It's there, waiting for me. I can feel it staring at me. I just need to ignore it. Ignore it... Ignore it! But I can't. It stares at me, knowing its winning; knowing it owns me, controls me. Its not fair. It's not right. It's not... it helps. It makes me weak, but it helps. Of course it helps: its poison... like me.
It knows I'm a tainted soul, so it helps in its own sick twisted way. It takes me back to when I was so innocent, and unafraid. I liked that place, even if the memories are bad ones, they're better then this ... this hell. Still, some memories are good, like Mom reading to me. She loved to read to me. Anything she could get her hands on. I miss Mom... does she know I'm gone? Probably not; I suppose only my team know I'm gone. It's getting closer now. I can't stop it. I don't want to stop it.
Tobias is giving it to me. Him and I are alike in so many ways... even more so now. He was weak, and let it help him. I'm doing the same. Poor Tobias; he had to find this poisonous healer by himself, and he gave it to me willingly. So nice... so kind. Its too bad he has this illness. It's not his fault, its not his idea. It's his Father.
In a way, it makes me like I was lucky... To not have a father, I mean. If I had choose between my own childhood and Tobias', I would choose mine. No father is better than a heartless one. I can't blame Tobias for how he acts, or why he started to take it. It helps me, frees me from the pain... so much pain. It gives a comfort I never got, as it also provided for Tobias. But I can't stop taking it; maybe that's why Tobias ended up with MPD. He stopped taking it, so he needed another way to release the pain. And what happened? His father seemed the perfect monster to do this from. I can't let a monster control me; it would hurt too much.
Tobias is pushing the needle into me now. further and further, releasing it. bringing me to salvation. its hurts for a moment; one long, horrendous moment. But then, I see me and mom. Another movie for me to watch. A whimper leaves my lips as I close my eyes. Tobias strokes my hair, and whispers something... but I don't hear what he says. The memory is closer now, and I can't wait any longer. I give a silent thank you to the poisonous healer, and let it control me.