentle squeeze and averted his fading vision to Noa. "Let her in, Edward. Noa needs a home as well."
The young man nodded, kissing Alphons on the lips. With his last
shuttering breath, Alphons felt a wash of peace settle over him.
Edward loved him, enough to make his world his own. And even though he was dying Edward would stay there, and remember him, for he, Alphons Heinrich, mattered in the end. He just had enough strength to smile before surrendering to the endless tunnel of light enveloping him.