Disclaimer: All characters (with the exception of the poodle) belong to QaF's creators and to Showtime. But I own the poodle! The poodle's miiiine!

"You sure do have a knack for picking the right places, don't you Teddy boy." Hi. I'm Ted Schmidt and that would be me talking to myself. It's not something I usually do but I'm not opposed to stooping to it should the situation present itself. Today. Today is really one of those situations.

It started with exhaustion. I was up late last night attempting to prepare the presentation that could revolutionize my career. Intricate details, charts, calculations, and three types of graphs. Four seconds into rehearsing my speech with those little 3x5 notecards I realized exactly what I was preparing for. The gravity of the situation, the amount that was riding on the success of this demonstration. Next came nerves; next came the only method of soothing nerves I had available at the moment, porn. Yes, I watched it all night. And in the morning I felt like shit.

Driving to the Marriott. Eyelids closing, cars honking as I just barely manage to avoid slamming into the side of an Utz potato chip truck. The Utz girl gave me an evil glare. Twenty more minutes of driving…a horn blaring through my skull as I realize that I'm stopped in the center of an intersection. Need to get off the road. I need…caffeine.

Why did I do it. I walked hurriedly back to my car, eyes closed, sipping slowly, imagining the cool mocha frapechino flowing through my veins. Invigorating. Life giving.

Missing the ankle height rope and orange flags completely, I tripped and found myself lying face down in a two-inch deep mud pit, still clutching the frapechino in my right hand. Not even a drop had spilled.

I just lay there. Couldn't move. Didn't want to think. "Great, Ted. Marvelous, darling. Mud on your face, soaking into your starched white shirt, ruining your best pants, creeping into your shoes, and squishing against the soles of your feet. What a sight. What a piece of work." I lowered my head into the mud again, squeezing my eyes against the onslaught of cold filth. It was all ruined now. Why bother getting up?

Cold. Cold on the back of my neck. And wet. Licking. Something was definitely licking me. I tried to get to my knees in an attempt to shake whatever it was off, only to be pushed back down again by furry paws. With an agonized sigh I gave in. Why not? I didn't have the strength for this.

A scant few minutes later I heard footsteps running down the path towards me.

"Gladys?! Gladys!? Aw, c'mon girl, where are y-----GLADYS!" A man's voice. Loud, tenor, and slightly southern. And getting nearer. "There you are you sneaky little…Oh who am I kidding, I missed you! Don't you ever do that to me agai…Oh my god honey are you all right?!" The voice was behind me now, realized thankfully that the slobbery weight was being lifted off my back. I sat up somewhat stiffly, trying to wipe the mud off my face with an even muddier sleeve. God, what a disaster. How late was I? Suddenly a hand was thrust in front of my face and I remembered my savior.

"Are you all right?" The voice anxiously asked again.

I look up…and froze. The stranger was a young man, probably a couple of years younger than me. He was tall, with light brown hair, and his outfit, consisting of black and pink leopard print pants and a black fishnet shirt screamed of…well…something, but the eyes looking down on me were kind and full of worry.

"Th…thank you." I stammered, taking the hand offered. When he grinned I looked down, a little embarrassed by my present condition.

"You're sure you're ok?" he asked after I was standing. He then put a hand out to silence me, "Wait! Maybe you shouldn't speak yet. I'm really sorry about Gladys here." He turned to glare at the little white toy poodle who was now sleeping on his shoulder like some garish parrot. "She tends to do that from time to time…I dropped her leash and she just took off…I couldn't keep up and…this really is our fault…I'm sorry!" he finished. Then, recovering himself, "My name's Emmett Honeycut by the way." I smiled slightly despite the situation. "I'm Ted, and no," I reassured him. "It's not your fault. I'm fine, really," I replied off his look. " I was kinda lying here anyway when, uh, Gladys found me."

Emmett's eyes grew large. "Why?!" The worry that had never completely left his face returned now in full force. I could see possible scenarios for why I might be lying here forming in his mind. He appeared to settle on the least painful one. "Don't you worry honey, she'll come back."

"Oh, no! Nothing like that …" I hurried to correct him. "Besides, she would have been a he anyway." I felt the red creep up my cheeks and ears as he grinned again. "No, it's coffee that did this to me." Emmett was trying his best to look understanding. "Well, work and coffee." I elaborated helpfully. "And the Utz girl." A flicker of understanding crossed Emmett's face.

"Yeah, she is evil isn't she," he agreed, sitting down on the curb. I nodded, sitting down beside him, as Gladys jumped on to my lap.

"Awww." Emmett nodded approvingly. "She likes you!" And I began my tale of woe.

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