title generation of crack
word count 1640
summary the ones where they weren't quite smashing teams to smithereens and rubbing their butts all over their destroyed hopes. Oh and weren't at angsting level 9000 because desu.—CRACK drabbles, gen.
author's note I have no excuse for this mess. I've noticed that I've been writing a lot of angst fics and I decided, hey, why not write a crack fic? I apologize for my dry humor. Also, I'll try to update my other ongoing stories ASAP but we'll see how it goes. ALSO I JUST NOTICED I FORGOT MURASAKIBARA FML. I'M SO SORRY.
I'll probably go back one day and clean up the mistakes.
drabble #1—denial, denial
It was a day of clear skies when Kise suddenly reached an epiphany at lunch. His current girlfriend jumped back as he suddenly leapt to his feet and sprinted away. He didn't hear her screaming after him—"Ryota-kun..?!". Doesn't matter, he was going dump her tomorrow anyways.
Storming into the library, Kise opened the door and called out, "Midorimacchi!"
Said teen turned abruptly, eyes narrowing. "Kise, I've told you countless times that this is a library and you must be—Kise what are you doing?!"
The blond was currently dumping all of the books that took Midorima countless lunch periods to sort out on the ground. He didn't hear the small whimper of heartbreak the teen let out as the books fell.
"This is important!" Kise grabbed the other's shoulders, lowered him to eye-level, and practically stared into his soul. "I think we have a speech problem."
Midorima bristled, his nose turning up towards the sky as he huffed. "I assure you that I have no such thing. My speaking skills are near perfect! The only one who has a higher score than me is Akashi." The little fucker.
Kise ignored his last statement, "See, right there!"
"It seems that your copying style has affected your brain. Not only do you play like a monkey, your brain has evolved into a monkey's as well." My god, now I can finally call animal control.
Kise slapped him. "LISTEN TO ME, THIS IS LIFE OR DEATH." Midorima promptly shut up. "Midorimacchi, you and I…add suffixes when we talk!"
"…What?" Midorima said. "You slapped me" and holy hell it hurts like a bitch "because you think we add suffixes to our speech? I assure you that I don't—"
"STOP MIDORIMACCHI. DON'T ADD IT." The phrase, -ssu, was not unheard as Kise finished talking.
"I have no idea what you're talk—" Another slap on his other cheek. Fuck that one hurt.
"It's okay Midorimacchi. The first step to moving on is denial, but I'll help you get over it! I promise! Now, repeat after me, 'I will no longer add –nanodayo.'-ssu"
"If I say it will you stop slapping me?" Midorima asked, rubbing his sore cheeks that swollen like a chipmunk. Kise nodded. " 'I will no longer add –nanodayosuu'-nanodayo."
Kise slapped him again, "Stop adding it Midorimacchi!"
"I still don't know what you're talking ab—and will you stop slapping me?!"
"I won't stop until it goes away!" Kise said, another smack to Midorima's cheek.
"What about you?! You add—ow!" Fuck, those hurt like hell. Goddamnit Kise.
Kise landed another blow on Midorima's cheek, "Stop adding it!" Y U NO LISTEN, MIDORIMACCHI?!
…this was gonna be a long lunch period.
drabble #2—Akashi the great
"I've had enough!" One of the third years yelled. "I'm sick of following a shortass, second year as captain! Seriously, you aren't even that good!"
"Is that so?" Akashi asked, reaching into his bag and grabbing the first thing that touched his hand.
"Damn right it is!" The third year yelled, "I'll smash your little face in and see how high and mighty you are th—" Something cold whizzed past his face, slicing his cheek shallowly as he dodged on instinct. "—what the fuck?!"
"Ah, it seems that these scissors are quite useful." Akashi said, retracting his arm and observing a few drops of blood trickle down the blade end. "So you were saying you could beat me up, huh?" Snip snip, bitch. I am absolute, who the fuck do you think you are, peasant?
He opened and closed the scissors ominously, smiling slyly. The third year nearly pissed his pants as Akashi's arm whipped out, scissors open and ready for cutting.
Several cuts later, the third year laid on the floor, groaning and bleeding.
Akashi smiled. You came to the wrong neighborhood, motherfucker.
drabble #3—to the moon & back
When Kuroko was first promoted to being a first stringer, he got a lot of shit. You see, while he was a relatively passive person—except when involving Aomine-kun, because he's special—even he got fed up. Second stringers often thought that he wasn't even worthy of the second string, much less the first.
So it was to no surprise that one, very unfortunate person had been his punching bag for once. This guy in particular—he was named after Jugemu-Jugemu Gokujasdkfsajdl something. Seriously, who names their kid after a fucking folktale with that long of a name?—was one of those arrogant, cocky ones. Though, he kind of had a reason, because he was really fucking buff. Like goddamn, are you on fucking stereoids-buff.
"You're such a coward, Kuroko. You aren't even close to good. You should just quit basketball! You and your friend, Ogiwara-kun was it?" Jugemuidkmybffjill-something mocked, emphasizing on Ogiwara's name.
A crowd had formed around the two and honestly, Kuroko was pretty damned pissed. Because Ogiwara is fucking perfect and kawaii and don't soil his name with your mouth, trash.
"I bet if I give you a freebie, you wouldn't even hurt me with your noodle arms!" Jugemuakjsdfks said. "Go on, give it your best shot, Kuroho—"
Kuroko then Ignite Pass-ed him into fucking space—hah, you think these are noodle arms now, motherfucker?! A distinct ting was heard as a star sparkled into the sky, eerily similar to how Team Rocket from Pokemon blasted off.
And then everyone realized what a badass motherfucker Kuroko really was and promptly shut the fuck up.
Several miles away, Kagami looked up at the sky, wondering how the hell he could see a star during the daylight. And Japan is so fucking weird.
drabble #4—watch me shine
Aomine, being the ever-brilliant mind he was came to a realization after a particularly fantastic shot. Like seriously, it was really freakin' chill, that shot of his. "If I'm the light, why am I so dark?!"
And it really bothered him. Like, so much, he almost looked up a book on skin tones and stuff. Almost. Then he had an, oh, duuuuhh moment. You know those moments? When you have a brain fart and you just realize what you were doing was wrong and shit? Yeah, that happened a lot to Aomine.
It was 'cause he was so bright that it tanned his skin so he was dark! Duuuh, gosh, Daiki, you are sooooo slow sometimes! And so whenever people asked him why he was so dark compared to his team, he'd only grin, because he was obviously so much smarter than Midorima who goes on and on about only God can change your intelligence and shit.
And really, that meant he was the best light. Like a star, but, like, brighter. Yeah.
drabble #5—oh god my eyes
As a girl who collected information on a daily basis, Momoi was well aware of how to break into some records and pull out notes made by coaches, captains and such. Really, it was too easy. Though, she personally loved going to matches and recording information because it was always the most recent and easier to calculate their potential and progress rate.
However, it was a horrid day when she stumbled on the horror that is, fanfiction.
Apparently, some fans of Teiko's basketball team believed that Kise and Aomine were meant to be. Which was fine with Satsuki because it didn't really affect her and Dai-chan can like who Dai-chan likes. But it really pisses her off when she's described as like this jealous witch in the Aomine x Kuroko section of the fandom. Seriously, what the fuck?!
Even though Tetsu-kun is hers and Dai-chan is her best friend, she wouldn't try to rip them apart…too much. But she enjoyed the fics on them and how cute the fans thought she and Tetsu-kun were together.
And then, she discovered lemons.
It was just a coincidence that the author of so many fanfictions she loved had favorited several lemons. Curious to what they were, she clicked on one and holy fucking hell she was regretted it so much.
Because honestly, she didn't want to know what the fans thought Dai-chan's…thing was like. Or how they hoped that Kise, Aomine, and Kuroko would get into a threesome, or how Akashi and Midorima were absolutely "sugoi!" and just nopenopenope.
She closed the tab and vowed never to read a fanfiction again, seriously. Fans were fucking scary, bro.
drabble #6—he is a manly man
Kuroko was getting reaaaaaaaaaaaaaal tired of people's shit nowadays. Just because he was relatively average in appearance and skills didn't mean he was a girl physically. In fact, if anything, Kuroko is a man. And not just any normal man, he is the man.
"Kagami-kun, I could've handled it just fine." Kuroko says.
"Yeah, right!" Kagami screams, "You would've gotten beaten up in two seconds flat!"
"That may be true, but they'll experience my guns first." Kuroko lifts up his arms, flexing for emphasis.
Kagami throws his hands up in the air in exasperation, "You don't have any!"
It was then that an extremely buff teen, looking familiar to Kuroko walked by. The teen, whom Kuroko then recognized was Jegumasdjfkasldf-whatever from a few years ago. Jegumcwkjehm eyes' widened, remembering him and his mouth dropped open in surprise. Kuroko reached out, "Ah, it's you. I wish to—"
Jegumkadjflae let out a girlish shriek and ran away, screaming in a scarily high pitched tone. "Don't hurt me, don't hurt me!"
Kagami gaped, looking back and forth between Kuroko and the overly buff teen, running his ass off. "What the fuck?!" He screamed indignantly. "Holy shit dude, what did you do to him?"
Kuroko's lips twitched up into a smirk, "I just showed him how manly I am."
Aah, it felt good being the man.
author's note welp I'm so sorry for your eyes. This is more of a drabble collection because of the messiness. Haha, I'll go try to my other fics now.