You and I Always, a digimon fanfic

You and I Always

Characters from the Digimon television series

Song originally performed by Mariah Carey

After I returned from America, all those years ago, I walked into the emptiest apartment in the world it seemed like. In America, an apartment of this size is no big deal; but in Odaiba, an apartment this size is much too big for one middle schooler. With my parents gone, I had to clean it and take care of it; it was too much work. And it was much too lonely.

I would sometimes wander through the kitchen, down the hallways, into the rooms and out again into the living area. Then I would come to the "entranceway of solitude," as my wannabe-poetic mind would call it. That entranceway felt so lonely to me for so many years. It was a place of goodbyes, a place of leaving, and the door out to a world that was cold and uncaring.

That was the case, at least, until Jou confessed to me. Then, it became everything that it wasn't before. The entranceway of solitude was now the door of anticipation. It was now a place of new beginnings, hopeful journeys and always, love.

But things have a way of circling back on themselves. And now, again, the ceramic tile, the old wooden door, the dull lighting, the tatami mat and the one step separation all felt very chilly. Even as he was leaving, my heart wanted to scream, "I'm right here! We can do this together! You don't have to go alone."

But I knew that wasn't what he needed. Jou was always doing everything for everyone else: his parents, and his friends, and most of all, me. I guess I didn't realize how selfish I'd been all these years, pursuing my dreams and always doing what I wanted at his expense. Well, maybe the truth was, I did realize it and just took him for granted.

But now, he needed to go. He needed to be a sojourner and a traveler. He needed to find his way. Done with all those long years of schooling, Jou came out of them knowing less about himself than going in. And as he asked himself who he had become, he had also questioned everything else, including his relationship with me.

And so, I'll let him find his answers. He doesn't know it right now, but I know what the answer is to the question about me. And I'm sure he'll find it out, too.

We were as one
For a moment in time
And it seemed everlasting
That you would always be mine
Now you want to be here
So I'll let you fly
'Cause I know in my heart
Our love will never die

As Jou slowly put his shoes on his feet, carefully placing his finger such that the backs of the shoes wouldn't crease as he slipped them on, I thought about this sensitive, fussy, loving man. Today, I take for granted that he's confident and strong, but he wasn't always like that. When we first became friends, he was quite the opposite. And it wasn't until the day of his confession that I ever saw the assertive part of his nature.

It wasn't the perfect setting or the perfect time. And it was way too hot and I wasn't feeling good. And so, the last thing I expected in the middle of a busy park, after watching the Teenage Wolves perform (and getting blown off by Matt again), was a confession of love by the boy I affectionately called my "nerdy defender."

That night, it wasn't my response that was surprising; rather, it was his words back to me that I remember best.

"Oh, Jou," I whispered. "I'm so flattered, but Jou. I can't. I...I...you know, Matt..."

He interrupted, "Matt could never love you..." He paused, before revealing, "...like I love you. No one could love you like I love you. I've loved you ever since we met and I will keep loving you, always. And in the end, you'll realize it. You'll realize that there's no one else for you but me."

Just like that. The determination in his voice was unshakeable. He spoke like he knew something that I didn't. And it irritated the heck out of me.

You'll always be a part of me
I'm part of you indefinitely
Boy don't you know you can't escape me
Ooh darling 'cause you'll always be my baby
And we'll linger on
Time can't erase a feeling this strong
No way you're ever gonna shake me
Oh darling, 'cause you'll always be my baby

In the days and weeks following the confession, I felt the whole gamut of emotions. Sometimes I was mad; why would Jou ruin our perfectly good friendship, as I saw it, by telling me he loved me? At times I was excited; would this really be a possibility? But most of the time, I was just confused.

The more I saw Jou, the more I felt weird around him. He was acting strange, or so I thought. One day, we had a couple of minutes by ourselves at a coffee shop, while Tai and Kari went to pick up our orders. I sat in my seat, awkwardly looking at the ceiling. But when I couldn't take the silence anymore, I blurted out, "How do you know that you and I are meant to be?"

I blushed and shrunk in the oversized seat as the adults around us turned to look at me.

Jou responded, "It's real simple."

I looked back at him, expecting some profound piece of information to spew forth. Maybe he had some sort of dream. May the digital world revealed the future to him (can it do that?). Maybe he had a conversation with God. Maybe he used his intellect to figure out an equation that pointed in that direction. I don't know, there must be some reason!

He continued, "It's because I know you."

I looked at him, with crinkled brow, confused at his answer. But before I could respond, Kari and Tai returned. "Here's your upside down, extra-hot, light on the cream caramel macchiato, your royal highness," Tai stated with a grin.

As I finished my drink, I stay hunched in my comfy seat, feet up, chin resting on my knees, deep in thought. What did Jou mean by "because I know you?" It would take me a year and ten months to figure it out.

I ain't gonna cry
And I won't beg you to stay
If you're determined to leave boy
I will not stand in your way
But inevitably you'll be back again
'Cause you know in your heart babe
Our love will never end

Jou finished putting on his shoes and grabbed his dufflebag. He was a walking contradiction, wearing a nice sports jacket and slacks, but carrying an old brown duffle; it was the old, reliable, comforting Jou mixed with me, who had influenced his taste some over the years. But though Jou looked a bit different on the outside because of me, it was he who changed me, from the inside out.

Almost two years after telling me that he knew we were meant to be because he knew me, I finally discovered what he meant.

Over that time, I basically ignored Jou's confession. Maybe if I did that, I thought, it would just go away, like a leaf blowing in the wind. And things really started feeling normal again; I started to go back to Jou to talk about everything. Well, almost everything. The only thing I felt uncomfortable talking about with him anymore was Matt.

As my thoughts about a relationship with Jou drifted away, I started to pine (yes, pine) away again for Matt. But like he always did, Matt ignored me in his subtle way, as if I was an annoyance to him.

Finally, I got up the courage to confront Matt. We were all backstage at a Wolves (as they were now called) concert, when I got a chance to corner him. I wasn't sure what I was going to say; I thought I would confess my love, but ended up shouting, "Why are you always ignoring me, you jerk!"

I was taken aback at my brashness. He wasn't. Matt immediately stated, "Mimi, it's because I don't like you."

Can't you just see the look of shock I had on my face? I was too surprised at his harsh words to even cry.

He continued, "Look, you're my friend. You're my treasured friend, just like Tai, Izzy and everyone else. But, that's all we'll ever be. That's it. I don't want to be anything more." And with that, he turned and walked back to his bandmates, having settled the matter.

As you can imagine, I went into a tailspin. But it wasn't one that was surrounded with streams of tears. No, no, I became angry. So angry, in fact, that I didn't want to see any of my friends. I didn't pick up the phone, I didn't answer the doorbell, and I certainly didn't try to see anyone.

But at the same time, I was a bit disappointed. Everyone reached out to me – everyone! Even Iori, who'd I ever barely spoken, too. Everyone tried to contact me, except for Jou. I tried not to think about it, but unavoidably, Jou came to the forefront of my mind. Why hadn't he called? Was he bitter about his confession from all that time ago?

As I sat on the couch, watching television and eating popcorn, I couldn't concentrate on the program. I kept thinking about Jou and became angrier and angrier. "Jou, you jerk!" I thought to myself. "I thought we were friends! I thought we were best friends!"

I couldn't take it anymore. I put the popcorn on the table, turned off the television and walked right over to Jou's house, still in my (cute) pajamas. I went right up to his door and knocked on it as hard I could, not even thinking that someone else might answer.

Luckily for me (unluckily for him), Jou answered. I was about to let him have a piece of my mind, when Jou quickly said, "It's about time you showed up!"

What? Again, I was confused. Did we plan to go out? What?

Jou said to me, "Come in. Will you just wait on the couch a minute while I get ready?"

"Sure," I replied and popped down on his parent's leathery sofa.

As I waited, with another confused look on my face, Jou quickly got ready and came out. He grabbed my hand and pulled me away, saying, "Let's go!"

He took me away from his house and to downtown Odaiba (after a pit stop at my home to change clothes), where we did so many of my favorite things. We saw the newest romcom; we had lunch at my favorite bistro; and he treated me to my favorite ice cream, kiwi double strawberry. By the end of the day, I was smiling and laughing like I hadn't in weeks!

As we sat on a park bench, alone, with the sun setting, I was about to ask Jou how he knew I needed this. But the answer came to me. It's because he knew me; he knew the me inside, deep inside. He knew I needed space to vent and he knew exactly what I needed to feel better. He even knew that what I felt about Matt was infatuation and that my heart wouldn't be broken beyond repair; it just needed a pick-me-up.

I turned and softly said, "Jou?"

He looked at me, and for the first time since he confessed, so long ago, he looked...nervous. I slowly lifted my face up, and gently placed my lips on his. As we released and I hugged him tightly, I thought to myself, it only took one year and ten months (since Jou told me we were meant to be because he knew me)...no, two years (since Jou confessed)...no, five years and nine months (since we met) for me to realize that all I ever wanted was someone to know everything about me, and to love me in spite and because of it. And that I would give that person my heart, all of it, in return.

The years flew by. Jou finished college and then asked me to marry him. I, of course, said yes, surprising even myself by accepting and treasuring a small, student's engagement ring that the old me never would have. Jou then went to medical school, and though I could tell that between the overbearing work, his family's expectations and his hesitancy about his future, he was having a difficult time, I never expected everything to come crashing down so fast.

As we cuddled together in front of my television, having our first alone time in a week, Jou received a phone call. He left the room and came back a few minutes later.

I laughed at the comedy duo on the tube and then turned to Jou, smiling. "What is it, darling?" I asked.

Jou was looking down at the ground and didn't answer immediately. I became serious. "What's wrong?"

"It's my mom," Jou haltingly stated. "She was in an accident..." I started to tear up, leaping off the couch and running to him. "It doesn't look like she'll make it through the night."

I held on to Jou as the tears came streaming down his eyes. We rushed off to the hospital after that, and Jou was able to make it just in time. He was able to say goodbye to his mom only minutes before she passed away.

In the next month, Jou became bitter and depressed. He finished school and graduated, but without enthusiasm. He became more and more distant from me. And as the days passed, I wondered if Jou was going to start his career in the medical field. I finally got up the nerve to mention the white elephant in the room. Jou wasn't happy with me bringing it up.

"I knew it," he said, "I knew it! You're just like all the rest. Just like mom and dad and my brothers. You want me to do something I hate, too!"

"No, it's not like that Jou! Really..."

"Yes it is. Yes it is! You're the most selfish one of all! You've done everything you've ever wanted, but have you once told me, simply, you can do whatever you want and I'll still support you? Just once?"

Sting!

I had that same look of shock on my face again. He was right. I'd never said anything like that, though I knew he hated medicine. I was so selfish. And isn't love the exact opposite of that? Love means sacrifice and grace and forgiveness. It's all give and no take. My big mistake, my utter disregard for Jou's feelings, and my own selfishness had hurt him deeply.

I went over to Jou, and hugged him from behind. Through angry tears, Jou went on, "I need some time away. I need to think."

"Okay," I replied.

"I might need a lot of time."

"Okay."

"Months. Maybe a year."

"Anything you need."

"You know that this would mean we'd have to postpone our wedding."

I paused.

"Yes, it's okay. Do what you need."

Another pause.

"I need to think about us, you and me, too, I mean" he replied.

"Okay," I said.

My heart hurt so badly. But I wanted to stay strong for him. My heart wanted me to say, "No, don't go! I'll help you through anything you need! We can go anywhere and do anything!" The heart is emotional; sometimes your brain needs to advise it. My brain had to remind my heart that Jou was hurting really badly; he needed me to be strong, and he needed to, for the first time in his life, get away and make some decisions.

That was two weeks ago. We canceled (postponed) the wedding. Jou turned down the position he was preparing for at Odaida's main hospital. And he bought his airplane tickets to nowhere in particular.

My heart was aching so bad as he prepared to leave. But it was okay, because I knew something he didn't.

I know that you'll be back boy
When your days and your nights get a little bit colder
I know that you'll be back baby
Oh baby believe me it's only a matter of time

As Jou started to turn the doorknob, he turned to me and said, "I guess this is goodbye."

I replied softly, "Yes."

"I...I don't really know when I'll be back." He paused. "Or if I will."

"Oh, don't worry about that, Jou," I replied.

Jou looked confusingly at me.

"You see Jou, I know something you don't. I know what you'll find out there."

"What do you mean?" he asked.

"Jou, your career, your choices, whatever decisions you need to make will change your future. But they don't change who you are. And they'll never change this one thing, which is that you and I are a part of each other, always, forever. No one will ever love you like I do."

Jou hesitantly responded, "But how do you know?"

I looked at my darling, smiled, and placed my hand over his heart.

"It's because I know you."