Disclaimer:
I own me. ^-^Rating:
Erm, I'll go with...PG? o.OSpoilers:
Not a oneWarning:
Depressed!Harry, Bastard!Ron, and Slut-Wannabe!Harry. @-@Archive:
Take it, take it! ...Erm, just tell me first though, ok?Send your love and naked Slytherins to:
RandomSlytherin@Yahoo.com or Slytherin_Dragon@HPWizardPost.zzn.comNote:
This one I wrote a few months ago, when I was rather upset at my girlfriend for...some reason or another. ^^; When I get upset I write monologues. SO here goes...^^;Learning to Fly
I want to be free.
Free to love whomever I want to love. Free to kiss whomever I want to kiss. I don't want to have to hide everything that I hold dear to me.
Instead, I am locked in a cage, placed high upon a shelf. Look at me, but don't touch. Never touch.
Because the redheaded lion will tear you to pieces.
A bird, made to be free, but kept put away, hidden from view.
I want out. I want to touch and to be touched. I want to be able to go to a friend, crawl into his bed, and be able to hold him all night without it really meaning anything. I want to run my fingers through a crop of hair that's brown or blonde. No more red.
Is it so much to ask, really, to be taken off of display every now and again? Is it a terrible thought to let me speak to another person?
The entire Wizarding community knows me, wants to know me. And yet, they can't get close, for fear of my keeper.
I wanted a lover and a friend. Instead, I got a violent, jealous jailer, hell-bent on keeping me only to himself.
And the fights... The constant fighting. My calm nature is no match for his fiery temper.
I've never cried so much in my life. I know I'm not passive or weak, but I can barely even hold my own against him.
He's never hit me, never truly touched my in violence unless I ask, but I know that he can, and he can break me. Sometimes I wish he would. Sometimes I wish he would slap me across the face or punch me in the stomach. At least that way I wouldn't have to be at fault for breaking up.
In my short live I've only dated three other people besides Ron. The first two lasted about two weeks each; the third, about four months. I had to be the one to end it each time.
It's sad, really, how I allow myself to fall for someone, and then let them entrap me. Soon after...I tire of them. Am I a terrible person? Should I stay with them, even after the initial novelty wears off? And if I were then to be claimed by someone else...would I tire of them, too?
Would they lock me away in a golden cage, only to be looked at and played with when it pleased them? Worse yet, would I allow it? I must admit, I would most likely allow it, even beg for it. I want to be free, and yet...
And yet, I crave the comfort and the sanctity of crawling into the same pair of arms, kissing the same pair of lips.
If only I could... Could what? Be owned and at the same time, be free? Allowed to touch and be touched as I please, them fall into the safety of familiar arms then I've played my bit?
'Allowed.'
I should not have to ask permission. Not from my lover. Permission is given from a parent or from a teacher. Lovers should not have to ask permission. Friends should not have to ask.
I tell myself almost daily, once Ron and I break up, I won't date again. Not for several years, if ever. And then I see people; friends, enemies, total strangers, and I want to throw myself upon them, giving into their will, letting them take the lead, and smiling as I do it.
I want to be free. But I want to be safe. Freedom means broken emotions, and that terrible hollow feeling inside. It also offers the opportunity to refill that hole as often or as little as I want, using whomever I please.
The normalcy of a steady relationship can hurt more than the emptiness. The hole is filled til it can not possibly hold any more, yet it keeps being added to, added to, until it suffocates you with the wrong kind of full. And when it fills to the point just before exploding is when it hurts the most. Its there, you know that its there, and still you let it be added to, just a little more, a little more...
But what happens after the explosion? Nothing is accomplished, I have cried, he has yelled, and the hole starts to fill again.
There is a point where the hole is no longer being filled in with the pure, sweet love that everyone wants to believe in. It fills with lust and frozen fire and something akin to what we call 'love' but is closer to loathing. And again it builds up in a horrible, endless cycle; building and exploding and building again, repeated so many painful times.
If you're lucky, one of the explosions will finally end it. Or, even better, somewhere during the building process, it ends nicely and with that mutual understanding that never really existed.
And if not, you are stuck like me in your cage, hounded by your emotions, your lies and your secrets, and the disturbing now quite knowledge of that would come to be if he learns of the not-truths. Rather than living in freedom, the painful keeping of secrets and lies ties you down, clips your wings. Crushes your heart until the lifeblood runs out in red rivers over its fingers.
I want my wings back. And yet, I am afraid to feel their weight once more.
Owari! ^-^
v. 1.0: 5.2.02
v. 2.0: 8.15.02
Heh...Damn you, Ron!! . Have I mentioned I don't like Ron/Harry? I don't...but it worked out the best in this situation. Erm...everything that Harry said is my own feelings. x.x (Hey, I'm 18, I'm allowed to get depressed!!) Like I said, whenever I get upset, out pops a monologue. X.X Used to be Tsukiyono Omi...now its Harry. .-.;
Hope I didn't depress everyone too much. T-T I put out a couple of squishy fics yesterday and the day before, its time for a couple of slightly angsty ones. ^^;
As always, much thanks to everyone who reviews, and even those of you who just read it and don't review. I love you guys lots. XD Though the more you review, the more I'll know you like me. The more I know you like me, the more fics I put out. Isn't that a nice trade-off? ^^
Lots of love and chocolate-covered Slytherins~
-=Keiran Shea=-
-a Random Slytherin with an upset stomach T-T