A Walk to Forget
The quad was busier than normal- or at least what Helena had accepted as normal in her first year of attending university. Surely the insanity hadn't reached the level of insanity thrumming around her now- sororities and fraternities searching out potentials for rush week, clubs and sports promoting themselves.
It was hard to know for sure, it all seemed so long ago now, another life time all together. It was probably exciting, thrilling even for the incoming freshman. For the world wary second year, it was annoying- the countless booths an unnecessary barrier between Helena and theoretical physics.
She was making good progress considering, until her world came to a tilting stop as her body collided with another, legs tangled together and books fell to the ground with heavy thuds.
"Ohf," a voice cried softly.
"Shit" she hissed.
"Ow, sorry" the other woman stuttered.
"Watch where you're going!" Helena snapped, looking from her scrapped palms up to the wall of flesh that hit her, and stopped.
"Sorry, I was reading… sorry." She was fixing the spectacles hanging dangerously close to falling off the end of her nose, wiping her hands on her jeans and gathering up the scattered books and paper trying to figure out what belonged to each of them.
She was babbling some nonsense, but Helena was having trouble following what she was saying, she was dumbstruck for the first time in… well ever. The other woman was smiling crookedly, apologetically, her bright green eyes flitting from the task at hand up to Helena's face and back again, her brunette curls beginning to come lose from the ponytail, her face flushed with obvious embarrassment.
It wasn't until she was being helped to her feet that she finally found her voice.
"Like I said, I'm so sorry, I was reading this book and it was supposed to be done before class and of course I read it already I just wanted to brush up a little bit on it-,"
"Its fine," Helena cleared her throat, forcing her trademark cocky smile as a way to cover her earlier distraction, she accepted the books she was being offered, "I suppose things are a bit crazy today, especially for new freshman."
"How did you know?" she tilted her head curiously.
"You handed me your schedule." Helena smiled, handing the heavily highlighted paper back over, "Myka O. Bering. What's the 'O' stand for?"
Myka blushed further, "That's hardly fair, I don't even know your name."
"Helena," she smiled brightly, holding her hand out, "Helena G. Wells."
Myka smiled, accepted the offer, "What's the 'G' stand for?"
"That's hardly fair," Helena echoed Myka's words, "I've just met you. But if you agree to meet me for coffee tomorrow, I may change my mind then." She smiled slyly.
"Really?" Myka smiled brighter, "I mean, yeah sure."
"Brilliant." Helena smiled, only realizing they were still holding hands when someone jostled her from behind and Myka pulled her forward to keep her from being knocked down once more.
They were definitely in each other's personal space, breathing the same air, and time seemed to slow for them, Helena could see the flecks of gold in her eyes, could feel the hitch of Myka's breath as it brushed over her lips.
"It's a date then?" Helena's voice was huskier than she intended, but there was just something so intoxicating about this woman she didn't even know.
"It's a date."
Weeks passed in what felt like a moment. One moment of happiness- the purity of which Helena could remember ever having experienced.
Their first date lasted four and a half hours.
Helena told her about how she ended up in the states and what she wanted to do, all the inventions she had plans for. Myka spoke of her dream to publish a book she had been working on in secret for years, she wanted to continue to go to school but also wanted to travel the world .
They spoke about so much more, about everything, but all Helena could remember was the way Myka's eyes lit up, the way she spoke using her hands and how excited she got over different topics.
By the time they had their third date, Helena was convinced that Myka Bering was her one. The one person she was destined to spend her life with. Now it was only about waiting until Myka realized this too.
Helena would always try to fox out answers about Myka's hopes, plans for her future. Btu this was the one topic the other girl seemed reluctant to discuss.
It wasn't until they were sitting together on Helena's couch after two months of dating that Myka finally caved, and it started with a confession of Helena's.
"I love you."
She had been laughing at some adorably dorky thing Myka had gone on about, and it had been just too cute. She meant it, with all her heart, she just didn't mean to say it out loud. She hadn't wanted to frighten Myka, and the look of panic on the other woman's face once she registered the words that were spoken.
"Myka," Helena reached out, trying to stop the other girl from pulling away. It didn't work. Myka stood from the couch and walked to the window. Staring out over the lights of the city.
She was quiet for a long time, it was a heavy silence that Helena didn't know how to break, but desperately wanted to.
"Please don't." Myka finally whispered, turning to face Helena once more, her face devoid of all emotion.
"What?" she shook her head.
"Please don't love me," there was a faint note of pleading that Helena could hear, "For my own… peace of mind, please do not love me." Her voice broke and now Helena was on her feet.
"I can't take it back now, Myka, it's too late," she put a hand on either side of Myka's face, "I love you. I loved you from the moment you ran into me on the quad. I love your laugh, the way your eyes light up when you talk about literature, I love the way you scrunch your nose when you are confused… I love you Myka Ophelia Bering."
Tears were streaming down Myka's face now, Helena tried to wioe them away with her thumbs and she leaned into the touch, "I-," she started, screwing her eyes shut, "I… we can't do this."
"Why?" Helena demanded, trying to hold back the spark of pain, of anger that stabbed in her chest, "Why can't we? Why can't I wake up with you every day for the rest of my life? Why can't I always call you my own? Why can't we-,"
"Because I'm dying, Helena." Myka finally said, "You can't spend the rest of your life with me because I'm dying. I'm sick, Helena, and there's nothing they can do."
"Wha-what?" Helena took a step back, feeling the words like a physical blow, "You don't look sick-,"
Myka sighed, stepping forward, now it was her turn to grab Helena's face, keeping her eyes focused on her, "I know… I know. But I'm sick on the inside. And soon, it'll show on the outside too."
"How long have you…?"
"Since I was a kid," she admitted, "I was really sick growing up, that's why I read books all the time. I got a little better for a while, and the doctors figured whatever it was, my body was fighting it on its own. But it came back towards the end of high school- worse than before. The medicine doesn't work, and the pain meds only make me groggy… there's nothing they can do." She seemed resigned.
"No, no, we can… we can go see another doctor we can find out… we can fight." Helena was crying now, shaking her head back and forth as much as she could in Myka's grip.
"Helena, Helena," Myka smiled sadly, "My parents nearly went bankrupt hiring all the doctors and experts… I am so tired of fighting, Helena. I'm so tired of being poked and prodded and vomiting my guts out because of adverse reactions to medication… this is why I didn't tell you. I didn't want you to look at me like some fragile flower. I didn't want you running yourself into the ground in search of a cure for a disease that doesn't exist. College was supposed to be my final wish, my last ditch effort to be normal for as long as possible. And then I met you.
"You were… so much," Myka smiled genuinely now, "You are spontaneous and beautiful and amazing. You were anything but normal. And I was angry. For the first time in a long time I was angry that I had finally found you now that I have an expiration date. It isn't fair. But I knew I couldn't do anything, and I just wanted to spend as much time as I had left with you. Because I… I love you Helena George Wells. And I don't want to travel or write a book or learn unnecessary things any more… I just want to be with you until I can't anymore."
Helena was kissing Myka then, her mouth hot and insistent and tasting of tears.
"How long?" she breathed, touching their foreheads together, "How long do I get to keep you?"
"A few months?" she felt Myka shrug, "A few years. It's hard for the doctors to get down a timeline when they don't know what it is."
"Okay." Helena nodded, "Okay."
She was hoping for years with Myka, but she would have to make the most of what ever time they had left, "What do you want to do? Travel? Let's go to Italy, Germany, Australia, where ever you want. Lets go."
"Hel," Myka smiled, kissing her lightly, "you have school, a life I can't ask you to pick up everything and just leave."
"I don't care. I can always go to school, I can always make friends, I can always make new dreams, because tight now, Myka, you are my dream. And I want to spend every moment I can with you."
They were kissing again, Myka wasn't sure who initiated, and she didn't care. When they were breathless once more, she found herself chuckling through tears, and the sound was echoed by Helena who was wiping her tears away.
"So, where to first?"
Two months. That's how long they had until things got worse.
They were traveling through London, Helena laughing as she watched the excitement unfold on Myka's face as they visited her homeland.
She was thumbing the velvet box in her pocket, trying to work up the nerve, trying to find a nonobvious segue into asking what she wanted. The question that had been burning a hole through Helena since their second date.
She decided that there was no right time, time was a limited commodity for them anyway, "Myka, there's something I've been meaning to ask you," she began as they walked through the trees, "Something that I have thought about for such a long time, and I really hope... Myka?"
She realized she was walking alone, and she turned to find Myka ten feet behind her, standing in the sunlight, staring at her hand in confusion, "Myka? Is everything alright?" she called back.
Myka looked up, and Helena couldn't make sense of what she was seeing, there seemed to be streaks of read stemming from her eyes, nose and ears. As soon as she realized it was blood, she was running back, reaching Myka just in time to catch her as she collapsed.
"Myka!" she sobbed, clutching her to her chest.
"Helena?" there was blood in her mouth too, it dribbled from the corner of her lips. Her eyes were struggling to focus on Helena, "My head… I can't… I'm so…"
"Shh, it'll be okay," Helena sobbed, trying to dial for an ambulance on her mobile with shaking fingers, "It's going to be okay… stay with me…"
"Helena," Myka seemed to calm suddenly, and that only worried her girlfriend more, "Helena listen to me…" she whispered.
"Hold on," she held the phone to her ear, "Yes, hello, please I need an ambulance… my… she…" she was hiccupping and struggling to tell the operator where she was.
"Helena, it's going to be okay," red tinged tears rolled into Myka's hair, "Listen to me, it's going to be okay. I love you, it's okay."
"I love you, too," Helena sniffed, pulling her closer, "Please don't go, please…"
"I'm right here…" Myka smiled, "I'm right here."
She stayed awake on the ride to the hospital, through admitting, through the doctors explanation of total organ failure that they couldn't control. They had her hooked up to all kinds of machines, measuring out her last heartbeats, filling her with new blood, and she refused the pain medication the doctors tried to force on her.
She wanted to remember, she said, she wanted to take this with her.
"I love you, Helena," she smiled when they left them alone at last, "I love yo so much. I'm so happy that I got to have you for the time I did. But please, please promise me you'll move on when I'm gone. Be happy and go back to school. Make those inventions… live, you'll have to do it for both of us now…"
"Myka, please," Helena was suddenly struck with a need, she had to go through with it, she needed to, "I know… I know we don't have much time but…" she pulled out the black box form her pocket, opening it to reveal the white gold ring, the diamond, modest but beautiful, "Please, Myka, please will you marry me, for… for as long as we have left… please."
Myka was smiling, crying once more as she nodded yes.
They brought a chaplain up to the room, the nurses played witness after they sent an orderly to the courthouse for the documents. It was a strange mixture of happy and sad, of beautiful and awkward as they declared their love to a room full of strangers, but neither cared. They only had eyes for each other.
"I do." Myka smiled.
"I do." Helena's breath hitched.
There seemed to be endless tears flowing around them, two nurses had to excuse themselves when it became too much.
"I love you Myka Wells-Bering." Helena whispered.
"Bering-Wells," Myka argued with a smiled.
"Bering-Wells," Helena agreed.
Myka died that night. Her heart gave out when the blood transfusions were no longer enough.
Helena sat on the chair outside her wife's room for hours, unmoving, unseeing, unfeeling.
She returned to the states, first to bury Myka in her home town, then to gather her research.
She tried to return to school, but found her heart just wasn't in it. It felt like a betrayal to her wife to give up, so instead she threw herself into her work, her inventions. One invention in particular kept her working long into the night, forgoing sleeping, eating, showering. She was hit with a craze to finish this project.
On the anniversary of her marriage, on the anniversary of Myka's death, Helena figured out how to do it. How to get her time machine to work. She was putting the last pieces together, and for the first time, she let her self hope. She let herself think that she could actually do this, she could actually go back in time and find something anything to save Myka's life.
She could do it.
She would do it.
"Ms. Wells." A woman appeared in her work shop as the overhead lights snapped on, dark skin, dark hair up in a tight, complicated hairdo, "My name is Irene Fredric."
"What are you…" Helena struggled to focus on what was happening around her, she hadn't slept in days, her eyes had adjusted to the desk lamp, she had to blink several times to notice that she was quite literally surrounded by men in black suits.
"I'm here to collect your machine." Irene Fredric's face was stoic as she glanced around the room, "To store it where it will be safe."
"What? No, no," Helena shook her head, "No, no, no, you don't understand, I'm nearly finished, it might work…"
"It will work." Irene corrected, causing Helena to smile brokenly.
"I- I can save her… I can save her!"
"We can't let you use that machine, Helena, you know that. It could have unforeseen consequences. Someone else could get their hands on it and change everything. You have no idea what could happen."
"I can save my wife!" Helena argued, shooting to her feet and fighting off the wave of dizziness, "I can keep her from dying, I can cure her!"
"I'm sorry, Ms. Wells, I really am," Irene nodded for the men to begin collecting everything in the workshop, "But we simply can't let you."
"No!" Helena jerked forward, wanting to, needing to stop them.
A blue light flashed through the air, pain wracked through her body as it spasamed through the electricity coursing through her veins, and then she was on the ground. Unable to do anything but watch as they stripped the walls and carried out her machine. Her way to save Myka.
"No," she sobbed softly, tears pouring down her face.
"I am sorry, Helena," Irene spoke softly, turning to walk out the door, "More than you can know."