AN: ok so this is my first Harry Potter story. I have a feeling some things may confuse people so here's my explanation: Remus blames Harry for killing his last pack member because learning and being able to successfully perform a patronus (something even adult wizard's have a problem doing) made Harry an adult in Moony's eyes so therefore for certain things, such as killing a pack mate he can be thrown out of the pack.

The story is set after OotP and is obviously AU. Harry is at Grimmauld place because Madam Promfrey wanted him monitored in case of any after effects of the possession.

If there are any questions you want to ask please feel free to email me or leave it in a review.

Disclaimer: I don't own Harry Potter

Enjoy the story!

Dear Remus/Moony

I'm sorry I got the last of your pack killed, I'm sorry. I know you won't forgive me so I'm writing this letter so maybe I can explain my thinking, I don't think I will survive this war so this will be the only way for you to hear my side of the story and perhaps forgive me. Read on if you want to.

I know that you'll probably know some of the stuff I'm going to say but bear with me, everyone has a different perspective.

The summer after fourth year was hard on me, I'd seen Cedric murdered and I was blaming myself, Voldemort and I were even more closely linked/ entwined and I had no idea what was happening in the wizarding world. All the letters I was receiving told me nothing and only Sirius sounded like he cared. We both knew the other was depressed, at the time I didn't know why Sirius was as depressed as he was.

When I went to Grimmauld Place Sirius and I got even closer than before; I mean there's only so much you can say in a letter, especially to a "convicted" and escaped felon.

During fifth year things went from bad to worse. The Order know an extremely small part about what happened but you weren't there and really, only the students know the whole story, the things we had to do to protect the innocents. Third years and up protected the younger years, we refused to let them take detentions with Umbridge, we told them she was evil and did bad things during detentions and to avoid getting one at all costs, even by getting a detention with Snape- we took their place if they did get one. Everyone from third year and up did their bit. The Slytherins and a few of Ravenclaws joined the Inquisitational squad getting information straight from the source about detentions, punishments and who was receiving them. Any good potions brewer made the necessary healing potions and-along with the rest of us- researched any healing spells we could find. By the middle of the school year we could all cast most if not all of the spells we'd found, we could all brew all of the healing potions. Hufflepuffs were the main comforters and information gatherers from the other professors, after all who notices a group of Hufflepuffs. We Gryffindors were the front line, we were the ones that took most of the detentions and/or punishments and we were the ones that distracted her and drew her attention if she were in a particularly foul mood. Hermione, Ron and I also created the DA (Defence Alliance) when it became clear that all it was going to teach was theory, we also set up inter-house study groups/sessions, even when she issued Educational Decree some number or other so that everyone at least had a chance at passing the defence practical exam.

Of course there were overlaps with the jobs; Hermione was with the Ravenclaws most of the time and I was often with the Hufflepuffs but mostly we stayed with our houses with Ron and a few others as our strategists telling us what to do and when. For the first time in centuries the school was united and it was all because of Umbridge, that's the only good thing that came from her being in the school. Now I'm sure you're wondering what was so bad about the detentions, we had to write lined in our own blood, yes she used an effing blood quill. None of the teachers believed us when we tried to tell them how bad they were, they never let us get passed she's making us write lines.

I had more detentions with her than the rest of the school because I never stopped saying Voldemort was back, it convinced everyone because after all why would I go through that if I was lying. If you look on the back of my right hand you will see a scar reading 'I must not tell lies', that should give you an idea of how many times I had detention with it.

Anyway, because of it the school was united but you know the best bit none, I repeat none, of the teachers knew, Snape may of had suspicions but no none of them knew. That means we coped with it all on our own all year with none of them noticing anything amiss, even from the Gryffindors.

But enough of it, between the students it is now classed as mentally incompetent, i.e. insane

Onto Snape, well what can I say; he's a bitter, sarcastic man capable of carrying a grudge for a very long time and then passing it on to the recipient's offspring. During the Sorting Feast in first year I got the sense he didn't like me; 10 minutes into my first potion lesson I realised my mistake, he doesn't dislike me he hates/loathes me. He's made my potion lessons (and any other time we met) hell, in return I intensely dislike him and happily react to his antagonising. I admit that may have not been the most mature thing to do but I was 11 when it started and I'd already had enough of it from the Dursleys.

This year I had to learn Occulmency from him. I'd had no prior teaching on it, not even theory, and all he told me was "Clear Your Mind!" before throwing the spell at me Any books that may have been in the library had been removed, I couldn't owl order any because it was having the mail checked and I'm pretty sure I shouldn't have been learning it, so I had to try and figure out what the hell was meant to be doing on my own. After every lesson I ended up with a headache/migraine and I couldn't go to Madame Promfrey because I was sure Dumbledore didn't want anyone else knowing I was learning it. I suspect, seeing I always got more intense visions after the "lessons", that it was easier for Voldemort to access my thoughts. Either way as the year went on I got more and more visions of revelries, induction and meetings. Did you know I felt/feel every spell cast as if it was cast on me, yes even Crucio? As I shared it with my friends do you now get why we hated it when you treated us as little, naive children who knew nothing of the cruelties of war?

Us Order kids, we knew there was some kind of weapon and that it wasn't something traditionally thought of as a weapon but that still left a million possibilities. I'm sure you've heard and/or witnessed my curiosity, well I'd been receiving dreams from Tom/Voldemort all summer and all through the school year. I knew it was the door to the Department of Mysteries from my trial (ask Arthur). Imagine my curiosity combined with Voldies, all year I was fighting the urge to hop onto some kind of transportation and ride to the door and open it and see what was behind it.

This is the last thing I promise you Remus/Moony, Sirius gave me a mirror when I left Grimmauld place saying I was to use them to talk to him. I didn't use the because I knew I'd end up venting and I feared he would leave Grimmauld place and get captured and given the Kiss, I knew it wouldn't take much to get him outside, he was sick of being cooped up. Eventually I just forgot about them and so, to me, I had no way of contacting him when I had the vision of him being tortured by one of the Death Eaters. There was only Snape at the school and I guess you can understand my reservations about him.

I'm sorry Remus/Moony, I'm sorry I got you last pack mate killed, I'm sorry.

Yours Sincerely

Harry