Found What You Only Wished You Could Look For
1. Bruised but Numb
I did sit in my room thinking I could go back in time and change everything, all the time. But nothing ever seemed to happen; I was still home and wishing everything would stop. Moving away back to my mom living in Jacksonville about two weeks after… well I couldn't think of it… was probably the WORST mistake I'd ever made in my life. It had just caused me more pain, suffering, and sadness. I couldn't help but picture the moment when my life turned into a fight to even wake up in the morning. I mean, I thought my life couldn't get any worse. But, of course as fate would have it, it did.
Phil was at a meeting with the team, 'The Suns'. And they were trying to decide if he should become part of the team or just simply be there if he needed a replacement. And I had to screw it up. Me and my mom, Renee, were invited to sit with him. And once they made the decision, they wanted to play some baseball. It was meant to be the first game as a team before the start of the season in the spring. My mom wanted me to take a picture of her at the park, and I tripped over, something I don't remember what it was and knocked right into Phil, apparently with enough force to mess up his shoulder enough so he could never play baseball very well professionally, again. And I was the cause.
I just sat leaning hugging my knees tightly staring at the moon. It was a small sliver of a crescent. I'm glad at least there's no palm trees outside. crash!!! Suddenly I was being brought back to reality from my "silly" day dreams, by another empty liquor bottle Phil was slamming on the wall. All he did was sit in his chair drinking, drinking, and drinking. He drank till he went mad, then came after me. Always. My mom was still feeling bad for him, and doesn't believe me. She was the one working. And a lot of that money ended up in Phil's liver. Then…right on queue, he was walking up the stairs to me, for me, at me.
I was actually starting to think I could make it to Kara's Birthday, without any new bruising and scrapes. I stared at the yellowing bruises surrendering to the new blue and purple ones not to far away. All on the back of my right arm and side. It was only an hour after Phil's outrage. He crashed drunk on the couch right after. He was in his deep sleep by now, and my mom was away on a business trip. So I laid down, and let every emotion pour out of me. Tears rolling down my face, and loud sobs came out of my throat. Screaming for it to stop and for him to come back, save me, love me. It was all I wanted. I chose to think about his horrifying goodbye, it was the result I wanted more tears and numbness to get rid of the pain, loosing him, and the terrible bruises. Bruises that gave me nightmares. All ending with him in it. OF COURSE I ended up screaming. Every time.
I felt a song come into my mind as I thought of the terrible scene in my memory. Liz would appreciate it, and love my vision of it. It let me sleep. Hearing his voice when I drifted into unconsciousness, "Bella". I suddenly remembered by a dream, Kara's birthday concert was in her home town. Denali, Alaska.