This is my first fan fiction, and I wanted to do a little gender-bending because of the sad lack of ladies in Middle Earth. They aren't all gender-swapped. I didn't change the dwarves' names because I figured they all sound pretty unisex. This follows the movie very closely and the book a little as well. The romance comes in a bit further, so bear with me.

Just as Bonnabell the hobbit had just sat down to eat her dinner, someone rang the bell. She looked up in surprise. Surely that old wizard Gandalf hadn't come back to bother her some more about that nasty adventure business? She wasn't even properly dressed for guests. Still, it wouldn't do to leave a guest waiting out in the dark, and so she opened the door ready to politely (but firmly) send him away again.

To her astonishment, it was not Gandalf at all but a large, menacing dwarf woman. Bonnie had seen dwarves occasionally passing through the roads near the Shire, but never had the desire to see one up close. She was at least a head taller than Bonnie, and had the sides of her head shaved. She had sparse, wiry hairs on her chin and smelled like an animal. Bonnie couldn't help but wrinkle her nose. The dwarf stepped inside without waiting to be invited.

"Do I know you?" Bonnie spluttered, tying her robe firmly around her nightgown.

The dwarf glared at her for a moment. "No," she said in disgust, throwing her mangy coat on the nearest peg. "Where's the food?"

In the end, Bonnabell had to sacrifice her lovely dinner and watched sadly as it was devoured by this stranger. She had tattoos on the shaved part of her head, Bonnie noticed with horror. And she ate like a dog. Just as Bonnie was passing her a plate of rolls, the bell rang again.

"That'll be the door," the dwarf said menacingly.

She opened it to yet another dwarf, an old one with a snow white beard. He smiled at her and stepped inside. "Balin, at your service. Sister!" he exclaimed, seeing the other dwarf at the table.

The dwarf approached him with a fierce smile. "Well bless my whiskers, you've grown shorter since last we met," she growled.

"Wider, not shorter," Balin replied. Instead of embracing, they headbutted each other so hard it made Bonnie's eyes water. She had never seen such a display, and it was happening right in her kitchen. What if the neighbors had seen these two at her door?

The bell rang a third time. Bonnie sucked the air in through her teeth angrily. "This had better be that wizard, so I can give him a piece of my mind." But instead, it was two younger, more attractive dwarves, who seemed to be brother and sister. The one on the left had a ginger-blonde beard and smiling eyes, who said, "Fili." "And Kili," said the second, a dark haired dwarf with a just a bit of peach fuzz on her chin. They both bowed and said, "At your service."

"No, no, you've got the wrong house," Bonnie said, and closed the door swiftly. Kili stuck her boot out just in time, blocking it.

"Has it been cancelled?" she asked, forcing the door back open easily.

"Nobody told us," Fili said.

"No, of course it hasn't been cancelled, what hasn't been –?"

"Ah, good," they said cheerfully, walking right in and throwing their coats down. Kili was scraping the mud off of her boots on Bonnie's furniture, and she hadn't a clue where those other two dwarves had got to, most likely cleaning out her nice pantry…

Fili dumped a load of sharp, heavy weapons into Bonnie's arms. "Careful with these, I just had them sharpened," he said, winking and striding into the kitchen. Bonnie was soundlessly mouthing words in outrage.

"Miss Dwalin!" Kili said, seeing the great mo-hawked dwarf emerging from the kitchen. All the dwarves knew each other, Bonnie thought darkly. Perhaps they were all related, it would explain the terrible manners they were raised with.

The bell rang again. "No, no, no," Bonnie said, throwing down Fili's heap of weapons. She opened the door and what looked like ten more dwarves all collapsed in a heap on her rug. Gandalf was standing behind them all, and looked in serenely.

And so Bonnie was resigned to standing in the hall as the throng of dwarves pushed around her, balancing food and plates and bottles of wine and all talking very loudly. They paid her no mind, and in the end they all got situated around the table and had a merry feast. Bonnie looked sadly into her pantry, which had been completely emptied.

A loud pounding on the door brought the singing to a halt. All the dwarves looked at each other, and Gandalf said ominously, "He's here."

Bonnie was almost afraid to open the door again. She hesitantly went into the hall, the dwarves following quietly behind. If there was someone they were afraid of, he had to be quite fearsome. She opened the door to reveal another dwarf, a tall one, wearing a clean fur and very fine armor. He did not introduce himself, but held her in a steady gaze and stepped inside. He had a heavy brow and sharp, grey eyes. "You said this house would be easy to find, Gandalf," he said in a deep voice. "But I would not have found it at all, if it had not been for that mark on the door."

"There's no mark on my door, it's freshly painted," Bonnie said indignantly.

"Of course there is a mark, I put it there myself. Bonnabell, this is the leader of our company, Thorin Oakenshield," Gandalf said. The other dwarves were looking at him raptly, as if he were a king. He certainly carried himself like one.

He looked around her house, and his eyes finally landed back on her. "So this is the hobbit," he said, looking at her appraisingly. She felt even more exposed in her nightgown and robe; he was making her feel very flustered. He was a good foot taller than she was. "She does not look like a burglar, more like a grocer." The dwarves chuckled. Bonnie was stung for a moment, until she realized he had said burglar.

"Burglar, Gandalf?"

"Come now, sit down and have a drink, Thorin," Gandalf said, very obviously avoiding Bonnie. He ushered the dwarf into the kitchen, where they all regrouped and brought Thorin a bowl of stew. Bonnie hung back, partly because all the chairs were taken and partly because this new dwarf intimidated her so.

They all began talking about a mission, and Bonnie supposed this was Gandalf's harebrained adventure. It all sounded dreadful to her and she tuned out all their talk, dearly wishing they would leave. But Gandalf pulled out a map, and she couldn't help but lean in interestedly. She loved maps and codes and things, and had spent a good deal of time drawing up her own of the Hill and favorite walking places. But Gandalf's map looked a good deal stranger to her. It featured a large mountain peak and a drawing of a dragon. It had several runes on it, and a finger pointing towards the west side of the mountain.

He began explaining about a treasure chamber, and produced a strangely wrought key. Thorin took it in wonder. It seemed there was a secret back door that the dwarves aimed to sneak into. "And that's where our burglar comes in," Gandalf said.

"Yes, and a very good one too," Bonnie murmured, eyes still glued on the map. "An expert, I should think."

"And are you?" Balin asked.

Bonnie jerked out of her reverie. All of the dwarves were staring at her, including Thorin. "Am I what?" she said.

"An expert."

She had an unpleasant lurch of understanding. "What, you think I'm the…? No. No, no no, I've never stolen a thing in my life," she said.

Thorin turned around with a satisfied smirk.

"The wild is not for gentle ladies who've never fought a day in their lives," Dwalin said. "She's probably the type to stay at home and pop out lots of little hobbit babies. Just give her a break, Gandalf."

All the dwarves joined in, arguing that Gandalf had found them a faulty burglar. Bonnie knew she shouldn't, but she felt oddly chastised and embarrassed that she was not, in fact, an expert thief. But Gandalf stood up, his shadow extending longer than it should have, and said, "Bonnabell Baggins is a burglar, and a burglar she is. Hobbits are remarkably light on their feet, and can pass undetected by most if they wish. And Bonnabell is quite small for a hobbit, even a hobbit-lady. A dragon will not recognize the scent of hobbit, if he even sees her at all." Bonnie had to admit this was true, but she was beginning to feel a bit sick. "You must trust me on this," Gandalf said to Thorin.

"You'll be needing to sign this contract, then, dearie," Balin said to Bonnie, handing her a long parchment filled with spidery writing. "That's just the usual."

Bonnie took it, skimming the thin writing. Words started jumping out at her like "lacerations" and "disembowelment." "Incineration?" she exclaimed out loud. Everyone looked at her.

"Oh yes, it'll melt the flesh right off your bones," said a cheerful dwarf with a starched hat and rosy cheeks. The only whiskers she had were a few on her upper lip, but her wild braids overshadowed everything. "Think furnace, but with wings!"

Bonnie stared at the paper. Her head was swimming. "No," she managed, before she keeled over.

…

Things were only dark of a second, before she groggily realized she was being carried in thick, strong arms. She looked up into the grave face of Thorin, who had caught her just in time and was now setting her down in her armchair. He didn't seem so mocking now, just pitying. "Thank you," Bonnie muttered, embarrassed. Thorin only stumped over to the fire place, staring into the flames.

Gandalf appeared with a mug of tea. The rest of the dwarves filed into the den, lighting their pipes and filling the room with smoke rings. They had quieted down a great deal, and Bonnie was thankful. She sipped her tea and listened as they all began humming a deep, dark sounding song. Thorin began singing, and she was surprised to hear that his voice was low and lovely. The rest joined in, even Dwalin in her low bass. They sang about mountains, and then a fire. Bonnie realized they were singing about their old mountain, the one on Gandalf's map, and the dragon attack that had happened there. They all had a steely reserve on their faces as they sang, and it nearly broke Bonnie's heart.

"You must sign the contract, Bonnabell," Gandalf said quietly from next to her. "When did doilies and your mother's dishes become so important to you? I remember a little girl who came in trailing mud through the house, and who went looked for elves in the forest. I know you pore over your maps and things because you long for adventure. Well the real world isn't in your books and maps, Bonnabell, it's out there." He looked towards the dark window. "Bag End will still be here when you come back, and the Shire will be the same as ever."

Bonnie sighed. "Can you guarantee that I will come back?"

He hesitated. "No. And if you do, you will not be the same."

"That's what I was afraid of. I'm sorry, Gandalf. I can't. You'll just have to find another burglar."

She got up before he could make a reply and went straight to bed. She lay awake for a long while, listening to the thumps and bumps of the dwarves milling around in her house finding places to sleep. Thorin evidently chose the best guest bedroom for himself, for she could hear him still singing quietly to himself through the wall. She drifted off to sleep and dreamed of mountains and piercing, grey eyes.