I never really knew why I was born, why I was living; never really fully understood….until now.
2 MONTHS EARLIER
"NOOOOOOOOO! GET OFF ME!" I kept screaming -over and over- thrashing my head back and forth away form his lips. He just kept gripping tighter until I could feel his nails digging into my skin, leaving nothing but blood and bruises.
Though throughout all of this I couldn't bring myself to cry, not one single tear, all I could do was yell and those cries for help were useless anyway; we were in his van, hiding deep in the shrubbery on the outskirts of town; no one would hear me, (as he had repeated a thousand times) no one would come to rescue me, and most likely… no one would care…
I hadn't a dime to my name and I hadn't any family to claim me; I was all alone in this world and yet, god seems to hate me enough to make me suffer enough to the point were I even wonder why I was still alive, if my life had had any meaning to it. That's why I couldn't bring myself to cry, I accepted it; all of it.
If I had to think of one meaning to my existence (even if there was one) it would be one thing and one thing only: pain. My whole being revolved around this one word, it ruled all that I did all that I knew. So yeah, call me neurotic, call me insane, but it's all that I knew and all I could really control about myself, all I could really accept about myself…
"Shut up or so help me I'll cut you so deep you wont know where you begin and where you finish, got that bitch?." He breathed in a menacing growl. I immediately froze at his words because being caused pain by another was a different thing entirely; I couldn't control the amount of damage they could do.
So I laid there –lifeless- waiting for him to just get this done with, and he returned to his process of unclothing me as I tried to succumb to the darkness engulfing my mind away from all its fears (for only this moment.)
Maybe if I was lucky, he would rape me then kill me, but you know the whole god issue is still intact so I'm betting on living this time. I heard the tear of my underwear and then I finally sunk into my cloudy hazed thoughts, relieving myself of pain for just a brief instant before I would have to face reality and watch as It play me like a puppet on strings for its own twisted amusement once more….
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I woke up in a garbage can near a motel that read "EXPRESSIONS" in bold letter that was just taunting me with its red flickering lights, almost as if it was laughing at me. I tried to stand, but my legs felt like they had been scrubbed raw and I looked down to see that they had long, pink scratches all down them; the purple and black bruises pictured across my body were now blistering in pain as I noticed them. I also noticed my torn pants sitting next to me; I put them on, gently tugging them up my hammered legs.
Alright one more try, I sadly motivated my self and tried to pick up my body out of the trashed filled bag mess. I groaned as I lifted myself by the edge of the can, really feeling the ache now as if I had been thrown out of a moving car going 60mph -into a the burning asphalt of the streets.
One last push and I flipped out of the can unto my back and let out an agonizing screech of pain as I hit my back on the hard, rocky floor. Ignoring the pain, I scrabbled myself up off the floor and on to my sore feet, wobbling along the way. I walked over to the payphone on the side of the motel and searched my barely-there-pockets for at least a quarter or something so I could call a cab.
Of course no such luck, again.
All hell, how the hell am I supposed to get home now, walk? Don't bet your ass on it. I thought to myself as I stood there shivering. My clothes had been thrashed, all had was rags on and my jacket; it felt like 20 degrees out here. I turned around, holding myself with my arms securely around my quivering frame. There, in the far corner, was a diner that read "Mimi's Place" and I could see the open sign lit in the front window.
Well diner equals people, people equal business, and business equals a working phone.
I dragged my battered body across the street and headed over to the small building. I opened the door numbly and heard the ding of the bell, signaling that someone has entered. As soon as my form entered the place I heard a gasp and a tray fall to the ground with a clash.
Opps, I should have maybe cleaned up before I got here, I probably looked like well… you know. I cringed at the though and tried to block it off, act as if it never happened…yes that's best here in a situation like this when it involves a person like me.
"Oh god, sweetie! What happened? Are you hurt?" the waitress with a Texan accent and a hair the size of Texas asked, very cliché. I nodded dully and asked if I could use the phone in a cold, emotionless voice that would make you think a person was possessed. She sat me down at the counter and gave me a panic written face.
"Hunny, you look like you could use a drink," yeah I bet, I could use an everclear right about now, getting seriously fucked up keeps sounding better and better by the second, though I don't think that's what she meant.
"Yeah, sure, sure." I said absent mindedly as she handed me a glass of water. I took a sip and then realized how parched I truly was. I drank the whole glass and them some, making me feel sluggish and overly full.
"There now, tell me what happened." Isn't that the obvious question everyone asks, as if she really cared or could do anything about it, no one ever could or has in my life so why should I expect true concern from anyone? Its better I close off and finish what's left of my execrable life.
I ignored her question and asked her again if I could use the phone, she gave me an abashed look and then hesitantly grabbed the diners phone from behind the counter, giving it to me cautiously, like I was about to attack; I probably looked like I was…
I mumbled my thank you and dialed the cab service so I could get out of this place and at least willow in my misery alone instead of a freak show in front of others, like I felt here.
"Hello, Webster's cabs. When you need us, we make it. How may I serve you today?" asked a very dull, boring sounding voice, but I could really care less, I was done with the damned happy people of this world. Mocking me with there E-Z Street lives as I try to just struggle one day in my Wanna-Be-Non-Existent life…I'm pitiful.
"Yes, please, I would like a cab sent to Mimi's Diner at intersection 12, and please hurry I have things to do today." Truly I did, but that didn't necessarily mean they were productive things to be doing, unless you count lying in bed hating my ever fiber a useful activity, then no they weren't.
"Okay Miss we'll send someone right over for you sunshine." The girl said as sarcastic as she could probably manage, I don't want to take this right now so I kept my mouth shut, I just want to get home.
"Thank you." I said through my teeth and hung up the phone with a bang and sat back down…
OH!
I just fucking remembered I have not money, GOD DAMMIT! What the hell now? I doubt I had any cash at home either, you know being broke can do that to you.
"Um, I know I don't know you and all, but, I was kind of wondering if you would help me with getting some money, I had my money…stolen last night and well I have no way of getting home without any, I need like 40 dollars." I was embarrassed as always, my bad luck predicaments always left me feeling this way.
"Sure hun. Jerry?! Can you spot me 40 bucks?" jerry…JERRY! The flash backs of last night, bits and pieces flashed through my head at the familiar name.
Hey my names Jerry, would you like a drink?
3 tonic later I said goodbye and left to call a cab; being car less and all.
Being attacked by the door before I could even scream, by a strong, hard hand.
Kicking, scratching, biting, and punching at him as he pulled me the way of his van.
My clothes heard being torn into rags and the brutal way he restrained my legs and arms.
Skin slapping together on the metal floor of his van.
The way he called me whore instead of my name because he –of course- didn't know who the hell I was, as he moaned and groaned in pleasure.
The pain of his fist connecting to my exposed skin telling me to shut up and stop moving…
I didn't even look back as I ran out the door, not even knowing where I was headed, just…going, away, far away. It was ridiculous thinking this man at the diner was the man that had beaten me last night, but still I couldn't take it, there had to be a limit to my suffering, couldn't there.
God couldn't possibly hate me that much, if I had done anything in my past life to anger him, surely it couldn't be something so vile that I live this way now, in fear, in sarcasm, in pain.
Stop it Bella, just stop! Don't even start feeling sorry for yourself right now. The voice in my head was driving me crazy; maybe I was already crazy... Slowly going to get to the point where all I could do was sit and watch as my inner psycho took over.
I stopped, out of breath, and began to walk forward on the outstretched road ahead of me. Now that my stupidity had taken over, I have to walk, so lets hope some car decide to pass by, or I will be eaten by the buzzards, my bones found later in the years by a paleontologist looking for dinosaur bones.
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4 cars and 2 semis passed by me without even a single glance. I was becoming thirsty again and well this cold was getting to me, it was cold enough to see your breath and my clothes at the moment were not the right for this kind of weather, but they were before.
I hate him, I haTE HIM, I HATE HIM!!!
"YOU BASTARD, JUST LET ME DIE ALREADY!" I yelled at the horrid "man" who has his lives work set out to destroy mine. Well I guess now I was completely crazy, yelling at god when no one is around make you snap the very thin string from being crazy and from being a little irrational.
I just kept walking, maybe 7 miles now? What time was it, almost 8? The lights in the sky were dulling and the icy chill was starting to numb my sore limb, easing the pain away, but not leaving any relief in its place; just hollowness.
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I walked for a few more hours until, finally, I saw headlights in the light fog shrouding around the area, leaving It looking eerie and dark, like my life; for once I felt relatively alike to something, even if it was the scary, unknown street.
I stuck my thumb out and hollered for them to stop…and the most unbelievable thing happened, they stopped…
They pulled to the side and parked, opening the door for me to get in. Without a second thought of what this persons intentions were (because seriously what had I to fear, nothing mattered to me anymore) I hopped in the car and slammed the door.
"Hey, hey now. Don't kill my car." Chuckled the man from left of me.
"Sorry..." I mumbled and buckled my seat belt.
"So what can I do for you Miss?" he asked in a slight Texan accent (which most people had around this part of town, I had some to notice for at the diner) trying to create a comfortable environment…and strangely…to my disbelief, I felt comfortable with this stranger… don't so comfortable that I would start spilling my whole life in one gush of remorse, but to the point where I knew he wasn't here to hurt me like most were.
"Just take me the closest you get to Stockton. I don't want to burden you." I said as I gazed out the window, watching the scenery fly by.
"Well luck has it, I'm going just passed that up to Cyprus." He chuckled softly, and I relaxed into my seat.
"Thank you…I thought I was going to freeze." I really tried to be happy, really I did, but most the time I couldn't help the sadness that escaped through my lips when I spoke. My word made him turn his head as we passed a light pole, his eyes landed on my battered body and he froze, eyes widening; I must be a wreck.
"It's nothing…really…I just, um, all hell. What does it matter think what you will. I'm sure the ideas are flowing through your head. Pick the worse, I bet its right." I snapped at the poor unsuspecting man, who was only trying to start a light conversation with me, but I was mad and I had no one to take that anger out on! So I'm sorry for being shrew, but to tell you the truth I had ever god damned right you and "he knows it!"
Don't you old man? I challenged the non visible being, yep I'd really snapped.
"I," he swallowed the lump in his throat and spoke once more, "I am sorry, I shouldn't have done that. Your business is your business." He's apologizing to me? I snapped at him. This man must be to kind for his own good.
"No no, I'm sorry. I've just had a….bad day." My already weak voice pitched at the word bad. Adding false statement to my words.
"Mind telling me?" He asked with worry in his voice and trying to be subtle about it.
"No." I let out a small sob that had come out of no where, but stilled then fixed my pained expression into the smooth, lifeless gaze I had on before. I wanted no sympathy, it did nothing.
"Alright then." He stated kindly and left it at that. I thanked him silently wit my eyes looking into his blue, they were still masked with concern and worry and a little anger. I hoped this ride didn't get to nice, I didn't want friend, because then they would have to share my burdens and I didn't want that put on anyone. His gazed fell back out the window and I sat there, silently.
There you have it:] I hope you like it. I wanted to try something new other than just sappy love, I wanted emotion and drama. Tell me your opinions and let me know if it's any good to you:] Review please it makes my day. Please don't expect updates fast because right now I have 3 stories ( and well school, end of term; need say.) So its just busy but I got it so please don't get angry or go all blah on me:] but by all means review it til no end haha,
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